Category: Craic & Codology

BEST EVER LEAVING CERT RESULTS PREDICTED

April 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

by Our Education Staff – Phil Boxes In an attempt to counteract accusations that the delayed 2020 Leaving Cert exams will be dumbed down, the Minister for Education today released a specimen paper to show that the standard was “as high as ever, if not even higher”. English: Higher Level (Multiple Choice) Candidates may use… Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

GOVERNMENT READY TO GIVE YOUTH ITS FLING!

April 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

LIFTING THE RESTRICTIONS – EXCLUSIVE Following pressure from cash-strapped publicans, the government has decided to allow pubs to only open to young people initially. This will allow teenagers, who walked away from their €80 per week part-time jobs for the €350 per week Covid-19 unemployment payouts, to spend their spare cash in their local. Just… Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

DOCTOR LEO SCRUBS UP AGAIN

April 9, 2020 Craic & Codology

With the HSE fighting to contain the Covid-19 outbreak, hundreds of former medical professionals have rejoined the struggling organisation. “We are grateful for any additional help. However, it’s safe to say that some returning staff are more welcome than others,” said one hospital porter, glancing across at a nearby Leo Varadkar wrestling himself into some… Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

Ó RÍORDÁIN DISGUSTED BY LABOUR LEADERSHIP RESULTS

April 9, 2020 Craic & Codology

It’s a disgrace. Over the last few weeks one person has clearly proven themselves to be the future of the Labour Party – Leo Varadkar. While Kelly and I have been dithering over who should take over the party, Vlad has rolled out the most generous social welfare package in Irish history, overseen the public… Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

HOME-SCHOOLING BOOTCAMP WITH KATHRYN THOMAS

April 9, 2020 Craic & Codology

The coronavirus outbreak offers a great opportunity to help kids develop new skills in a caring family setting. By following these simple guidelines, your children will soon be enjoying a magical learning adventure. 1 -Discipline Learning won’t ever take place without proper control. Above all, young people need to understand boundaries. While physical punishment will… Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

HOW LONG WILL IT LAST?

April 9, 2020 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Staff Phil Page As Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil edge closer to agreement on a programme for government, every journalist in the country is now asking the same question: Will this filler piece about the new coalition run out of steam before it starts or has it any chance of continuing? For the… Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

TV REVIEW

April 9, 2020 Craic & Codology

Keys To My Life (RTÉ) The great and the glorious of Irish life take a trip down memory lane by humbly revisiting their former residences. Highlights include: Eamon Dunphy returning to Lillie’s Bordello, where he renews acquaintances with the liggers who welcomed him home at night for many years. Bono revisiting the stable where he… Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

SHANE ROSS DIARY EXTRACT

April 9, 2020 Craic & Codology

Until now, my proudest moment has undoubtedly been the re-opening of my beloved Stepaside Garda Station – closely followed by the births of my two children. Now, in this time of crisis, I can proudly say I’ve risen to the occasion. I have repeatedly offered my services to Minister Harris and his reply has been… Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3807

April 9, 2020 Craic & Codology, Spot the Difference

Kenny Rogers Leo Varadkar Famous for The Gambler Famous for election gamble Sang Islands in the Stream Shutdown Ireland’s industry Popular country singer Unpopular down the country Talented tennis player Always causing a racket Distinctive shirts Planning hair-shirt budgets Friends with Dolly Parton Only works 9 to 5

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

TV PREVIEW

April 9, 2020 Craic & Codology

RTÉ has given us a sneak peak to some upcoming changes to its Home School Hub scheduling 11:10 McClean’s History Ireland ace James McClean examines the infamous Battle of Balaclava, which many historians believe was the pivotal turning point during the Crimean War in 1854. 11:30 Maths with Miriam Miriam O’Callaghan shows children how much… Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

“MORE EFFECTIVE” FACE SHIELDS TO BE ISSUED TO GARDAÍ

April 9, 2020 Craic & Codology

In light of recent incidents that have seen people coughing and spitting at gardaí in the street, the government has decided to issue “improved” versions of face shields as an added deterrent to would-be spitters. The new face shields consist of a holographic visor capable of displaying one of several sterner faces. The mask comes… Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

MORE CELEBS REVEAL WAYS TO STAY FIT DURING VIRUS CRISIS

April 9, 2020 Craic & Codology

If – like me – your cleaner, gardener and even your cook say they’re now unable to come to your house to fulfil their duties, you might feel stranded. Rather than embracing squalor, it turns out that rudimentary chores are actually a real, back-breaking slog! So don’t let the absence of your service staff stop… Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

RTÉ SHEDS REVIEW

April 9, 2020 Craic & Codology

RTÉ has unveiled over 100 individual ‘presenting sheds’, with the hope of preventing more broadcasters from contracting Covid-19. The plan is for each contracted RTÉ presenter to be housed in an individual hutch, fitted with cameras and microphones, for the duration of the pandemic. Food and water will be dispensed at regular intervals, with each… Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

CARTOONS 3806-01

March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

CARTOONS 3806-02

March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

CARTOONS 3806-03

March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

CARTOONS 3806-04

March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

CARTOONS 3806-05

March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

CARTOONS 3806-06

March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

CARTOONS 3806-07

March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

CARTOONS 3806-08

March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

CARTOONS 3806-10

March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

CARTOONS 3806-11

March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

CARTOONS 3806-12

March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

CARTOONS 3806-13

March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

CARTOONS 3806-09

March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

OZONE 3806

March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology, Ozone

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

FESTY O’SEMTEX 3806

March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology, Festy O'Semtex

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

CARTOONS 3806-14

March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

VARADKAR READDRESSES THE NATION

March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology

Citizens of Ireland, Greetings again. You might notice the change in background of this broadcast. Well, I’m currently self-isolating in my Shomera. I have recently had it varnished and the fumes are still very, very strong, so I will be brief. Senior doctors advised me to cocoon, to protect me from exposure to more criticism…. Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

PANDEMIC LEXICON

March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology

Covid-19: New respiratory virus; it is caused by a germ known as coronavirus. Cronyvirus: Sickening political practice where close associates are appointed to positions of authority, despite their obvious lack of qualifications. Self-isolation: State of near total seclusion, often experienced by RTÉ late-afternoon radio presenters. Shelf-isolation: Removal of all soap, sanitiser gel, pasta etc from busy… Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

THE LEO-LECTRIC KETTLE

March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology

Why wait until it’s all over? Buy the Covid-19 memento that everyone will want NOW and ensure that you, your children and your children’s genetically adjusted test-tube children have the ultimate keepsake for the future when the crisis is fondly recalled! Our ‘Leo-lectric’ kettles do not merely bear the full text of the Taoiseach’s Churchillian… Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

NEW SANITISER CRISIS

March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology

A new crisis has emerged due to the number of sanitised speeches and press releases coming from the government. It is believed that Paschal Donohoe, Regina Doherty and Heather Humphreys are among those infected. “We’re currently advising people to avoid any media appearances made by these individuals,” warned a HSE official. “Stay at least six… Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

HOME ALONE!

March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology

Agony uncle Jack Torrance’s guide to quarantine with your family Day 1 It’s good to be emotionally prepared for these extended periods in familiar surroundings, but nothing beats spending quality time with loved ones. A rare opportunity to combine working from home, a little gardening and really getting to know your soulmate and children, who… Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

FINE GAEL JIGSAW

March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology

Make your time in quarantine a quaran-dream with this licensed Fine Gael jigsaw. Help put these men, usually in pieces themselves, back together. Jigsaws are proven to help alleviate: Anxiety Stress Existential fear of society as we know it disintegrating To be in with a chance of winning your own monogrammed ventilator, send a photo… Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber

HARRIS SAVES THE DAY

March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology

“We must all ask ourselves what we can do to help one another,” said Simon Harris at a press conference called to address the shortages of toilet paper. “After some reflection I realised what I could do, as health minister, to provide the greatest assistance.” Harris then unveiled a roll of toilet paper, each sheet… Read more »

To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.

Get access to The Phoenix online for as low as €1.50 per week. Read all the regular online only Phoenix stories AND receive the packed digital edition every fortnight (25 per year). Great value for so many inside stories!

Subscribe Now! I'm a Subscriber