August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

HURLING ABUSE: Young men (pictured) will take to Twitter over the coming weeks to make their voices heard THOUSANDS of hurling fans are eagerly anticipating the start of the Premier League as the annual crossover period – where the two sports collide in the calendar – begins. With the “best league in the world” set… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

ENVIRONMENTAL campaigners are up in arms over the amount of waste being dumped in the Sunday Independent. The alarming case has seen large amounts of rubbish being dumped in the news and op-ed pages, with the pollution rapidly spreading to the lifestyle section. “You have to wade through it,” said one outraged environmentalist. “On any… Read more »

July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

SURREAL: This independent TD had a mixed reaction when told he was going to be recalled AMID growing concerns about Brexit and the future of Garda Commissioner Nóirín O’Sullivan, there have been renewed calls for Dáil Éireann to be exhumed next week. The Oireachtas has been in recess since July 14 and business is not… Read more »

July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

• Game of Thrones n Game of Thrones – 9pm; Sky Atlantic: The hit fantasy show returns for a seventh season. After narrowly being crowned Queen in the North, Arlene Foster’s kingdom grinds to a halt over her opposition to a Dothraki language act. Brutal. • The Sunday Game Live – 3pm; RTÉ 1: Screwball comedy. Which high profile coach… Read more »

July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

■ Retract that statement now, sir! ■ Send more flowers to the ODCE ■ It’s all your fault, you smug-faced prick! ■ Send Dinny our phone records, address books and kids’ nursery contacts as requested ■ What about a raffle to offload Newstalk? ■ Cancel the Christmas cards to those pensioners shouting outside the front… Read more »

July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Disclosure Favourite song: Telephone, Lady Gaga Favourite book: The Valley of the Squinting Windows Favourite suits: Taylored Favourite king: William the Bastard Favourite politician: Micheál Martin Favourite TV show: Faking It Favourite meal: Dog’s dinner Favourite band: Gossip Favourite sport: Buck passing

July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

SENSE OF JUSTICE: Simpson pictured here going up for a high ball in Croker before his arrest OJ SIMPSON is to seek a role on one of the GAA’s disciplinary bodies after recently being granted parole in Nevada for armed robbery. “I feel like I embody the GAA’s sense of justice,” said Simpson, now a… Read more »

July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

AS part of the government’s efforts to combat the effects of climate change, Minister Denis Naughten has vowed to clamp down on these notoriously poisonous toxic emitters:  INM boardroom  INM boardroom and AGMs  Donald Trump’s tweets  Conor McGregor’s mouth Paul Williams Bono Leo Varadkar’s socks Leo Varadkar in general Ryanair press office… Read more »

July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

IN AN announcement made on the lonely Banna strand in Co Kerry yesterday Danny Healy-Rae said his comments about pilots flying perfectly well after consuming three glasses of shtout were reported out of context. What he now claims to have said is that it was quite possible to fly a kite after three (or even… Read more »

July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

Striking Out: Amy Huberman returns in a tedious dragged-out saga in which everyone strikes out for the pub on Sunday night and stays there until it’s over. Saturday Night with Miriam: Amy Huberman will probably return yet again in a tedious dragged out saga in which everyone goes to the pub on Saturday night and… Read more »

July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

And lo, the world of politics was rocked to its very foundations recently when Saint Paul of Murphia was “converted” on the dusty road to Damascus. Paul, whose name meaneth small or humble in Latin (“I’m not so sure about the second one but go on with the story” – Ed) was on his way… Read more »

July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

Trump, pictured in the 1980s, says he’s not going to tolerate these anti-Russian slurs anymore. DONALD Trump’s presidency came under further pressure yesterday, after potentially damaging allegations surfaced of meetings with American political figures in the run-up to last November’s elections. The bombshell news comes as a fresh blow to the beleaguered president, who has… Read more »

July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

by Our Crime Staff Hugh Cares THEY’RE calling it the trial of the century. And no wonder! The sickening story of how Irish-born Jason Corbett was bludgeoned to death has taken America by storm.THEY’RE calling it the trial of the century. And no wonder! The sickening story of how Irish-born Jason Corbett was bludgeoned to… Read more »

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

‘ORGIES OF SELF-CONGRATULATION’: One scientist said last week’s marathon media love-in with Varadkar and Trudeau preceded the latest epidemic by Con Dumb THERE is a serious risk of a totally untreatable form of political gonorrhoea causing havoc in Ireland, the World Health Organisation have told shocked reporters. The Jobstown and Máire Whelan controversies are symptomatic… Read more »

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

Government ‘draws a line’ under the matter Garda filmed handcuffing 98-year-old woman to a skip Paul Murphy is sentenced to death Vincent Browne postpones retirement Bin charge scheme ‘suspended’ pending ‘review’ Labour Party issues a statement.

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

Her sad frown and wide-eyed expression speak volumes about her troubled life. Joan (her real name) has faced the most horrendous dangers in recent times. In particular, the former Tánaiste has spoken courageously of her “absolute horror” after foul-mouthed protesters surged towards her at a public event in Tallaght in 2014. Sitting quietly in the… Read more »

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

*All Orange Lodge-ments please note The Cash My Father Wore Derry’s Hole-in-the-Walls Rise Funds of William The Ballad of Lyndsey Money Orange Gathering (Dosh) Song The Orange Money Tree

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

This week Dr Meehole Martin warns against the dangers of opening one’s mouth without checking with getting the proper advice first. AS A doctor I am very alarmed by recent reports of verbal diarrhoea, or Leosloosetongue as its medically known. What seems to have happened is that some young upstart decided to start mouthing off… Read more »

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

A steamy new extract from the erotic works of Josepha Madigan TD In a world where the naked flouting of decent behaviour is seemingly the norm, she thought she had seen everything. Certainly she was no prude. But this time Murphy had gone way, way too far. Her eyes scanned the social media content. Footage… Read more »

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

Juno and the Payroll The Importance of Being Solvent Long Day’s Journey into Nama Hamletting Pygmillions Oedipoint Village Rex A Man for All Seizures The Merchant of Vicar Street An Asset Inspector Calls

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

Jeff Hendrick  The attacking midfielder has promised to drag viewers out of their comfort zones and put “touchy feely” politicians on trial. Arlene Foster  The bad-tempered diva has recommended DUP leader Arlene Foster become his successor. Foster has vowed to make panellists feel the heat. Simon Coveney  This political high-flyer is understood to have had… Read more »

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

So farewell, Vincent Browne My gran is distraught She loved your every frown But thought That watching you “in search of truth” While shaping for a fight Was better with the sound on mute Than listening to your shite

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

• Love Island: ITV2, 8pm – Reality dating series. Political show-boaters trapped on a desert island vie for the media’s attention, parading around in novelty socks, pretending to play hurling and jogging. Sickly sweet. • Tonight with Vincent Browne: TV3, 10.30pm – Iconic news show. Matt Cooper (or possibly Mick Clifford or that other chap)… Read more »

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

HAIR TODAY…: The developer has strenously denied the design of the building (pictured) had anything to do with his ego or famously inflated sense self-importance by E Go CHEERS of celebration erupted across Dublin last night as news spread that the city council had refused planning for a 22-storey skyscraper near the city’s historic core…. Read more »

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

WIMBLEDON has been thrown into chaos following the announcement that men’s doubles stars Shane Ross and Eamon Dunphy have split up. The shocking news has devastated the tennis community which had hoped the pair would continue to play out their well-rehearsed routine throughout July. The duo reached breaking point when Ross became obsessed with how… Read more »

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

FOLLOWING their successful missile tests, North Korean scientists have revealed some other cutting-edge programmes they’ve been working on, including: VHS recorder Paraffin oil lamps Ulster Scots dictionary Fidget Spinners The new U2 album Next guest on Saturday Night with Miriam Poolbeg incinerator Jobstown garda note taker Artistic director of Harry Crosbie street theatre Pay by… Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

“I’m against it. I was once accused of being in a relationship with a bunch of gardaí and a female judge.” Shane Ross           “I’m all for it. The Labour Party supports getting into bed with all and sundry, regardless of political affiliation, beliefs or scruples.” Brendan Howlin      … Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

An occasional service to Phoenix readers explaining the meaning of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy. This Week – DUP Origin. contraction of Do + up. To Do Up, to repair, to improve, to present oneself well. Eg “The party’s HQ is in a good location but it needs doing up a bit; say £2bn worth of… Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

1. Spontaneous spells of hot air causing mild discomfort but soon passing to most likely return periodically. 2. Remaining static up North with a slowly departing front in the South giving way to frost and ice. 3. A seemingly never ending shower that somehow continues to get worse. 4. Unruly, unpredictable movements coming in from… Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

Salutamus Dr Sir Lord Bobbus Geldofus, amicus Bonodius apud raggedi hairi scraggias ratstailium et foulus gobbus et multi millionarium quod askius givusius yerfuckin moneyum et neveri shuttupi et singerius uselessius apud Boomtownium boringfartsium et looni oanboatus Thamesium apud Nigelius Faragius et nexius desirus spacium tripius apud beardi Bransoni Virgini Galacti hopefullium onewayum! BOD AND AMY’S… Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

QUIT THE DAY JOB: The actor is adjusting to civilian life but was visibly frustrated yesterday after being forced to queue at his local supermarket By Hollie Wood AUDIENCES have given a major thumbs-down to three-time Oscar winner Daniel Day-Lewis following his latest performance as a non-actor. The Wicklow man made his debut in the… Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

EXAM students all over Ireland are demanding that they be automatically allowed to repeat examinations they have done badly in, using the original exam paper so they have a fair opportunity to achieve higher points. Said one student: “My eighth subject was, loike, Jopanese. “I will, loike, dafinitely need to repeat. I never even completed… Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

As part of our coverage of the 2017 Confederations Cup in Russia, Goldhawk profiles some of the managers at this year’s tournament. Cameroon  – Shane de Rossi This flamboyant right- winger terrorised opponents down the years with his relentless attacks. However, he has found the transition from player to manager very difficult and stands accused… Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

Fast Spin: Limousine trip on the motorway Full Cycle: Everyone gets to go on holiday eventually before we start again Hot ‘n’ Cold: Brazil first and then a weekend in Iceland Tub: Large container of ice cream towards the end of the banquet Powder: Gift for herself’s nose at Christmas Tumble: When the jewels fall… Read more »

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

Whitewash – What New Zealand cross often. Also end of series result Pride – What they’ll pretend they’re playing for after this Saturday’s defeat Dirt-trackers – The team that doesn’t face two more thrashings by NZ All Black – The team’s outlook on winning a Test

June 29, 2017 Craic & Codology

Favourite song: Taxman, The Beatles Favourite player: Tommy Coyne Favourite signing: Quinton Fortune Favourite midfielder: Matty Cash Favourite genre: Cooking Books Favourite character: Artful Dodger Favourite analyst: Garth Crooks Favourite musician: Muddy Waters Favourite destination: Moneypoint