July 12, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Dee Pressing THERE WAS consternation last weekend after former Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern, reiterated his pledge not to run for president against incumbent Michael Twee Higgins. “I’m devastated,” said a barber in Limerick. “My entire family was looking forward to letting him know that we would never forget him and his time as Taoiseach. Now… Read more »

June 28, 2018 Craic & Codology

AS THE black and white décor had accurately forewarned, a colourless experience lay ahead – but we could never have known how utterly bland this serving of monochrome mediocrity would prove to be. Choosing from an insipid menu, we started with something called a “Fintan”. Peppered with tri-syllabic affectation and dipped in alphabet soup, we… Read more »

June 28, 2018 Craic & Codology

Drumm Beat: ONCE considered a “banker” by punters before betraying their faith with a shocking display under a free rein in the Meltdown Banking Handicap. No luck Stateside since then when collared by Boston Marshall before having a stop put to his gallop completely by Judge Karen back on home soil. Expensive to follow. Dodgy… Read more »

June 28, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Al Catraz FORMER Anglo-Irish Bank chief executive David Drumm has slammed the government for facilitating “a wanton waste of talent” following his first week in jail for industrial-scale fraud. In a memo smuggled out of Mountjoy in someone’s arse yesterday the convicted fraudster says he is “fitting in fine” in his new surroundings but… Read more »

June 28, 2018 Craic & Codology

Love Ireland: TV3 – 8pm A group of politicians living in isolation from the outside world in a villa called Leinster House and constantly under media surveillance. To survive in the villa two political parties must couple up with one another to form a ‘government’ whether it be by a lust for power, a merc,… Read more »

June 28, 2018 Craic & Codology

Spoiler: Leo finally apologises to Micheál after being slammed by new boy Eoghan LEO VARADKAR’S behaviour has shocked viewers and TDs as he callously smiled at Brendan Howlin while Micheál cried in front of him. The playboy turned his head for three party leaders in two weeks, and Micheál was left crying as he tried… Read more »

June 27, 2018 Craic & Codology

The Ambassador of the United States to Ireland cordially invites you to attend the biggest, vastest, most funly July 4th celebration EVER at his residence in the Phoenix Park. This year the emphasis is very much on family fun — though maybe not all together in the same place So feel free to bring the… Read more »

June 27, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Maya Culpa THERE WERE growing calls last night for the former government to issue a State apology to members of the Labour Party community. The call for a gesture of compassion comes just days after Taoiseach Leo Varadkar issued an apology to gay people in Ireland who had suffered for being who they were… Read more »

June 27, 2018 Craic & Codology

10am: Land in Dublin. 10.30am: Stand smiling beside Leo while he still struggles with a hurl, as is tradition. 11.00am: Go to Croke Park to learn about the GAA and its historically mixed feeling towards your family. 12.00pm: Lunch in the Cat and Cage Pub in Drumcondra. 1.30pm: Go to Bus Áras to meet travelling… Read more »

June 27, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Max Culpa TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar has refused point blank to apologise for the number of apologies he has presided over in the Dáil, leaving some members of the opposition apologetic with rage (surely “apoplectic”? – Ed) In fact, he has just announced that the government is to introduce a novel scheme whereby every voter… Read more »

June 14, 2018 Craic & Codology

REPUBLIC OF IRELAND supporters are being urged to support Mexico at this year’s World Cup. Chairman of the Green Jersey Brigade David Drumm made the plea to get behind El Tricolor at this summer’s tournament. Drummer said the North American nation represented everything that is good about the beautiful game. “Watching them during their qualifying… Read more »

June 14, 2018 Craic & Codology

No nuclear attacks before the end of Miss Universe competition  KFC to open restaurant in Pyongyang presidential palace  Stormy Daniels to be given an all expenses paid holiday to North Korea  United States to reduce sales tax on uranium  Donald Trump’s face to be carved on Mount Rushmore  Kim Jong-un to get a presidential pardon

June 14, 2018 Craic & Codology

TRANSPORT Minister Shane Ross has revealed plans to replace top-of-the-range cars provided to Ministers with rickshaws. “It would have been unfair on taxpayers if we were to saddle them with the cost of scrapping the rickshaws so I have decided to use them to replace ministerial Mercs as soon as the Mercs come to the… Read more »

June 14, 2018 Craic & Codology

Your chance to choose a new national anthem more in keeping with the demands of a modern country and of its greatest public intellectual. Vote early and often. The Harp that Once Through Tara Street The harp that once through Tara Street The soul of music shed Now hangs as mute on Tara’s walls As… Read more »

June 14, 2018 Craic & Codology

Breakfast: Porridge, smell the coffee, egg-on-face, toast. Dinner: Meat: In a stew, porky pies, tripe; Fishy: Load of cod, shark Veg: Hot potatoes, leeks, beetrootful, tough tomatoes Herbs: Doing thyme, cost a mint Dessert: Fruit: pear-shaped, gone bananas, cashew nuts, date with the judge. All food must be consumed by cell-by date

June 14, 2018 Craic & Codology

A NUMBER of well-known politicians have been caught up in the adoption scandal. “Due to incorrect registration taking place, these politicians joined a different political ‘family’ than they intended,” said Minister for Children, Katherine Chapperone. Some of these unfortunate TDs may have no idea how they adopted policies and parties that they now regret. Many… Read more »

June 14, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Moss Cow RUSSIAN President Vladimir Putin has revealed his “immense disappointment” that Ireland failed to qualify for his nation’s World Cup. “I had been very much looking forward to meeting Comrade John Delaney at the games,” said the former KGB agent. “I have long admired John and hoped to learn more about his immense… Read more »

June 14, 2018 Craic & Codology

IN RECENT times we may have given the impression that the Irish rugby team was on the brink of unprecedented glory. Headlines such as Schmidt’s Superheroes, Our Invincible Idols and Rucking Unbeatable! could have suggested the men in green were on the precipice of an era of brilliance. After their defeat to Australia in the… Read more »

June 14, 2018 Craic & Codology

Britain’s Foreign Secretary tells it like it isn’t CRIPES! And extra cripes! Talk about a bombshell! Madam May has only gone and sanctioned the dreaded Heathrow extension. And guess what? Poor old Bojo’s constituency is directly under the bally flightpath. Mind you, with the current PM making such a mess of Brexit, we need to… Read more »

June 14, 2018 Craic & Codology

• Lords and Ladles – RTÉ One: Sunday, 6.30pm Join celebrity chef Boris Johnson as he serves up the same tired old tripe from yesteryear to some very sceptical Irish and European diners.   • Raised by the Village – RTÉ One: Monday,  6.30pm Bratty manchild Leo is packed off to the Orange Order museum in… Read more »

June 14, 2018 Craic & Codology

18: Eamon Dunphy meltdowns… on the first day 81: Percentage of available Irish audience watching the BBC coverage 101: George Hamilton mixed metaphors 9000: Times RTÉ panel will say you can never write off the Germans 1.2 million: Disgruntled GAA fans complaining about the Sunday Game getting pushed down the schedule

June 14, 2018 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Gone Baby Gone Favourite TV show: Lost Favourite song: Missing, Everything But The Girl Favourite game: Hide and seek Favourite rapper: M.I.A. Favourite destination: Split Favourite exercise: Cut and run Favourite insect: Flea Favourite detergent: Vanish Favourite food: Dessert

June 14, 2018 Craic & Codology

The DUP has unveiled some new policies to attract and retain its (apparently) new-found nationalist/republican voters: Fish in Lough Foyle can identify as British or Irish Gregory Campbell to acknowledge earth is no longer flat DUP to lift ban on use of pot pourri in its offices Sammy Wilson to start eating basmati rice Londonderry… Read more »

June 14, 2018 Craic & Codology

Maths: A) If three people ring Joe Duffy to complain about the HSE on Tuesday, how many are most likely to follow up with similar complaints on Wednesday? B) Taking 10% for buying fruit and 5% for vegetables, how many cans of extra strong lager can you get for the change from a €50 note… Read more »

June 14, 2018 Craic & Codology

Manager May’s side will again be reliant on Foster to keep them in the game by staying onside and sticking to the game plan no matter how desperate things get. Meanwhile expect another half dozen “backstoppers” lining up in a token effort to shore up the rearguard and prevent anyone sneaking in behind. Tactics bordering… Read more »

May 31, 2018 Craic & Codology

JUBILATION: Scenes of unalloyed joy in Dublin last weekend as the General Data Protection Rules were implemented By Fintan Tool AS THE fallout continues from last week’s historic events campaigners from both sides of the debate have urged the public to remain calm. On Saturday May 26, people awoke to find themselves in a land… Read more »

May 31, 2018 Craic & Codology

IN RECENT days, readers may have been given the erroneous impression that we somehow believed the referendum to repeal the 8th would be a close-run thing and that the No side led by gorgeous pouting celebrities such as Maria Steen, Theresa Lowe and Declan Ganley were closing the gap at an accelerated rate. Headlines such… Read more »

May 31, 2018 Craic & Codology

Stressed, Wednesday, 9.35pm – Ray D’Arcy’s stress levels go through the roof when his chat show is moved into the graveyard shift. To make matters worse, a smutty man dressed as a woman fills his slot. Bloom Live, Thursday, 8.30pm – Join Ireland’s finest muckrakers as they converge on Dublin Castle to explain how certain… Read more »

May 31, 2018 Craic & Codology

A Q&A with the Office of the Data Protection Commissioner Q) About 25 years ago I was obliged to leave my job with immediate effect to take up a similar post 200 miles away. This pattern has continued every few years. Can I now compel my boss to destroy any data he has on my… Read more »

May 31, 2018 Craic & Codology

AT the IFTA Awards held in Dublin last night, the illustrious IFTA Award for The Longest and Most Boring Award Ceremony went once again to the IFTA Television Awards. A star-studded host of celebrities in Dublin’s Mansion House watched as RTÉ’s Amy Huberman presented herself with the prestigious Seems Like A Lifetime Award. Other Awards… Read more »

May 31, 2018 Craic & Codology

Humble greetings from your liberal-style modernist Supreme Pontiff in papal HQ. Spring has sprung and Vatican-style love is in the air. But what sadness to see those sexsational Irish Times reports about those young seminarian students. How could they not know about the nightmare of finding accommodation in Rome? I’ve heard the Irish Times has… Read more »

May 31, 2018 Craic & Codology

These are the shocking findings from RTÉ’s two-part series Stressed: Stress Levels: An alarming 78% of respondents experienced a severe rise in stress levels whenever Bertie Ahern mentioned the presidency, compared to only 76% on hearing Miriam O’Callaghan do so. Sleep Quality: A staggering 98% suffered sleep loss when given an assurance by the HSE… Read more »

May 31, 2018 Craic & Codology

TO THE general public Martin Callinan (played by Tom Selleck’s moustache) was just another typically busy leader – married, respectable and a dedicated public servant. But this intriguing BBC programme reveals the realities, the rumours and the sometimes farcical fantasies in Martin’s everyday life. Intriguingly we learn how much this high profile public servant regularly… Read more »