February 25, 2021 Craic & Codology

Healy-Rae TDs are multimillionaires 2-3 Pics of properties and farmland owned by brothers 4-5 Pics of Kerrymen in funny caps 6 Left-wing deputies express outrage 7 ‘Why-oh-why’ letters and tweets 8-9 Pope Francis admits ‘I am RC’ 10 Embarrassed bears confess to woodland evacuation 13

February 25, 2021 Craic & Codology

Green Party activists have called on environment minister Eamon Ryan to delay his plans to implement a tough crackdown on fossil fuels. Under the proposed legislation, flammable materials would be subject to strict regulations and in most cases would disappear overnight. Many party members fear this could have a devastating impact on the Greens, with… Read more »

February 25, 2021 Craic & Codology

An atmosphere of panic prevailed across Ireland last night as news emerged that released convict David Drumm had offered to “lend a hand” to a man painting a door. The incident sent Irish stocks into a nosedive, as tens of thousands of bank customers rushed to withdraw their savings. “It’s our worst nightmare,” said a… Read more »

February 25, 2021 Craic & Codology

Government sources have confirmed there will be no loosening in restrictions until at least May, with ministers not allowed to disappear from RTÉ until they have appeared on every available TV and radio programme. The coalition intends to continue shamelessly spinning its handling of the pandemic, as well as the slow vaccine roll-out and the… Read more »

February 25, 2021 Craic & Codology

This property came to public prominence during the Deval-era. Features include: • Living-cum-games room • Back-burner (overloaded) • Collection of antiques (Labour Party) • Hot air heating (fuelled by chamber debates) • Curtains for Fianna Fáil • Stone walling (Sinn Féin) • Ryancliner’ cosy sleeping chair • Recently expanded printing room • Microwave for reheating… Read more »

February 25, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Stan Back and Rohl Over Health experts at home and abroad have heaped praise on the Irish rugby team for their outstanding example in fighting the spread of Covid-19. “We all know that social distancing is difficult to maintain over long periods,” said one Dublin health expert, “but the Irish players showed it can… Read more »

February 25, 2021 Craic & Codology

RULES Set out to rescue the Princess Latifa Turn off any ‘Mna na Emirates’ quotes Land on nice lunch but miss go if order booze Keep talking about your book and roll again Take a photo with the princess, then tell the media she’s grand and in the loving care of Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid… Read more »

February 25, 2021 Craic & Codology

There will be no wind-down in the amount of Ulster Bank articles being churned out in the Republic of Ireland. Editors have said that business hacks will continue to pen Q&As, boring analysis and essential fillers such as ‘How will the Ulster Bank exit affect my sex life?’ “These articles are money in the bank,”… Read more »

February 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

There has been widespread international condemnation of the government coup in Ireland, with the cut-throat Fianna Fáil junta installing General Mee Hawl Martin as leader. Despite failing to secure an electoral majority amid collapsing support, Martin now heads up a puppet regime controlled by the shadowy Vlad Varadkar. Martin appears regularly on national TV, most… Read more »

February 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

Michael O’Leary to Tony Holohan I know my tantrums cause you pain And leave you quite astounded But deep inside I know you care And that’s what keeps me grounded. Micheál Martin to Leo Varadkar I know we both feel this is wrong I know it feels taboo But I love this bond we’ve made… Read more »

February 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

Penthouse Suite, Waterloo Golfo Deluxe Phil Hogan writes… The fiasco over Europe’s handling of the vaccine roll-out and the climbdown over Article 16 is humiliating for all involved. Without getting into the blame game, Mrs McGuinness and Ursula von Trapp spring to mind straight away. Is it a coincidence or what that everything was game… Read more »

February 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

Ireland – The Land Of Céad Míle Quarantines This summer, why not give your spirits a lift with a holiday in the Emerald Isle? Our 5-star attractions will ensure you have an unforgettable experience, from the moment you are securely locked into your hotel to the day you are let out again. Among the many… Read more »

February 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

HAHAHAHAHAHA Just because the UK has soundly beaten Johnny Foreigner again in getting to the vaccines first does not mean that we need to gloat about it. There’s nothing new about the EU’s soft belly raising its ugly head, of course. Take Ursula VDL, for starters. I mean, who on earth does this seriously deranged… Read more »

February 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

Improve football by banning Lionel Messi. Suspend all Netflix viewing during pandemic. Pubs to remain permanently closed after Covid era. More RTÉ comedy shows. Further pay increases for senior civil servants. (That’s enough Von Der Leyen – Ed.)

February 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

A sensational BBC investigative programme last night revealed that the notorious Kinahan is a bit suspect. ON OTHER PAGES Bear defecates in woods (p6) Pope Catholic (p8) Gardaí launch PR offensive insisting they’re winning against Kinahan cartel (p11)

February 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

Brexit and Covid-19 have resulted in massive delays to packages arriving from the UK. Goldhawk spoke to some famous faces experiencing delivery anxiety: Stephen Donnelly I placed a huge order late last year for some medical supplies from a very credible EU source who has failed to deliver. I’m getting a lot of grief as… Read more »

February 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

Fáilte Ireland is hoping people will take multiple staycations this year, with the tourism body chiefly targeting TDs and senior civil servants. “Election to the Dail is certainly conducive to a life of leisure,” said a spokesman. “This summer should be a boom time for local economies, as deputies pile up tabs around the country… Read more »

February 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Con Dumb, Security Correspondent A crackdown on those who solicit seedy hook-ups is being prepared and will target lobbyists feeling out TDs in and around the Dáil. Intelligence gathered by the gardaí shows an increase in deputies prostituting themselves around major events, such as the passing of legislation affecting big business. “There is some… Read more »

February 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

March: At least 30,000 more excuses from government for delays. April: Mícheál Martin to ramp up media appearances explaining latest failures. May: Leo Varadkar to be rolled out on Prime Time. June: Coalition commits to delivering 50,000 extra press conferences before year-end. July: Country gets another dose of Stephen Donnelly. (That’s enough roll-out – Ed.)

February 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

A woman who has a role in a new Netflix drama series was the subject of countless filler articles in this week’s newspapers. All the stories were about her relationship with her famous father, an ageing Irish rock star. On Other Pages Article about the woman and her famous father – p2 Pics of woman… Read more »

February 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary has strongly rejected accusations of telling ‘scare stories’ and spreading ‘mass hysteria’ to the general public. The allegations came after the mega-rich businessman repeatedly prophesied that his airline would be “operating normally” again by summer. “It’s a very distressing thought”, said a Kerry mother of four, “especially when people’s mental health… Read more »

February 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

An Garda Síochána has accepted a challenge from members of the public to solve some crimes. In a video shared on the official garda social media pages, officers are seen wearing their uniforms and carrying out investigative work. Recently, gangland figures and sundry criminals have been gleefully dancing around the force, apparently with impunity. “Seeing… Read more »

February 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

Health Minister Stephen Donnelly has praised himself for finding a solution to the logistical difficulties surrounding delivery of vaccines to remote GPs. “Ensuring that these vaccines are delivered safely throughout rural Ireland requires an excellently administered supply chain,” said the under pressure minister. “I’ve brilliantly decided to appoint Leo Varadkar to oversee this process. The… Read more »

February 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

by David McWilliams You don’t have to be a star celebrity economist like myself – although it helps, obviously – to know that stock markets are not for faint-hearted day traders. Take the latest GameStop frenzy, for instance – something I’ve been forecasting for decades. Sure, we all love a feelgood story about plucky underdogs… Read more »

January 28, 2021 Craic & Codology

With pressure mounting for the government to introduce strict quarantine measures for people travelling into Ireland, the Catholic Church has lent its support to the idea. “It would obviously be logistically very tricky to find suitable accommodation to quarantine so many people,” said one priest. “Fortunately, we are offering our services to the Irish government…. Read more »

January 28, 2021 Craic & Codology

Public health experts have expressed concern at the variants the Government is offering on the same tired old excuses. The unconvincing explanations are being offered for a variety of abysmal failures, including schools remaining closed, sky-rocketing Covid cases, further leaks and a collapsing health service. “This highly transmissible new strain was first detected during a… Read more »

January 28, 2021 Craic & Codology

Why not snap up a few items of American history! Items include: Boxes of cleaning products (labelled medical supplies) Tanning bed (heavily used) Building materials for a wall (unused) Brochures for Four Seasons Landscaping Boxes of tax records (shredded) Complete collection of Stormy Daniels’ filmography Collection of letters from pen-pal (Kim Jong-un) McDonald’s loyalty card

January 28, 2021 Craic & Codology

• 09:00: The Ryan Tubridy Show Why those massive RTÉ salaries are justified. • 10:00: Today with Claire Byrne Are RTÉ presenters actually underpaid? • 13:45: Liveline Joe Duffy from Ballyfermot tells us his tragic story of struggling to get by on a salary of €390,00. • 15:00: The Ray D’Arcy Show What can you… Read more »

January 28, 2021 Craic & Codology

Junior minister Josepha Madigan has apologised for failing to cause offence during a recent interview. Appearing on RTÉ Radio, Madigan offered clear and articulate views on the reopening of schools for children with additional needs. The interview was met with widespread shock on social media with many calling on the minister to resign. “I wish… Read more »

January 28, 2021 Craic & Codology

GOVERNMENT GUIDE TO HAULIERS ON CUTTING THROUGH RED TAPE 1) Buy heavy-duty scissors. 2) Consult Govt. Safety Guidelines Section 58(a) for correct use of scissors. 3) Apply for Approved Certificate (Level 3) allowing scissors handling at Irish ports. 4) Fill in HGV insurance documentation re legal cover in event of scissors-related injury. 5) Send photocopies… Read more »

January 28, 2021 Craic & Codology

Melania weighs up her career options Write Memoirs All-gold coffee table record vit no need for words of any kind. Visuals only of historic times as First Lady role and third wife. Show I can stand on own foot. As independent totally elegant woman. High end of exclusive market. All top range official pics of… Read more »

January 28, 2021 Craic & Codology

There is mounting pressure for a ban on non-essential travel, as government TDs look to put clear blue water between themselves and a series of gaffes. Deputies are keen not to be seen within a hundred miles of recent calamities involving Norma Foley, Stephen Donnelly and Josepha Madigan, with many taking flight at the first… Read more »

January 28, 2021 Craic & Codology

Cut out and lovingly store all of the Junior Minister’s apologies referencing pupils with special needs. This beautiful binder, tastefully decorated with the official Fine Gael logo, comes with 100 slide-in pockets – enough to last until at least 2022! €20.21 WARNING: Binder does not have zip-up facility. Hurry! While Josepha lasts!  

January 28, 2021 Craic & Codology

My Fellow Americans, a cairde, It is with great pride and a supporting American-made handrail that I stand here before you today with a message for all Americans – not just the ones who voted for me, but also the ones who want to shoot me with an easily acquired firearm, or from their own… Read more »

January 28, 2021 Craic & Codology

By our justice reporter – Sam Quentin Unconfirmed reports from Washington say that ex-President Donald Trump came close to executing his former adviser Steve Bannon during the final days of his presidency. According to sources, Trump became confused between the ‘Presidential Pardons’ paper and the ‘Expedited Executions’ list and mistakenly added Bannon’s name to the… Read more »

January 28, 2021 Craic & Codology

Ireland’s Chief Medical Officer has asked the Irish people to ignore anyone making false and irresponsible claims about vaccinations. Speaking today, Dr Holohan said: “While some people would rather gloss over the severity of this pandemic, we must not allow cheap distractions to make us lose sight of the struggle ahead. As such, the promises… Read more »