February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

By May Dupp TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar says he is “fully confident” there will be enough milk and honey to meet the requirements of every tap in Ireland as contained in the government’s Project Ireland 2040 document. Sceptics have expressed doubt that the measure was achievable but the Fine Gael leader yesterday laughed off the doubters…. Read more »

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

• Inexperienced ministers must be accompanied by fully qualified public relations expert at all times • Crackdown on useless spare wheels (Independent Alliance) • Shane Ross to be allowed drive royal carriage in bus lanes • Ministers to lose cars if they spend too much time on hobby horses • Ask Mattie McGrath to get… Read more »

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

Martin O’Neillbeforeme Yes, of course I will give up something. Or at least get close to giving up something. That’s not to say I will follow the giving-up process to its conclusion. Sometimes I like to nearly, nearly, nearly give up something before changing my mind and not giving it up at all! That’s perfectly… Read more »

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

Britain’s Foreign Secretary updates readers on the Brexit talks HOORAH! Yes. It’s time to focus hearts and minds on all things Brexit. And what better way to kick off than with good old Bozza’s cracking speecheroo last week spelling out a few basic home truths to send the wind up all these Euro Johnnies who… Read more »

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Noah Notice IRISH Times editor Paul O’Neill has denied “losing the newsroom” after a plethora of hacks ignored his plea for objectivity when filing reports on the Eighth Amendment referendum. Laughing at “the very thought”, the floppy-haired hack asked, “would I be making tea for Una and Kitty right now if there was a… Read more »

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

Fintan Tool IT’S HARD to believe that just two years ago, I was busy churning out erudite and thought-provoking 2,000-word pieces about Brexit – or should that be Brexile? My discourse focused primarily on Ireland’s volatile prospects vis-à-vis our relationship with the UK following the inevitable onslaught of the new political order. With such a… Read more »

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Our Property Staff, Phil Space JUST A short distance off the Donegal coast, the picturesque island is perfect for commuting to Dublin. Árainn Mhór is without question one of the best value neighbourhoods in the greater Dublin area. The remote island location offers prices that are affordable to most first-time buyers and is well… Read more »

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

Functioning health service postponed until 3040 Mick Wallace to have haircut by 2025 At least one million more Vlad press conferences over next decade Disclosures Tribunal to issue interim report in 2035 / lawyers’ fees to be calculated by same date Martin O’Neill to uncover creative midfield player over next 20 years Mayo to win… Read more »

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

ON BEHALF of the media we wish to apologise to the general public for creating the impression that a deal to restore power-sharing at Stormont was imminent. Headlines such as “deal nearly done” and “restoration close at hand” may have inadvertently created the impression that an executive would return in the next few weeks. This… Read more »

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

• Room to Improve – RTÉ 2, 9pm: Architect Dermot Bannon shows the public just how easy it is to build houses. The construction work is carried out despite vehement opposition from the Fine Gael/Fianna Fáil cowboys.

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

Listen guys it moves me to accept this awaaawrd; it really, really moves me. I mean that sincerely. I wouldn’t say it moves me if it didn’t move me. But this awaaard isn’t really about me. It’s about Ireland and a past betraaayed by the treacherous deeds of friend and foe alike. It’s about Famine,… Read more »

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

In Other Events: Ice Hockey Michael Healy-Rae got off to a really great start attacking Mark MacSharry in the first round. Curling Sports Minister Shane Ross’s ice bowl got stuck in a pot hole. Gardaí from Stepaside were flown out on the government jet to try to get it out. Nordic Combined Sinn Féin’s chairman… Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

THE Government has come under fire for saying it is unable to legislate for Simon Coveney. “It’s out of my hands, Simon is a law unto himself,” commented Vlad Varadkar during his hourly press conference. “How people want to do deals with him is a matter of conscience.” The Tánaiste recently hit the headlines after… Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

by Our Referendum Staff Harry McGoo CAMPAIGNERS on both sides of the abortion debate are bracing themselves for a hard battle over the coming months in the run-up to the contentious Appeal of the Eighth Amendment Referendum in May. However, it emerged last night that a huge percentage of Irish people are still undecided about… Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

An occasional service to readers offering selected meanings of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy Safe adj. Secure from risk. “Will my Dáil seat be safe after this referendum?” Legal adj. Having a formal status derived from law often without a basis in actual fact. Rare adj. Lightly cooked. “This half-baked proposal for the… Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

Vote only once by putting a cross in the box next to your choice. [ ] Option 1 – Set aside the Eighth Amendment with immediate effect, allowing for further consultation from interested parties with regard to a fresh set of comprehensive proposals vis-à-vis this highly complex issue which can then be carefully reconsidered in… Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

Tony to Martin Sometimes I sense your mood grow tense And our chats lack love and joy But if it’s a case that you need more space You can always send out Roy   Gerry to Arlene Parting is such sweet, sweet sorrow And as I leave you to tomorrow Your cold, cold heart may… Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

FINE Gael TD Noel “Alternative” Rock has slammed organisers of a Dublin concert after they put tickets on sale for a reasonable price. “This is an affront to hard-working politicians like myself who love to go on radio stations and get on the airwaves,” said Rock. “I haven’t been on any programmes in the past… Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Slumdog Millionaire  Favourite TV show: Follow the Money  Favourite song: Out of Reach, Gabrielle  Favourite game: Cowboys and Indians Favourite band: Far East Movement  Favourite place: Earn County  Favourite season: Indian summer  Favourite animal: Cash cow  Favourite food: Frozen  Favourite sports event: Calcutta Cup

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

Derrylin’s newest Indian restaurant Starters Frozen Assets (Naan of your business) Vindaloot (stuffed away) Tikka (lotta nerve) ******* Mains Ready Cooked Books Half-baked Bean Counters Curry Favour with Porkie Pies With Unsavoury Salad Nickoise Burnt Fingers of Fish (Frittered on bed of own making) ******* Just Desserts Making a Mint Tea or Earl Grey Areas… Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

An occasional series addressing readers’ concerns: Q: I am shortly visiting India for the first time. As I have a weak stomach can anyone recommend a suitable diet? A: You may be in luck. From recent newspaper reports, it appears that the super-seedy supplement food Quinn-oa has now become available in India. The even better… Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

THERE were scenes of despair around Dublin yesterday after U2 sold out within seconds when presented with the chance to appear in another Apple advert. Disappointed fans took to social media to express their dismay when it became clear the band hadn’t a scintilla of credibility left. Meanwhile, intense speculation surrounds the support acts for… Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

LOU WINS! NEXT SATURDAY’S ELECTION VOTE THE ELECTION of the Great One Lou as leader of the MDTVPSF (Most Democratically Transparent Voting PARTY of Sinn Féin) has been decided at the party’s national congress in a chicken factory in South Armagh next weekend. In a totally open and free election members will be asked if… Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

To celebrate the beginning of the Winter Olympics in PyeongChang, Goldhawk profiles some of the Irish participants at this year’s games. Biathlon: Shooting/Skiing   The legendary Kinahan-Hutch duo are considered Ireland’s best chance of a medal. Armed to the teeth and considered unstoppable, these legendary marksmen will shoot anything that moves on the Korean Peninsula. … Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

St Michael’s College v Terenure College 25 – 16 POST-MATCH BRAWL 14 Head Butts – 16 Kick in the Balls Disallowed guillotine 33rd minute Gurrier sent back into the pub for striking garda Yellow card for brawler urinating on 7,000 series Beemer Flying bottle found to be offside when thrown D4 mum sin-binned for use… Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Sammy Wilson NUTCASES around the country have reacted angrily to the DUP’s Sammy Wilson comparing them to Leo Varadkar. Wilson had made the comparison in the context of the Brexit negotiations, but nutcases have said the slur is unacceptable under any circumstances. “To say we bear any resemblance to Fine Gael politicians is just… Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

A well-known singer and musician has turned 60. On other pages How the man celebrated his birthday The full guest of liggers who attended the event of the century 200 pics of well-known singer’s career 2,000 pictures of Bono, Imelda May, Johnny Depp, Michael D, etc. Why I think Shane is the greatest songwriter of… Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

By May A. Culpa THE HSE and Health Minister Simon Harris believe the recent apology outbreak that caused so much fear and discomfort across the country “has now peaked”. A spokersperson for the Department of Health has reassured the public that they “should see a rapid decline in apologies over the coming weeks and months”…. Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

by Our Showbiz Staff Philippa Page I NEVER had the pleasure of meeting Dolores and, sadly, didn’t know her at all. But like every other hack in the country, I was asked to write 2,000 words about her for a newspaper. Needless to say, the news that the Cranberries singer had died suddenly at the… Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

by Our Armorial Staff AS PREPARATIONS continue for the coronation of Sinn Féin’s deputy leader to succeed Gerry Adams as the party’s president, details of Ms McDonald’s coat of arms have been revealed to the public. The main quartering of the heraldic shield will show: 1. Vintage-style rolling pin for use during Leo Varadkar’s Leader’s… Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

WE at INM want to convey our profoundest congratulations to our dear friend and colleague Stephen Rae on his appointment as Champion of Truth and Fake News Slayer with the European Commission’s expert group. Having known Stephen for so long, all of us at INM can scarcely believe the news. He will bring a strong… Read more »