September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Michael Twee Thank you for the invitation To attend your celebration, But thinking of the desolation And the trauma of our nation, With years of devastation And Ireland ruined by deprivation I find I am in no position To traipse along to your rendition Of how we came to have partition. For as you… Read more »

September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

The Rotunda maternity hospital has said that it very much regrets allowing RTÉ camera crews to film a fly-on-the-wall documentary during the pandemic. Said a senior manager: “The aim was to present the human side of the maternity hospital experience, including the mix of joy and sadness – such as when expectant mothers tried to… Read more »

September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Kat Astrophe Taoiseach-in-waiting Leo Varadkar has apologised for the government’s ongoing failure to bring the Coveney/Zappone fiasco to an end. “In normal circumstances another, debacle should by now have befallen this administration to overshadow the present one”, explained the contrite Fine Gael leader. “Unfortunately, despite my sincerest attempts – such as ill-advisedly heading to… Read more »

September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

Phil Hogan His love of golf drove him out of bounds last year but he recently managed to emerge from the bunker and started collecting a tidy purse in Brussels. Badly stung by the Irish Water trap many years ago. Michael D Higgins Widely praised for his decision to turn down an invitation to play… Read more »

September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

Tony Blair While initially very popular, Bertie would eventually become a liability to his party and was instrumental in keeping them out of office. Although he never started any wars, he did engage in an atrocity of an ad for the News of the World. John Bruton An obscure relic from the past who is… Read more »

September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

South of The Border (Aye, aye, aye, aye) – Frank Sinatra Separate Lives – Phil Collins Borderline (You just keep on pushin’…) – Madonna Rule, Britannia! – The Orange Lodgers I Never Loved You Anyway – Corrs

September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

Fianna Fáil Dresses Exciting new collection from the Soldiers of Destiny with strong emphasis on natural splits. While it always looks like falling apart, it just about manages to stay in one piece. Warning: May attract ridicule from some hacks. Connacht Tracksuit Stylish athletics gear which is made from 100% recycled rubbish bins. The clothing… Read more »

September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

• Katherine Zappone booked as guest speaker for next ard fheis • Matt Barrett to respect the media’s privacy • Simon Coveney to start exploring EU job opportunities • Brendan Howlin to remind the public he exists • Ivana Bacik to pretend she likes Alan Kelly • Keep mentioning plan to double number of seats… Read more »

September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

I know it’s odd deleting texts from your phone, But who’d want to chat with Katherine Zappone? I know it’s a fiasco, How long can it last though? Someone tell Sinn Féin to leave me alone.

September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has expressed concern over the decision of Kilkenny GAA to renew Brian Cody’s contract, meaning he will lead the Cats for an unprecedented 24th season. “I don’t think it’s healthy for so much power to be invested in one man. Cody rules Kilkenny with an iron fist and ruthlessly crushes… Read more »

September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

Committed private collector needs to dispose of every issue of The Phoenix magazine published since June 2001 (with possible exception of one), including the annuals. Open to offers for all or some. E-mail: magspast7@gmail.com

September 9, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Fionnan Spleen Foreign affairs minister Simon Coveney has been plunged into a fresh crisis, after shocking revelations emerged that his phone has been used for work. This marks a major departure from normal protocol, whereby the phone is used by hackers to send spam to EU ministers, or else by Coveney himself to gossip… Read more »

September 9, 2021 Craic & Codology

Engineers to investigate why walls keep closing in on Coveney and Varadkar Plasterers to help Greens with their chronic flakiness Ministers to stop leading everybody up the garden path about housing figures Darragh O’Brien to resume papering over the cracks Homelessness to keep going through the roof Government to try and stop its popularity sinking

September 9, 2021 Craic & Codology

Government TDs have voiced their concern at the rapid reopening of workplaces as pandemic restrictions start to lift. It’s believed some of them were even hoping to avoid returning to Leinster House until late October at the very least. One deputy who wished to remain anonymous said she was simply dreading heading back to the… Read more »

September 9, 2021 Craic & Codology

Reeling in the Jeers A nostalgic look back on RTÉ’s contribution to home-grown comedy with soundtrack by Mozart’s Requiem The Late, Late Snore Once again presenter Ryan Tubridy revitalises the nation with his trusted format panel of guests guaranteed to ensure an enhancing night’s sleep. What Planet Are You On? Documentary on TV licence fee… Read more »

September 9, 2021 Craic & Codology

Following their U-turn on explicit content, Goldhawk takes a look at some popular OnlyFans accounts: Micheál Martin Micheál exposes his massive shortcomings on a daily basis to his dwindling collection of admirers. He claims to be in rude health but always appears weak and flakey. Matt Cooper Recently announced he was leaving his TV platform… Read more »

September 9, 2021 Craic & Codology

Following the outcry after Tourism Ireland used the name ‘Londonderry’ on social media, politicians in the north have been suggesting solutions to the long-running dispute. Alliance leader Naomi Vague has called for a tastefully designed 26-metre concrete wall dividing the city into two brand new urban areas: “Dublinderry and Londonderry will allow everyone to put… Read more »

September 9, 2021 Craic & Codology

A shock new undercover investigation has revealed that newspaper editors and hacks have a chronic addiction to cocaine fillers. They are said to get a ‘buzz’ from chopping out line after line of hysterical nonsense, even as their reports are met with snorts of derision around the country. “I started doing coke features around a… Read more »

September 9, 2021 Craic & Codology

Concerns are continuing to grow across Ireland today after a new variant of the scourge that has depressed the country for so long was identified. The new strain of Coveney-19, codenamed ‘Deleta’ is understood to have been discovered after a government minister was in contact with a woman who arrived here from New York. It… Read more »

September 9, 2021 Craic & Codology

The government has unveiled its agenda for the September session of the UN Security Council: Security: Protecting Leo’s back at all costs following the leaking scandal Intelligence: Teach Simon Coveney how to use a phone International Atrocities: Try to stop the Irish football team under Stephen Kenny being the subject of cruel and unusual treatment… Read more »

September 9, 2021 Craic & Codology

Following the success of her first two books, Sally Rooney has taken the publishing world by storm with her latest bestseller, Beautiful Writer – Who Am I? No wonder it’s being called the literary phenomenon of the century. The Irish author’s earlier fiction caused a sensation – largely because of the combination of saucy sex… Read more »

September 9, 2021 Craic & Codology

Fianna Fáil’s parliamentary party think-in has been hailed as a “resounding success” by party members nationwide. “Everything was done in compliance with Covid protocols,” said chief whip Jack Chambers, “with particular focus on the present leader’s deteriorating political health. “Unfortunately, we had so many wishing to speak that there wasn’t enough space for Barry Cowen… Read more »

August 26, 2021 Craic & Codology

THE DEPARTMENT of Foreign Affairs has confirmed Katherine Zappone’s latest appointment as Ireland’s special envoy on freedom of expression in Afghanistan. In a statement issued to media outlets, the former Minister for Children said that she was deeply honoured to have been appointed to this vitally important role. “Thanks to my vast experience as a… Read more »

August 26, 2021 Craic & Codology

Goldhawk got an exclusive sneak peek at some of the former president’s birthday presents: Pentagon approved drone Exclusive access to Guantanamo Bay resort Shattered rust belt H Lucrative speaking tour Tin ear H Tarnished legacy

August 26, 2021 Craic & Codology

The Government has confirmed that live entertainment will resume on September 15th. Top of the bill will be a full cast production of ‘The Dail Sessions’ an eclectic mix of humour, bawdy language, scandal, incompetence and widespread scandal. The leading players have all committed to participating again although there is some doubt that leading man… Read more »

August 26, 2021 Craic & Codology

THE GOVERNMENT plans to encourage older people to move into smaller ‘right-size’ houses when their children move out of the family home. Housing minister Darragh O’Brien yesterday expressed his exasperation over the current situation. “Selfish home-owners clearly show no concern whatsoever for the plight of others in genuine need,” said Mr O’Brien. “These parasitic individuals… Read more »

August 26, 2021 Craic & Codology

Abdullah Ondekhazi The former second hand camel flogger (Surely salesman? – Ed) turned tourism minister has vowed to rejuvenate the day tripper market with open air stoning and beheading spectacles on Fridays and Saturdays, starting in October on a trial basis. Mullah Dees-Em-Bowlem Given the sports portfolio, the 60-times married father of 355 has promised… Read more »

August 26, 2021 Craic & Codology

IN THE light of recent events in Afghanistan, various activist groups and NGOs have called for the Taliban to be cancelled forthwith. According to Key Bored of the Activists of Ireland Association, “It is simply unacceptable in the 21st century that a group of fairly pale, male and stale men should feel that they have… Read more »

August 26, 2021 Craic & Codology

In common with all other newspapers, we may in recent times have given the impression that the Dublin football team were a group of invincible supermen destined to remain unbeaten for the next 50 years. Headlines such as “SUPER-DUBS ARE UNBEATABLE”, “DESSIE’S DREAM TEAM WILL WIN 60 IN A ROW” and “DUBS WILL WALK ALL… Read more »

August 26, 2021 Craic & Codology

Fears are growing in south Kerry that the county’s Healy-Rae caps could soon disappear forever due to climate alterations. The threat to the once cool caps comes after apparent gatherings of large groups of people generated immensely hot debate in recent weeks. “That was damaging enough but then showers of people started raining heavy insults… Read more »

August 26, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Kay Bul TEMPORARY TAOISEACH Micheál Martin has reassured Taliban leaders that any Afghan women who flee to Ireland will be regarded fairly and given equal opportunities as men. The move comes as Taliban chiefs expressed their “deep concern” about State treatment of women in Ireland. Says worried Taliban cleric Musthaffa Shyte, “God knows, mná… Read more »

August 26, 2021 Craic & Codology

As culture minister I am often asked to explain complicated terms about the music industry. Here is my easy to understand guide about the issue. Prima donna Someone who loves the sound of their own voice and never listens to anyone. Eamon Ryan is a wonderful example of a prima donna. Soloist Impressive woman who… Read more »

August 26, 2021 Craic & Codology

99.87% of candidates who sat this year’s Leaving Cert have achieved the highest results ever recorded, according to State Examinations Commission figures. Ministers immediately congratulated the class of 2021, insisting that Irish students had clearly become much more intelligent during lockdown. Celebrating last night, one excited 18-year-old said: “So, I got like 13 H1 grade… Read more »

August 26, 2021 Craic & Codology

Micheál Martin How could anyone respect a lame duck leader who couldn’t inspire an ounce of courage among his disgruntled foot soldiers? His weak, ineffective and arrogant government never enjoyed public support either. Dessie Farrell Things looked pretty good for so long but then everything fell apart in a matter of minutes. The Afghan security… Read more »

August 26, 2021 Craic & Codology

Wally The Walrus has urged members of the public to keep their distance from Malcolm Noonan. The junior heritage minister was recently spotted lounging around Dáil Éireann, while the annual summer Dáil exodus has led to coalition TDs being spotted at numerous European sunspots. “The public need to have some cop on,” said Wally. “While… Read more »

August 26, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Annie Hack WE NOW know for certain that humankind has entered the last chance saloon. What is coming down the tracks will make Covid-19 feel like a harmless dose of hiccups. (Great start! – Ed). The Intergovernmental Panic on Climate Change report makes it crystal clear that every man, woman and child who crawls… Read more »