September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

The FAI has praised the nascent revolution that is under way following Stephen Kenny’s first games in charge. An FAI spokesperson said of this new beginning, “Irish football has, for a long time, been perceived as straightforward and pragmatic to a fault – in short, completely at odds with the chaos that characterises the FAI…. Read more »

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

Week 1: Classic Back Tracking: How I switched directions on journeys like ‘Raising women’s rights with the Saudis’, ‘Army to protect banks’, ‘John McNulty appointment’ etc etc etc… Week 2: Rich Memories: The role and roll of the gravy train in Irish politics and how I ignored repeated calls to get on my bike instead…. Read more »

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

Minister for Education Norma Batty has insisted that bubbles are working, pointing to the government’s complete detachment from reality as an example. “Government TDs happily live in their own world and are totally isolated from everyday life,” she beamed. “I would go as far as to say it’s a completely impenetrable bubble – I ran… Read more »

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

Minister for Education Norma Foley has said that she’s proud her department did not make the UK’s mistake in profiling schools to calculate Leaving Cert results. “Money doesn’t equate to intelligence,” declared Ms Foley. “I’ve always said that rich kids can be just as thick as anyone else – sometimes thicker.” Seeking to allay fears… Read more »

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

Gardaí have issued a warning over an elaborate scam that involves government ministers attempting to convince the public of the brilliant job they are doing during the pandemic. People from every age group have fallen victim to the ruse, having been convinced by legitimate-looking politicians appearing on Prime Time. “People shouldn’t trust these con artists… Read more »

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

By Emmet Baloney As the countdown continues to Ireland’s crunch Euro playoff with Slovakia next month, new boss Stephen Kenny has insisted he will stick with his radical new approach, which involves players on the team passing the ball to each other. “It’s a concept new to a lot of the lads,” said Kenny following… Read more »

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

Hard cheese (like it or lump it) Hot potatoes Serious beef with Licensed Vinters’ Association Stephen Donnelly hamming it up Ministers trying to save their bacon Micheál Martin’s goose cooked Publicans’ heads fried (That’s enough menu – Ed.)

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

There were tears at the gates of the Dáil as TDs were dropped off for the first day of the new political year. Some were spotted clinging to the Kildare Street railings, crying over their truncated summer holidays. However, the sight of familiar faces helped most get over their initial bad tempers and many were… Read more »

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

Government officials have warned about a rampant new outbreak, impacting vast swathes of the population. Virologists have spoken of hordes of journalists roaming the country, relentlessly seeking parents’ opinions on the reopening of schools. “We fear that hundreds, if not thousands, of people have already come into close contact with these content-starved journalists,” said a… Read more »

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

EXCLUSIVE TO ALL NEWSPAPERS The wife of a well-known Irish golfer has recently given birth to a baby girl. Both mother and baby are said to be in good form; the golfer’s form, however, remains a mystery. On Other Pages Full colour pics of blonde wife More pics of golfer’s glamorous ex-girlfriends Readers suffering from… Read more »

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

Hard-pressed publicans across Ireland say this year’s Culture Night celebrations will be “a living lie” unless they are allowed to open their premises for the September 18th event. “Everyone knows that Ireland has a long and colourful tradition of drinking to excess before throwing up on the street and picking fights,” smiled a Sligo bar… Read more »

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

Goldhawk takes a look at some of the storms that could cause havoc here and abroad in the future: Storm Phil This European blowhard recently left Ireland under a massive cloud when its presence in the West resulted in a lot of deadwood becoming permanently uprooted. Will probably have to cross the Atlantic to avoid… Read more »

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

A cairde, You will all be aware of the issue surrounding Deputy [Insert name of culprit here], who unwisely attended/neglected to [Name of event/foul deed] recently, when he/she should not have done. Deputy [Whichever one it is this time] rang me immediately after the matter came to light and offered his/her sincerest apology/resignation over what… Read more »

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

THE DEPARTMENT OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS has warned that if Ireland continues to record growing numbers of Covid cases, then they will have no choice but to remove Ireland from Ireland’s Green List. “We are currently on our own Green List, just,” said Simon Coveney at a press conference. “But be warned, if the Irish government… Read more »

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

Media Circus Some of Montrose’s most famous journalistic faces are tasked with running a fully functioning circus. Join Bryan Dobson as he learns how to throw daggers, watch Miriam O’Callaghan juggle lots of new projects and discover how Ray D’Arcy became a clown. The Italian Job Get ready for yet another avalanche of Italia ’90… Read more »

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

The Department of Health is to organise a new series of podcasts, live-streams and newsletters dedicated to unravelling Stephen Donnelly’s press conferences. An international panel of experts will contribute in the effort to decode the minister’s outpourings. “There was confusion when the minister said 50-person crowds should be kept to a maximum of 20 people,… Read more »

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

By Archie Bargy There was growing anger in the world of Gaelic games last night after the government’s latest Covid-19 measures limited all fist-fights and other acts of savage activity to a maximum of six participants. “It is blatantly obvious that neither this government nor NPHET have any understanding of GAA culture whatsoever,” stormed one… Read more »

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

Starter: Vegetable soup – supposed cream of the crop in Ireland, blitzed to a pulp Main: Calleary’s Mayo mutton chop – to be grilled, then dragged over hot coals Afters: Cheeseboard – will cause a stink OR Just desserts

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

CONCERNED MONTROSE EXECS are “looking for new formats for Ray” due to a reluctance to have two weekend talk shows without an audience on RTÉ. “A man with limitless charisma, a great rapport with audiences and a guaranteed steady hand on the tiller – in the absence of anyone like that available, I suppose we’ll… Read more »

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

Revised guidelines for ministers: 1. Please prepare resignation letter/protest against sacking in advance 2. Limit media controversies to no more than six per day 3. Avoid unnecessary contacts, especially with political correspondents 4. Please carry out deep clean of office before next minister arrives a week from now 5. Try to mask deficiencies and save… Read more »

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

The government is finalising a new roadmap to direct us out of the last one, it has been confirmed. A Department of Health official explained that the latest roadmap will outline the government’s direction for the next six to nine months, when it’s expected several more roadmaps will be required. “The new roadmap will detail… Read more »

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

By Dee Bacle Ireland should brace itself for a fourth, and even fifth and sixth wave of anger and frustration from the government’s directive messages on reducing the number of Covid-19 transmissions, according to experts. The grim advice comes as the latest figures show another half a million people contracted confusion overnight, with a further… Read more »

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

1. Call up a few gorill….er, occupant removal engineers. 2. Don uniforms (ie balaclavas, dark shirts and tricolour emblem, jack boots etc). 3. Inform gardaí you are on the way and will meet them there. 4. On arrival, help tenants to negotiate swift passage from building before placing them upright again on pavement. 5. Reconnect… Read more »

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

Sir, – Private schools are currently facing horrendous challenges, with emergency funding desperately required for essential safety measures such as additional cleaners, luxury hand sanitiser and proper matte paper for the new prospectus. To comply with physical distancing rules, immediate alterations need to be urgently carried out on the 50m indoor pool, golf course and… Read more »

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

Episode 1 Schedule 10am: Are RTÉ over-using the same tired old presenters? 10.15am: A look back at the genius of Claire Byrne Live 10.45am: Those massive RTÉ salaries 10.46am: Where are they now?: Sarah McInerney 11.30am: Did Sean O’Rourke get shafted? 11.31am: Interview with whichever RTÉ staffer was free in the canteen – ideally Kathryn… Read more »

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

by Alma Mater EDUCATION MINISTER Norma Foley has again denied allegations of dumbing down in the grading of this year’s Leaving Cert examinations. Speaking to reporters, Ms Foley said: “Unlike the disastrous UK system which used unreliable guestimates, we have focused on a carefully calculated system ensuring that all students receive only H1 grades. So… Read more »

July 30, 2020 Craic & Codology

Taoiseach Micheál Martin has come under fresh political fire for bragging about his results in a cognitive test, which required him to continually repeat the five words “maintain power at all costs”. Martin took the test after people questioned his mental acuity over appointing Barry Cowen to cabinet. “They say nobody gets it in order,”… Read more »

July 30, 2020 Craic & Codology

There was widespread euphoria at the announcement of a €350 million package to close home-schools by the end of August. “It’s a massive relief,” said one frazzled parent. “The last few months have been a nightmare. When I had children, I wasn’t expecting to have to spend so much time with the damn things.” Question… Read more »

July 30, 2020 Craic & Codology

Suffering stimulus plans! Oh no! Superhero Captain Michel has only 24 hours to save the Eurosphere. But can the soft-spoken EC President ever hope to defeat the iconic Frugal Five, led by Prudent Nether-Man and his thrifty sidekick, Austro-Kurz? Who could ever forget their vicious verbal battles about a post-pandemic recovery package and those long… Read more »

July 30, 2020 Craic & Codology

by Our Economics Staff Phil Paper Following Ireland’s successful appeal in the controversial €13 billion Apple tax case, Irish economic correspondents have revealed details of the huge number of opinion pieces that built up over recent years, albeit attracting little interest. Indeed, since 2016, hundreds of opinion columns had been on standby in an escrow… Read more »