September 19, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Mai Grant THERE IS growing pressure on Noel Grealish to resign from his Dáil seat following a series of controversial statements and embarrassing evidence of cult-like behaviour in the past. During a public meeting about the proposed opening of a direct provision centre in the TD’s constituency in Co Galway, several members of the… Read more »

September 19, 2019 Craic & Codology

by Our Entire Staff With the Rugby World Cup just days away, unparalleled numbers of Irish fans are erupting in a frenzy of eager anticipation. Sports minister Shane Ross has strongly advised supporters travelling to Japan over the next month to make themselves fully aware of local culture and customs. Shane’s Top Tips For Travellers… Read more »

September 19, 2019 Craic & Codology

Reaping what you sow: Labour Party meitheal Milking it: Maria Bailey co-operative Making a pig’s ear out of everything: Farmer Eoghan Murphy Making hay while the sun shines: Landlord gang Letting grass grow under feet: Farmer Harris Producing bull manure: Farmer Johnson

September 19, 2019 Craic & Codology

Are you keen on maintaining an uncontaminated environment? Then worry no more, thanks to the amazing Grealish Sponge The only heavy-duty cleansing agent you’ll ever need! Home-grown product guaranteed to get rid of all undesirable matter Mops up unwanted spillages, including trickles of Syrians into Galway West Specially designed to absorb the floating vote at… Read more »

September 19, 2019 Craic & Codology

Mir.i.am – the TV presenter formerly known as Miriam O’Callaghan – has revealed (phwaor! – Ed) that she is tip-toeing back to the church. “It’s true,” she says. “I cannot lie. I have been making secret visits to my local church on my own in order to light candles with just a film team from… Read more »

September 19, 2019 Craic & Codology

HSE Ask us any question you like on the night and immediately receive a two-line summary of why we think you shouldn’t know the answer even if it was our fault… which it wasn’t. Éir Why not make a weekend out of it by dialling us on Friday for some assistance and waiting until Sunday… Read more »

September 19, 2019 Craic & Codology

Creed Veteran punk who is heavily inspired by Meat Loaf. Creed has been singing the same old tune for quite some time now and his choreography is regarded as hopelessly out of step. The House Martin Desperately ambitious crooner who could be running out of time to revive his flagging career. Needs a big hit… Read more »

September 19, 2019 Craic & Codology

Storm Phil Known for very dark clouds and likely to play havoc with water supplies. Threatening gloom across British Isles as it mingles with the trade winds. Cyclone Roy The most unforgiving pattern of all, typically recognised by an icy chill giving way to extremely deep frost, prone to vicious cold snaps and culminating in… Read more »

September 19, 2019 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: World War Z Favourite song: Invaders Must Die, The Prodigy Favourite TV show: Empire Favourite animal: Hawk Favourite food: Yellowcake Favourite weather: Desert Storm Favourite strike: Pre-emptive Favourite exercise: Arms race Favourite hobby: Smoking guns Favourite plant: Bush

September 19, 2019 Craic & Codology

The Keith Barry Experience – RTÉ One, 9.35pm: Join magician Keith Barry as he shrinks RTÉ’s audience share before your very eyes. He will also attempt to hypnotise programme schedulers into giving him another series. The Restaurant – Virgin Media One, 9.00pm: Phil Hogan reminiscences about the time he made a meal out of water… Read more »

September 5, 2019 Craic & Codology

by Our Financial Staff – Phil Coffers A PROMINENT political party leader based in West Belfast today collected one of the biggest-ever lottery wins in recent years. At a public ceremony in the city centre, a smiling Michelle O’Neill received a cheque for £1.5 million (€1.65m) on behalf of a syndicate known as Sinn Féin…. Read more »

September 5, 2019 Craic & Codology

Motoring Expert Shane Ross’s Guide to Futuristic Driving Q. Is Irish motoring changing radically? A. Absolutely! Beyond recognition thanks to the latest progressive initiatives by the transport minister. Q. Will self-drive cars be available soon? A. Yep! It’s happening right now with ministerial vehicles in Leinster House. Q. Are these new eco-friendly government models likely… Read more »

September 5, 2019 Craic & Codology

Coping with Climate Change Montrose documentary that asks the vital questions. Will RTÉ disappear beneath the waves as viewers drift away? Why is Ray D’Arcy’s audience shrinking faster than was thought? How much more hot air can we expect from Brendan O’Connor? Is it possible to limit Maura and Daithí’s emissions? The Daniel and Majella… Read more »

September 5, 2019 Craic & Codology

Parents across Ireland say they will strongly resist any attempt to make Simon Harris compulsory. “Simon would be a great shot in the arm for the country for decades to come,” noted one FG lackey yesterday, while another observer noted that the baby-faced minister “very easily gets under the skin”. Parents, however, are strongly opposed… Read more »

September 5, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Terry-Bell Cad RELATIVES of the late Jeffrey Epstein say his name is being “dragged unfairly through the mud” and insist the disgraced pervert moneybags “had no idea” that Prince Andrew was a member of the British Royal Family. Speaking from one of the late paedophile’s two dozen yachts, the relative explained, “Jeffrey was no… Read more »

September 5, 2019 Craic & Codology

Favourite Film: Hamburger Hill Favourite TV show: The Price is Right  Favourite Band: The Flying Pickets Favourite Song: Can’t You Hear the Cows, The Turtles Favourite Comedian: Angus Deayton Favourite Hobby: Bullfighting Favourite Food: Curry favour Favourite Exercise: Hand-wringing Favourite Politician: Jack Straw Favourite Body Part: Calf

September 5, 2019 Craic & Codology

GOLFER Rory McIlroy stood accused last night of having little regard for the livelihoods of journalists. The accusations followed the County Down man’s $15m victory in the FedExpensive Cup in Atlanta. The win side-swiped commentators, who had been poised to knock out mocking articles highlighting the latest disastrous underperformance from the golfer. “I’d already factored… Read more »

September 5, 2019 Craic & Codology

Micheal Martin Rugby is very like politics, with lots of mauling and dragging guys down. I’ll be watching the props in particular – the better I become at propping up, the longer I’ll have a job. Shane Ross If we protect our wicket like I know we can, then I’m sure the goals will come… Read more »

September 5, 2019 Craic & Codology

An occasional service to readers offering selected meanings of words that have suddenly become newsworthy Prorogue To discontinue a session of (a parliament or other legislative assembly) without dissolving it. Pro rogue To be supportive of a rogue (a dishonest or unprincipled man).

September 5, 2019 Craic & Codology

Their wide-eyed gaze, unruly hair and brave smiles speak volumes about their troubled lives. Frank and Theresa (their real names) have faced the most horrendous pressures recently. Sadly, the former Late Late Show pianist and his wife, an ex-RTÉ presenter, are guilty of nothing more than running up debts to the tune of €3.7m. Cruelly… Read more »

September 5, 2019 Craic & Codology

To celebrate the success of their Dublin store, Krispy Kreme has announced a limited edition range for the Irish market: The Schmidt This Kiwi-infused concoction is roundly panned thanks to its increasingly flakey constituency. Could be treated to an absolute battering. The Deasy Crusty lump of dough that never goes well with Coffey. The traditional… Read more »

September 5, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Archie Ologist GEOLOGISTS say damage to an ancient fossil skull found in Ethiopa may have been caused by a member of a notorious, warrior tribe known as the McGregorians. The skull had a large section of jaw missing, which was “typical of the kind of damage inflicted by a single blow from a McGregorian,”… Read more »

September 5, 2019 Craic & Codology

Oliver Cromwell Boris Johnson Roundhead Pig-headed Beheaded King Decapitated Theresa May Suspended Parliament Suspended Parliament Hated the Irish Really Hates the Irish Genocidal Maniac Egomaniac Sacked Wexford Sacked Old Cabinet Puritanical Pure Chancer

September 4, 2019 Craic & Codology

Britain’s new PM tells it like it isn’t Bozza here! Just reminding you what a totally top-notch job I’m making of this whole Prime Minister thingy. Well, it wouldn’t actually be ultra-hard after Mrs Mayhem’s totally shambolic efforts. Anyway, you know, I’m not one for blowing my own trumpet, but yours truly has certainly hit… Read more »

August 22, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Environment Correspondent – E. Missions ENVIRONMENTAL groups around Europe have praised Ryanair for its “tremendous contribution to the environment” in the wake of the company’s industrial difficulties. “Everyone knows that air travel is a significant contributor to air pollution and Ryanair has long led the way in dissuading people from flying entirely,” smiled Welsh… Read more »

August 22, 2019 Craic & Codology

CALLING ALL HOLIDAY-MAKERS! Still planning on taking a late summer break this month? Why not take your holiday right here at home where you can enjoy a week in the hot spot that everybody’s talking about? Staycations have never been more popular, so why not pack your bags and the kids – and head to… Read more »

August 22, 2019 Craic & Codology

Non-Starters Cripes Suzettes True-Blue Cheese Steamed-up Fruits of Office ***** Fishy Course Burnt Fingers du jour with old beans ***** Mains Cold Cuts of Duck a l’Orange issue Peas in our time (unavailable) Cooked Goose with Union Jack(et) Potatoes (Served on a bed of own making)Off the Trolley Soft Border Fudge Right Eton Mess Steamed-up… Read more »

August 22, 2019 Craic & Codology

by Our Summer Filler Staff Phillipa Page FESTIVAL fever is at an all-time high right now as Kerry welcomes thousands of visitors to see who will become the 2019 Rose in this year’s 60th anniversary competition. As always, presenter Leo Varadkar will be on hand to upstage the contestants as they chat about their hobbies… Read more »

August 22, 2019 Craic & Codology

Advertisement From the makers of Paco Des Menaces, Farrago de Tales and Eau Non C’est Boris! comes an exhilarating new fragrance that will simply overpower you. A unique masculine fragrance that lets you project that traditionally British gentleman style. Guaranteed to get you ranting about Meghan Markle and other pushy immigrants destroying the UK. A… Read more »

August 22, 2019 Craic & Codology

1 Use your generous grant allowance to secure a suitable apartment of your choice. 2 This should ensure a decent-sized room in Trinners. 3 Or a standard €11,590 place in Roebuck Castle. 4 If there are any difficulties with your Susi application, simply contact the Higher Education Minister’s office – she’ll definitely sort you out… Read more »

August 22, 2019 Craic & Codology

Transfer deadline latest Wayne Dundon has moved from Segregated Cell to Solitari Confinement. Although he remains in the Mountjoy Major League, Limerick-born Dundon is reported to be unhappy with the move, saying, “I was very content where I was. There was a great atmosphere in the dressing room surrounded by the likes of Simmy Carde… Read more »

August 22, 2019 Craic & Codology

Comedy Veteran performer Brendan Howlin draws on newly recycled material dealing with such daily challenges as pissing against the wind and rising from the grave. Hilarious segment on putting faith in the Labour Party. The Spoken Word Hear RTÉ wordsmith Dee Forbes defy the conventional boundaries of rhyme and reason as she reflects on the… Read more »

August 22, 2019 Craic & Codology

A reading from the Book of Doom (Plugs 1:6 – 21) And in the 19th year, the Angel Politico didst appear and verily asketh of a simple man, known as Simon of Harris, who didst claim to be a great healer, ‘Wouldst thou liketh to lead your people?’ And a great joy filled Simon’s heart… Read more »

August 22, 2019 Craic & Codology

Is it just me or does anyone else have a massive issue with beginning an article with “Is it just me”? “Is it just me” were actually the first words I uttered for the whole of my first month. I took that phrase and milked it for all it was worth. I was brilliant at… Read more »

July 25, 2019 Craic & Codology

Britain’s future politico tells it like it isn’t WHAT A week with Bojo going head to head with old Jeremy Hunt, my formal rival-in-arms – who is really a pretty decent chap when all’s said and done! So, it’s all go in Downing Street again, shoulder to shoulder with the Huntmester in a spanking new… Read more »