November 1, 2018 Craic & Codology

AS WINTER weather conditions set in and hospitals come under renewed pressure, a senior health service correspondent has said that the situation is veering out of control due to the increase in HSE crisis stories. “There simply isn’t room for the huge numbers of stories that are queuing up to get into the paper,” said… Read more »

November 1, 2018 Craic & Codology

Remembrance Sunday: BBC One, 10AM – David Dimbleby presents live coverage of commemorations at the Cenotaph in Whitehall. Join her Majesty Mary Lou McDonald, who will lead this year’s service, alongside Lady Liadh Ní Riada of Ballyvourney. Doing Money: RTÉ One, 9:30PM – One lucky millionaire manages to get his deposit back after a divisive… Read more »

November 1, 2018 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: The Great Escape  Favourite song: Final Countdown, Europe  Favourite TV show: The Commish  Favourite food: Gravy train  Favourite breakfast: Continental  Favourite number: Cushy  Favourite fruit: Plum  Favourite band: The Police  Favourite football club: Charleton  Favourite exercise: Walking the plank 

October 18, 2018 Craic & Codology

Embattled former minister Denis Naughten today launched a four-square riposte to his critics (Vlad) who forced his resignation. “I did not have four dinner engagements with David McCourt,” he insisted. “It was one dinner but spread over four occasions. First we had the starter. That took about three minutes. A week later we had the… Read more »

October 18, 2018 Craic & Codology

(Lyrics by L Varadkar. With apologies to Dave Bartholomew) You went away and left me a short time ago Now you’re knocking all day upon my door I hear you Naughten, but you can’t come in I hear you knocking, go back to Roscommon I begged you to go and you said goodbye And now… Read more »

October 18, 2018 Craic & Codology

• OPPOSITION (common noun) – Body of docile persons who always agree with the government. E.g. “The Fianna Fáil Opposition is totally committed to wholehearted support of Mr Varadkar’s administration on all issues.” • Leader of the Opposition (insubstantive noun) – Person who is even more in agreement with the government than his colleagues. E.g. “Micheál… Read more »

October 18, 2018 Craic & Codology

Official staff wing “I abhor these awful Dragons and their money-making schemes” Other family residences guarded by rabid Bernese mountain dogs Garage full of unsold copies of Michael D’s brilliant poetry books ATM cashpoint “Who says I’m doing nothing to combat homelessness?” Miggeldy making passionate speech criticising landlords

October 18, 2018 Craic & Codology

Since the dawn of time, this great little country on the edge of Europe has punched above its weight, to be or not to be, that is. The question I put to you now is, do you want your old lobbying washed down? Because it’s a grand day for the drying thank God and now… Read more »

October 18, 2018 Craic & Codology

Minister for gritted teeth: Regina Doherty Minister for martyrs: Frances Fitzgerald Minister for women’s liberation: Simon Harris  Minister for Noel Grealish: Joe McHugh  Minister for optics: Richard Bruton

October 18, 2018 Craic & Codology

with Donald Clarke Galway 2020 Horror A disturbing tale of what happens when a remote Irish town is suddenly chosen to become European Capital of Culture. Something creepy starts when a curious band of accountants take possession of a spine-chilling budget of €46 million. Overnight, they splash out on lavish admin offices and heavy-duty expenses. The… Read more »

October 18, 2018 Craic & Codology

• Finding Joy — RTÉ One, 9pm: Uplifting sitcom in which an under-fire Montrose producer finds a formula for success: “We’ll just ask Amy if she’s free to do a new series.” Predictable.

October 18, 2018 Craic & Codology

If the proposed 37th Amendment to the Constitution is passed, the following statements will no longer be considered blasphemous: There are better sports than hurling  Amy Huberman wouldn’t be my cup of tea  No I haven’t watched the ‘Handmaid’s Tale’  Brendan O’Connor is a bit annoying, isn’t he? I just don’t get the Rubberbandits 

October 18, 2018 Craic & Codology

Following a number of recent vacancies and a report by the Labour Innovation, Management and Performance (LIMP) group, we are now inviting applicants for roles at all levels of the party. But especially at the top. Desirable attributes include: Endless optimism Strong faith in the power of prayer (and in miracles) Some knowledge of fine… Read more »

October 18, 2018 Craic & Codology

Some readers may have, in the now distant past, taken inference from reports in this, and indeed all, newspapers that we considered former Garda Commissioner Nóirín O’Sullivan to be a person of suspect character. Headlines such as ‘Nóirín O’Shady’, ‘Cop yourself on Nóirín and GO!!!’ and ‘Can anyone ever believe a single word that comes… Read more »

October 18, 2018 Craic & Codology

IN HIS first public comment since being mauled by Russian fighter ‘Doner’ Kebab Nurmagomedov, former UFC champion Conor McGregor says the world should “follow my example and abandon the use of violence” to resolve conflict. “I am a massive believer in the power of passive resistance, as my most recent encounter with my angry antagonist… Read more »

October 4, 2018 Craic & Codology

• We Need to Talk about Kevin — RTÉ 2: 7PM — Unsettling thriller in which a hapless executive assistant finds himself targeted in the middle of an election. Some great car chase scenes.

October 4, 2018 Craic & Codology

An occasional series in which resident Doctor Leo answers readers’ concerns Dear doctor, During a routine examination it was discovered that I have been sitting on a rather large lump sum for several years. I should have kept an eye on it as there is no accounting for why it is there or even whether… Read more »

October 4, 2018 Craic & Codology

Theresa May has to go  Tell Johnny Foreigner to go whistle  Adopt Canadian model… phwoar!  Is Putin really that bad? The sun never set on the British Empire  (because the blood never dried)  Does anyone have Jacinda Ardern’s number?

October 4, 2018 Craic & Codology

And lo at that time there came amongst the people a bestubbled man known as Blessed Paddy of Cosgrave who didth vow to save their streets and put roofs over their heads. And there was great joy and much dancing and clapping of hands amongst the poor and the homeless for all knew he promised… Read more »

October 4, 2018 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Eurotrip  Favourite song: Taxman, The Beatles  Favourite TV show: Home and Away  Favourite GAA team: The Exiles  Favourite herb: Basel  Favourite cheese: Swiss  Favourite chocolate: Toblerone  Favourite accessory: Deep pockets  Favourite exercise: Splash the cash

October 4, 2018 Craic & Codology

Gorgeous, sassy Jemima Madrigal, the country’s stunningly beautiful culture minister, positioned herself pertly as the sleek, top-of-the-range Lexus made its way along the leafy suburbs of Cosgrave Avenue. Glancing briefly at the temporary halting site, she grimaced, wondering why such unkempt scenes were necessary at a time when Ireland’s economy was booming. A tiny translucent… Read more »

October 4, 2018 Craic & Codology

A LITTLE ALP FROM HIS FRIENDS: Supporters of the Swiss resident are known to frequently blow his trumpet Gaelic games supporters across Ireland were last night urging GAA President John Horan to issue a formal thank you to the Swiss tax authorities after a donation of €100,000 was made by a Swiss resident to every… Read more »

October 4, 2018 Craic & Codology

Technology: 12,000 new pencil sharpeners to be purchased Diversity: Doesn’t always have to be salt, vinegar and ketchup on the snack box Traffic: Always allow room for a pushchair between the squad car and the wall when parked on the kerb Listening to victims: Be sure to take careful note of what he remembers if… Read more »

October 4, 2018 Craic & Codology

FOSTER verb. (From the Ulster Scots.) To promote or look after oneself at all costs as an absolute priority. E.g. “Arlene did everything in her power to foster her own interests at the RHI Inquiry.” SPAV noun.  A wide boy, Jack-the-lad. Slick operator who makes a living from underhand activity that benefits his relations. E.g…. Read more »

October 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Dee Nied Gardaí say they were “shocked and alarmed” at the efforts of a lone female who tried unsuccessfully to get into the president’s office at Áras an Uachtaráin. Observers say the woman – known as ‘Gemma’ – seemed “very, very desperate” to get into the building. “The poor thing was running about the… Read more »

October 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

Do you wish to remove the phrase, “publication or utterance of blasphemous matter” from article 40 of the Irish Constitution? YES [ ]  NO [ ] Do you wish to remove Roy Keane and prohibit him from constantly bollocking all those lazy fucking players? YES [ ]  NO [ ] Is Leo Varadkar an exceptionally… Read more »

October 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

By All Financial Hacks, There was a renewed outpouring of lengthy articles this week marking the 10th anniversary of the crash as economic experts struggled to come to terms with the fact that it was all very old news. Day after day, newspaper front pages were filled with hundreds of long-winded headlines entitled “The Crash:… Read more »

September 20, 2018 Craic & Codology

THERE was huge relief throughout the country last night at the news that US President Donald Trump has postponed his planned visit to Ireland in November. On the streets of the capital, hundreds of Dubliners opposed to the visit hugged one another, saying: “We’re just very happy that we won’t have to go out in… Read more »

September 20, 2018 Craic & Codology

Armed robbers, extortionists and terrorist groups across Ireland say they are “outraged” at landlord agents and gardaí wearing balaclavas when evicting housing activists, claiming that it is cultural appropriation. One notorious gangster holed up in Dublin’s inner city says the practice may even cost him his livelihood. “I could easily be mistaken for one of… Read more »

September 20, 2018 Craic & Codology

President Michael D has announced he will be making a surprise appearance on Dragons’ Den during the presidential election campaign. The president is rumoured to have a sure-fire, seven-year business idea to put to dragons Gavin Pompuss and Peter Who-he. He will say he has already trademarked the brand name Twee and has arranged temporary… Read more »

September 20, 2018 Craic & Codology

(On the instructions of Mr D O’Brien, Sleezma, Malta) 1,000s of incredible knock-down prices including: Millions of junk digital bonds (value: worthless) Millions more INM shares (value: ditto) One Leslie Buckley (seriously worn) Enormous pile of Indo articles (unread) One troubled radio station Warehouse stocked with writs, threatening letters etc Other assorted rubbish Hurry! Hurry!… Read more »

September 20, 2018 Craic & Codology

The Giant’s Causeway: Situated in Scotland, the most scenic of all Northern Ireland’s counties, the Causeway is the province’s most popular golf course and was constructed over 60 billion year ago by the legendary landscaping firm of Fionn, Mac and Cool. Titanic Belfast: Belfast, in the heart of County Londonderry, was the last port of… Read more »

September 20, 2018 Craic & Codology

The key objectives of the Irexit Freedom Party are as follows:  Provide lots of lengthy press releases for Frank Fitzgibbon to salivate over  Avoid becoming defunct political grouping like the Irish Parliamentary Party or Fianna Fáil  Never ever mention that Hermann is a German name  Emphasise how well the Brexit negotiations are going  Give Fungi… Read more »