May 2, 2019 Craic & Codology

Michael Ring taking the biscuit  Long-lost brothers reigniting their feud  Thousands still waiting for broadband  Fine Gael trying to make hay  John Delaney getting barbecued  Village idiot irritating locals (Enda Kenny) Pat Spillane getting dumped  People realising why they stopped talking to their neighbours in the first place

May 2, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Barrel O’Laughs Opinion polls showing a surge in support for Fianna Fáil is “probably down to the success of comedian Volodymyr Zelensky” in Ukraine’s presidential election, according to analysts. Said one seasoned commentator, “It was utterly unthinkable only two weeks ago, but Irish people now feel a bit more assured about trusting a comedy… Read more »

May 2, 2019 Craic & Codology

by Phil Space Just a few short weeks after the terrible inferno raged through the medieval cathedral of Notre-Dame, I have now had time to process this momentous event and come to terms with what has been a life-changing experience. Who could ever forget the crowds of distraught Parisians who gathered to pray and sing plaintive… Read more »

May 2, 2019 Craic & Codology

1. Claire Dalyus Europaus While native to Ireland, Dalyus is hoping to nestle down in Brussels for a few years and avoid the hard winters in Fingal. Critics claim her once-proud red plumage has faded and this has resulted in her having to survive on scraps from the media. 2. Delaney Outus Instinctively knows how… Read more »

May 2, 2019 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Crash  Favourite song: Free Fallin’, Tom Petty  Favourite TV show: Curb Your Enthusiasm  Favourite exercise: Nose-dive  Favourite food: Crumble  Favourite hobby: Hitting the skids  Favourite fruit: Lemon  Favourite utensil: Flash in the pan  Favourite vehicle: Tank  Favourite animal: Swanny

April 18, 2019 Craic & Codology

FAI supremo (at time of writing) John Delaney has announced that he has single-handedly secured a new sponsorship deal for the embattled organisation. “Yes,” he responded modestly, “entirely through my own example I have been approached by a drinks company to become a brand ambassador for the company’s water brand, based purely on my sparkling… Read more »

April 18, 2019 Craic & Codology

Call Centre Operator Having spent a lifetime sitting around reading from a prepared script, the former taoiseach will have no problem advising unsuspecting members of the Irish diaspora about surefire investment schemes. Automated Railway Announcer Kenny’s robotic speaking voice is ideal for tedious announcements, such as “the 10.35 to Castlebar is delayed indefinitely”. Public Service… Read more »

April 18, 2019 Craic & Codology

Never underestimate the amount of people who would notice Order three dozen more red flags Make sure they are large ones Alter terms of reference to include ‘gobshites’, ‘clueless’ and ‘bonehead’ Don’t mention young Harris Use big words when explaining it all to the ordinary poor slobs Stay away from Seán O’Rourke Make sure we… Read more »

April 18, 2019 Craic & Codology

Leo and Micheál Been together since 2014. Always tension in the House whenever they are within sight of each other. Micheál thinks Leo is a control freak and Leo says Micheál is not supportive enough and refuses to obey. John Delaney and John Tracey Money problems can so easily rip couples apart and, now that… Read more »

April 18, 2019 Craic & Codology

What he says: What he means: Pressing the flesh Banana republic Running mate Returning officer Spin Minding the constitution Massaging the muscles Lots of native-grown vitamins Bloke jogging alongside me Someone jogging towards me A vigorous exercise class Eating proper foods

April 18, 2019 Craic & Codology

Am I the only one who feels deeply concerned that, last week, one solitary bollard almost derailed the entire police service of this country? (Great start Pauly! – Ed) It surely beggars belief that the security of every man, woman and child in the state is dependent on these faceless constructions – who are accountable… Read more »

April 18, 2019 Craic & Codology

12 who don’t take ketchup at all on the burgers 8 skilled at turning on those computer yokes 18 right clever clogs for investigating stuff and that kind of thing 2 corner backs, badly needed 3 foreigners we’re keeping an eye on… 6 Rangers supporters 1 lad with a beard

April 18, 2019 Craic & Codology

Dear Ambassador, Thank you so much for your kind letter. We here at the Spectator always appreciate correspondence from Eire. We thoroughly reject your thesis that our publication has adopted anti-Paddy positions now or in the past. Our editor, Fraser Nelson, is a card-carrying papist and lots of our contributors have those funny apostrophes in… Read more »

April 18, 2019 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Short Circuit  Favourite song: Convoy, C.W. McCall  Favourite TV show: Northern Exposure  Favourite town: Ramsgate  Favourite pub: Break for the Border  Favourite car: Escort  Favourite band: Guns and Roses  Favourite animal: Flipper  Favourite body part: Arms  Favourite album: Never Mind the Bollards

April 18, 2019 Craic & Codology

Rome v Republic – RTÉ One, 10.15pm: Neoliberal high priest Michael McDowell looks at how a deeply pernicious cult (the Progressive Democrats) maintained its grip on the Irish body politic for so long. The Great House Revival – RTÉ One, 9.30pm: Join Johnny Ronan as he makes sky-high profits from his latest construction project. Housing… Read more »

April 18, 2019 Craic & Codology

JERUSALEM EAST Benjamin Netanyahu (Some Likud Hot Party) 66,600 Benny Gantz (Centrist Blue and White Party) 66,599 Moshe Smitem (Not so Centrist Black and Blue Union) 18,307 Rabbi Avi (Old Testament Party) 14,815 Softi Neissman (Let’s Treat the Palestinians Better Alliance) 9 BETHLEHEM SOUTH Election cancelled due to mysterious absence of electorate. (No change)

April 18, 2019 Craic & Codology

Roma to be removed from Serie A NATO to be given control of Donegal  Ireland to replace euro with bitcoin  Dragons’ Den theme music to be the new EU anthem  Something about 5G  Reject all comparisons with UKIP  Free PTSD counselling for Gavin Duffy  Find out why the D–evil went down to Georgia

April 18, 2019 Craic & Codology

As part of a revolutionary plan to manage its border with the UK, Frau Merkel has announced that the EU is considering annexing what Angela Merkel has referred to as “parts of ze Nordetenlands zat righfully belong to ze Varadkar Republic, namely ze county of Our Ma”. According to Frau Merkel, who was enjoying a… Read more »

April 18, 2019 Craic & Codology

Businessman Peter Casey has announced his candidacy for next month’s European Parliament elections. Launching his campaign, the former Dragon promised to be “the voice for rural Ireland”. “Speaking as an ordinary working Joe millionaire,” he said, “and definitely not as an opportunist flaunting fake man-of-the-people credentials, I believe that my policies will resonate with decent, hard-working… Read more »