September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

Don’t blow it in front of the media Pull over John O’Keeffe – he’s driving us demented Arrest slide in reputation amongst members of public Sort out our PR – it’s a car crash Watch for reporters… Keep an eye on journalists getting ahead of themselves Put brakes on GRA backlash

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

(with apologies to Shay Healy) We’ve been waiting such a long time, Hoping that you’ll go But you’re still here Not another year We’ve been pleading for such a long time, Reaching out to you But you don’t hear Oh, not another year Not another year For Shinners who want a government of their own… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

FOILED AGAIN: Fine Gael councillor Brian Murphy pictured here in his favourite headwear DUN Laoghaire-Rathdown Councillor Brian Murphy has warned constituents to “check under the bed” at night amidst growing alarm that jihadist terrorists may be ready to take over their houses as they sleep. Cllr Murphy says “tens of thousands of homes in Germany,… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Our Obituary Staff – Phil Grave WHEN I heard the sad news that another of our greatest writers had passed away, I was immediately gripped by a sense of desolation, which I had never experienced in over 25 years of journalism. I had good reason to feel sad. Although I had never met the… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

Narcos, Netflix — Season 3 of the smash hit crime show. Watch the drama unfold as the daring DEA falsify breath tests and smear whistleblowers while failing to take down an evil druglord. Sickening. Ploughing Live, RTÉ 2, 7:00PM — All the action from the Ploughing Championships where the Mayo ploughers look destined to snatch… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

Cut Us A Line Pablo Escobar Lad Peruvian Marching Powder Keep Snorting Give Us A Gram I’m Invincible Dogs 7–10: Didn’t run – later found in toilets with credit cards

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

FOLLOWING months of eager anticipation, tech giant Apple has finally unveiled the company’s new futuristic iPhone X. “It is all screen, it is beautiful to look at, incredible to hold,’ said a grey-haired marketing man in a pair of jeans yesterday. “Our customers have never seen anything like it – at least not since last year’s update.” The… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

Favourite song: Rocket Man, Elton John Favourite film: Striking Distance Favourite TV show: Big Bang Theory Favourite food: Fried Favourite destination: Bombay Favourite rapper: Lil’ Kim Favourite band: Fall Out Boy Favourite book: War and Peace Favourite game: Brinkmanship Favourite nickname: Fat Man

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

The Communications Unit News Team will have responsibility for shaping the news agenda to highlight the positive aspects of the government’s legislative programme. Some of these stories will include : • Leo is fantastic isn’t he? • He’s more ripped than an internal memo from Anglo Irish Bank • Pensioners are also great • And… Read more »

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

OFFALY’S HURLING woes were caused by a worldwide downturn in hurling and not local events or structures, a new report has concluded. The Faithful County, four-time All-Ireland winners, is currently in a slump with a review committee having resigned en masse amid frustration over the county board’s attitude to reform. Soon after it emerged that… Read more »

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

1014: Red Hugh O’Neill defeats Spanish Armada at the Battle of Vinegar Hill 1169: William of Orange drafts Good Friday Agreement 1315: Wolfe Tone marries Aoife MacMurrough at Stormont Castle 1607: Countess Markievicz invents camogie and Irish dancing 1690:  Robert Emmet establishes Shamrock Rovers 1798: Patrick Sarsfield elected MP for South Longford 1845: Fungie the… Read more »

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

What Leo says What Leo Means Global footprint Trendy socks from lots of countries More embassies to increase our global presence More photo ops for me posing with world leaders Will help unlock the enormous untapped potential There’s no end of places I can get to visit! We must always be ambitious I can master… Read more »

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

WE NEVER see much in the papers about summer holidays at this time of year – which is strange since it’s a really interesting subject. Last week, for instance, I found myself in Sicily enjoying wall-to-wall sunshine. It was so hot that I spent the entire time in Julio’s, a sidestreet taverna in Palermo where… Read more »

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

FLOODY HELL: A picture of utter devastation in Bundoran after the last O’Donnell-Carter show tore through the town THERE WAS further devastation for the people of Donegal last week as Daniel O’Donnell and Nathan Carter performed a show to help victims of the flood disaster. Dozens of homes were destroyed by the recent downpours and… Read more »

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

Twelfth Night: Hilarious piece of work about a group of unfortunates dealing with a shipwrecked health service while clinging to trolleys for nearly a fortnight. Starring Simon Harris as the man disguised as capable of solving the problems. A Streetcar Named Desperation: Contemporary drama set in modern Ireland. Tensions rise as a desperate young woman… Read more »

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

Scary O’Leary & the Jets: Typically long-winded bout of trumpet blowing by the veteran high flyer had the large and frantic audience on their feet, banging their heads against the surrounding walls and demanding more. Unfortunately for them, Mick decided if the wanted more they would have to pay extra so everyone went somewhere else…. Read more »

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Fight Club Favourite song: Viva Las Vegas Favourite TV show: Bonanza Favourite currency: Dollars Favourite shoes: Flip Flops Favourite newspaper: USA Today Favourite sport: Skipping Favourite climate: May weather Favourite singer: Johnny Cash Favourite politician: Boxer Moran

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

IF WE were looking for a single number that would irrefutably indicate what is genuinely distinctive about the Irish Times now, the number would have to be 187. This refers to the number of in-depth and provocatively challenging articles I have written so far this year. The diversity of subjects has ranged widely across such… Read more »

September 6, 2017 Craic & Codology

ENHANCED SOLUTIONS: Finance minister Paschal Donohoe has said the scheme will help various government bodies to work together and share vital information about Doherty A SPECIAL identity card is to be issued immediately to the Minister for Social Protection, Regina Doherty. A government spokesperson has said the main purpose of the card is to assist… Read more »

August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology

TV Listings Conor McGregor vs Floyd Mayweather — Sky Box Office 12AM: The most obnoxious men on earth not named Coveney and Varadkar battle to see who can do the most damage to the sport of boxing in the shortest space of time.

August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology

That OCI Report (in full) 1. The 2016 Olympics were held in Rio de Janeiro, which is Brazil’s second-largest city. 2. Pat Hickey, an Irish sports administrator, was president of the Olympic Council of Ireland from 1988 until 2016. 3. The shawl-collar guest bathrobes at Rio’s Family Olympic Hotel are exceptionally luxurious. 4. Some questions were raised… Read more »

August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology

Growing faith in Murphy’s beard By Patty O’Doors HOUSING Minister Eoghan Murphy’s efforts to solve Ireland’s spiralling housing problems were boosted yesterday as a new poll revealed that nine out of 10 respondents believe his beard is “doing a good job”. “The facial hair is putting in a great effort. It’s making him look more… Read more »

August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology

That RTÉ Autumn Schedule in full By our entertainment correspondent – Abe Solutcrap In anticipation of being denied an increase in the licence fee, RTÉ has announced an autumn schedule that is guaranteed to generate public reaction at the quality of the programming. Francis Brennan’s Grand Camping Tour Lots of cameo performances from a supporting… Read more »

August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology

Donald Trump’s Favourites Favourite song: Nights in White Satin, The Moody Blues  Favourite film: The Triumph of the Will Favourite TV show: The Dukes of Hazzard  Favourite sport: Master race Favourite poem: The White Man’s Burden  Favourite food: Crackers  Favourite latte/wife: White and skinny Favourite insect: Wasp  Favourite holiday: Vichy  Favourite animal: Desert Fox

August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology

Presidential Race Hots Up Who are they – the 2018 Áras front-runners? Arlene Foster The DUP leader has been reaching out over recent months – particularly to receive £1 billion in cash from the British PM – and she may now be interested in extending her considerable influence throughout the whole of Ireland. Kim Jong-un Although North… Read more »

August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology

Nóirín O’Sullivan’s Europol Application Operational expertise My careful handling of the whistleblower fiasco was a total success. Every possible precaution was taken to ensure that not only was justice done, but there was plenty of waffle so that it was seen to be done. Such an appropriate strategy surely qualifies me for a very senior… Read more »

August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology

Those Rose of Tralee Contestants Regina (Prickly Rose) Regina has lots of thorny sides but isn’t really a rose so much as a wallflower, being very, very shy when there even a scent of someone digging up the dirt from the past. “Mention one word about not coming up smelling of roses and I’ll call… Read more »

August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology

Staying On (A new poem) When first I took the job in hand I whispered to Sabina Seven years only, have I planned For this Phoenix Park arena But bad things happen like a curse – Like Hickey and Shane Ross And Trump and Brexit… but there’s worse Th ere’s Bertie as the boss! He… Read more »

August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology

Brits want Coveney left as he is By Con Jugal BREXIT negotiations hit a new stumbling block last night as the British and Irish governments differed wildly on what kind of Simon Coveney should exist. Said one British government official, “Frankly, a hard Simon Coveney is a ludicrous concept, old boy. It’s delusional. Simon Coveney… Read more »