August 23, 2018 Craic & Codology

By our arts and entertainment correspondent – Donal Lynch-Mobbe The several people who admitted to watching his new tv show — Brendan O’Connor’s Time Up — have said that after watching it, they just wanted to curl up into a ball and die. Commenting on viewer feedback O’Connor said: “Well, the guests are totally in… Read more »

August 23, 2018 Craic & Codology

The Vatican has announced that the following people will be canonised by Pope Francis during his visit to Ireland: Norah Casey The saintly Norah will be recognised for her tireless work on behalf of the coping classes and her miraculous ability to generate buckets of publicity out of thin air. Mary McAleese The former president… Read more »

August 23, 2018 Craic & Codology

Fellow Irish devotees, saintly greetings to my countless religious fans. Yes, it’s Francis here – literally – for more sold-out stadium gigs with his legendary “jolliness”. As always, I come in complete humility as the infallible leader of the world’s 1.3 billion faithful. So who’s your spiritual daddy, eh? Pontiff festive fever is everywhere. Commemorative… Read more »

August 23, 2018 Craic & Codology

Fresh from the news that Gerry Adams is to publish a cook book, Michael Lowry has announced that he has just signed a two-book deal with Revenue Publishing. His first book, How my books were cooked, has already been published and will shortly be followed by a second –  How My Goose is Cooked –… Read more »

August 23, 2018 Craic & Codology

1 Stretch Skoda – Pope Francis, President-for-Life Michael Twee, entire Cabinet 2 Prison Van – Mary McAleese, Ms Panti Bliss, “Say Nope To The Pope” protesters, etc 3 Mobile Mortuary – Mr B Howlin and small band of Labour TDs 4 Pop-Up PR Media Bandwagon – Conor Pope, Maeve Sheen, assorted born-again religious hacks, etc…. Read more »

August 23, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Dee Lete MINISTER for Culture Josepha Madigan has again called for the immediate regulation of social media, amidst growing alarm over people criticising or slagging off politicians (Surely denigrating free speech? – Ed) Minister Mad Again says her warning has “nothing to do” with the fact that social media users constantly bring up her… Read more »

August 23, 2018 Craic & Codology

83% – increase in sales of Buckfast and Pot Noodle during month of September 2000% – rise in applications for fake IDs 92% – surge in angry listeners contacting Joe Duffy about drunk young people 68% – drop in students taking phone calls from their parents during academic year 55% – decrease in those eating… Read more »

August 23, 2018 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: The Invention of Lying  Favourite song: Poison, Alice Cooper  Favourite TV show: The Big C Favourite band: The Killers  Favourite food: Whopper  Favourite river: The Nile  Favourite game: Double-dealing  Favourite colour: Whitewash  Favourite exercise: Spin  Favourite snack: Just deserts  That new Garda HQ

August 23, 2018 Craic & Codology

By social affairs correspondent Goldie Fawn A spokesperson for the Pontiff has refuted suggestions that Pope Francis will meet Nora Casey, Ireland’s most photographed woman. Casey who has regularly— if not exactly relevantly — appeared on our TV screens and whose picture has appeared more often than any other woman in (her own) magazines has… Read more »

August 9, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Dee Pressed THOUSANDS of angry Ryanair passengers expressed fury at the airline’s desks around the world yesterday, after their flights were not cancelled. The passengers took off on schedule and arrived exactly on time at airport within a day of where they wanted to go. Said one fuming passenger in Switzerland, “It was appalling!… Read more »

August 9, 2018 Craic & Codology

As the Irish presidential race gathers more hopefuls, seven more totally serious candidates have entered the picture: 1. June Rodgers – Panto Queen 2. Twink – Panto Queen 3. Gavin Lambe-Murphy – Remember him? 4. “Mattress Mick” Flynn – Sleep-solution magnate 5. Dr Eva Orsmond – OK, she’s from Finland but why not? 6. Richie… Read more »

August 9, 2018 Craic & Codology

Animal-lovers throughout the country have welcomed the arrival of an August silly season story at Dublin Zoo. There was immediate speculation last night that the traditional holiday story might possibly have escaped from a nearby media circus. Some local residents in the vicinity of the Phoenix Park expressed concern about the safety of their families,… Read more »

August 9, 2018 Craic & Codology

Favourite Film: Ruthless People  Favourite Song: Our House – Madness  Favourite TV Show: Decimate  Favourite Sport: Boxing clever  Favourite Band: Lone Star  Favourite Animal: Vulture  Favourite Food: Dough  Favourite Exercise: Kicking out  Favourite Magazine: Hustler  Favourite Instrument: Doldrums

August 9, 2018 Craic & Codology

The world of football punditry has been rocked to its foundations by the news that the author of such seminal works as ‘Matt Busby, Baby,’ and ‘Keen’ has finally retired from RTÉ. “I always agreed with whatever Gilesy said so, when John left RTÉ, I had nothing of my own to contribute,” he admitted before… Read more »

August 9, 2018 Craic & Codology

• Time Out with Brendan O’Connor: RTÉ One, 9.35PM Yes, RTÉ have given Brenny Hill another programme! The Corkman interviews luminaries such as  Majella O’Donnell and Michael Harding. Who knows? Maybe even Bertie will show up!

August 9, 2018 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Staff Martin Wail ARE you terrified? You should be. The latest Brexit negotiations have been marked by a wave of scare-mongering media reports about the catastrophic prospects of a No-Deal exit from the EU. These dramatic stories have been spreading far and wide into all corners of the national media. Editors are… Read more »

August 9, 2018 Craic & Codology

Saturday: 10.00: Received at Dublin airport by Taoiseach Leo Varadkar. Brace for sock-related photo op. 10.01: Vow never to fly Ryanair again. 10.35: Get cornered by Marty Morrissey and promise to pray for RTÉ. 11.00: Take phone call from Blessed Bono and receive blessing followed by advice on how to address world hunger, war, discrimination,… Read more »

August 9, 2018 Craic & Codology

Two women and a branded umbrella were called in before the Joint Oireachtas Committee on Communications regarding the content moderation policy of violent and harmful content on Facebook. The women were there to answer questions. The umbrella was there for cover. The Marker Hotel announced that were very happy with the coverage that the umbrella… Read more »

August 9, 2018 Craic & Codology

Kitt | verb • To saturate the front pages of newspapers with ridiculous filler stories. E.g. “Who do they think all those lazy hacks are kitting with that awful filler rubbish about some musician complaining that Dublin rents are too high?” Duff | adjective • Irish slang expression to describe someone who affects manners and… Read more »

August 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

FAI chief John Delaney is reported to have contacted the GAA to request the use of Semple Stadium in Thurles for another soccer benefit match. “This time the game will be between Bray Wanderers and Limerick” said Delaney. “As you know, both sets of players went a while there without getting paid. In a way,… Read more »

July 26, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Pól Corr SINN FÉIN has called on Micheál Martin to drop his controversial policy of abstentionism. The Cork South-Central TD has come in for considerable criticism following his decision to abstain from this year’s presidential election. This follows on from Fianna Fáil’s continued boycott of the European Parliament, failure to contest elections north of… Read more »

July 26, 2018 Craic & Codology

Eoghan Murphy It’s the Sahara Desert for me! Everyone knows how much I love wide open spaces. My colleagues often remark how I encourage people to look up and see the wonder of the moon and stars without the impediment of a roof over their heads. Magic! Micheál Martin I’m actually going to stay in… Read more »

July 26, 2018 Craic & Codology

1. New Brexit Secretary to continue sending EU officials into deep sleep 2. Gove to stab Boris in the back again before he causes more trouble 3. Insist that warring Tory factions are really best friends 4. And that the Irish Border fiasco will be a great success 5. Hint at another billion for Mrs… Read more »

July 26, 2018 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Total Recall Favourite song: Holiday, Madonna Favourite TV show: Getaways Favourite detective: Columbo Favourite animal: Tamil Tigers Favourite exercise: Kickbacks Favourite food: Gravy Favourite magazine: The Advocate Favourite hobby: Alms taking Favourite colour: Red-handed

July 26, 2018 Craic & Codology

Company: Ryanair again Aircraft: Airplane Date: Friday 13th (Wouldn’t you just know it!) What was it this time?: Emergency landing, passengers petrified. Oddly, nothing to do with pissed customers, pilots on strike, stranded passengers, etc… Summary of investigation: Investigators believe a multitude of factors contributed to the situation, most notably high pressure in the cabin… Read more »

July 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Jay C. Bee IN THEIR latest astounding discovery, archaeologists excavating at Newgrange, Co Meath, have dug up three more candidates for the Irish presidency. The finds were made when excavators “plumbed the very depths”, according to leading archaeologist, Professor Luis Stones. “They are unique, pre-historic fossils that have possibly become un-henged over time,” says… Read more »

July 12, 2018 Craic & Codology

TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar has defended the government’s modus operandi as it continues to seek support for an Irish seat at the UN Security Council. The campaign began with invitations issued to every ambassador in the world to attend a U2 concert in New York amid reports that further face-to-face meetings with Bono were already being… Read more »

July 12, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Shane Longball REPUBLIC OF IRELAND boss Martin O’Neill’s plans to “fail better” are going swimmingly, according to the man himself. O’Neill took over from Giovanni Trapattoni after the failure to qualify for the Brazil World Cup but has continued the old Irish tradition of throwing away early leads, forgetting to defend as a unit,… Read more »

July 12, 2018 Craic & Codology

Whatever the outcome,  I always celebrate with Vin de Cated says Michael Lowry about his favourite whine: A cheeky little number (15,000) with just the merest hint of sour Garuda grapes. JULY 12TH SPECIAL!

July 12, 2018 Craic & Codology

THE PUBLIC has been warned that the drought in non weather-related stories is expected to continue. The warm climate has led to an upsurge of coverage on sunshine to the detriment of other areas and many media outlets believe this dry spell will continue until August at least. Met experts said that hot air and… Read more »

July 12, 2018 Craic & Codology

AND THERE was living in those times a woman of culture and great piety named Josepha who was known for her radiant smile and angelic voice. This pious lady entered the Leinster House cloisters where she took a vow of celebrity, smiting lowly travellers and opposing liberal ways. Along her journey, she saw the light… Read more »

July 12, 2018 Craic & Codology

JOAN BURTON has confirmed the following items were stolen from her house recently: 500 Gilmore for Taoiseach posters 1,200 Frankfurt’s Way or Labour’s Way t-shirts Copy of the Communist Manifesto (unread) Spare wheel for ministerial car Thank You cards from Fine Gael Voodoo doll of Mary Lou McDonald Map of Jobstown

July 12, 2018 Craic & Codology

SEARCH TEAMS say it could be years before they are able to rescue Theresa May and her cabinet from the massive pothole they are trapped in. The British Prime Minister and her colleagues marched straight into a maze of confusion following their decision to get out of Europe and all attempts to coax them back… Read more »