March 22, 2018 Craic & Codology

0: The level of interest since Marty Morrissey was eliminated  17: Teeth whitening kits used per show by Nicky Byrne 300: Bitchy comments from Brian Redmond  50/50: Chance that Martin O’Neill and Roy Keane will take part in next year’s series  10,000,000 to 1: Odds of Amanda Byram ever going back to Ireland AM  15:… Read more »

March 22, 2018 Craic & Codology

THERE were fears for the future of Independent News and Media last night amid indications that kind-hearted entrepreneur shareholder Denis O’Brien was curtailing his support for charitable projects. The compassionate Corkonian is known the world over for his unfettered benevolence towards the world’s more unfortunate cases, with Haiti relief, the FAI, INM and Fine Gael… Read more »

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Jack Frost THE BEAST from the East remained in typically foul mood last night as it conducted an uncomfortable interview with RTÉ reporter Tony O’Donoghue following its whirlwind visit to Ireland. Weather watchers were left squirming in their seats as the contrary weather pattern adhered to the recent pattern of other foul climate exponents… Read more »

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

Inuit people have over 50 words for snow but only one word for George Lee Temperatures dropped to Nigel Dodds levels of bitterness Putting Liveline on television is the only appropriate action during a national crisis Snow has a tendency to cause breathlessness in journalists An act of God is defined as something that stops… Read more »

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

Six Nations: Ireland vs Scotland, TV3 2PM: All the action from Ireland’s penultimate Six Nations clash.What key player will get injured, which rugby journalist will be banned and how many technical difficulties will TV3 have this week?

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

Downpour Leo – typical twister behaviour with rapidly spinning hot air Hailstone Harris – endless, deepening depression bringing cold comfort to everyone and worsening conditions everywhere Howling Howlin – extended gusts of wind ideally suited to flying a kite Shower of Healy-Rae’s – localised floods of tears for south Kerry, spreading to Dublin and accompanied… Read more »

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

YES He’s very good at promoting the country It will keep him occupied Time is still on his side Just loves being in the limelight Has proved himself and got a new standing now Communicates in several foreign languages NO He’s far too good at promoting himself. And he won’t have time to write any… Read more »

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

Britain’s Foreign Secretary tells it like it isn’t TREBLE CRIPES! Everyone is suddenly going around saying that yours truly isn’t on the ball re this Irish border Brexit ballyhoo. Well, hang on there, all Old Bozza did was pour a drop of proverbial oil on this awful piffle about crossing the wooden bridge between Belfast… Read more »

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

1. Nigel Farage International Airport 2. Theresa May stranded on roundabout 3. Tedious border guard (Gregory Campbell) 4. Jacob Rees-Mogg deporting Remainiacs 5. Fireworks stall run by Sammy Wilson 6. Police state patrolled by Eurosceptics 7. Customs (playing orange card etc) 8. Permanent DUP road block

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

1. 65 gardaí protecting scuba diving equipment 2. Evelyn Cusack drinking gallon of Red Bull 3. Regina Doherty doing U-turns 4. Jim Daly burning bread to keep warm 5. Noel Rock tweeting from the pub

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar has pledged that no part of the coastline will be flooded as a result of global warming with the help of a €500m Climate Action Fund. Speaking to reporters (“advertorial writers”, surely – Ed) last night, Mr Varadkar announced that the government had developed a unique fail-safe strategy to combat any likely… Read more »

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

Fionnan Sheahan This is a marvellous initiative that should have hugely positive economic results for the country’s newspapers. It should also maximise productivity in the Strategic Communications Unit who’ve been working overtime trying to pull the wool over people’s eyes. Mediaforce Boss This was a wonderfully innovative, cross-platform media strategy that should penetrate the digital… Read more »

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

His Royal Highness, King of the Midlands Boxer Moran has issued the following royal decrees: Golden Island shopping centre to be the new location of royal court  Shane Ross to be awarded Earldom of Stepaside  Robert Troy to be exiled to Troy  The Shannon waters to be turned back from Dublin  Willie Penrose to be… Read more »

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

Note to Editor: Can you put this near the sports section where people can’t miss it and make sure the advertorial bit is not in bold lettering? Sustainability (keeping up the spin) Water Management: As Minister Creed has noted (pages 391-8) Ireland’s special relationship with water dates from the beginning of time. Under Leo 2040,… Read more »

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

ULTRA-HUMBLE greetings from your supreme pontiff. Yes, it’s my busy time here at Vatican HQ, issuing proclamations, kissing babies, arranging exorcisms – and then the whole Easter programme just around the corner. Sometimes I ask myself: Am I the only good selfless person left on the entire planet? Not to mention going on the road… Read more »

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Phil T Lucre & Gary Owen THE world of rugby was left stunned and saddened today after Leinster and Ireland businessman Jamie Heaslip announced his immediate retirement from the game. Heaslip had earned the respect and admiration of fans everywhere for his closing of deals and determined driving of bargains (Surely closing down and… Read more »

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

US PRESIDENT Donald Trump has expressed his excitement at finally getting a chance to meet Leo Varadkar face to face on St Patrick’s Day. Speaking to reporters from the Russian embassy Mr Trump emphasised the similarities between himself and the Fine Gael leader. “Tremendous guy. I hear he had a lot of trouble with some broad… Read more »

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Dessie Mated FRIENDS AND colleagues lavished praise on RTÉ head of sport Ryle Nugent yesterday as the Ballyfermot man bids farewell to his post after eight years in the top job. The move comes amid a severe shrinkage in RTÉ’s sports portfolio, with only the Tony O’Donoghue versus Martin O’Neill jousting contests guaranteed to… Read more »

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

By May Dupp TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar says he is “fully confident” there will be enough milk and honey to meet the requirements of every tap in Ireland as contained in the government’s Project Ireland 2040 document. Sceptics have expressed doubt that the measure was achievable but the Fine Gael leader yesterday laughed off the doubters…. Read more »

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

• Inexperienced ministers must be accompanied by fully qualified public relations expert at all times • Crackdown on useless spare wheels (Independent Alliance) • Shane Ross to be allowed drive royal carriage in bus lanes • Ministers to lose cars if they spend too much time on hobby horses • Ask Mattie McGrath to get… Read more »

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

Martin O’Neillbeforeme Yes, of course I will give up something. Or at least get close to giving up something. That’s not to say I will follow the giving-up process to its conclusion. Sometimes I like to nearly, nearly, nearly give up something before changing my mind and not giving it up at all! That’s perfectly… Read more »

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

Britain’s Foreign Secretary updates readers on the Brexit talks HOORAH! Yes. It’s time to focus hearts and minds on all things Brexit. And what better way to kick off than with good old Bozza’s cracking speecheroo last week spelling out a few basic home truths to send the wind up all these Euro Johnnies who… Read more »

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Noah Notice IRISH Times editor Paul O’Neill has denied “losing the newsroom” after a plethora of hacks ignored his plea for objectivity when filing reports on the Eighth Amendment referendum. Laughing at “the very thought”, the floppy-haired hack asked, “would I be making tea for Una and Kitty right now if there was a… Read more »

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

Fintan Tool IT’S HARD to believe that just two years ago, I was busy churning out erudite and thought-provoking 2,000-word pieces about Brexit – or should that be Brexile? My discourse focused primarily on Ireland’s volatile prospects vis-à-vis our relationship with the UK following the inevitable onslaught of the new political order. With such a… Read more »

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Our Property Staff, Phil Space JUST A short distance off the Donegal coast, the picturesque island is perfect for commuting to Dublin. Árainn Mhór is without question one of the best value neighbourhoods in the greater Dublin area. The remote island location offers prices that are affordable to most first-time buyers and is well… Read more »

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

Functioning health service postponed until 3040 Mick Wallace to have haircut by 2025 At least one million more Vlad press conferences over next decade Disclosures Tribunal to issue interim report in 2035 / lawyers’ fees to be calculated by same date Martin O’Neill to uncover creative midfield player over next 20 years Mayo to win… Read more »

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

ON BEHALF of the media we wish to apologise to the general public for creating the impression that a deal to restore power-sharing at Stormont was imminent. Headlines such as “deal nearly done” and “restoration close at hand” may have inadvertently created the impression that an executive would return in the next few weeks. This… Read more »

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

• Room to Improve – RTÉ 2, 9pm: Architect Dermot Bannon shows the public just how easy it is to build houses. The construction work is carried out despite vehement opposition from the Fine Gael/Fianna Fáil cowboys.

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

Listen guys it moves me to accept this awaaawrd; it really, really moves me. I mean that sincerely. I wouldn’t say it moves me if it didn’t move me. But this awaaard isn’t really about me. It’s about Ireland and a past betraaayed by the treacherous deeds of friend and foe alike. It’s about Famine,… Read more »

February 21, 2018 Craic & Codology

In Other Events: Ice Hockey Michael Healy-Rae got off to a really great start attacking Mark MacSharry in the first round. Curling Sports Minister Shane Ross’s ice bowl got stuck in a pot hole. Gardaí from Stepaside were flown out on the government jet to try to get it out. Nordic Combined Sinn Féin’s chairman… Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

THE Government has come under fire for saying it is unable to legislate for Simon Coveney. “It’s out of my hands, Simon is a law unto himself,” commented Vlad Varadkar during his hourly press conference. “How people want to do deals with him is a matter of conscience.” The Tánaiste recently hit the headlines after… Read more »

February 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

by Our Referendum Staff Harry McGoo CAMPAIGNERS on both sides of the abortion debate are bracing themselves for a hard battle over the coming months in the run-up to the contentious Appeal of the Eighth Amendment Referendum in May. However, it emerged last night that a huge percentage of Irish people are still undecided about… Read more »