September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Staff Noah Deal BRITISH Prime Minister Boris Johnson last night lashed out at reports that the UK still intended to override the Brexit withdrawal agreement. “All this hysteria about yours truly flaunting international law and flying in the face of so-called trade deal thingies with our Europhobic friends is absolute tosh and… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

In what’s being described as a workplace revolution, many TDs won’t be remotely interested in what’s happening during the new Dáil term. Instead, they are expected to remain in their second homes and chalk up massive expenses during their occasional forays into Dublin. “It makes sense as most of these lads have been phoning it… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

By our political correspondent Max Pointz Taoiseach and former teacher Micheál Martin has announced that, following the relative success of calculated grades in messing up this year’s Leaving Cert results, the government intends to trial the controversial process for voting in the next general election. How will it work? Instead of the single transferable vote,… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

No 37: The Dublin drinking den These once proliferate shelters were long regarded as havens for a plethora of fowl company and fly-by-nights, including same owl bores, vulture-funders, complete bustards, loons, loud swallows and absolute tits. However, a controversial approach by government has seen policy implemented to keep popular watering holes inaccessible. This has caused… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

To celebrate the launch of the Dublin Theatre Festival, Goldhawk previews some of the hottest performances at this year’s event Leo and Micheál Contemporary reworking of the tragic biblical tale of feuding siblings Cain and Abel. Two bloodless brothers fight it out for political dominance and relevance. Expect a very stage-managed performance from one of… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

As we prepare to head into the flu season, as a medical professional – have I mentioned I’m a doctor as well as everybody’s fav pandemic taoiseach? – I have developed a special glossary to help explain some medical mumbo jumbo. Needle Implement used to administer vaccines, which involves poking and prodding at someone until… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

Johnson shouted “Up the RA” (Royal Academy? – Ed) as the men left court By our EU correspondent Hans Cuft Two accused men – Lewis Brandon and Bojo Johnson – from Parliament Street, Borris, Co Tipperary presented what the judge referred to as “a most unusual plea” in a recent case involving billions of euro… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

Exclusive to all tabloids A former rock musician who was in a Manchester band during the 1990s has complained that wearing a face mask is a violation of his civil liberties. Meanwhile, people who are worried about Covid-19 have reacted by trying to remember some of the band’s awful songs. On Other Pages Bonehead claims… Read more »

September 23, 2020 Craic & Codology

Charles Manson – good or bad? Ebola outbreaks – positive or negative? Genocide – are you for or against? Do I tweet too much rubbish – yes or no? Are RTÉ presenters overpaid – yes or definitely?

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

The FAI has praised the nascent revolution that is under way following Stephen Kenny’s first games in charge. An FAI spokesperson said of this new beginning, “Irish football has, for a long time, been perceived as straightforward and pragmatic to a fault – in short, completely at odds with the chaos that characterises the FAI…. Read more »

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

Week 1: Classic Back Tracking: How I switched directions on journeys like ‘Raising women’s rights with the Saudis’, ‘Army to protect banks’, ‘John McNulty appointment’ etc etc etc… Week 2: Rich Memories: The role and roll of the gravy train in Irish politics and how I ignored repeated calls to get on my bike instead…. Read more »

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

Minister for Education Norma Batty has insisted that bubbles are working, pointing to the government’s complete detachment from reality as an example. “Government TDs happily live in their own world and are totally isolated from everyday life,” she beamed. “I would go as far as to say it’s a completely impenetrable bubble – I ran… Read more »

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

Minister for Education Norma Foley has said that she’s proud her department did not make the UK’s mistake in profiling schools to calculate Leaving Cert results. “Money doesn’t equate to intelligence,” declared Ms Foley. “I’ve always said that rich kids can be just as thick as anyone else – sometimes thicker.” Seeking to allay fears… Read more »

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

Gardaí have issued a warning over an elaborate scam that involves government ministers attempting to convince the public of the brilliant job they are doing during the pandemic. People from every age group have fallen victim to the ruse, having been convinced by legitimate-looking politicians appearing on Prime Time. “People shouldn’t trust these con artists… Read more »

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

By Emmet Baloney As the countdown continues to Ireland’s crunch Euro playoff with Slovakia next month, new boss Stephen Kenny has insisted he will stick with his radical new approach, which involves players on the team passing the ball to each other. “It’s a concept new to a lot of the lads,” said Kenny following… Read more »

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

Hard cheese (like it or lump it) Hot potatoes Serious beef with Licensed Vinters’ Association Stephen Donnelly hamming it up Ministers trying to save their bacon Micheál Martin’s goose cooked Publicans’ heads fried (That’s enough menu – Ed.)

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

There were tears at the gates of the Dáil as TDs were dropped off for the first day of the new political year. Some were spotted clinging to the Kildare Street railings, crying over their truncated summer holidays. However, the sight of familiar faces helped most get over their initial bad tempers and many were… Read more »

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

Government officials have warned about a rampant new outbreak, impacting vast swathes of the population. Virologists have spoken of hordes of journalists roaming the country, relentlessly seeking parents’ opinions on the reopening of schools. “We fear that hundreds, if not thousands, of people have already come into close contact with these content-starved journalists,” said a… Read more »

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

EXCLUSIVE TO ALL NEWSPAPERS The wife of a well-known Irish golfer has recently given birth to a baby girl. Both mother and baby are said to be in good form; the golfer’s form, however, remains a mystery. On Other Pages Full colour pics of blonde wife More pics of golfer’s glamorous ex-girlfriends Readers suffering from… Read more »

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

Hard-pressed publicans across Ireland say this year’s Culture Night celebrations will be “a living lie” unless they are allowed to open their premises for the September 18th event. “Everyone knows that Ireland has a long and colourful tradition of drinking to excess before throwing up on the street and picking fights,” smiled a Sligo bar… Read more »

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

Goldhawk takes a look at some of the storms that could cause havoc here and abroad in the future: Storm Phil This European blowhard recently left Ireland under a massive cloud when its presence in the West resulted in a lot of deadwood becoming permanently uprooted. Will probably have to cross the Atlantic to avoid… Read more »