March 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

ULTIMATUM: County councillors, leaving the US, heard they could exit the country or give up their expenses A FRESH controversy has exploded over undocumented Irish people in the US, after a White House spokesman said there would be no special deal for county councillors visiting for St Patrick’s Day junkets. “Obviously we understand these people… Read more »

March 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

Priority List Legislation to give diaspora a vote in presidential elections Implementation of transgender toilets in urban centres All-Ireland poll on existence of the Labour Party Plebiscite on whether “referendums” or “referenda” is the correct plural Anything else that might possibly make the government more popular Deferred indefinitely Repeal of the Eighth Amendment Any similar… Read more »

March 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

An occasional service to Phoenix readers explaining the meaning of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy. This week – ‘TUAM’ The name TUAM is a cognate with the Latin term Tumulus (burial mound). The town’s ancient name was Tuaim Dá Ghualann, ie the burial mound of two shoulders (the Church and the State? – Ed)… Read more »

March 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Brendan O’Codder FAILURE by Fine Gael to elect Simon Coveney as its next leader will almost certainly bring cataclysmic repercussions for the party, for Ireland Inc and, indeed, for the planet. As this publication has repeatedly asserted (see also pages 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 18, 31 and sports supplement page 3-6 plus Cheltenham… Read more »

March 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

Mission Statement We value our employees almost as much as we value our tax-free profits Corporate Responsibility As a leading multinational tech employer, Facebook invests heavily in competitive flexible practices with trending algorithms, attractive salary incentivisation and the latest jargon. Work/Life Balance Facebook believes the modern workforce optimises for happiness in an open culture. Offering… Read more »

March 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

March 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

THE Late Late Show DNA tests have unearthed fascinating results. The long-running programme invited well-known Irish faces to submit DNA samples to determine their genetic ancestry as part of the St Patrick’s Day show. Broadcaster Eamon Dunphy was told his genetic make-up included strong evidence of a Vandal past and overwhelming Gaul. Kerry TD Michael Healy-Rae… Read more »

March 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

Brendan O’Connor’s Cutting Edge: In the new series of his hit chat show, Brendan interviews Niamh Horan, Ivan Yates and George Hook and many other Indo and Newstalk hacks about their lives, careers and shared love of Denis O’Brien. Cutting edge stuff. World Cup Qualifier: Ireland vs Wales: Which world class player will Eamon Dunphy… Read more »

March 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

SYMBOLIC MOVE: Although they are already largely protected under the law, supporters say the move to recognise TDs will ensure dignity for the often-misrepresented political community. By Our Political Staff, Martin Wail REPRESENTATIVES of the Travelling community have taken the historic step of recognising Ireland’s politicians. In a statement issued in Leinster House last night,… Read more »

March 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

Partially to blame for overcrowding in pubs on Saturday nights He’s not Gay In fact, he’s miserable Bus driver refuses to switch him off Caused my grandad to fall asleep at the wheel Has been talking shite for about 200 years! Don’t forget the wage packet

March 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

LAMBASTED: A Blueshirt knife-sharpener seen here with a practice kill HEALTH minister Simon Harris has urged the public to protect themselves against tetanus by availing of a free vaccination. The Wicklow TD made the appeal as dozens of Fine Gael politicians contracted lockjaw as a result of sharpening knifes for a piece of old mutton… Read more »

March 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

Toady-in-the-Hole Baloney with Crispy Fried Poodles Brown-nose Bread and Butter-up Tripe and Corny Dogs (backbone removed) on a bed of Lettuce-In * * * Suckling-Up-To-Trump Pig Chicken-Out and Duck-Issues Enda-for-the-Chop Soon Suey * * * Syrup and Waffle To drink: Chateau Sycofantion and a Selection of Arseliqueurs

March 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

UNDER PRESSURE: Adams, pictured here after Sinn Féin’s historic win, was clearly a man under stress PRESSURE is growing on Gerry Adams to resign following his party’s humiliating victory in the Northern Assembly election. Sinn Féin recorded a big increase in its share of the vote throughout the North and is now neck-and-neck with the… Read more »

March 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

RTÉ has reacted to permission to televise the Charleton Tribunal with a major restructuring of its schedule aimed at reflecting the historic relevance of the occasion. The new programmes guide will include the following: Operation Transformation: Watch as a new line-up of senior gardaí sweat it out while trying to stay exactly as they are… Read more »

March 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

Drag the lot of them in Drag the other crowd in too Have a right go at someone and smile Peer over spectacles while staring very intently at someone Scribble stuff down Open a window, for God’s sake! Lunch I’ll have the grouse with a Chardonnay Repeat as above Sign the Invoice (NB) Taxi to… Read more »

March 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

Exhibit No13: La Bour Parti Widely considered the most gruesome of all the exhibits, this body was actually buried only last February after being declared a dead loss by everyone. Alarmingly, however, it began digging its way out of the hole it had created for itself and is once again making an exhibition of itself…. Read more »

March 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

AGAINST THE TIDE: Minister Ross, pictured here on very important ministerial business last week, declined to get involved in the latest industrial row threatening to cripple the nation THE Minister for Transport took time out from his busy schedule yesterday to give his unqualified public support for the man at the centre of the ongoing… Read more »

March 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

Renewable Heat Incentive Party – 25 seats Biomass Boilers Party – 20 seats Keep The Grants Going Party – 15 seats Fire In Another Load of Wood Party – 15 seats Burn, Baby, Burn Party – 15 seats

March 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

March 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

Do you know your arse from your elbow? Could you organise a piss-up in a brewery? Are you capable of doing just the one simple thing you are asked to do?! If the answer to these three questions is No, then we may have a job for you. Price Waterhouse Cooper is always looking for… Read more »

March 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

March 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

A DRESSING room full of prize-winning pet foxes lost by that nice old Italian bloke Mr Ravioli who used to work at the pizza restaurant on Leicester Road. He is very disappointed (not to say a little surprised) to have been parted from them and it’s cost him his job. Anybody with info should contact… Read more »

March 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

DONALD TRUMP has hit out at Democrats, accusing them of a witch-hunt or, in Russian, an “охоtа на ведьм”, against his nominees. The US President has come under fire again after attorney general Jeff Sessions was accused of misleading congress regarding his ties to Russia. “Not true, not true,” said Trump. “ложный. It’s a witch-hunt… Read more »

March 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

GAT TO BE JOKING: Experts say to be wary of the pages of guff that will be written about Gatland’s dropping of Brian O’Driscoll in 2013 WITH JUST two games remaining in the [insert bank sponsor here] 6 Nations, the public has been warned about Lions Bullshit. Lions Bullshit is expected to hit peak levels… Read more »

March 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

Bareknuckle fighting to be limited to six swings each per half in Gaelic football. Interpreter for post-match Kerry interviews. County players to be awarded “gift” (Note: Not a “payment”) of one scratch card each at end of Championship season. New blue flag for umpires to indicate “haven’t a feckin’ clue which way it went, I… Read more »

March 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

Waterworld, TV3, 10PM: The scions of two ancient political dynasties do battle in a dystopian future. Expect grandstanding, narcissism of small differences and general dreariness. Predictable. Blue Bloods, RTÉ One, 11:30PM: Drama series. This action-packed series captures the thrills and spills of garda life. Watch our cast of characters as they slander, smear and leak… Read more »

March 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

An occasional service to Phoenix readers explaining the meaning of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy. This week ‘JEFF SESSIONS’ Sessions: (noun) 1. Series of meetings for the purpose of transacting business; 2. Periods of time devoted to a specific activity. (The session with the Russian ambassador went on for hours) Jeff (verb) 1…. Read more »

March 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

TOP ADVISERS: Trump pictured here brushing up on his verb conjugation with some of his crack senior aides DONALD Trump has been widely praised after spelling the word McCarthyism correctly in a Tweet. The US president accused former president Barack Obama of tapping his phone lines during the 2016 campaign. “How low has President Obama… Read more »

March 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

1. Collected works of Tolstoy and Dostoyevsky 2. CSKA Moscow season ticket 3. Memorabilia from Russian trips 4. Vlad Putin fan club membership 5. Shrine to Yeltsin 6. Russian ambassador

March 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

50% increase in clichés about re-envisioning Ireland for the 21st century etc Double the amount of empty promises going forward Government to commit to building a more effective PR strategy Taoiseach’s office to house Simon/Leo by end of the year

March 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

THE LATEST MUST-HAVE ARMY TOY! Replicate hostile scenarios! Enjoy the thrills and spills of simulated armed combat! Engage in round-the-clock friendly fire! And all from the comfort and safety of your cosy army bunk! With this latest state-of-the-art model, you can even take part in exciting field exercises – including action-packed overseas travel and filling… Read more »

February 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Dion Fanningabout EMBATTLED Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has “no ambition” to succeed Endless Kenny as leader of Fine Gael when he leaves the Emirates misfits. The Frenchman has been hotly tipped recently to take over the Blueshirts, with leading party figures reportedly keen to “have someone whose English we can understand and who takes… Read more »

February 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

Compiled by Dick Shunery An occasional service to Phoenix readers explaining the meaning of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy. This week: ‘TUSLA’ The word borrows from the Irish words TÚS (start or beginning) and LÁ (day). So TUSLA can be taken to mean “ beginning of the day”, as in “beginning of the… Read more »

February 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

Lyrics by Des Gusting (Whistleblow Music) To be sung à la Gene Pitney in a false set of files. (Surely a “falsetto voice”? – Ed) Dearest Voter, I’m making this call to say that I won’t be in anymore. Cos something happened. To me. While I was driving home. And I can’t stay in office… Read more »

February 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Fintan Tool WE USED to live in the postwar world. And now we live in the post-postwar alien environment where anything can happen. It’s bad enough that all political careers end in failure, but the self-serving behaviour of Fine Gael ministers has been astonishing. Enda Kenny’s long goodbye has brought out the worst in… Read more »

February 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

FOR YEARS, the Irish Times has contained nothing at all of  interest to the younger generation. But all that is about to change. From today, everything in the paper will be directly geared to the millennials (also known as Generation Y, Generation Me, Echo Boomers and Peter Pan Generation). “Ireland is currently being transformed beyond… Read more »