February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

A vacancy has arisen in our long-established administrative apology sector. This is a very challenging position, with new opportunities to exercise one’s talents opening up almost on a daily basis. The successful applicant will work as part of a busy team and be efficient in devising and dispatching contrite correspondence on a regular basis. Availability… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

1) Poses a threat to morale, which must be kept low at all times. 2) Government forgot to roll out broadband in the area. 3) Employee’s great craic at lunch. 4) Employee runs the office fantasy football league. 5) Office plants may die (again) without employee’s green fingers. 6) Employee’s a Shinner. 7) A good… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Students have reacted angrily to the return to an exams-only format for Leaving Cert 2022. In one survey, 98% said they would prefer a hybrid model including accredited grades by a favourite teacher of their choice. “I mean, it’s a total insult to our, like, basic human rights after all we’ve suffered to expect us… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Following Hazel Chu’s announcement that she is standing for election in the Seanad byelection to fill Ivana Bacik’s vacant seat, Goldhawk discovered some of the other positions the perenially unelected Chu has gone for in the past:  At three years old she applied to replace Charlie Haughey as leader of Fianna Fáil At 14 she… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Dessie Doesn’t inspire the same level of fear as its ruthless predecessor, and most people believe they can beat it. Experts believe Dessie will be tested extensively over the coming months and may disappear in late 2022. Watt Public concern about its massive rise hasn’t had any effect, even after Watt was recently detected in… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Minister Eamon Ryan has angrily denied allegations he hates roads after several Fine Gael backbenchers accused him of slow walking infrastructure projects, but has admitted that he does have concerns about the over-reliance on cars. “It’s obvious the government has run out of road and are driving people around the bend. Everyday a member of… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Pressure is growing on government to take decisive action, as ministers’ grotesquely inflated egos balloon to unprecedented proportions. The crisis comes amid growing unhappiness at the soaring cost of living, with many government TDs saying they are unable to afford extensions to their second and third homes. “It’s shocking how swollen ministers’ heads have gotten,”… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

The government celebrated the inaugural Chinese-Irish Lunar New Year, the ‘Year of the Celtic Tiger’ with a series of spectacular events. At a ceremony to launch the celebrations, the taoiseach noted that, “In addition to being a great bunch of lads, Chinese people are willing to spend at least €1m to live in Ireland through… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Exclusive by all sports columnist It seems like only this time last year I was writing how Dublin would win 20 All-Irelands in a row, but following their back-to-back losses to Mayo and Armagh, it’s now clear that Dessie Farrell’s sorry charges are in chronic disarray. There is no limit to how low they can… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

by Phillipa Space Last week we asked Bougie Times readers to have their say on remote working. Below is a selection of their responses. “My employer wants me to return to the office for a day a week. How am I expected to deal with this tyranny? It’s an affront to my human right to… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Retail: Simon Coveney will never have to pay the price for anything Transport: Fine Gael won’t hesitate to tell Eamon Ryan where to get off Childcare: Department of Health maintaining policy of babysitting Stephen Donnelly Home heating: Ask Jeffrey Donaldson and the DUP to stop adding fuel to the fire Retrofitting: Developers will politely tell… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Following the recent reports about Roy Keane and Sunderland, Russian president Vlad Putin said he fully supports a managerial return for the volatile Cork man. “Roy is a man after my own heart,” he said. “Takes no nonsense and unafraid to go on the offensive. He could even be a great statesman some day –… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Taoiseach Micheál Martin is considering a complete overhaul of the Irish military after glaring inadequacies were recently exposed. The Fianna Fáil leader is believed to be particularly concerned about the ability to stave off attacks from those with hostile intent. “Micheál said Jim O’Callaghan has been going under the radar for months now, and this… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

An Post is increasing postage costs next month, with the price of a national letter stamp rising to €1.25. The controversial decision was strongly defended by a company spokesperson yesterday: “This latest adjustment is entirely in keeping with our established price rise policy, going forward.” But postmaster and part-time Independent TD Michael Healy Rae hit… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

(Top secret – strictly authorised personnel only) In case of outside attack, troops should adhere to following protocol… Somebody pick up nearest sling-shot Might be few hurls stashed under stairs Think there’s also a rolling pin somewhere in kitchen? Fresh supply of stones in front yard available for chucking Er… … That’s it

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Following on from the huge attention garnered by Pam & Tommy, Disney has announced a follow-up mini-series entitled Leo & Micheál. The show will examine the duo’s dysfunctional relationship and dramatic ups and downs, including a disastrous period in government, when a series of leaks placed Leo in the harsh glare of the media spotlight…. Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

Foreign eclairs minister Simon Covetous is to meet Russian ambassador Igor Dontrustmeaninch to raise issues about upcoming Russian navy tests off the coast of Cork. The minister is said to be concerned the Russkies may be packing second-rate lumpfish caviar and not the desired Beluga type mandatory at all Foreign Affairs get-togethers. Speaking aboard his… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

Concern is growing in government over Simon Coveney, after the foreign affairs minister completed an unprecedented 24-hour period without being caught up in a new controversy. In recent times, the minister has been dealing with the fall-out from the chronic debacle of the DFA champagne reception, which itself followed quickly on the heels of the… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

by Phil Pages THE ONSLAUGHT of recent ‘Toxic Men’ filler articles within Irish media circles continued yesterday with several hundred more sightings of provocative opinion pieces appearing throughout the country’s newspapers. “It’s outrageous that no reader is safe from these irate fillers, which can seemingly appear on the front pages at any time,” said one… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

Simon Coveney While he is officially meant to be participating in the skiing at this year’s tournament, most experts agree that he has been on the slide for months. Has told his supporters not to expect a Champagne performance. Norma Foley Her tendency to skate on thin ice means that she has an outside chance… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

Following the U-turn on proposals to allow Northern Ireland MPs to also work as MLAs, some prominent people give their take. Totes! I manage to lead a political party, help run the country, work as a volunteer vaccinator at a Covid centre, and still find time to head off to music festivals abroad. How do… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

Experts have announced that the world is at the beginning of a mass extinction event due to climate change. “One need look no further than Fine Gael’s popularity ratings to see that several once widespread species are in danger of disappearing,” warned one political scientist. “The electoral climate is rapidly changing and many groups are… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

AN APPEAL has been launched by the NUJ to raise funds so that hooked hacks can start to live a normal life again. Over the course of the past two years, thousands of journalists have become utterly dependent on Covid-19 related stories. Although in the early days, the articles were delivered on a slow release… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

Boundaries – Aesthetics are vitally important and I would recommend stonewalling as much as possible. Patio – It’s imperative to have a large area in which to entertain guests visiting for, er, work events. Maintenance – The noxious little weed Dominic Cummings is very bitter and can get out of control in the blink of… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

Deep unrest continues across Ireland as people claim they are being unfairly denied €1,000 bonuses. An Garda Many on-duty members were compelled to endure queueing on the street in all weathers to bring life-sustaining burgers, battered sausages and chips back to the squad car. Politicians The difficulties some TDs have encountered trying to claim their… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

Joe Quinn, vice-president of Mandate, the trade union representing former Debenhams workers, has sought to clarify his controversial comments on the workers’ strike. “Screenshots of my messages saying that picketing workers should’ve gotten ‘fuck all’, and that the book detailing their strike was doggerel of the highest order and should only be used as ‘toilet… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

Andy Farrell has said he is looking forward to the forthcoming Six Nations campaign. “The boys have been working non-stop and updating their Instagram pages hourly,” said Farrell. “They’ve been breaking records with their speed, especially when they spot a lucrative sponsorship deal. And given that we are so fancied to challenge this year, I… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

The government has welcomed RTÉ’s decision to transfer responsibility for the National Symphony Orchestra to the National Concert Hall. A spokesperson for RTÉ said that while the broadcaster was sad about the move, it was the right thing to do in order to save money. “Financing an orchestra doesn’t make any sense when so many… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

Micheál’s Meat Loaf Playlist I’d Do Anything for Fianna Fáil (But I won’t Do That) Go into coalition with Sinn Féin You Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth On Leo stealing all the limelight (Now Don’t be Sad ’cause) Two Out Of Three Ain’t Bad On Green party policies he’s implemented Dead Ringer… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

by Our Financial Staff Phil Boots IRELAND’S billionaires have increased their wealth by more than €18bn since the outbreak of Covid-19, according to a controversial report, with Oxfam claiming the country’s super-rich elite have been able to make a mint out of the pandemic-fuelled stock market boom. Reacting to the news, Mary Lou McDonald said:… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

There is mounting pressure for the State to adopt a hybrid Leaving Cert model this year, with students keen that their performances in video games such as ‘Hitman’ and ‘FIFA’ be acknowledged. There is also a growing view that points should be granted for Instagram likes and shares on Facebook and Twitter. “Norma Foley needs… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

Bar owners have reacted to the lifting of restrictions with a promise to return to “business as usual”. According to a spokesperson for the lobby – sorry, representative – group, for the trade, things are set to return to normal “quicker than you can shout ‘Time now ladies and gentlemen, please!’”. “It will be like… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

In common with all other newspapers, we may in recent times have given the impression that the Omicron variant heralded the end of civilisation as we know it. In particular, this may have been suggested by headlines such as ‘APOCALYPSE NOW’, ‘IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD’ and ‘WE’RE F****D’. However, with Ireland having passed… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

Wee Garda Winkie runs through the town Up streets and down streets, wearing his worst frown Crying, “When I signed up, I never had it planned To fight Covid from the front line – so I deserve a grand! Bah! Bah! Boris have you any wool? Yes I have indeed Jeff, my stock is rather… Read more »