May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

by Philip A Website I’m usually seen as a fairly unemotional individual, but that all changed today when my editor asked me to churn out a quick feature piece on Maura Higgins, the former Love Island star. “We’re the only paper without a front-page story on Maura’s gutsy decision to post pics of her grey… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

At long last! Sinn Féin leader Mary Lou McDonald has finally admitted her party’s Abú voter database was not in compliance with data protection laws. This appalling dereliction of duty on the part of Sinn Féin is on a scale we haven’t seen since the Data Protection Commission (DPC) made a number of findings against,… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

Ireland boss Stephen Kenny has praised UEFA’s controversial decision to strip Dublin of its European Championship games. “Giving the Irish fans a taste of decent football could make my job virtually impossible. What if people saw the designated home team scoring goals at the Aviva? They’d soon expect my lot to start doing something similar…. Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

Gardaí across all ranks believe the provision of body cameras will be a ‘game changer’ in resolving disputes and diffusing tense situations between their members and some sections of the community. “Every night dozens of our lads are served stuff in chippers that they didn’t ask for – and then brazenly told that they did!”,… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

MIKE HEADBANGER An advocate of returning to 16th century moral values, he is regarded as being on the more moderate wing of the party. His belief that space aliens roam among us could compromise his position on border checks. JOHN CRACKPOT A member of the more religious, Paisleyite wing of the party, he has sharply… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

With no Euro 2020 games to be played in the Aviva, Goldhawk takes a look at some of the other uses the stadium could be put to. Expanded vaccine distribution centre: With Aviva crowds well used to seeing goals missed, they should accept the inevitable vaccine delays. Sinn Féin data repository: To appease the Irish… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

Share all your intimate problems with Ursula von der Leyen Dear Ursula, I’m still fuming over getting shafted by that Brussels shower just because (I presume) I am a man. I need a way to get my groove back. “Big Phil” H Rather than complaining about being forced to focus on only your enormous gratuity… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

From The Book of Covid, Chapter 19. And lo in the year of 21 there walked amongst the people a man known as Blessed Stephen of Donnelly. And many were filled with fear for a great plague didth trouble the earth. But Stephen said unto the masses: ‘”Fear not, for great is my wisdom and… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Donald Crank A new movie starring Micheál Martin and Leo Varadkar has been widely criticised for stretching credibility to the limit. Wild Oireachtas Types sees the duo play a couple of politicians who are hopelessly out of their depth, and find themselves caught up in a series of far-fetched adventures. People have reacted with… Read more »

April 22, 2021 Craic & Codology

Government parties have jumped to criticise Sinn Féin’s use of a voter database, which it is alleged violates data protection rights of voters. One Fine Gael spokesperson said: “As soon as Leo Varadkar is finished speaking to gardaí regarding his leaking of privileged state documents, he’ll issue a statement expressing his outrage at this alleged… Read more »

April 22, 2021 Craic & Codology

There’s a lot more to Ireland than rolling green hills and friendly faces. For instance, visitors may not be aware that right in the middle of the Irish countryside is Limerick, Europe’s murder capital. Serial killers brandish colourful machetes as drug lords load up their stolen SUVs with bullet-ridden bodies. And what about the capital… Read more »

April 22, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Stephen Donnelly There have been a number of nasty rumours lately calling into question the priorities I set for my department. So, I would like to put it beyond doubt that we are working around the clock to address these concerns. I am therefore delighted to announce that this department will be massively ramping… Read more »

April 22, 2021 Craic & Codology

The introduction of mandatory hotel quarantine has led to numerous bitter court challenges. Golf-aficionado Mr Justice Séamus Woulfe has suggested a number of humanitarian grounds that would justify immunity from hotel quarantine: A quick 18 in Clifden Starring in a national scandal Putting the boot into ‘appalling’ media coverage

April 22, 2021 Craic & Codology

Minister for Sport Jack Chambers today confirmed that quarantine exemptions for elite sports will be examined on a “case-by-case basis”. The announcement was immediately welcomed by Ireland coach Stephen Kenny, who agreed that it was absolutely vital to keep all the visiting national teams in lockdown for as long as possible, “Let’s face it, if… Read more »

April 22, 2021 Craic & Codology

To celebrate President Michael Twee’s 80th birthday, Goldhawk spoke to a number of the country’s First Citizen’s closest admirers: Stephen Donnelly I tweeted out my congratulations to Uachtarán Higgins on reaching such an historic milestone. Unfortunately he didn’t mention me by name in his reply. Joe Biden Michael D and I have so much in… Read more »

April 22, 2021 Craic & Codology

Boot: What we put in on your premium at renewal time Breakdown: What happens to punters when they get their new quote Bonnet: Place where drivers keep a bee after they get the renewal quotation! Oil: Stuff found on our palms. Brakes: What happens to the punter’s spirit when he or she engages in bargaining… Read more »

April 22, 2021 Craic & Codology

There were growing calls last night for the government to suspend the roll-out of government spokespeople on vaccine roll-out changes following reports of adverse reactions within communities. Symptoms among those who have been needled by the process include severe headaches lasting for hours on end, acute pains in the neck and even instances of blood… Read more »

April 22, 2021 Craic & Codology

Good morning Facebook friends! Also just want to say hi to Digital Rights Ireland, Russian troll farms, anyone seeking leaked personal information on Facebook users etc. All go around here – another hectic day ahead dealing with fallout from data hacks, and my numerous requests for personal appearances (Senate hearings and parliamentary committees). And what’s… Read more »

April 22, 2021 Craic & Codology

There has been a major boost for the political sector with the news that non-essential services are to reopen in May. The move means that TDs will once again be free to fill out expense forms and elbow each other out of the way for photo-ops. The relaxing of restrictions on deputies is also likely… Read more »

April 22, 2021 Craic & Codology

Egg: Stuff on the face of Ireland’s international reputation Bacon: What Google brings home to its shareholders Sausage: What the government didn’t get from the arrangement Beans: The things their accountants count Toast: What Google raised to our government Coffee: That stuff Paschal Donohoe doesn’t want Joe Biden waking up and smelling Price: $75bn

April 22, 2021 Craic & Codology

In a wide-ranging and revealing interview on our station, the leader of Sinn Féin was forced into admitting her regret that several other tragic historic events had occurred. Aside from apologising (more or less) for the IRA’s killing of Lord Mountbatten in 1979, Mary Lou McDonald separately appeared to say that she was also sorry… Read more »

April 22, 2021 Craic & Codology

by Our Financial Staff Phil Coffers The proposal from Green Party minister Joe O’Brien for a “one-off solidarity tax” on top earners and firms that were “highly profitable” during the pandemic was immediately welcomed by government colleagues. Speaking on RTÉ’s Mourning Ireland, Tánaiste Leo Varadkar agreed that additional revenue was now more essential than ever…. Read more »

April 22, 2021 Craic & Codology

Man United vice-chairman Joel Greedy has hailed the formation of a controversial new ‘European Filthy Rich League’, which will see 20 of the Continent’s top clubs competing to see who will become the most reviled by football fans. “By bringing together football’s greatest clubs, we can ensure that I’ll become even more wealthy,” said Greedy…. Read more »

April 8, 2021 Craic & Codology

by Phil Pages DUP leader Arlene Foster has indicated that she would emigrate permanently in the event of a unified Irish state. “It’s bad enough that we’ve completely run out of wood pellets up here and the PSNI haven’t jailed a single Shinner yet over the Bobby Storey funeral,” said Mrs Foster, “but now there’s… Read more »

April 8, 2021 Craic & Codology

Irish workers have celebrated a new code, created by Tánaiste Leo Varadkar, legislating for their right to disconnect from work. One harangued IT worker said today: “Finally, politicians are focusing on an area where they’re able to bring genuine expertise. For years, government ministers have been completely disconnected from the public and have been utterly… Read more »

April 8, 2021 Craic & Codology

Some of the more memorable craturs featured on the Derek Mooney’s show on conservation. Fianna Fáíl Widely regarded as pests, these native animals are in dire danger of extinction. While their population has surprisingly rebounded in recent years, various disasters mean they’re likely to be heavily culled by the public before too long. Rural Pubs… Read more »

April 8, 2021 Craic & Codology

The cabinet has confirmed the sale of shoes can resume in the near future, following intense public appeals. One irate commentator said: “Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael have been putting their foot in everything lately and trampling all over their critics. They’ve been falling apart at the seams.” One disgruntled TD remarked: “The government are… Read more »

April 8, 2021 Craic & Codology

by our Sports Staff Owen Goal Ireland boss Stephen Kenny has stepped into the controversy over the latest human rights violations in Qatar: “What the fans don’t realise is that we’re playing the long game in the run-up to the 2022 World Cup – because it’s no accident the lads have gone 11 matches without… Read more »

April 8, 2021 Craic & Codology

A major controversy has erupted after it emerged that a vaccine was recently administered to a member of the public with no known connections. This procedure flies in the face of recently established protocol, under which hospitals and consultants prioritise family members and staff at their kids’ posh private schools. “I apologise unreservedly for this… Read more »

April 8, 2021 Craic & Codology

The government has come under increasing pressure to prioritise vaccinating gardaí, nurses, and teachers first in an effort to suppress the virus: the so-called Copper Face Jacks model. The proprietors of Dublin’s most GAA jersey-friendly nightclub have called on the government to fully commit to the Copper Face Jacks model to allow the club to… Read more »

April 8, 2021 Craic & Codology

Following the bitterly disappointing start to Ireland’s World Cup qualifying campaign, Goldhawk spoke to some prominent personalities about the dire situation. Michael Cullen You have to admire the way Ireland are politely allowing everyone else in the group to skip ahead of them rather than making them wait their turn. I think we can all… Read more »

April 8, 2021 Craic & Codology

Publicity hermit and Dublin lord mayor Hazel Chu has issued an unprecedented attack on the fourth estate. Speaking from the golden parlour in the Mansion House – Chu complained “I’ve only been on two front pages in the past week.” Meanwhile, Chu welcomed the news that a ship carrying 300,000 tonnes of her press clippings… Read more »

April 8, 2021 Craic & Codology

Deliveroo bosses were left tomato-faced after it failed to deliver the goods from a London market yesterday, causing anger and frustration at many dinner tables. “I was looking forward to a tasty return but they never brought home the bacon!”, fumed one crestfallen investor, forced to eat humble pie. “I was told turning a profit… Read more »

April 8, 2021 Craic & Codology

A huge wave of relief swept across Ireland last night after temporary taoiseach Micheál Martin assured the populace that it was now “on the final leg of a horrendous journey”. Although there is some way to go yet, many believe the worst of the plague is over as things could surely not get any worse…. Read more »

April 8, 2021 Craic & Codology

Hey guys – wazzzzup?! Thought I’d try out this groovy new platform all the kids are on. I definitely think it’s the coolest thing since MySpace and Bebo. The first thing I want to talk about is a new phenomenon I’ve noticed lately – all these lame politicians pathetically trying to distract from their government’s… Read more »

March 25, 2021 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Staff Phil Graves TAOISEACH Micheál Martin last night intervened in the controversial Dying with Dignity Bill, which is currently making its way through the Oireachtas. Speaking to reporters at Leinster House, Mr Martin appealed for greater understanding about what he said was a “very sad” issue. “This is a highly sensitive matter… Read more »