August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

A cairde, You will all be aware of the issue surrounding Deputy [Insert name of culprit here], who unwisely attended/neglected to [Name of event/foul deed] recently, when he/she should not have done. Deputy [Whichever one it is this time] rang me immediately after the matter came to light and offered his/her sincerest apology/resignation over what… Read more »

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

THE DEPARTMENT OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS has warned that if Ireland continues to record growing numbers of Covid cases, then they will have no choice but to remove Ireland from Ireland’s Green List. “We are currently on our own Green List, just,” said Simon Coveney at a press conference. “But be warned, if the Irish government… Read more »

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

Media Circus Some of Montrose’s most famous journalistic faces are tasked with running a fully functioning circus. Join Bryan Dobson as he learns how to throw daggers, watch Miriam O’Callaghan juggle lots of new projects and discover how Ray D’Arcy became a clown. The Italian Job Get ready for yet another avalanche of Italia ’90… Read more »

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

The Department of Health is to organise a new series of podcasts, live-streams and newsletters dedicated to unravelling Stephen Donnelly’s press conferences. An international panel of experts will contribute in the effort to decode the minister’s outpourings. “There was confusion when the minister said 50-person crowds should be kept to a maximum of 20 people,… Read more »

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

Starter: Vegetable soup – supposed cream of the crop in Ireland, blitzed to a pulp Main: Calleary’s Mayo mutton chop – to be grilled, then dragged over hot coals Afters: Cheeseboard – will cause a stink OR Just desserts

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

By Archie Bargy There was growing anger in the world of Gaelic games last night after the government’s latest Covid-19 measures limited all fist-fights and other acts of savage activity to a maximum of six participants. “It is blatantly obvious that neither this government nor NPHET have any understanding of GAA culture whatsoever,” stormed one… Read more »

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

CONCERNED MONTROSE EXECS are “looking for new formats for Ray” due to a reluctance to have two weekend talk shows without an audience on RTÉ. “A man with limitless charisma, a great rapport with audiences and a guaranteed steady hand on the tiller – in the absence of anyone like that available, I suppose we’ll… Read more »

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

Revised guidelines for ministers: 1. Please prepare resignation letter/protest against sacking in advance 2. Limit media controversies to no more than six per day 3. Avoid unnecessary contacts, especially with political correspondents 4. Please carry out deep clean of office before next minister arrives a week from now 5. Try to mask deficiencies and save… Read more »

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

The government is finalising a new roadmap to direct us out of the last one, it has been confirmed. A Department of Health official explained that the latest roadmap will outline the government’s direction for the next six to nine months, when it’s expected several more roadmaps will be required. “The new roadmap will detail… Read more »

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

By Dee Bacle Ireland should brace itself for a fourth, and even fifth and sixth wave of anger and frustration from the government’s directive messages on reducing the number of Covid-19 transmissions, according to experts. The grim advice comes as the latest figures show another half a million people contracted confusion overnight, with a further… Read more »

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

1. Call up a few gorill….er, occupant removal engineers. 2. Don uniforms (ie balaclavas, dark shirts and tricolour emblem, jack boots etc). 3. Inform gardaí you are on the way and will meet them there. 4. On arrival, help tenants to negotiate swift passage from building before placing them upright again on pavement. 5. Reconnect… Read more »

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

Sir, – Private schools are currently facing horrendous challenges, with emergency funding desperately required for essential safety measures such as additional cleaners, luxury hand sanitiser and proper matte paper for the new prospectus. To comply with physical distancing rules, immediate alterations need to be urgently carried out on the 50m indoor pool, golf course and… Read more »

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

Episode 1 Schedule 10am: Are RTÉ over-using the same tired old presenters? 10.15am: A look back at the genius of Claire Byrne Live 10.45am: Those massive RTÉ salaries 10.46am: Where are they now?: Sarah McInerney 11.30am: Did Sean O’Rourke get shafted? 11.31am: Interview with whichever RTÉ staffer was free in the canteen – ideally Kathryn… Read more »

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

by Alma Mater EDUCATION MINISTER Norma Foley has again denied allegations of dumbing down in the grading of this year’s Leaving Cert examinations. Speaking to reporters, Ms Foley said: “Unlike the disastrous UK system which used unreliable guestimates, we have focused on a carefully calculated system ensuring that all students receive only H1 grades. So… Read more »

July 30, 2020 Craic & Codology

Taoiseach Micheál Martin has come under fresh political fire for bragging about his results in a cognitive test, which required him to continually repeat the five words “maintain power at all costs”. Martin took the test after people questioned his mental acuity over appointing Barry Cowen to cabinet. “They say nobody gets it in order,”… Read more »

July 30, 2020 Craic & Codology

There was widespread euphoria at the announcement of a €350 million package to close home-schools by the end of August. “It’s a massive relief,” said one frazzled parent. “The last few months have been a nightmare. When I had children, I wasn’t expecting to have to spend so much time with the damn things.” Question… Read more »

July 30, 2020 Craic & Codology

Suffering stimulus plans! Oh no! Superhero Captain Michel has only 24 hours to save the Eurosphere. But can the soft-spoken EC President ever hope to defeat the iconic Frugal Five, led by Prudent Nether-Man and his thrifty sidekick, Austro-Kurz? Who could ever forget their vicious verbal battles about a post-pandemic recovery package and those long… Read more »

July 30, 2020 Craic & Codology

by Our Economics Staff Phil Paper Following Ireland’s successful appeal in the controversial €13 billion Apple tax case, Irish economic correspondents have revealed details of the huge number of opinion pieces that built up over recent years, albeit attracting little interest. Indeed, since 2016, hundreds of opinion columns had been on standby in an escrow… Read more »

July 30, 2020 Craic & Codology

The leader of one of Ireland’s political parties has admitted that the naked man who was tied to a cross and was having his bare bottom whipped in an adult basement club in Dublin city centre “may have been one of ours”. The party had initially taken the view that the incident was ‘fake news’… Read more »

July 30, 2020 Craic & Codology

This week we take a back stab at Fianna Fáil stew: You will need a large receptacle of troubled water just about up to your neck. Turn up the heat. Chuck in plenty of beef, poor lambs and something fowl, such as snipe or grouse. Next select a few right turnips, tough cheese and sour… Read more »

July 30, 2020 Craic & Codology

Ireland’s new coalition government was under pressure again last night after temporary taoiseach Micheál Martin insisted that a number of destinations traditionally popular with its Fine Gael partners be excluded from the ‘green list’ of places that are okay to revisit. The controversial exemptions include: Timmy Dooley and Niall Collins, Barry Cowen’s drink driving, Brian… Read more »

July 30, 2020 Craic & Codology

by Our Celebrity Baby Staff Matt Ernity There were widespread celebrations last night at the news that former Miss World Rosanna Davison is due to welcome identical twins later this year. Said one tabloid editor, “It’s a dream come true and we’re over the moon. After desperately hoping for some happy news for months, now… Read more »

July 30, 2020 Craic & Codology

Taoiseach (surely ‘Tánaiste’? – Ed) Leo Varadkar has attempted to clear up any remaining confusion around the government’s controversial ‘green list’. “We are advising people to undertake essential travel to non-essential destinations which aren’t on the green list,” said Vlad in his 25th media outing in two days. “Take that holiday, but don’t get on… Read more »

July 30, 2020 Craic & Codology

With pubs set to reopen on August 10, fears have been expressed about the threat posed by so-called “wet politicians”. The phenomenon sees TDs congregate in pubs near the Dáil to whinge incessantly about their political genius going unrecognised. “They’re notorious for spitting out bile in off-the-record briefings,” cautioned one public health expert. “These kind… Read more »

July 30, 2020 Craic & Codology

As the Irish prison service reveals details of its €9,000 installation of Netflix services, some of the nation’s top chancers voice what makes them most likely to tune in: Gimme any documentary with Bertie Ahern in it. Always inspires me to feel I can not only wriggle out of any allegation but I can carry… Read more »

July 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

There were signs of cramp among Ireland’s sports media over the weekend as a great tragedy unfolded and they were forced into extra time. “It was totally out the blue,” said one beleaguered ex-player turned tabloid rent-a-mouth. “We’d only just finished playing our hearts out, tackling all aspects of Italia ’90 nostalgia. We’d said everything… Read more »

July 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

New Taoiseach Micheál Martin has criticised commentators and called for “a bit of perspective” to prevail following criticism of Minister Barry Cowen and MEP Billy Kelleher just weeks into his tenure as leader of a new government. “People have very short memories,” said the Cork man this morning. “They need to see the bigger picture… Read more »

July 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

Imelda Makespeare Ah Dubbalin Me mind is troublin’ Me heart is broken Goin’ from rockabilly To the spoken Woord. Do not go gentle Into that good night, Instead of a band to Send you home sweatin’ What you’re gettin’ Is this poetry shite. Street poems, have yis No homes to go to? U2, Me Too,… Read more »

July 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

A controversial tell-all memoir written by Mary Trump, niece of President Donald Trump, claims he is an “ignorant racist and sexist megalomaniac who threatens the life of every American”. INSIDE Pope is spiritual leader of the worldwide Catholic Church – p4 Most bears said to excrete in forests – p5 Varadkar and Coveney want to… Read more »

July 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

Mon: The media keep asking exactly what I think of Micheál. So I always tell them that everyone deserves a chance. I also explain that when I said in April 2017 Micheál was a spineless nonentity dragging our once-proud party towards oblivion, what I was trying to say was that he was a man of vision… Read more »

July 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

Minister for Drugs Frank Feighan has doubled down on his claims that RTÉ is full of “cocaine snorters”. The Fine Gael TD made the sensational allegations having watched RTÉ over a 24-hour period recently. The Sligo/Leitrim representative pointed to the return of Killinaskully, the proliferation of property programmes and the broadcasting of 20-year-old Champions League… Read more »

July 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

The national broadcaster has come under criticism after the exorbitant running costs of its fleet of vehicles were revealed. An RTÉ insider conceded that “many of our main vehicles, such as Winning Streak, are admittedly old, worn and are being driven into the ground.” The broadcaster has acknowledged that, after many years of service, several… Read more »

July 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

Irish politics has been plunged into turmoil after a 24-hour period in which Fianna Fáil didn’t find itself mired in controversy. The development comes as a major setback to the party following the Barry Cowen and Billy Kelleher sagas. “I would like to apologise for failing to uphold the standards the people of this country… Read more »

July 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

Daniel Kinahan issued a statement yesterday denying that he is, or ever has been, a member of the Kinahan Family of Criminals (KFC). “I have only ever been a member of the Kinahan Boxing Family,” he said, “although I do support their [KFC] stated objective of a United Family – uniting them with millions of… Read more »

July 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

Goldhawk spoke to some famous faces to get their thoughts on the new Covid tracker app Barry Cowen I feel a deep sense of humiliation that it has taken me over 30 years to get this thing on to my phone. Like many of my generation, I adopted a wait-and-see attitude and I apologise for… Read more »