February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

An occasional service to readers offering selected meanings of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy Safe adj. Secure from risk. “Will my Dáil seat be safe after this referendum?” Legal adj. Having a formal status derived from law often without a basis in actual fact. Rare adj. Lightly cooked. “This half-baked proposal for the… Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

Vote only once by putting a cross in the box next to your choice. [ ] Option 1 – Set aside the Eighth Amendment with immediate effect, allowing for further consultation from interested parties with regard to a fresh set of comprehensive proposals vis-à-vis this highly complex issue which can then be carefully reconsidered in… Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

Tony to Martin Sometimes I sense your mood grow tense And our chats lack love and joy But if it’s a case that you need more space You can always send out Roy   Gerry to Arlene Parting is such sweet, sweet sorrow And as I leave you to tomorrow Your cold, cold heart may… Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

FINE Gael TD Noel “Alternative” Rock has slammed organisers of a Dublin concert after they put tickets on sale for a reasonable price. “This is an affront to hard-working politicians like myself who love to go on radio stations and get on the airwaves,” said Rock. “I haven’t been on any programmes in the past… Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Slumdog Millionaire  Favourite TV show: Follow the Money  Favourite song: Out of Reach, Gabrielle  Favourite game: Cowboys and Indians Favourite band: Far East Movement  Favourite place: Earn County  Favourite season: Indian summer  Favourite animal: Cash cow  Favourite food: Frozen  Favourite sports event: Calcutta Cup

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

Derrylin’s newest Indian restaurant Starters Frozen Assets (Naan of your business) Vindaloot (stuffed away) Tikka (lotta nerve) ******* Mains Ready Cooked Books Half-baked Bean Counters Curry Favour with Porkie Pies With Unsavoury Salad Nickoise Burnt Fingers of Fish (Frittered on bed of own making) ******* Just Desserts Making a Mint Tea or Earl Grey Areas… Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

An occasional series addressing readers’ concerns: Q: I am shortly visiting India for the first time. As I have a weak stomach can anyone recommend a suitable diet? A: You may be in luck. From recent newspaper reports, it appears that the super-seedy supplement food Quinn-oa has now become available in India. The even better… Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

THERE were scenes of despair around Dublin yesterday after U2 sold out within seconds when presented with the chance to appear in another Apple advert. Disappointed fans took to social media to express their dismay when it became clear the band hadn’t a scintilla of credibility left. Meanwhile, intense speculation surrounds the support acts for… Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

To celebrate the beginning of the Winter Olympics in PyeongChang, Goldhawk profiles some of the Irish participants at this year’s games. Biathlon: Shooting/Skiing   The legendary Kinahan-Hutch duo are considered Ireland’s best chance of a medal. Armed to the teeth and considered unstoppable, these legendary marksmen will shoot anything that moves on the Korean Peninsula. … Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

St Michael’s College v Terenure College 25 – 16 POST-MATCH BRAWL 14 Head Butts – 16 Kick in the Balls Disallowed guillotine 33rd minute Gurrier sent back into the pub for striking garda Yellow card for brawler urinating on 7,000 series Beemer Flying bottle found to be offside when thrown D4 mum sin-binned for use… Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

LOU WINS! NEXT SATURDAY’S ELECTION VOTE THE ELECTION of the Great One Lou as leader of the MDTVPSF (Most Democratically Transparent Voting PARTY of Sinn Féin) has been decided at the party’s national congress in a chicken factory in South Armagh next weekend. In a totally open and free election members will be asked if… Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Sammy Wilson NUTCASES around the country have reacted angrily to the DUP’s Sammy Wilson comparing them to Leo Varadkar. Wilson had made the comparison in the context of the Brexit negotiations, but nutcases have said the slur is unacceptable under any circumstances. “To say we bear any resemblance to Fine Gael politicians is just… Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

A well-known singer and musician has turned 60. On other pages How the man celebrated his birthday The full guest of liggers who attended the event of the century 200 pics of well-known singer’s career 2,000 pictures of Bono, Imelda May, Johnny Depp, Michael D, etc. Why I think Shane is the greatest songwriter of… Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

By May A. Culpa THE HSE and Health Minister Simon Harris believe the recent apology outbreak that caused so much fear and discomfort across the country “has now peaked”. A spokersperson for the Department of Health has reassured the public that they “should see a rapid decline in apologies over the coming weeks and months”…. Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

by Our Showbiz Staff Philippa Page I NEVER had the pleasure of meeting Dolores and, sadly, didn’t know her at all. But like every other hack in the country, I was asked to write 2,000 words about her for a newspaper. Needless to say, the news that the Cranberries singer had died suddenly at the… Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

by Our Armorial Staff AS PREPARATIONS continue for the coronation of Sinn Féin’s deputy leader to succeed Gerry Adams as the party’s president, details of Ms McDonald’s coat of arms have been revealed to the public. The main quartering of the heraldic shield will show: 1. Vintage-style rolling pin for use during Leo Varadkar’s Leader’s… Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

WE at INM want to convey our profoundest congratulations to our dear friend and colleague Stephen Rae on his appointment as Champion of Truth and Fake News Slayer with the European Commission’s expert group. Having known Stephen for so long, all of us at INM can scarcely believe the news. He will bring a strong… Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

• Britannia, Sky Atlantic; 9pm – Historical drama set at the time of the Roman invasion of Britain. Fearsome warriors and sworn rivals Arlene and Theresa unite to defend the realm from the multicultural hordes of mainland Europe. Pure fantasy. • Derry Girls, Channel 4; 8pm – Sitcom series in which RTÉ producers become increasingly… Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

Best Neck like a Jockey’s B*llocks: Martin O’Neill for Talking to Stoke; Simon Harris for The Trolleys Most Tragic Effort to Justify High Wages: Ray D’Arcy for Saturday Nights; John Delaney for Escape to Defeat Most Determined Attention Seeker: Leo Varadkar for Spinning; MP Barry McElduff for Bread Basket Case Outstanding Contribution to Inconsequential Knowledge:… Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

TRANSPORT Minister Shane Ross says he plans to replace the red and green hues at traffic lights “to avoid confusion and people choosing the wrong option”. The Independent Alliance politician says: “Red and green are far too similar and can easily confuse even the most enlightened and attentive driver, such as myself. “Even a sober-minded… Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

by Our Sports Staff – Shania Law THERE were angry scenes outside Portmarnock Golf Club last night as a small group of Saudi women gathered to demonstrate against the continuing ban on women members. “Back home in Jeddah, women like me are, as of last week, allowed to openly drive our gold-plated cars to the… Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

THE country is bracing itself for a fresh onslaught of Met Éireann warnings after one of its meteorologists last night felt a gust of wind on his way home. The forecaster immediately issued a full-scale national weather alert that was expected to produced plenty of hot air on the front of national newspapers. “I felt… Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Emmet Baloney MARTIN O’NEILL has angrily dismissed claims he is in talks to manage the Republic of Ireland football team. Taking a break from a round of negotiations with yet another bottom-half Premiership club, O’Neill strongly denied rumours linking him to the Irish job. “The Irish job if it came up would be tempting,”… Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: The Kids Are Alright Favourite song: Millennium, Robbie Williams Favourite TV show: Growing Old Disgracefully Favourite food: Curry Favour Favourite body part: Hip Favourite genre: Tragic Favourite game: Jenna Marbles Favourite smell: Desperation Favourite furniture: Antiquated Favourite alcohol: Aged

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

A TRAUMATISED bystander today described the bizarre scene he witnessed at the Regency Hotel in Stoke. Enrique Sánchez Flores from Spain was waiting in the hotel lobby to attend a job interview when two people suddenly rushed in. “One was dressed as on old man. He was wearing a flat cap and had a beard…. Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

Desperately ill elderly man having arrived by trolley. Homeless single mother of four saying a prayer Dejected Irish soccer supporter Mayo supporter who doesn’t believe in God Banker seizing possession of three chairs British Remain voter hoping he can stay Ruthless landlord kicking five people out

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

PRIME Minister Viktor Orbán is facing mounting criticism from opposition benches for meeting Ireland’s controversial leader, Leo Varadkar. Hungary’s Labour Party leader has called for an immediate explanation as to why an official visit by Mr Varadkar to Budapest was not revealed until the day before it took place.  “This furtive meeting represents an implicit endorsement of… Read more »

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

The country’s health service was plunged into crisis again last night when new figures were released showing that, in the majority of Ireland’s hospitals, hundreds of trolleys were still queuing up to be admitted to corridors. “It’s an absolute disgrace,” said one frustrated trolley outside St. James’s Hospital in Dublin. “I’ve been waiting for three… Read more »

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

by Anne T. Biotic UFC champ Conor McGregor has called on Aussie flu bug H3N2 to “come out from behind the hankie” for a rematch, following the pair’s dramatic Christmas bout. The bearded battler insists the bug “just got lucky” during December’s battle on his home turf. The shock outcome left the motor-mouth Dubliner floored… Read more »

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

I plan to launch a new make-up range for ladies and gents. It has shadow for concealing warts, cleanser for eliminating blemishes and a state-of-the art razor to make everything look smooth. It only goes skin deep but makes everything look good on the face of it! It’s free for only €5m. And the homeless… Read more »

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

This time of year we can feel bloated and lethargic having over indulged during the holiday season. With this in mind Goldhawk asked some famous faces about their detox plans for January. Rosanna Davison  I take my health very seriously so I was shocked when my doctor informed me I was at risk of developing diabetes…. Read more »