April 18, 2019 Craic & Codology

JERUSALEM EAST Benjamin Netanyahu (Some Likud Hot Party) 66,600 Benny Gantz (Centrist Blue and White Party) 66,599 Moshe Smitem (Not so Centrist Black and Blue Union) 18,307 Rabbi Avi (Old Testament Party) 14,815 Softi Neissman (Let’s Treat the Palestinians Better Alliance) 9 BETHLEHEM SOUTH Election cancelled due to mysterious absence of electorate. (No change)

April 18, 2019 Craic & Codology

Roma to be removed from Serie A NATO to be given control of Donegal  Ireland to replace euro with bitcoin  Dragons’ Den theme music to be the new EU anthem  Something about 5G  Reject all comparisons with UKIP  Free PTSD counselling for Gavin Duffy  Find out why the D–evil went down to Georgia

April 18, 2019 Craic & Codology

As part of a revolutionary plan to manage its border with the UK, Frau Merkel has announced that the EU is considering annexing what Angela Merkel has referred to as “parts of ze Nordetenlands zat righfully belong to ze Varadkar Republic, namely ze county of Our Ma”. According to Frau Merkel, who was enjoying a… Read more »

April 18, 2019 Craic & Codology

Businessman Peter Casey has announced his candidacy for next month’s European Parliament elections. Launching his campaign, the former Dragon promised to be “the voice for rural Ireland”. “Speaking as an ordinary working Joe millionaire,” he said, “and definitely not as an opportunist flaunting fake man-of-the-people credentials, I believe that my policies will resonate with decent, hard-working… Read more »

April 4, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Phil Frontpage IN A move that has already sent shock waves through Europe and the UK, Leo Varadkar has pledged that he will devote all his time and energy into doing everything that Chancellor Merkel tells him. Speaking to reporters in Dublin after meeting Mrs Merkel yesterday, the Taoiseach said that the two leaders… Read more »

April 4, 2019 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Staff Cliff Edge THE ENTIRE world held its breath last night as the British Government teetered on the verge of the Brexit endgame. Following months of political uncertainty and bitter in-fighting, the Westminster Parliament has finally reached the make-or-break point in what has been a long and torturous road. It also emerged… Read more »

April 4, 2019 Craic & Codology

BORIS (noun) upper-class buffoon; slobbering idiot; statesman-like figure capable of occupying the highest political office. Example: “Cripes! Seems like all the others are so awful, there’s a real chance that the next PM could be a real Boris.” LEADSOM (adjective) repugnant; vile; obnoxious; detestable; unbearable. Example: “Everyone agrees that Andrea is completely leadsom – obviously… Read more »

April 4, 2019 Craic & Codology

So farewell soon, John Delaney, a man who rose without trace A self important egotist, with hardly a saving grace You bought us drinks, but now it’s time to induct you into the Fall from Fame. It’s double yellow, move along. And give us back our game. JOHN DELANEY’S GAFF IN FULL

April 4, 2019 Craic & Codology

Due to a recent human resource adjustment, we are now accepting applications for the CEO poser (‘Post,’ surely_Ed). This is a high profile, deeply challenging position, demanding exceptional flexibility and the skills to respond to a crisis even worse than the previous one for as often as it takes. The successful candidate will be proficient… Read more »

April 4, 2019 Craic & Codology

Charity organisations across Ireland were fulsome in their praise for broadcaster Gráinne Seoige last night, as news emerged that the well-known presenter had given shelter to a man with no home of his own for several years. The man, known simply as ‘John D’, or ‘Waterford John’, in order not to protect his identity, would… Read more »

April 4, 2019 Craic & Codology

LABOUR leader Brendan Howlin has welcomed the decision by the European Parliament to phase out daylight savings time. The Wexford TD claimed that not only would it be good for the economy but it could also boost his ailing organisation. “We in the Labour Party have been trying to turn the clock back for the… Read more »

April 4, 2019 Craic & Codology

by our security correspondent Lotta Cashe A digger was stolen in County Fermanagh in the early hours of yesterday. In a statement following the incident, a spokesperson for the PENIS NI said:- “The thieves used an ATM machine, stolen earlier in the day, to access the digger that was parked on a building site beside a… Read more »

April 4, 2019 Craic & Codology

by our soccer correspondent Dennis Balls Although not qualified to play for Ireland as yet, in demand strikers Grabdi Kash and Boro deMoni have joined two Irish outfits on loan, according to their agent Jon DeLayni. Kash has joined Abbots Town on a short-term two month deal while diMoni has hooked up with JMPHE Waterford… Read more »

April 4, 2019 Craic & Codology

CLASH OF HEADS: Tony after one of his post-match chats with Martin O’Neill IRELAND regular Tony O’Donoghue says he is “relishing” a new-found freedom in his role since Mick McCarthy returned to the reins of the national side. The veteran performer concedes he felt “quite restricted” under former boss Martin O’Neill who, he reveals, “didn’t… Read more »

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Owen Goal League of Ireland footballers have hailed the news that FAI guru John Delaney gave a bridging loan to the organisation when it was experiencing cash-flow difficulties in 2017. The Waterford Native – who it was recently revealed had received €160,000 as a member of the UEFA executive, complementing his €360,000 FAI salary… Read more »

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Narrow Margin  Favourite song: Ain’t That a Kick in the Head  Favourite TV show: Malcolm in the Middle  Favourite hobby: Counting chickens Favourite food: Hard cheese  Favourite exercise: Pulling rugs  Favourite detective: Shaft  Favourite colour: Rebuff  Favourite feast day: Assumption  Favourite body part: Cold shoulder

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar has supported the return of the Irish woman detained in Syria on suspicion of links with Islamic State. “I’ve been advised that there’s no security risk whatsoever – seeing as this unfortunate woman was a serving member of the Irish Defence Forces, so she could not possibly have access to any worthwhile intelligence… Read more »

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

Our Political Staff Philipa Page THERE was no surprise in Westminster yesterday when it became clear that all 308 Tory MPs had thrown their hats in the ring to succeed Theresa May as prime minister. With confusion mounting over the UK’s disorderly Brexit strategy, the Snoresbury North MP, Mike Dullman, of whom no one has… Read more »

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

Could your child be the next Northern Ireland secretary? Take this short, simple test to find out if he/she has what it takes to be the next Karen Bradley? Does your child: Think Dublin is in Wales? Stare blankly into space when talking to you? Prefer to walk backwards? Round off the day with breakfast?… Read more »