October 4, 2018 Craic & Codology

An occasional series in which resident Doctor Leo answers readers’ concerns Dear doctor, During a routine examination it was discovered that I have been sitting on a rather large lump sum for several years. I should have kept an eye on it as there is no accounting for why it is there or even whether… Read more »

October 4, 2018 Craic & Codology

Theresa May has to go  Tell Johnny Foreigner to go whistle  Adopt Canadian model… phwoar!  Is Putin really that bad? The sun never set on the British Empire  (because the blood never dried)  Does anyone have Jacinda Ardern’s number?

October 4, 2018 Craic & Codology

And lo at that time there came amongst the people a bestubbled man known as Blessed Paddy of Cosgrave who didth vow to save their streets and put roofs over their heads. And there was great joy and much dancing and clapping of hands amongst the poor and the homeless for all knew he promised… Read more »

October 4, 2018 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Eurotrip  Favourite song: Taxman, The Beatles  Favourite TV show: Home and Away  Favourite GAA team: The Exiles  Favourite herb: Basel  Favourite cheese: Swiss  Favourite chocolate: Toblerone  Favourite accessory: Deep pockets  Favourite exercise: Splash the cash

October 4, 2018 Craic & Codology

FOSTER verb. (From the Ulster Scots.) To promote or look after oneself at all costs as an absolute priority. E.g. “Arlene did everything in her power to foster her own interests at the RHI Inquiry.” SPAV noun.  A wide boy, Jack-the-lad. Slick operator who makes a living from underhand activity that benefits his relations. E.g…. Read more »

October 4, 2018 Craic & Codology

Gorgeous, sassy Jemima Madrigal, the country’s stunningly beautiful culture minister, positioned herself pertly as the sleek, top-of-the-range Lexus made its way along the leafy suburbs of Cosgrave Avenue. Glancing briefly at the temporary halting site, she grimaced, wondering why such unkempt scenes were necessary at a time when Ireland’s economy was booming. A tiny translucent… Read more »

October 4, 2018 Craic & Codology

A LITTLE ALP FROM HIS FRIENDS: Supporters of the Swiss resident are known to frequently blow his trumpet Gaelic games supporters across Ireland were last night urging GAA President John Horan to issue a formal thank you to the Swiss tax authorities after a donation of €100,000 was made by a Swiss resident to every… Read more »

October 4, 2018 Craic & Codology

Technology: 12,000 new pencil sharpeners to be purchased Diversity: Doesn’t always have to be salt, vinegar and ketchup on the snack box Traffic: Always allow room for a pushchair between the squad car and the wall when parked on the kerb Listening to victims: Be sure to take careful note of what he remembers if… Read more »

October 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Dee Nied Gardaí say they were “shocked and alarmed” at the efforts of a lone female who tried unsuccessfully to get into the president’s office at Áras an Uachtaráin. Observers say the woman – known as ‘Gemma’ – seemed “very, very desperate” to get into the building. “The poor thing was running about the… Read more »

October 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

Do you wish to remove the phrase, “publication or utterance of blasphemous matter” from article 40 of the Irish Constitution? YES [ ]  NO [ ] Do you wish to remove Roy Keane and prohibit him from constantly bollocking all those lazy fucking players? YES [ ]  NO [ ] Is Leo Varadkar an exceptionally… Read more »

October 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

By All Financial Hacks, There was a renewed outpouring of lengthy articles this week marking the 10th anniversary of the crash as economic experts struggled to come to terms with the fact that it was all very old news. Day after day, newspaper front pages were filled with hundreds of long-winded headlines entitled “The Crash:… Read more »

September 20, 2018 Craic & Codology

President Michael D has announced he will be making a surprise appearance on Dragons’ Den during the presidential election campaign. The president is rumoured to have a sure-fire, seven-year business idea to put to dragons Gavin Pompuss and Peter Who-he. He will say he has already trademarked the brand name Twee and has arranged temporary… Read more »

September 20, 2018 Craic & Codology

(On the instructions of Mr D O’Brien, Sleezma, Malta) 1,000s of incredible knock-down prices including: Millions of junk digital bonds (value: worthless) Millions more INM shares (value: ditto) One Leslie Buckley (seriously worn) Enormous pile of Indo articles (unread) One troubled radio station Warehouse stocked with writs, threatening letters etc Other assorted rubbish Hurry! Hurry!… Read more »

September 20, 2018 Craic & Codology

THERE was huge relief throughout the country last night at the news that US President Donald Trump has postponed his planned visit to Ireland in November. On the streets of the capital, hundreds of Dubliners opposed to the visit hugged one another, saying: “We’re just very happy that we won’t have to go out in… Read more »

September 20, 2018 Craic & Codology

Armed robbers, extortionists and terrorist groups across Ireland say they are “outraged” at landlord agents and gardaí wearing balaclavas when evicting housing activists, claiming that it is cultural appropriation. One notorious gangster holed up in Dublin’s inner city says the practice may even cost him his livelihood. “I could easily be mistaken for one of… Read more »

September 20, 2018 Craic & Codology

The Giant’s Causeway: Situated in Scotland, the most scenic of all Northern Ireland’s counties, the Causeway is the province’s most popular golf course and was constructed over 60 billion year ago by the legendary landscaping firm of Fionn, Mac and Cool. Titanic Belfast: Belfast, in the heart of County Londonderry, was the last port of… Read more »

September 20, 2018 Craic & Codology

The key objectives of the Irexit Freedom Party are as follows:  Provide lots of lengthy press releases for Frank Fitzgibbon to salivate over  Avoid becoming defunct political grouping like the Irish Parliamentary Party or Fianna Fáil  Never ever mention that Hermann is a German name  Emphasise how well the Brexit negotiations are going  Give Fungi… Read more »

September 20, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Barry Ego New parents Vogue Williams and Spencer Whatsisname are reported to be “absolutely ecstatic” following the arrival of a brand new picture spread in their lives. Much to the happy pair’s delight, the sweet little feature was talking “Hello, money!” only days after being delivered by a photographer. Said a close friend of… Read more »

September 20, 2018 Craic & Codology

Britain’s ex-foreign secretary tells it like it isn’t Multiple cripes! What absolute tosh about yours truly having blotted his marital copybook over recent months. Complete fuss about nothing – courtesy of all these gutter press reptiles filling up their pages with stories about a mystery blond bombshell, ie yours truly. I mean, having a top-notch… Read more »

September 20, 2018 Craic & Codology

Art classes: The fine art of drawing everyone’s anger and vexation; how to make a complete exhibition of yourself; painting a very disturbing picture for the future! Food & recipes: Cheesing everyone off made easy; how to make the perfect ham fist out of pigs’ ears; how to have your cake and eat it. Gardening… Read more »

September 20, 2018 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Baby Boom  Favourite song: Moneytalks, AC/DC  Favourite TV show: The Killing  Favourite band: Picture This  Favourite food: Nest eggs  Favourite animal: Cash cows  Favourite exercise: Lap of luxury  Favourite magazine: Eh, HELLO!  Favourite village: Prosperous  Favourite interest: Royalty

September 6, 2018 Craic & Codology

DONALD TRUMP has told reporters that he is looking forward to visiting Ireland in November and is “especially excited” about meeting “President” Seán Gallagher. “I really like the cut of that guy’s gib,” explained the US president. “He reminds me of a slightly younger, bald me and he has faced the same challenges I have.”… Read more »

September 6, 2018 Craic & Codology

by Paul Corr THE Labour Party descended even further into turmoil yesterday when Tipperary TD Alan Kelly lunched his weekly leadership challenge. Speaking on his local radio station Tipp FM, Mr Kelly denounced Brendan Howlin as “the worst political leader this country has ever seen”. He continued, “Brendan has served Labour selflessly for many years,… Read more »

September 6, 2018 Craic & Codology

Exclusive extracts from the most sensational political biography ever written • For years, Leo Varadkar lived with a secret shame that even his closest friends knew nothing about. Eventually, he admitted the truth amid the full glare of Ireland’s media. “I am a practising right-winger,” he confessed. “Back then, if a government minister fancied cutting… Read more »

September 6, 2018 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: The English Patient Favourite song: Blurred Lines (Robin Thicke) Favourite TV show: Tru Calling Favourite band: Queen Favourite exercise: Jumping ship Favourite hobby: Dawdling Favourite food: Cold shoulder Favourite animal: Vamoose Favourite move: Merry Dance Denis Naughten apologises

September 6, 2018 Craic & Codology

By our political correspondent M T Chambers Following the success of the drone ban and the no-fly zone during the papal visit, the Government has announced plans to extend these bans to Leinster House. “The ban on drones and the introduction of the no-fly zone were highly successful,” said a spokesperson, “to such an extent… Read more »

September 6, 2018 Craic & Codology

FOR the first time in its history, Coca-Cola has entered the hot drinks market after acquiring the Costa Coffee chain for v3.9bn. “This exciting rebrand will revolutionise Coke’s famous range of delicious health drinks,” said CEO Sam Sweetman last night. “Fizzy Coke cappuccinos are already taking the market by storm and have never been proven… Read more »

September 6, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Enda Time Optometrists and other medical experts across the globe have hailed Northern Ireland’s deadlocked executive as “a miracle of the natural world.” The accolade comes after the administration passed its 550th day of suspension. American eye expert Kat Aract noted that “to survive that long a period without blinking is without precedent anywhere… Read more »

September 6, 2018 Craic & Codology

CLOSING DOWN SALE! All items previously the property of the Great British taxpayer now on offer due to persistent EU intransigence. 1,000s of incredible knock-down prices including: • Channel Tunnel – yours for only €50! • UK factories (set of 10) – just €5 each! • Buckingham Palace – an absolute giveaway at €14.99! •… Read more »

September 6, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Tick Tock THE IRISH Government has announced that it is to gift the ‘Speaking Clock’ to the people of Northern Ireland. “There will be two versions”, according to Minister for Foreign Affairs Simon Coveney, “to be called The Orange Clock and An Clog Glas”. Depending on the date and time, callers to The Orange… Read more »

September 6, 2018 Craic & Codology

TV PRESENTER Pat Kenny has said that he is “absolutely delighted” with the latest change to his role at Virgin Media Television, formerly TV3. “Unlike all my earlier weekly shows, which dealt exclusively with current affairs, this exciting new programme will focus once a week on all the latest political issues and current affairs,” said… Read more »

September 6, 2018 Craic & Codology

by Our Retail Staff  Phil Trolley DUBLIN LOOTERS reacted angrily last night after dramatic social media footage allegedly showed crowds of shoppers inside a recently refurbished Lidl supermarket in the southwest of the city. “It’s a disgraceful situation when free-for-all shopping is openly on display,” said one local hooligan. “Hordes of people are just wandering… Read more »

September 6, 2018 Craic & Codology

SMURFIT KAPPA VENEZUELA

September 6, 2018 Craic & Codology

• The Good Fight, RTÉ Two, 9.30pm One woman’s battle with the system as she sets out to become the only face on RTÉ television and the only voice of RTÉ radio. Harrowing stuff featuring Miriam O’Callaghan and, er, no one else. • Killing Leo, RTÉ Two, 9.30pm An ambitious young politician makes his way… Read more »