March 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

The HSE has confirmed it is on course to reach its target of 25,000 excuses per week over its inept vaccine roll-out. A spokesman said an unexpected development in the supply chain – caused by AstraZeneca finally delivering some vaccines – had caused a shortfall recently, but the HSE planned to significantly ramp up excuse… Read more »

March 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

Irish horseracing was plunged into a fresh controversy yesterday as evidence emerged of horse owner Michael O’Leary presiding over the flogging of a dead horse. The alleged abuse is said to have occurred over a prolonged period as the airline guru was trying to persuade the Irish government to abolish Covid-19 restrictions and enforce compulsory… Read more »

March 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

St Patrick’s Day revellers rejoice! Enjoy Fáilte Ireland’s Zoom (for 40 minutes max) from the comfort of your quarantine hotel room. Here are some of the many attractions put together by Fáilte Ireland: • Gordon Elliott’s Not-So-Merry-Go-Round • Jim Corr: Ireland’s Biggest Online Clown • UL’s Pandemic Party Procession • Davy’s Funny-Looking Float • The… Read more »

March 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

Fears are growing about the stability of a stricken vessel which is now believed to be completely washed up. The S.S. Fianna Fáil hit the rocks in early 2020 and has been listing badly to the right ever since. This coupled with the continuous damage inflicted on it by the treacherous Red C has meant… Read more »

March 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

by Our Legal Staff Phil Boots In the biggest revolution in legal history, the country’s most senior judges have voted in favour of reducing the amount of damages resulting from personal injury cases. “When it comes to dubious insurance claims, it’s essential that pay-outs are proportionate,” said a spokesman for the Bar Council last night…. Read more »

March 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

OPRAH: You’ve allowed me into your personal royal celebrity space, I feel so enhumbled I’m literally weeping for joy. HARRY: Feel free to ask us any of the questions we agreed. MEGHAN: We’re just happy to be beyond the glare of the world’s intrusive media. It allows us to send positivity into our universe by… Read more »

March 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

Greetings faithful, Last weekend I walked through some historic ruins – not of the Fianna Fáil party but rather of old Mosul in Iraq. I prayed for an end to suffering, particularly of Irish football fans who haven’t seen their team score a goal since the Bronze Age. I also prayed for rapprochement between bitter… Read more »

March 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

Ireland football manager Stephen Kenny has called on fans to be “patient” in the search for goals as he prepares his side for the opening World Cup qualifiers against Serbia and Luxembourg. “I understand that fans want to see us ram in four, five or even one goal every game, but it’s about evolution not… Read more »

March 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

Authorities are warning about the danger of YouTube conspiracy theories, with growing concern over videos being posted by fringe organisations like Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael. Such content is said to be “a mass of disinformation” promoting outlandish ideas, such as suggesting that the current coalition isn’t completely clueless. “These videos do incredible harm,” said… Read more »

March 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

The IRFU have said they would be “over the moon” if head coach Andy Farrell was offered a coaching role with the British and Irish Lions. The rugby outfit is believed to be “cautiously optimistic” Farrell will link up with Warren Gatland’s outfit for the 2021 series and vowed they wouldn’t stand in his way… Read more »

March 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

One long weekend in Tehran later, and yours truly has succeeded in moving the Middle East one step closer to long-lasting peace. Diplomacy is all about establishing common ground. After President Rouhani discussed the difficulties of working under an oppressive, seemingly unstable leader intent on clinging to power, I shared with him the stark realities… Read more »

February 25, 2021 Craic & Codology

In anticipation of botching several key aspects of the recently announced ‘Living with Covid’ plan, the government has urged patience. Micheál Martin said: “The public need to be more forgiving of mistakes. We’re being forced to deal with an entirely unique situation; one that hopefully won’t occur for another century at least – and that’s… Read more »

February 25, 2021 Craic & Codology

The national broadcaster has refused to apologise after a newsletter containing sexist jokes, circulated by a former staff member, was brought to the public’s attention. A spokesman for RTÉ said: “Current and former staff should know better than to try their hand at comedy. Anyone familiar with our recent output would know that humour is… Read more »

February 25, 2021 Craic & Codology

Controversial TD Noel Grealish has recommended Clifden’s Station House Hotel as a quarantine location. The premises hit the headlines last year when Deputy Grealish and several other members of the Oireachtas Golf Society breached Covid-19 protocols while attending an event. But in a surprise move, the Galway West politician said he couldn’t praise the hotel… Read more »

February 25, 2021 Craic & Codology

I’m absolutely delighted to announce this incredible new tunnel wheeze between Northern Ireland and Scotland. The key thing to remember is that the fantastic ‘Boris Burrow’ is certainly not a shameless Tory glamour project. Surely not! This fantastic example of top-notch Brit tech is pretty complex. Boffins assure me it will be as watertight as… Read more »

February 25, 2021 Craic & Codology

Dr Leo Hunky doctor who never shies away from exposing his naked ambition to his many fans in the media. However, his awful bedside manner has meant he struggles to gain popularity with the general public. Micheál Martinez High maintenance diva characterised by a notorious thin skin and other chronic inadequacies. He has been rapidly… Read more »

February 25, 2021 Craic & Codology

GPs and nurses in Ireland say they are growing ‘increasingly concerned’ at what appears to be a new mutation of the country’s Heath Service Executive. Said one doctor in Galway: “This latest strain is very worrying. The rate of transmission of information about what we’re supposed to be doing and where the vaccines are is… Read more »

February 25, 2021 Craic & Codology

The DUP’s proposals to repeal certain aspects of the recently introduced abortion laws have prompted widespread international criticism. Defending their decision to bring the proposals to Stormont, a party spokesperson said: “The DUP has a set of moral values that we must stick to. When it comes to policy implementation we have a proud history… Read more »

February 25, 2021 Craic & Codology

Of course, Meghan and I totally understand the worldwide interest in our amazing fairytale lives. Even more so now that our second baby is due. But we really don’t want to be defined by a shallow Disneyworld celebrity image. Instead, we devote ourselves to bringing the happiness hormone to all of humanity, so we’ve completely… Read more »

February 25, 2021 Craic & Codology

Green Party activists have called on environment minister Eamon Ryan to delay his plans to implement a tough crackdown on fossil fuels. Under the proposed legislation, flammable materials would be subject to strict regulations and in most cases would disappear overnight. Many party members fear this could have a devastating impact on the Greens, with… Read more »

February 25, 2021 Craic & Codology

Healy-Rae TDs are multimillionaires 2-3 Pics of properties and farmland owned by brothers 4-5 Pics of Kerrymen in funny caps 6 Left-wing deputies express outrage 7 ‘Why-oh-why’ letters and tweets 8-9 Pope Francis admits ‘I am RC’ 10 Embarrassed bears confess to woodland evacuation 13

February 25, 2021 Craic & Codology

An atmosphere of panic prevailed across Ireland last night as news emerged that released convict David Drumm had offered to “lend a hand” to a man painting a door. The incident sent Irish stocks into a nosedive, as tens of thousands of bank customers rushed to withdraw their savings. “It’s our worst nightmare,” said a… Read more »

February 25, 2021 Craic & Codology

Government sources have confirmed there will be no loosening in restrictions until at least May, with ministers not allowed to disappear from RTÉ until they have appeared on every available TV and radio programme. The coalition intends to continue shamelessly spinning its handling of the pandemic, as well as the slow vaccine roll-out and the… Read more »

February 25, 2021 Craic & Codology

This property came to public prominence during the Deval-era. Features include: • Living-cum-games room • Back-burner (overloaded) • Collection of antiques (Labour Party) • Hot air heating (fuelled by chamber debates) • Curtains for Fianna Fáil • Stone walling (Sinn Féin) • Ryancliner’ cosy sleeping chair • Recently expanded printing room • Microwave for reheating… Read more »

February 25, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Stan Back and Rohl Over Health experts at home and abroad have heaped praise on the Irish rugby team for their outstanding example in fighting the spread of Covid-19. “We all know that social distancing is difficult to maintain over long periods,” said one Dublin health expert, “but the Irish players showed it can… Read more »

February 25, 2021 Craic & Codology

RULES Set out to rescue the Princess Latifa Turn off any ‘Mna na Emirates’ quotes Land on nice lunch but miss go if order booze Keep talking about your book and roll again Take a photo with the princess, then tell the media she’s grand and in the loving care of Sheikh Mohammed bin Rashid… Read more »

February 25, 2021 Craic & Codology

There will be no wind-down in the amount of Ulster Bank articles being churned out in the Republic of Ireland. Editors have said that business hacks will continue to pen Q&As, boring analysis and essential fillers such as ‘How will the Ulster Bank exit affect my sex life?’ “These articles are money in the bank,”… Read more »

February 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

There has been widespread international condemnation of the government coup in Ireland, with the cut-throat Fianna Fáil junta installing General Mee Hawl Martin as leader. Despite failing to secure an electoral majority amid collapsing support, Martin now heads up a puppet regime controlled by the shadowy Vlad Varadkar. Martin appears regularly on national TV, most… Read more »

February 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

Michael O’Leary to Tony Holohan I know my tantrums cause you pain And leave you quite astounded But deep inside I know you care And that’s what keeps me grounded. Micheál Martin to Leo Varadkar I know we both feel this is wrong I know it feels taboo But I love this bond we’ve made… Read more »

February 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

Penthouse Suite, Waterloo Golfo Deluxe Phil Hogan writes… The fiasco over Europe’s handling of the vaccine roll-out and the climbdown over Article 16 is humiliating for all involved. Without getting into the blame game, Mrs McGuinness and Ursula von Trapp spring to mind straight away. Is it a coincidence or what that everything was game… Read more »

February 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

Ireland – The Land Of Céad Míle Quarantines This summer, why not give your spirits a lift with a holiday in the Emerald Isle? Our 5-star attractions will ensure you have an unforgettable experience, from the moment you are securely locked into your hotel to the day you are let out again. Among the many… Read more »

February 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

HAHAHAHAHAHA Just because the UK has soundly beaten Johnny Foreigner again in getting to the vaccines first does not mean that we need to gloat about it. There’s nothing new about the EU’s soft belly raising its ugly head, of course. Take Ursula VDL, for starters. I mean, who on earth does this seriously deranged… Read more »

February 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

Improve football by banning Lionel Messi. Suspend all Netflix viewing during pandemic. Pubs to remain permanently closed after Covid era. More RTÉ comedy shows. Further pay increases for senior civil servants. (That’s enough Von Der Leyen – Ed.)

February 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

A sensational BBC investigative programme last night revealed that the notorious Kinahan is a bit suspect. ON OTHER PAGES Bear defecates in woods (p6) Pope Catholic (p8) Gardaí launch PR offensive insisting they’re winning against Kinahan cartel (p11)

February 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

Brexit and Covid-19 have resulted in massive delays to packages arriving from the UK. Goldhawk spoke to some famous faces experiencing delivery anxiety: Stephen Donnelly I placed a huge order late last year for some medical supplies from a very credible EU source who has failed to deliver. I’m getting a lot of grief as… Read more »

February 11, 2021 Craic & Codology

Fáilte Ireland is hoping people will take multiple staycations this year, with the tourism body chiefly targeting TDs and senior civil servants. “Election to the Dail is certainly conducive to a life of leisure,” said a spokesman. “This summer should be a boom time for local economies, as deputies pile up tabs around the country… Read more »