June 14, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Moss Cow RUSSIAN President Vladimir Putin has revealed his “immense disappointment” that Ireland failed to qualify for his nation’s World Cup. “I had been very much looking forward to meeting Comrade John Delaney at the games,” said the former KGB agent. “I have long admired John and hoped to learn more about his immense… Read more »

June 14, 2018 Craic & Codology

IN RECENT times we may have given the impression that the Irish rugby team was on the brink of unprecedented glory. Headlines such as Schmidt’s Superheroes, Our Invincible Idols and Rucking Unbeatable! could have suggested the men in green were on the precipice of an era of brilliance. After their defeat to Australia in the… Read more »

June 14, 2018 Craic & Codology

Britain’s Foreign Secretary tells it like it isn’t CRIPES! And extra cripes! Talk about a bombshell! Madam May has only gone and sanctioned the dreaded Heathrow extension. And guess what? Poor old Bojo’s constituency is directly under the bally flightpath. Mind you, with the current PM making such a mess of Brexit, we need to… Read more »

June 14, 2018 Craic & Codology

• Lords and Ladles – RTÉ One: Sunday, 6.30pm Join celebrity chef Boris Johnson as he serves up the same tired old tripe from yesteryear to some very sceptical Irish and European diners.   • Raised by the Village – RTÉ One: Monday,  6.30pm Bratty manchild Leo is packed off to the Orange Order museum in… Read more »

June 14, 2018 Craic & Codology

18: Eamon Dunphy meltdowns… on the first day 81: Percentage of available Irish audience watching the BBC coverage 101: George Hamilton mixed metaphors 9000: Times RTÉ panel will say you can never write off the Germans 1.2 million: Disgruntled GAA fans complaining about the Sunday Game getting pushed down the schedule

June 14, 2018 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Gone Baby Gone Favourite TV show: Lost Favourite song: Missing, Everything But The Girl Favourite game: Hide and seek Favourite rapper: M.I.A. Favourite destination: Split Favourite exercise: Cut and run Favourite insect: Flea Favourite detergent: Vanish Favourite food: Dessert

June 14, 2018 Craic & Codology

The DUP has unveiled some new policies to attract and retain its (apparently) new-found nationalist/republican voters: Fish in Lough Foyle can identify as British or Irish Gregory Campbell to acknowledge earth is no longer flat DUP to lift ban on use of pot pourri in its offices Sammy Wilson to start eating basmati rice Londonderry… Read more »

June 14, 2018 Craic & Codology

Maths: A) If three people ring Joe Duffy to complain about the HSE on Tuesday, how many are most likely to follow up with similar complaints on Wednesday? B) Taking 10% for buying fruit and 5% for vegetables, how many cans of extra strong lager can you get for the change from a €50 note… Read more »

June 14, 2018 Craic & Codology

Manager May’s side will again be reliant on Foster to keep them in the game by staying onside and sticking to the game plan no matter how desperate things get. Meanwhile expect another half dozen “backstoppers” lining up in a token effort to shore up the rearguard and prevent anyone sneaking in behind. Tactics bordering… Read more »

May 31, 2018 Craic & Codology

JUBILATION: Scenes of unalloyed joy in Dublin last weekend as the General Data Protection Rules were implemented By Fintan Tool AS THE fallout continues from last week’s historic events campaigners from both sides of the debate have urged the public to remain calm. On Saturday May 26, people awoke to find themselves in a land… Read more »

May 31, 2018 Craic & Codology

A Q&A with the Office of the Data Protection Commissioner Q) About 25 years ago I was obliged to leave my job with immediate effect to take up a similar post 200 miles away. This pattern has continued every few years. Can I now compel my boss to destroy any data he has on my… Read more »

May 31, 2018 Craic & Codology

AT the IFTA Awards held in Dublin last night, the illustrious IFTA Award for The Longest and Most Boring Award Ceremony went once again to the IFTA Television Awards. A star-studded host of celebrities in Dublin’s Mansion House watched as RTÉ’s Amy Huberman presented herself with the prestigious Seems Like A Lifetime Award. Other Awards… Read more »

May 31, 2018 Craic & Codology

IN RECENT days, readers may have been given the erroneous impression that we somehow believed the referendum to repeal the 8th would be a close-run thing and that the No side led by gorgeous pouting celebrities such as Maria Steen, Theresa Lowe and Declan Ganley were closing the gap at an accelerated rate. Headlines such… Read more »

May 31, 2018 Craic & Codology

Stressed, Wednesday, 9.35pm – Ray D’Arcy’s stress levels go through the roof when his chat show is moved into the graveyard shift. To make matters worse, a smutty man dressed as a woman fills his slot. Bloom Live, Thursday, 8.30pm – Join Ireland’s finest muckrakers as they converge on Dublin Castle to explain how certain… Read more »

May 31, 2018 Craic & Codology

Humble greetings from your liberal-style modernist Supreme Pontiff in papal HQ. Spring has sprung and Vatican-style love is in the air. But what sadness to see those sexsational Irish Times reports about those young seminarian students. How could they not know about the nightmare of finding accommodation in Rome? I’ve heard the Irish Times has… Read more »

May 31, 2018 Craic & Codology

These are the shocking findings from RTÉ’s two-part series Stressed: Stress Levels: An alarming 78% of respondents experienced a severe rise in stress levels whenever Bertie Ahern mentioned the presidency, compared to only 76% on hearing Miriam O’Callaghan do so. Sleep Quality: A staggering 98% suffered sleep loss when given an assurance by the HSE… Read more »

May 31, 2018 Craic & Codology

TO THE general public Martin Callinan (played by Tom Selleck’s moustache) was just another typically busy leader – married, respectable and a dedicated public servant. But this intriguing BBC programme reveals the realities, the rumours and the sometimes farcical fantasies in Martin’s everyday life. Intriguingly we learn how much this high profile public servant regularly… Read more »

May 31, 2018 Craic & Codology

Britain’s Foreign Secretary tells it like it isn’t Hullo! Bozza here, your tousle-haired hero! Just reminding you what a totally top-notch job I’m making out of this bally Foreign Office business. Been busy flying around the entire globe for the past week – but in a dreary military-style aircraft designed for working class oiks. It… Read more »

May 31, 2018 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Shoot To Kill Favourite TV show: Trigger Happy TV Favourite song: 21 Guns, Greenday Favourite musical: Bullets Over Broadway Favourite magazine: Shoot Favourite ice cream: Magnum Favourite soccer team: The Gunners Favourite politician: Ciarán Cannon Favourite animal: Colt Favourite hobby: Sabre-rattling SWITCHED AT BIRTH

May 31, 2018 Craic & Codology

Daniel O’Donnell lookalike 2019 Eurovision contestant Offaly football manager Backing singer for Grace Jones Trump’s intermediary to North Korea PR for Kim Jong Un

May 17, 2018 Craic & Codology

PRO-LIFE Fianna Fáil activists have warned of the potentially horrible consequences of repealing the 8th Amendment for party leader, Micheál Martin. Many members of the party have campaigned to retain the legal status quo despite the leader having adopted a pro-repeal stance. But TDs are fearing thatfear Martin himself could become the first victim of… Read more »

May 17, 2018 Craic & Codology

74: People who attended Leinster homecoming celebration 0: Percentage chance of Joey Carbery going to Ulster 1/20: Johnny Sexton’s conversion rate 1.28 million: Number of Munster fans hoping for Racing 92 victory Number 2: What role the media keep reminding Stuart Lancaster he actually has 12: Seconds of footage RTÉ was allowed to show of match 

May 17, 2018 Craic & Codology

By our (fully qualified) medical correspondent Con Sultant IN THE aftermath of the resignation of Tony O’Brien, the Health Service Executive (HSE) has announced it is to rebrand itself later this year. “Rebranding can be expensive,“ explained spokesperson MT Ward. “So in order to save costs we have decided to keep the same initial letters… Read more »

May 17, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Bill Poster CAMPAIGNERS on both sides of the 8th Amendment campaigns have welcomed the removal of graphic referendum posters, with all parties agreeing they were “way over the top” and “most disturbing.” The posters, showing an aborted foetus in the background to be-suited Health Minister Simon Harris, were removed by Wicklow County Council. Said… Read more »

May 17, 2018 Craic & Codology

AS PART of our continuing efforts to protect the integrity of our money in the run-up to referendums, we will no longer accept misleading foreign-based ads related to the upcoming Irish abortion vote. This is such an important issue that I have been thinking seriously about it for some time – at least since the… Read more »

May 17, 2018 Craic & Codology

Danny Healy-Rae aiming a loaded pint bottle at Shane Ross Shane Ross heading for a job interview Simon Coveney trying to grab the wheel to do a U-turn Angry bloke on the phone to Joe Duffy Mattie McGrath buying a return ticket

May 17, 2018 Craic & Codology

The Simon Movement towards Abortion Rights Maybe (SMARM): Uninspiring Cork body advocating the right to choose an option before terminating it for a different one, as long as it doesn’t endanger the political life of the one carrying it through to the very end. Believes repealing the 8th will help prolong the life of Fine… Read more »

May 17, 2018 Craic & Codology

THE BOUNCY CASTLE Association of Ireland has condemned the government’s decision to change admission policies for Catholic schools. The proposals make it illegal for schools to discriminate in favour of children baptised into the Catholic church where places are limited. But the move has been heavily criticised by those who specialise in providing entertainment for… Read more »

May 17, 2018 Craic & Codology

Meghan’s pet name for Harry is Your Royal Highness. The Duke of Edinburgh could not attend the wedding because he was on safari shooting pandas. The fairytale marriage was almost cancelled after the bride discovered Harry was not actually Ed Sheeran. Theresa May has thanked the royal couple for creating a temporary distraction from her… Read more »

May 17, 2018 Craic & Codology

LOVABLE beatific smiles and liberal greetings from your supreme pontiff. What a busy time for you all in Ireland with the great Catholic referendum around the corner. How happy I am to know you are all conscience-bound individuals. This means you are completely free to vote a resounding No to the evils of round-the-clock compulsory… Read more »