December 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

This week animal behaviourist Richard Boyd-Barrett tells you how to stop your dog from making a mutt of himself Man’s best friend likes nothing more than to be patted on the head and told what a good boy he is. Alas, this yearning for favour can cause embarrassment to his handlers – and anyone else… Read more »

December 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

Over recent weeks (and years), we may have conveyed the impression that billionaire and Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump was in some way an unhinged xenophobic pervert and bully. Headlines, such as “Deranged Racist Clown”, “Misogynist Megalomaniac Moron” and “Crooked President-erect” may also have suggested that we had misgivings about Mr Trump’s suitability for the… Read more »

December 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

I CANNOT understand why people think we are not being consistently consistent in our forward approach to retreating from bringing forward the issue of water charges, which are now almost behind us, going forward. I have repeatedly sat down and explained where I stand on this matter. So I have little left to say on… Read more »

December 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

LABOUR REBUILD: Howlin enthralled all three party members at a recent meeting in Cork THE Labour Party returned to the headlines with a resounding squeak yesterday as leader Brendan Howlin warned of “Trumpesque” forces at work in government circles. The Wexford TD accused Transport Minister Shane Ross of “acting the Trump” in blaming others to… Read more »

December 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

GENTLEMAN’S GAME: The video features cameos by some very famous Irish rugby fans DETAILS OF a second Rugby World Cup 2023 video have emerged. The IRFU used actor Liam Neeson to narrate an epic montage of heroic proportions that left no one in any doubt that Ireland is the greatest country, bar none, in the… Read more »

December 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

• The Late Late Toy Show: Watch Ryan Tubridy barely conceal his disgust for spoiled, precocious little brats in this annual family favourite. • Paul Williams: State of Fear: One journalist’s crusade to rid Ireland of scum and Newstalk of its remaining listeners.

December 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

THE MANNEQUIN challenge has been called off after the Irish Government was declared the winner. “There’s no point in continuing,” said a spokesman for the Guinness Book of Records. “Nobody could beat it as far as we’re concerned – 59 TDs standing completely still since February. “You can’t even tell if they are alive or… Read more »

December 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

Weeden Quay Stonedbatter Hashbrook Ballymunijuana Rathgear Malahidem GPOverdose Arran Jun-Quay

December 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

WINGING IT: It is believed that the Kinahan gang is using tough northside pigeons to intimidate their garda counterparts By Hugh Knows A SENIOR Garda has strongly denied rumours that Commissioner Noirín O’Sullivan operated a private pigeon loft at the rear of Garda headquarters in the Phoenix Park. The denial comes amidst fears that the… Read more »

December 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

IN A MAJOR escalation of its dispute with Ireland over ownership of Lough Foyle in Ulster, Prime Minister Theresa May now says “every bay, river, canal and lake in Éire rightfully belongs to the United Kingdom”. The Tory leader says that “as 99% of Ireland’s seawater and rain comes directly from Britain” the claim is… Read more »

December 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

MORT LOONEY Although he has spent the past 16 months actively campaigning against Donald Trump, the Governor from Deadwood, Madison County, is highly regarded by Republican voters and is seen as a shoo-in for the Foreign Secretary job. In office, Looney will divide his time between improving his golf game and insisting that all visitors… Read more »

December 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

GREAT WHITE GROPE: Hillary pictured playing spot the difference DEFEATED presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has lashed out at “certain people” whose presence in the White House “might demean the office of President of the USA”. Without naming anyone in particular, she has asked the people of America to question why they voted a known philanderer… Read more »

December 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Lee Karse IN HIS latest effort to brown-nose the American President-elect, Taoiseach Enda Kenny says he is “willing and available” to help the billionaire businessman move into the White House during his upcoming visit to the US. “Moving house is a stressful experience and I’d be only delighted to carry boxes and stuff into… Read more »

December 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

By our special correspondent Gail Force-Wynde A FERRY sailing from Shane-Rosslare to Fishgarda was denied entry to the English port this week and remained stranded on the Oirish sea overnight. The ferry attempted to access the port of Teacuppe but discovered there was a storm there also. Irish passengers on board were refused entry to… Read more »

December 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

A TEAM won a rugby match in Dublin at the weekend. The other team, which might have been expected to win, lost. No trophy was awarded to the winning team. The losing team suffered no demotion as a result of the match. Lots of players were injured in this game. Even more people got drunk… Read more »

November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology

IN NEED OF A STEER: Mary Mitchell-O’Connor says she can’t for the life of her figure out why she’s become such a figure of ridicule EMBATTLED jobs minister Mary Mitchell-O’Connor says she “fully intends to remain on as a woman” regardless of the consequences to her career. The Galway politician has endured savage criticism from… Read more »

November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology

“I wept at the cruel injustice of those words, like poisoned arrows, aimed at sweet Mr O’Brien and kindly RTÉ. No more generous, more humble people ever walked this cursed earth! (Note to sub: I can do 100 more words on this guff if you need it).”– Brendan O’Connor “This is the kind of mean-spirited,… Read more »

November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology

FLIP FLOP: Zappone pictured at a recent pro-choice rally, fooling no one with the jumper by Our Political Staff  – Henry Magoo THE MINISTER for Children and Youth Affairs has strongly defended the Government’s decision to postpone any referendum on the 8th Amendment until 2018 at the earliest. Holding a small onion close to her… Read more »

November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology

Part of house Seanie has still never seen €200m down back of sofa White elephant Tasteful, understated gold statue of Seanie and Gayle Catflap (for bankruptcy officials) Lonely Planet guide to US

November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology

‘SELFISH BASTARD’: Disgruntled FG leadership contenders lashed out at Il Papa declaring him a ‘total bo**ocks’ By Con Sealit ANGRY Fine Gael leadership contenders have accused the organisers of the 2018 World Meeting of Families of “undermining Irish democracy” and “prolonging everyone’s agony” by announcing Pope Francis may attend the event. “They must have known… Read more »

November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology

HEALY-RAE’S BEEF: Danny says many cows have turned to the drink since being forced out of work by anti-climate change measures IRELAND’S leading climate change expert Danny Healy-Rae TD has accused America’s military of “deliberately setting up Irish cattle” to take the blame for holes in the ozone layer. “De Yanks went off to de… Read more »

November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology

This week, Goldhawk’s newest columnist speaks out about Brexit Is it any wonder that iconic rock artists, such as myself, are registering their total fokkin’ disillusionment with the whole shambolic post-Brexit fall-out by challenging this imminent dystopian vista and getting out of England before the bastards start putting up taxes. I mean, fok it! The… Read more »

November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology

BUSTED: Children are already learning their rights off by heart and practising the lyrics to NWA’s ‘F**k the Police’ by Anna Stethic and Cal Pol IN AN innovative development in the industrial disputes affecting teachers and the gardaí, both the Association of Garda Sergeants and Inspectors (AGSI) and Association of Secondary Teachers in Ireland (ASTI)… Read more »

November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology

TOFF LUCK: Belvo boy and Fianna Fáil TD Jack Chambers avoiding eye contact with northsiders WHAT IS it about our elite colleges that gives such a distinct advantage in Irish life? Whether it’s high-flying businessmen (Michael O’Leary), politicians (Simon Coveney) or wooden statues (Ryan Tubridy), what is it about their really, quite unbelievably expensive and… Read more »

November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology

GOD HAS issued a statement wishing Katie Taylor all the best as she embarks on a career in professional boxing. The Bray fighter had previously credited the Big Man for all her wins and blamed Him for recent losses but there is no bad blood, according to G. “It was fantastic PR at the start… Read more »

November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology

LOOKING PENCE-IVE: VP hopeful Mike Pence who emerged from the crashed campaign physically unscathed but politically dead in the water REPUBLICAN vice-presidential candidate Mike Pence has emerged unscathed after Donald Trump’s campaign crashed into the grass beside New York’s La Guardia airport. The campaign bandwagon, which had 30 people – the remaining number of Trump… Read more »

November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology

FIGHTIN’ WORDS: McGregor dressed up for Halloween as a trade union activist from the 1980s CONOR MCGREGOR has refused to rule out talking a load of bullshit in the build-up to his fight against Eddie Alvarez in New York on November 12. The Dublin mixed martial artist, who was beaten by Nate Diaz last March… Read more »

October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Our Crime Correspondent, I.M.D Law NEWSROOMS across the nation were in panic mode last night as editors struggled to make contingency plans in advance of Ireland’s unprecedented garda strike. “I’m at my wit’s end!” claimed one veteran news boss. “We have always been able to rely on the work of the gardaí to fill… Read more »

October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology

ANONYMINISTER: No seriously, who is this man? THE Government’s plans to introduce a sugar tax have come under fire from the lunatic fringe (surely “from concerned corporates”? – Ed). “Sugar is a basic human right,” said a man in a pinstripe suit, winding down the window of his top-of-the-range merc. “The plan to install sugar… Read more »

October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology

GOING FOR THE JUGGLER: Prominent clown Mary Mitchell O’Connor AS REPORTS of menacing clowns continue, fears have been expressed that the trend is set to hit Ireland over the coming months. “There have already been numerous clown sightings in and around Dublin’s Kildare Street this week,” said a concerned garda spokesman last night, “and we… Read more »

October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology

OUTRAGED: Under-appreciated writer (Surely “parasite” – Ed), Tom Boreen-Mann THIS YEAR’s Noble prize for Sour Grapes has been awarded to a gaggle of little-known Irish poets and critics who shared the award for their negative reaction to the Nobel Prize for Literature being awarded to a self-confessed “song and dance man.” Irish poets and writers… Read more »

October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology

THE NEW lobby group promoting greater representation of women in Irish theatre has been allocated €20,000 in Arts Council funding. “This is a major breakthrough in gender equality,” said an ecstatic Kate Tool, spokesperson for Waking the Feminists. “It will allow our young playwrights to update old-fashioned Irish dramas and make them much more exciting… Read more »

October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology

PUTIN THE WORLD TO RIGHTS: Vladimir pictured shortly after leaving his Samsung charging on his jet IN A FURTHER dire warning to anti-Assad rebels, Russian butch… er, President, Vladimir Putin has threatened to drop Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phones on the Syrian city of Aleppo in his determination to oust government opponents from the stronghold…. Read more »