July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

Environmentalists have raised concerns about the effectiveness of Eamon Ryan’s plans to restore Ireland’s peatlands to their natural state. It is hoped these measures will eventually benefit some species seemingly under threat, such as the Green toadie, and a number of leeches which attempt to cling to persons of power. One party spokesperson said: “The… Read more »

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

Chapter 13 – Still a good relationship with the Royal Family One feels one must firstly clarify one’s relationship with my father, or as he affectionately asks me to refer to him as, ‘Prince Charles’. Much has been intimated in the sinister British tabloids that Meghan and I came to regard him as a pathetic,… Read more »

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

Book of Quantum Horrific tale about the ritualistic slaughter of innocent consumers by hard-nosed insurance companies and their pathological pursuit of profit. Expect plenty of blood-curdling quotes and comprehensive apathy. Ghosts of Rio Members of the Irish Olympic team complain of being haunted by the ghost of Pat Hickey even though he’s alive and kicking…. Read more »

July 29, 2021 Craic & Codology

Roof about to cave in on coalition Government built on shaky foundations Walls closing in Too many cooks in kitchen and skeletons in closet Ministers too focused on second homes

July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

Ivana Badsh*t’s remarkable, phenomenal and monumental achievement will go down in Irish history – and maybe world history – as the greatest ever victory for a Sandymount worthy. But even more amazing, unbelievable and utterly astounding is that she beat a young man. I put the boot in in this paper a few days before… Read more »

July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

Have you seen this football? It’s been missing since last Sunday. It was expected to come home between 10-11pm, but never arrived. Police say they are looking into reports that “a bunch of foreigners” may have run off with it. “They will face bad penalties if we ever catch up with them” said Inspector Boris… Read more »

July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

Bernard O’Byrne Truly dreadful news for motorists everywhere. I just hope I can avoid car crashes and having to perform tricky U-turns without them in future. Michael O’Leary Good riddance if you ask me; always telling you to steer clear of here, there and everywhere. They’re every bit as bad as those maniacs in Nphet,… Read more »

July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Bert Stone The Tánaiste said efforts to resolve issues surrounding the siting of the country’s new maternity hospital at Elm Park, Dublin, would eventually bear fruit. “There is no way this project is going to be terminated,” assured the Fine Gael leader. Mr Varadkar reassured the public that talks had “not been aborted” and… Read more »

July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

By May A. Culpa Irish television audiences were left frustrated and disappointed yesterday as it emerged there would be no new documentary focusing on Ian Bailey and the murder of Sophie Tuscan de Plantier this week. “It’s a huge disappointment and very suspicious,” said a frustrated barber in Kilkenny. “Surely the gardaí could dig up… Read more »

July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

Finance minister Rascal Donohoe is holding out on the OECD’s new corporate tax deal, insisting that US treasury secretary Janet Yellen and other financial big hitters can be won around to our 0.00001% rate for multinationals. “In not signing up, we are aligned with a small but hugely influential group of countries, including Djibouti, the… Read more »

July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

Run: what to do when somebody tries to hug you Track: similar to tracing, after identifying a new infection Silver: the linings the IOC is looking for in going ahead with the Games Relay: telling somebody else you have Coronavirus Catch: to become infected Shot: measure of vaccination

July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

Vampires Insurance industry Drains your blood Drains your bank balance Flies by night Fly-by-nights Bites in the neck Has some neck Stake driven through heart Heartless stakes for drivers Daylight terrifies Daylight robbery

July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

The government has said it is “100% confident” there will be no Covid cases from a newly announced line-up of pilot concerts; the first of which will see U2 play a gig comprised entirely of material from the past 20 years, culminating in Bono’s appalling Euro 2020 anthem. One spokesperson said: “We would be shocked… Read more »

July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

Rank-and-file gardaí have reacted positively to the news that they will now be able to sport beards while dressed in uniform. It’s believed members pressured Commissioner Drew Harris for the move following recent controversies involving the force. “Our officers have been involved in a lot of close shaves over the years and it was starting… Read more »

July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

Health experts say they are becoming increasingly concerned by the re-emergence of an old variant in Irish politics in recent days. The single case of the Labour party strain, codenamed Bacik, was discovered in Dublin Bay South, where efforts by spin doctors to suppress it failed dismally. There are now fears that the variant may… Read more »

July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Fionnan Spleen Jim O’Callaghan has hit out at his internal critics in Fianna Fáil, insisting the humiliation in Dublin Bay South is actually part of a grand strategy to ensure he becomes party leader. “Of course, there are short-sighted critics who think I had something to do with Dreary Conroy’s 0.05% of the popular… Read more »

July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

The world of Dublin-fans-with-nothing-better-to-do is holding its breath. The tabloids are working themselves into a frenzy trying to figure out the future of Dublin goalkeeper Stephen Cluxton. One Dublin supporter said: “Frankly, I think far too much attention is being given to this tedious Covid nonsense, and not nearly enough to what’s going to happen… Read more »

July 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

A Night at the Rugby – Classic Marx Brothers farce as our heroes organise a rugby trip to South Africa in the middle of a pandemic, with predictably disastrous consequences! Watch for the madcap scene where a grouchy Gato sends home for four Welsh taxi drivers, in a bid to make up the numbers in… Read more »

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

A recent spate of cyber attacks across the HSE and Department of Health have left insiders shocked. “The HSE has long prided itself on running IT systems that are completely impenetrable, even to our users,” said one insider. “Years of chronic under-investment have left our computer networks so antiquated that we just presumed it would… Read more »

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Grace O’Godd In his first full press conference since taking office, new DUP leader Edwin Poots has moved to reassure the people of Northern Ireland that he is a progressive and enlightened leader. “The heathens sayeth that I shall lead my people to the foot of the mountain and there they shall perish in… Read more »

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

After the success of our Covid-19 home testing kits, Lidl Ireland is delighted to bring the following products to the market: Kate O’Connell Water-Tester This device will help you test the waters to see whether you’ll sink or swim. N.B. Provides no indication as to whether you’ll be cast adrift. Cuckoo’s Nest Has a tendency… Read more »

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

Michael had some aeroplanes But had no place to go For every time he asked to fly NPHET told him NO! He stomped his feet in anger He warned of doom and gloom Oh how the people laughed to see Mick begging for leg room!

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

by Our Property Staff Amid the current glut of grim warnings that house prices could treble by the end of this year, my editor suggested that I should consider writing a personal account direct from the housing crisis frontline. “A hard-hitting piece giving the human angle on what it means to be a housing victim… Read more »

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

Governments to jointly select a can that will be launched down the road Further meeting next month to discuss possible summit to arrange next meeting Micheál and Boris jointly committed to maximising photo-ops Discuss nitty-gritty of NI protocol some other time More mealy-mouthed stuff about border poll from Micheál Boris to continue redecorating flat (That’s… Read more »

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

A deal between RTÉ and Virgin will allow Ireland’s 2022 Six Nations campaign to remain free-to-air, meaning fans around the country will be able to enjoy the team’s routing of Italy, as well as the inevitable spectacular implosion against one or all of England, Scotland and Wales. RTÉ’s Dee Forbes welcomed the latest addition to… Read more »

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

The government has reacted angrily to An Taisce’s objection to a Kildare Street cheese plant, which has been milking taxpayers on an industrial scale for decades. The plant specialises in a process known as “creaming it”, even as voters’ hopes curdle. “TDs are known for their cheesy smiles, but the whole place stinks,” said a… Read more »

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

Transport Government parties carrying too many passengers Aviation Eamon Ryan’s head is constantly stuck in the clouds Environment Climate Bill is far too full of hot air Agriculture Healy Raes should be forced to cut the bull Infrastructure TDs will pay a massive penalty for even mentioning water charges Planning Government preparing to die on… Read more »

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

Yes, of course, it’s vital to apologise over the tragic events in Ballymurphy back in 1971. These sad episodes took place in the distant past. Unlike today when the only thing people are interested in is my brilliantly successful vaccine roll-out. Known to be 97% effective in protecting Bozza from different variants of sleaze accusations…. Read more »

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

Sir, I would like to draw your attention to an unrivalled journalistic opportunity that has just arisen. As you may be aware, the esteemed journalist Mr Eoghan Harris currently finds himself available for work. Mr Harris is a man of the utmost integrity and his work has been the subject of much comment. I’m fortunate… Read more »

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

This timeless Nancy Mitford epic of love and loss (of trousers and dignity mainly) has already been hailed as the most sensational drama series since the BBC’s classic version of Tolstoy’s Pwhoar and Sleaze. Lily Luvvie (Lily James) – Brilliant portrayal of a headstrong character who is extremely annoying indeed. Lord Madcap (Andrew Scott) –… Read more »

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

Following disappointing results in recent local elections, Labour leader Alan Kelly has sent his condolences to his beleaguered opposite number in the UK, Keir Starmer. “It’s surprising that despite choosing a young, dynamic, charismatic, energetic, firebrand as leader, just like us,” said Kelly, “that results across the Irish Sea look even worse than ours.”

May 20, 2021 Craic & Codology

Housing Minister Darragh O’Brien has described proposals for a ‘travel bubble’ between Britain and Ireland as a “game-changer” in the housing crisis. “Irish people have a long tradition of settling in the UK and always find the houses over there very much to their liking,” said the Fianna Fáil minister. “Allowing our hordes of disaffected… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

Goldhawk profiles some of the beers that will be affected by plans to introduce a Minimum Unit Price for alcohol: Fosters Recently canned due to complaints it wasn’t doing enough to convert potential customers. Replacement will be far more acidic with a definite whiff of sourness. Mickey O’Leary’s Famous for its bitter outpourings and a… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

Sexual love belongs in a committed relationship between a priest and his housekeeper. Sex is exclusively for the purposes of procreation. Hush money payments are often required to keep the progeny a secret. Failure to do so could result in an orgy of negative media coverage. People who love members of the same sex in… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

Nightclub door steward The departing DUP leader could certainly be trusted to say NO! to any undesirables trying to gain entry! Assistant to Stephen Kenny The beleaguered gaffer need no longer worry about conceding goals once the tough tackling Arlene instructs his charges on defending tenaciously what nobody else would even try to defend. Historian… Read more »

May 6, 2021 Craic & Codology

What a beautiful sight it was to see all those supporters marching on the centre of power and refusing to concede what is rightfully theirs, by taking matters into their own hands. It fills me with hope for the future. – Donald Trump What’s the problem?! The Yanks take over south Kerry every year without… Read more »