CORONA STYLE CORNER
March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology
18th century fashion to make dramatic return Still wondering how to maintain social distancing now that we are being ruled by King Covid the 19th? Look no further than the Court of Versailles in the mid 18th century, says social media influencer Golly Gosh. “From the mid 18th century, the fashions maximised your circumference, rather… Read more »
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FRONT RUNNERS FOR JOE BIDEN RUNNING MATE
March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology
Uncle Joe here (Where have I heard that name before? Ed.) Now that I’ve clawed the Democratic candidacy from the leftist hands of Sanders, I’ll introduce you to the lovely ladies that I’m considering as my running mate. Annie Boddies: The former Ms Texas Barbecutie is hugely knowledgeable on foreign affairs, having had several with… Read more »
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WOMAN EXPECTING SECOND BABY
March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology
Exclusive to all Tabloids In a sensational press release that has sent shock waves throughout Ireland’s celebrity world, a woman who already has one young child revealed that she is pregnant again. On Other Pages: Full colour pics of blonde woman in bikini – p2-7 Readers experiencing nausea and morning sickness – p8-23 World as… Read more »
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SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3806
March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology, Spot the Difference
Joe Biden Donald Trump Man who was vice president Man who has many vices Served with Barack Obama Always barracking about Obama Lives in Delaware Lives in his own reality Presumptive nominee Presumed to have colluded with Russia No spring chicken Only eats fried chicken Will campaign in rust belt Regularly caught with pants down… Read more »
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4 ESSENTIAL QUESTIONS ANSWERED ABOUT COVID-19
March 12, 2020 Craic & Codology
How worried should I be about the virus? We are still in the early stages of identifying successful treatments for the virus. In the absence of a vaccine, an overabundance of information is the next best thing. You should endeavour to consume as many fear-mongering, hyperbolised articles to help inoculate yourself against complacency. How dangerous… Read more »
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GIANT HAND-GEL DISPENSING FLOAT UNVEILED AHEAD OF PATRICK’S DAY PARADE
March 12, 2020 Craic & Codology
The HSE has revealed its proposed float for the Patrick’s Day parade – a vast grain silo, adapted to fit thousands of gallons of hand gel affixed to the back of a former missile-carrier, purchased from an ex-Soviet state. The vehicle was intended to shower any nearby crowds with anti-bacterial gel to try to nullify… Read more »
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TV PREVIEW: THE GUARDS – INSIDE THE SQUAD
March 12, 2020 Craic & Codology
Episode 2: When the chips are down Fascinating insight into how Ireland’s finest deal with tragedy as a sudden braking manoeuvre causes an entire chicken supper and French fries to scatter on to the floor and between the seats. It’s a race against time before the cold air renders them unpalatable. The situation calls for… Read more »
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ARMAGEDDON OUTTAHERE!
March 12, 2020 Craic & Codology
Eoghan Harass Talk about crypto-fascist chickens coming home to roost! Everything I predicted about the Satanic Shinners is coming to pass. The warning signs were there in the run-up to the recent election. Massive murals of Mary Lou McDonald and her conniving associates suddenly appeared overnight, making our capital look ominously like Pyongyang. Over recent… Read more »
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HSE EXPECTS SURGE IN CASES
March 12, 2020 Craic & Codology
“The number of people infected with the virus has been roughly doubling week by week in most affected countries,” said health minister Simon Harris. “Now, I’ll be the first to admit that maths isn’t my forte,” he continued, unveiling a hastily constructed graph, “But if this rate of exponential growth continues, within approximately 10 weeks,… Read more »
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NEW EURO PLAYOFF SHOCK
March 12, 2020 Craic & Codology
By Emmet Baloney Amid speculation that Ireland’s crunch Euro playoff against Slovakia may have to be played behind closed doors due to coronavirus fears, there is now additional concern that Ireland may not turn up for the fixture. However, team boss Mick ‘Big Mick’ McCarthy has dismissed rumours that the team’s possible no-show is linked… Read more »
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GOLD CUP CHELTENHAM FRONTRUNNERS
March 12, 2020 Craic & Codology
Goldhawk examines some of the favourites for this year’s Cheltenham festival: The Pianist Owned by Ireland’s most high-profile powerless couple, Frank McNamara and Theresa Lowe. The Pianist has been having a complete ‘mare over recent years and still has many hurdles to face. Verdict: Don’t bet the house on him. Are You Right There Michael… Read more »
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SIR BOB’S…YAWN…UPCOMING MEMOIRS
March 12, 2020 Craic & Codology
May 1952 Speaking as an angry baby, I am utterly disgusted by the total power imbalance apropos all these corrupt parental establishment fookers. I may know little about the world per se, but I know what it’s like to be bald and helpless, so I will make my presence felt day and night by non-stop… Read more »
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PAPAL BULL(ETIN)
February 27, 2020 Craic & Codology
Greetings from your ultra-liberal Pontiff. What freak weather events for the flock in Ireland. Yes, it is rare for God to comment on political matters, but I can tell you that he has verily expressed his views at the awful post-election tedium. But why have voters turned away from the Earl of Ross? An all-round… Read more »
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MY BRILLIANT CAREER – SHANE ROSS
February 27, 2020 Craic & Codology
Extracts from the upcoming ‘tell all’ book about political life in Ireland April 2011 – I was barely inside Leinster House when Enda came begging for my advice on running the country. Despite his countless limitations, Kenny sensed that I had the necessary flair to rescue Ireland’s richest citizens from the doldrums. July 2016 –… Read more »
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CRISIS LOOMS FOR IRELAND’S BEST OPINION COLUMNISTS
February 27, 2020 Craic & Codology
Since the election there has been much political hand-wringing over the plights of assorted vulnerable groups, including cash-strapped renters, the cash-strapped homeless and the cash-strapped homed. However, among the pleas for parties to set aside their petty differences and form a government, it seems that the fate of one exposed but absolutely essential minority is… Read more »
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HARRIS’S CORONAVIRUS MESSAGE
February 27, 2020 Craic & Codology
A continuing threat to the elderly and infirm that shows no signs of disappearing – that’s right, my tenure as health minister continues. Unfortunately, it thus falls to me to lead our response to the spread of the Coronavirus. Affected countries are saying their hospitals are overcrowded, their resources stretched to breaking point, with widespread… Read more »
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IRFU’S CUNNING PLAN
February 27, 2020 Craic & Codology
Following Ireland’s drubbing at the hands of the English, head coach Andy Farrell has conceded a new approach is needed. As such, the IRFU has decided to contract Bono as an ambassador and will be sending him to visit all upcoming opponents. “Morale in our camp was decimated after his visit,” explained Farrell. “It’s also… Read more »
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‘BRENDAN O’CONNOR IS THE FUTURE,’ SAYS RTÉ
February 27, 2020 Craic & Codology
RTÉ bosses say the recruitment of journalist Brendan O’Connor to replace the late Marian Finucane and to present a new TV panel show next summer “is clear evidence that the station is meeting the demands of younger audiences”. A spokesperson for O’Connor said, “Brendan is one cool daddy-o! Sure, he wears his suit with an… Read more »
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SHIP RUNS AGROUND IN IRELAND
February 27, 2020 Craic & Codology
Desperate efforts are continuing to re-float a bulk carrier that hit the rocks in the Emerald Isle. Reports say the carrier, known as the MV (Mostly Vacuous) Labour Party, came to grief after being all at sea for several years. “It was being towed along by a larger rust bucket the Finegael, but they became… Read more »
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IS THIS YATES’ FINAL POEM?
February 27, 2020 Craic & Codology
I will arise and go now And go to AIB And settle a small dispute there That will save me financially And I shall have some peace then No more Virgin or TV3 Or shouting abuse at panelists Sure, t’was always about me.
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PIPPA O’CONNOR’S CORONAVIRUS STYLE GUIDE
February 26, 2020 Craic & Codology
It’s funny how fads change from season to season. This time last year everyone was raving about animal prints; now it’s all about the Coronavirus. You can’t go a minute without hearing talk about it. Well, don’t worry, I’ve got the inside tips on how to look Corona-chic. Diamond-Encrusted Surgical Mask Featuring 12 diamonds, this… Read more »
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MARY LOU EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW
February 13, 2020 Craic & Codology
by Groan Harris With our nation still mourning the demise of our perfectly functioning two-party political system, I sat down with Sinn Féin’s Mary Lou McDonald to discuss their electoral success. Groan Harris: Were you as shocked as I was to see how well Sinn Féin performed? Mary Lou: Honestly, it came as something of… Read more »
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JOHN BLANDVILLE: QUEEN FLED TO STALINGRAD TO ESCAPE RURAL IRELAND DURING WW2
February 13, 2020 Craic & Codology
John Blandville’s latest book proposes a pet theory that the Queen and Princess Margaret were forced to flee from rural Ireland during the Second World War. Having briefly been sequestered in Tipperary to escape the Blitz, the royal children demurred, saying they felt as if they’d been “cast out of the frying pan and into… Read more »
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ASTRAL PHENOMENON EXPLAINED
February 13, 2020 Craic & Codology
By U Ranus Astronomers have reassured the public that a ‘blue moon’ sighted over London last week is not a portent of doom and disaster. Thousands of consumers had been stocking up on vital supplies amidst fears that the deep blue orb in the sky signalled the gods’ plans to take revenge for some major… Read more »
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SAINT VALENTINE’S DAY TOUGH LOVE MESSAGES
February 13, 2020 Craic & Codology
John Delaney to FAI Our parting was so cruel and swift Though some ghouls found it funny I‘d not survive being cast adrift Had I not got your money! ♥♥♥♥♥ Joe Brolly to RTÉ Words were said, assertions made And I misused my tongue But I called every spade a spade And for that my… Read more »
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EAMONN HOLMES COMES OUT AS ‘JEALOUS OF PHILIP SCHOFIELD’S PUBLICITY’
February 13, 2020 Craic & Codology
Eamonn Holmes has revealed his struggle to come to terms with the amount of publicity Phillip Schofield has been receiving lately. “As an occasional presenter of This Morning, I thought I’d grown used to living in Phil’s shadow,” wrote Holmes in an emotional Instagram post. Yet, he went on to describe how he now feels… Read more »
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ENGLAND TO SECEDE FROM SIX NATIONS RUGBY
February 13, 2020 Craic & Codology
By our rugby correspondent Sal R E Capp The RFU has announced that the England rugby team will withdraw permanently from the Six Nations Championship with immediate effect. “We decided that we will no longer abide by the rules of rugby as played by the other five nations. We will in future make up our… Read more »
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ELECTION 2020 OSCARS
February 13, 2020 Craic & Codology
Least-supportive candidate: Catherine Noone Most animated short: Brendan Howlin Best fantasy screenplay: Each party’s housing promises In memoriam: Regina Doherty’s political career
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ALL-PURPOSE ELECTION POST-MORTEM
February 13, 2020 Craic & Codology
EXCLUSIVE TO ALL POLITICAL PARTIES 1. The Six Nations diverted voters from the one outstanding election issue facing the country – namely, giving their first preferences to (insert party name here). 2. The media were completely against us from the start. 3. A lot of our traditional hard-core supporters seemed to be away on holidays… Read more »
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ELECTION 2020 – MESSAGE FROM LEO VARADKAR
January 30, 2020 Craic & Codology
Spring is in the air and there is surely a spring in the step of every Irish citizen, as it’s election season. While touring across Ireland during this campaign, I have been greeted by hundreds of people on the streets. I will admit that, due to our policies, many of them are living there –… Read more »
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ELECTION 2020 – AN ELECTION FOR ALL*
January 30, 2020 Craic & Codology
Ireland is a nation of people with long memories – specifically, people who are likely to remember what happened before 2011. Unfortunately, many of these are unlikely to vote Fianna Fáil. That’s why we are happy, following an extensive consultation with a company specialising in public relations and reputation salvage, to declare that we are… Read more »
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ELECTION LEXICON
January 30, 2020 Craic & Codology
Candidate: Brash stranger with inane grin who ruins your evening Party policy: Aspirational promise to do something that will never happen Cabinet: Large cupboard stocked with alcohol to blot out election nausea PR: Official party manifesto Doorstep pledge: Patent untruth Baby: Useful prop for candidate’s photo opportunity Manifesto: Literary term including fiction and fantasy genres… Read more »
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ELECTION 2020 POSTERS
January 30, 2020 Craic & Codology
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GANG WAR ERUPTS ACROSS NATION
January 30, 2020 Craic & Codology
Ireland is on near lockdown as a vast gangland feud spreads rapidly across the country. The escalation in the war of words and empty threats is a result of a renewed battle for national supremacy among Ireland’s leading gangs. Numerous smaller factions have been drawn into the conflict, but the primary participants are the notorious… Read more »
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‘TIME TO TAKE THESE MARAUDING GANGS OFF OUR STREETS’
January 30, 2020 Craic & Codology
By Ava Go and Phil E Buster Outraged communities living in fear are today calling for ‘zero tolerance’ of these ruthless gangs brazenly plying their trade on the streets of the country’s towns and villages. The calls come amid growing concerns that many people now feel trapped in their homes for fear of being caught… Read more »
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MARIJUANA USE PLUMMETS OVER NEGATIVE ASSOCIATIONS
January 30, 2020 Craic & Codology, Uncategorized
The one point of optimism through this escalating crisis has been the news that marijuana usage throughout the country has plummeted due to a recent spate of negative publicity. “Sure the government has tried all sorts to try to stamp out drugs in Ireland,” said one drug dealer. “They’ve failed every step of the way…. Read more »
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