October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Phil Boots FORMER Taoiseach Bertie Ahern says he is “willing and able” to assist Kerry football legend Colm ‘The Gooch’ Cooper with his testimonial dinner this month. The ex-Fianna Fáil leader said, “I actually participated in several fundraising events of that kind back in the day so I have great experience. It’s not as… Read more »

October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

Favourite TV show: The Price Is Right Favourite film: A Fistful of Dollars Favourite song: Take the Money and Run Favourite animal: Fat cat Favourite food: Bread Favourite character: Gordon Gekko Favourite book: My Post Office savings book Favourite tennis player: Pat Cash Favourite colour: Gold

October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

Mr Mercedes RTÉ 2, 7:00PM — Documentary about Fine Gael TD Noel Rock as he attempts to get his hands on a ministerial car. Contains scenes some viewers may find cringeworthy. Embarrassing Nobodies TV3, 8:00PM — Medical series. Dr Pixie McKenna meets Ivan and Matt who have being suffering from chronic smugness since childhood. Nowhere… Read more »

October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

THOUSANDS of commuters face being late for their cancelled Ryanair flights after the dispute between Irish Rail unions and management escalated last night. As the threat of strike action grows, there are fears that passengers will be left stranded at rail stations unable to get to the city to hail a taxi that would bring… Read more »

October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

GEORGE HOOK has condemned Saudi Arabia’s decision to allow women drive cars. The veteran broadcaster claimed male motorists would need to exercise extreme caution on the roads. “The problem with putting women behind the wheel is that they are always giving mixed signals and they don’t understand the concept of a green light. We need… Read more »

October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Phil Antrophy THE GOVERNMENT was coming under increasing pressure last night to declare September 26th ‘National Mary Mitchell O’Connor Day’. The calls follow the announcement by the ‘Super Junior’ Minister of State for Altruistic Endeavour (Surely Higher Education – Ed) that she was “happy to forego” a U16,000 salary hike to which she was… Read more »

October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

THERE was widespread apathy throughout Ireland last night after the Taoiseach announced a timeline for several new referendums over the next two years. As almost nobody at all took to the streets to welcome the news, one angry Dubliner summed up the mood of the nation. “It’s just typical,” said Mike Madeupname. “You wait ages… Read more »

October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

Waiting for Pilots Reworking of the classic Beckett play about two men waiting for a plane that never arrives. Starring Michael O’Leary as Vladimir and Shane Ross as Lucky. All times are approximate. Much Ado About Nothing The story of Paschal, a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed Blueshirt who has to give a meaningless budget speech to… Read more »

October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

RTÉ’s Michael Corcoran (for it is he): “…Welcome to Twickenham where Ireland is taking on the combined might of France and South Africa in an all-out bid to host the 2023 World Cup. And already, the opposition have grabbed the game by the scruff of the teeth, thanks to the legendary 33-stone Jacob Zuma, who… Read more »

October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

THE TAOISEACH has defended controversial remarks he made about Sinn Féin’s Mary Lou McDonald. Varadkar was accused of sexism when he claimed Mary Lou was being “very cranky” following a heated exchange. But while speaking outside Leinster House, the Fine Gael leader denied he is patronising towards women. “I think anyone who witnessed the incident… Read more »

October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

According to coach Leo Cullen, “Leinster can only control the controllables.” After their recent trip to South Africa, he has identified some issues to be addressed. Brush up on international Visa requirements Research a team call ‘The Cheetahs’ Bring up this whole playing against South Africa teams with Pro14 bosses

October 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

by Ross O’Carroll-Kelly Exclusive extract from Keep ‘Em Coming, the hilarious new book by Ireland’s multi-award-winning journalist. You don’t always have to be a top-notch sell-out author, playwright and all-round genius type comedy writer to be on the receiving end of so much attention in the soaraway Irish Times, but that’s exactly what I actually… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

RANK AND SINGLE FILE: Plain clothes gardai pictured here at a popular Dublin nightspot after being forced by senior management to ‘police outdoors’ By Policing Correspondent, Jack Boot IN A SHOCKING new twist to the crises in An Garda, it is claimed that hundreds of rank and file members were “forced to police outdoors” because… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

FIANNA FÁIL leader Micheál Martin has confirmed at his party’s annual think-in that one of their elected politicians was the victim of an elaborate “honeytrap” scheme in which he was forced to expose his real intentions. Martin said that the politician in question and his party had been in a stable but boring relationship with… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

This apology is intended as a deep expression of remorse for any hurt that my unconsidered comments may have caused to the victims of rape, their families or anyone else affected by my unfortunate error of judgement for which I am truly sorry. The producers of High Ruin and Newstalk management deeply regret that yesterday’s… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Fintan Tool What I have to say is of no consequence – regardless of my prominence as the leading intellectual voice of the post-modern generation and the pioneering advocate of Irish Times radicalism – in publicly denouncing the disgraceful rape comments perpetrated by George Hook. It is incumbent on me to decry Hook’s reprehensible… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

This Week: ‘HOOK’ Something hard and thick, curved or bent back at an angle, typically barbed and baited for catching hold of things. “George was always deliberately outragous in order to hook listeners”. Used also for hanging things on (a ‘tough guy’ reputation, perhaps? Ed) Sling your hook – A polite way of telling someone… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

Michael O’Neill: The Northern Ireland gaffer has shown he can organise a squad of journeymen and no-hopers to perform to the highest international standards. Comfortable with whistle blowers and certain to eliminate the habit of own goals, has experience with the breathalyser system. Chances: Probably blown it. Davy Russell: The former champion jockey would soon… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

Due to recent developments a vacancy has arisen for a senior management position in An Garda Síochána. Generous remuneration includes substantial retirement package and free parking on any footpath in the country. The successful candidate will: i) Have a strong and detailed understanding of primal work practices and ancient rituals ii) Be in (legal) possession… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

Don’t blow it in front of the media Pull over John O’Keeffe – he’s driving us demented Arrest slide in reputation amongst members of public Sort out our PR – it’s a car crash Watch for reporters… Keep an eye on journalists getting ahead of themselves Put brakes on GRA backlash

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

(with apologies to Shay Healy) We’ve been waiting such a long time, Hoping that you’ll go But you’re still here Not another year We’ve been pleading for such a long time, Reaching out to you But you don’t hear Oh, not another year Not another year For Shinners who want a government of their own… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

FOILED AGAIN: Fine Gael councillor Brian Murphy pictured here in his favourite headwear DUN Laoghaire-Rathdown Councillor Brian Murphy has warned constituents to “check under the bed” at night amidst growing alarm that jihadist terrorists may be ready to take over their houses as they sleep. Cllr Murphy says “tens of thousands of homes in Germany,… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Our Obituary Staff – Phil Grave WHEN I heard the sad news that another of our greatest writers had passed away, I was immediately gripped by a sense of desolation, which I had never experienced in over 25 years of journalism. I had good reason to feel sad. Although I had never met the… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

Narcos, Netflix — Season 3 of the smash hit crime show. Watch the drama unfold as the daring DEA falsify breath tests and smear whistleblowers while failing to take down an evil druglord. Sickening. Ploughing Live, RTÉ 2, 7:00PM — All the action from the Ploughing Championships where the Mayo ploughers look destined to snatch… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

Cut Us A Line Pablo Escobar Lad Peruvian Marching Powder Keep Snorting Give Us A Gram I’m Invincible Dogs 7–10: Didn’t run – later found in toilets with credit cards

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

FOLLOWING months of eager anticipation, tech giant Apple has finally unveiled the company’s new futuristic iPhone X. “It is all screen, it is beautiful to look at, incredible to hold,’ said a grey-haired marketing man in a pair of jeans yesterday. “Our customers have never seen anything like it – at least not since last year’s update.” The… Read more »

September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology

Favourite song: Rocket Man, Elton John Favourite film: Striking Distance Favourite TV show: Big Bang Theory Favourite food: Fried Favourite destination: Bombay Favourite rapper: Lil’ Kim Favourite band: Fall Out Boy Favourite book: War and Peace Favourite game: Brinkmanship Favourite nickname: Fat Man

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

The Communications Unit News Team will have responsibility for shaping the news agenda to highlight the positive aspects of the government’s legislative programme. Some of these stories will include : • Leo is fantastic isn’t he? • He’s more ripped than an internal memo from Anglo Irish Bank • Pensioners are also great • And… Read more »

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

OFFALY’S HURLING woes were caused by a worldwide downturn in hurling and not local events or structures, a new report has concluded. The Faithful County, four-time All-Ireland winners, is currently in a slump with a review committee having resigned en masse amid frustration over the county board’s attitude to reform. Soon after it emerged that… Read more »

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

1014: Red Hugh O’Neill defeats Spanish Armada at the Battle of Vinegar Hill 1169: William of Orange drafts Good Friday Agreement 1315: Wolfe Tone marries Aoife MacMurrough at Stormont Castle 1607: Countess Markievicz invents camogie and Irish dancing 1690:  Robert Emmet establishes Shamrock Rovers 1798: Patrick Sarsfield elected MP for South Longford 1845: Fungie the… Read more »

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

What Leo says What Leo Means Global footprint Trendy socks from lots of countries More embassies to increase our global presence More photo ops for me posing with world leaders Will help unlock the enormous untapped potential There’s no end of places I can get to visit! We must always be ambitious I can master… Read more »