February 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

NO NEW DEVELOPMENTS WHATSOEVER There was nothing new to report today as the search continued to find a solution to the Brexit impasse between the UK and the EU. ON OTHER PAGES What will happen next? We don’t know – p2 Is José Mourinho about to take charge of Brexit – p3 Tasty post-Brexit recipes… Read more »

February 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

GUINNESS marketing executives have claimed that the launch of Guinness Clear (0% Alcohol, 100% Bullshit) means anything is now possible. The new product is the latest brand from Diageo’s experimental Open Chequebook Brewery, where many products aimed exclusively at hipsters have been developed to varying degrees of success. Lagers such as Cool Mountain Cash-In and… Read more »

February 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

Awright geezas!, Gawdon Bennet, wot a pile ov grief I’ve ’ad scratchin’ me loaf whether to tog out fer jolly ol’ Engerland or fer Éire! I’d all the faaamly wadin’ in wiv advice like ya wouldn’ Adam an’ Eve! Then Oirish Mick come round wiv the normal Keano, an’ the gaffer Gareth Southgate’s only been… Read more »

February 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

Exclusive to all newspapers Demands are growing across the real world and in Britain and America for a major investigation into Irish actor Liam Neeson’s past. The calls follow suspicions that the deranged thespian may have shot civil rights leader Martin Luther King, poisoned Nelson Mandela and drowned Shirley Bassey before almost certainly strangling Black… Read more »

February 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

“Listen to reason. I grew up in Derry in an ordinary family where we all had to pull our weight. My DNA is exactly the same as all this so-called Traveller DNA. We’re both Irish, so where does all this talk about ethnic status come from, eh? I’m completely in favour of equality – which… Read more »

February 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

Fears are growing for the safety of dozens of tame bears wandering aimlessly in the wilderness. The species, Fianna Fáilus, were once feared throughout their native land, but a dramatic change of climate in 2008 devastated their natural habitat. This resulted in the mammals becoming utterly toothless and being struck in perpetual hibernation. They are… Read more »

February 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

AS I sit down at my agreeable writing desk to create my daily Irish Times column, I am wondering what on earth I can say about Brexit that I have not already said. But, in a sense, that simple conundrum goes right to the very core of the UK’s sadly misguided crisis in these uncertain… Read more »

February 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

In a shock U-turn, doctors have warned ill patients to no longer rely on touching the hem of an Irish rugby international, or even on praying to Johnny Sexton. Following the Grand Slam win and the All-Blacks defeat, many doctors referred patients to training grounds across the country with a prescription to touch anyone or… Read more »

February 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

As part of his new RTÉ series, the legendary architect and self-promoter looks at the homes of leading personalities. SIMON HARRIS Clearly the home of someone with a high-pressure job – Simon’s stress levels are added to by the fact he’s completely useless at it. A notable feature is the massed rank of protestors outside…. Read more »

February 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

by Our Dublin Staff Anne R Key AS IRELAND teeters on the brink of political crisis over Brexit, General Leo Vladuro of the Ruling Party has again threatened to send thousands of troops to the disputed Northern Irish border. The move is seen as an attempt to oppose UK leader Prime Minister Mayuro’s plans to… Read more »

February 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

IN RECENT times, in common with all other publications, we may have led some readers to believe that we saw the Ireland rugby team as a sort of collective deity. We understand that some headlines – such as ‘Schmidt’s Super Trojans’, ‘Ireland’s Sporting Titans’ and ‘Green Gods Set for Global Domination for Generations to Come’… Read more »

February 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

The UK’s foreign minister, Jeremy Hunt, has said that Britain will take a few days to formulate suggestions to put to the European Union, in an attempt to resolve the issue of Irish border arrangements after Brexit. “The prime minister is confident that all 27 EU countries will be very favourably disposed to our latest… Read more »

February 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

1. Prime minister uses Tipp-Ex to change ‘Plan A’ heading to ‘Plan B’ 2. Take new plan to EU leaders in Brussels 3. Taxi waits while Theresa hangs around EU Commission building 4. PM listens to howls of laughter from inside Jean-Claude Juncker’s office 5. She contacts Downing Street to see if street riots have started… Read more »

February 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

Most Desperate For Attention: Vogue Williams for Three Photo-ops and a Baby Best Supporting Farce: Roy Keane in Dumb and Dumber Best Baldy Comedian: Danny Healy-Rae for Silence Of The Lamb Steaks Best Drowning Not Waving: Eoghan Murphy for Homeless in Seattle Best Tragic Performance: Fianna Fáil in Misery Best Cartoon Character: Boris Johnson in… Read more »

February 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Staff Martin Wail FORMER SINN FÉIN TD Peadar Tóibín revealed the name of his new party ahead of a public meeting in Belfast yesterday. Ireland’s latest political grouping is to be called Aontú, meaning unity or agreement. However, within minutes of Aontú’s first official get-together, there were chaotic scenes as about half… Read more »

February 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

Roy Keane and Harry Arter You may call it nag, nag, nag, But my love gives no quarters And that is why I lost the rag When I saw you with Jon Walters Danny Healy-Rae and Shane Ross Your shiny head, your way with words, Were tender traits we shared, But revealing pics of me… Read more »

February 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

Ed Honohan squares up to a rogue banker Honohan: Next filthy rich financial institution versus downtrodden, gambling borrower please! Mr Creepiecrawlie for the bank: My client seeks to have €900,000 in borrowings prior to the 2001 Cheltenham festival returned forthwith Mr Master. Mr Smiley Barrister for the farmer:  Cheltenham was abandoned that year, so technically… Read more »

February 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

The Handout The organisation can receive an unlimited number. The Since Binned Anyone player lashing out at the GAA or marking someone’s card by blackening its name will be required to bin such insinuations. The Sideline Kick Players going forward to the media about fixture congestion, Dub dominance, travel expenses, injury compensation, no toilet on… Read more »

February 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

HARRIS verb: to irritate incessantly, to whine sanctimoniously and be a nuisance by constantly courting media attention and public affirmation (e.g. “That awful upstart seems to do nothing but harris people.”) COMPASSIONATE adjective: commonly used to describe young ambitious politicians who will say anything and stop at nothing to advance their ministerial careers (e.g. “Simon… Read more »

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

There was shocked international reaction last night after it emerged that a group of Irish extremists have been living openly on Kildare Street in Dublin for the past number of years. According to a source close to the shady Fine Gael group, the organisation’s leadership – consisting of Vlad Al Varadkar and Simon bin Coveney… Read more »

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

DODDS noun. Fearful deep-rooted suspicion of any change. (Ulster-Scots origin.) E.g. “Nigel keeps repeating the same old tissue of dodds.” PLAN B noun. Aspirational promise to achieve something – anything – after everything else fails miserably. E.g. “Mrs May is intent on using Plan B in a further attempt to cling on to power.” OTOOLE… Read more »

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

EXCLUSIVE TO ALL NEWSPAPERS – Politicians unable to agree shock ON OTHER PAGES • Leo celebrates his own birthday – p4 • Photo of Vogue Williams’s baby – p7

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

Breakfast Has-beans; toast; smell the coffee Light lunch Something cheesy with pickle on brown bread; hot water Dinner Fishy: choice of cod or Healy-ray Vegetating: Hot potatoes; leeks; corn-on-the-cobblers Just Desserts Trifle upset & going bananas

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

Our farmers, Who art on tractors Hallowed be thy herd Thy Kingdom cow That will be done on hearth As it is in ovens Give us this Dáil Our daily meat And then give us green pastures So we can give those Who trapes past against us Bacon, cabbage temptations That delivers us from vegans

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

Simple Simon: Well that’s another load of old guff spouted into the record books. Snobby Ross: Yes and you didn’t go too fast…good man! SS: Of course; I know where the border is between attentive and bored! SR: I thought a few of them in the front row were starting to nod off… SS: That’s… Read more »

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

US PRESIDENT Donald Trump has defended his decision to maintain the partial government shutdown and has insisted that his Democratic opponents are to blame. In a series of executive tweets overnight, the president said: “I am sincerely emproudened to see myself as protectifying a great point of principle here, just like Marvin Luther King had… Read more »

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

WHO’S AFRAID OF NEGATIVE PUBLICITY? Haunting portrayal of discord in the world of Irish theatre, culminating in unforgettable farce when 300 theatre practitioners chase Abbey bosses Neil Murray and Graham McLaren around the building. Director: Josepha Madigan LONG DAY’S JOURNEY INTO PENURY Searing examination of isolation and alienation, focusing on an aspiring actor trying to… Read more »

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Dion Fawning of Woe.ie The English city of Nottingham has been declared a no-fly zone following the appointment of Martin O’Neill as Notts Forest boss. The move has been made in anticipation of the number of balls expected to be launched into the stratosphere as O’Neill’s reign commences. “During O’Neill’s spell in charge of… Read more »

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

As a doctor, parents often ask me, “Doctor, how much will this prescription cost me?” It’s a frivolous question, but to humour them, I always explain, “It should work out at about €5.50, although that could easily rise due to unexpected but very understandable happenings, such as er, the sun rising in the mornings, birds… Read more »

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

IRISH self-promoter Vogue Williams and husband Spencer Matthews have been celebrating the birth of their E4 reality series (cleverly entitled ‘Spencer, Vogue and Publicity Too’). Relaxing last night in a quiet London restaurant, with hundreds of their closest photographers, the loved-up celebrity duo reflected on a whirlwind year in the public eye. Said Vogue: “From… Read more »

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

Saluti Bobus Geldfukoffus auld hairi scraggli e mouthus alwaysi openni per profanatii hurlatus ad infinitum ad infinitum e beardi unkempti au resemblum bogbrushum e givus headachius au screamius awfuli au nolikeum Mondaysium e worsius e bosom pallum au tedius Bononevershuttupius au togethrium worthium billionariums au flyum firstclassium e waggi fingerii atallofus per giveus f***ing shekels… Read more »