October 7, 2021 Craic & Codology

Michael D Recently aligned calmness with resolute determination when sticking to his guns after coming under fire in a tight corner. The president was a little shaken but didn’t stir, in this exhibition of ‘classic Bond’ sang-froid. Eamon Ryan His ability to go completely unnoticed at cabinet meetings means he has what it takes to… Read more »

October 7, 2021 Craic & Codology

The country has been plunged into a fresh electricity crisis, with experts fearing that the lights are about to go out on the coalition government. Though there are a variety of factors at play, it is believed that a chronic lack of energy is central to the problem. “There’s no spark there at all,” said… Read more »

October 7, 2021 Craic & Codology

Listen up all of yiz, aye, Us here, the true and legitimate representatives of the Ulster political establishment, as recognised by all right-thinking people, strongly oppose this protocol atrocity. In our rejection of this abomination, be mindful that we seek to ensure that no unionist child will be regarded as less cherished, and less valued… Read more »

October 7, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Stan Still Environmentalists across the globe have lavished praise on the British government amid news that the eco-conscious nation has cut its greenhouse emissions by a whopping 80% in a few short days. The kudos come after Boris Johnson’s administration oversaw an unprecedented reduction in fuel consumption and a massive fall in CO2 emissions…. Read more »

October 7, 2021 Craic & Codology

Once again, Stephen Kenny’s Ireland side produced a miserable/incredible performance of dysfunctional/heroic proportions as they slumped/soared to new depths/heights against a rampant/stunned opposition. This latest debacle/exercise was proof, if proof was needed, that the former Dundalk boss is a clueless/ingenious instigator of a ludicrous/wonderful pathway that must be unapologetically halted/embraced by the FAI hierarchy. Failure… Read more »

October 7, 2021 Craic & Codology

Minister for Transport Eamon Ryan has this week announced delays to Metro Link in an effort to promote consistency across the nation’s transport services. Minister Ryan told reporters that, similar to most of the nation’s bus services, “nobody knows” when, or even ‘if’, the Metro Link will arrive. The minister reportedly fears mass confusion should… Read more »

October 7, 2021 Craic & Codology

Bob Geldof A bunch of arrogant, sanctimonious has-beens who are decades past their prime, which wasn’t much to begin with. Despite their initial successes, they’ve clearly been on the slide for a while now and it’s a mystery why the media gives them so much attention. Boris Johnson Running a successful political party is very… Read more »

October 7, 2021 Craic & Codology

The government is under increasing pressure to reward the hardship endured by RTÉ audiences during the pandemic, with viewers suffering through a punishing schedule of Late Late Show specials, substandard dramas, dismal comedies and appalling lifestyle fillers. “We fully expect to be included in any special budget measures,” said a spokesman for viewers. “It is… Read more »

October 7, 2021 Craic & Codology

We may in the past have lent the impression that we regarded our European golfers to be the epitome of excellence, unmatchable in their relentless acquisition of glory and, most of all, a glowing inspiration to our continent and its children. We acknowledge that headlines such as ‘Pádraig’s Raiders to Raise the Ryder’ and ‘Europe’s… Read more »

October 7, 2021 Craic & Codology

Against a backdrop of feared supply and electricity shortages, Aiken Promotions have sought to reassure the Irish public that there will be a ‘strong’ supply of Garth Brooks concerts throughout next year. “We are working tirelessly to stage, hopefully, dozens of performances throughout the year,” said a spokesperson for the singer. “While some residents have… Read more »

September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

Your Royal Highness a Chara, Greetings from Rome, where I’ve been grabbing some leisure time to visit the ruins. It’s like being in Belfast in the 1970s! Speaking of which, allow me to assure you that my proposed absence at the centenary shindig for the north is not a snub against your good self! Contrary… Read more »

September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

Onlookers watched in horror recently as a man jumped ship as it was negotiating a very difficult passage. Observers say Mr Marc MacSharry, believed to be a humble deckhand, “looked utterly fed up” as he plunged into the troubled waters surrounding the craft. Later, on dry land, Mr. MacSharry explained his actions after climbing on… Read more »

September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

Hi everyone just want to give an update on the vital work being carried out by the coalition. Lately, we’ve been really under the cosh trying to figure who the hell keeps leaking all these embarrassing stories to the bloody media. I am so annoyed! 😡 Another vital aspect of government young people might not… Read more »

September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

When dining in Michelin-starred restaurant with Law Library pals, always offer to settle bill Don’t forget to email thanks to auctioneer when purchasing house in D4 Similarly, express gratitude to butler after breakfast is bought in Proper greeting to political pal who appointed you is: “See you on the golf course this weekend?”

September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

Greetings faithful Recently, I had the great honour of meeting a global spiritual figurehead, Michael D Higgins. President Higgins’s enormous intellect is frequently remarked upon – especially by himself – and we had a wide-ranging discussion of important issues. Climate change was of particular concern to him, as he complained about increasingly feeling the heat… Read more »

September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

by Our Entire Showbiz Staff RUMOURS THAT country superstar Garth Brooks could return for a series of concerts in Dublin next year have raised renewed concerns for many householders around Croke Park. Local residents say their one wish is to avoid the inevitable noise and disruption caused by unruly fans attending the gigs. We spoke… Read more »

September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

There was widespread shock in government circles today after it emerged 24 hours had elapsed without a resignation from the health service. The startling development has yet to be fully explained but sources close to the cabinet reassured the public the worrying incident is just a temporary blip. “We had a tsunami of departures in… Read more »

September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

Famine: Examine root causes of Green party’s hunger for power Nuclear weapons: Government to try and stop Barry Cowen going ballistic Refugees: Marc MacSharry to be denied political asylum Climate Change: Find out why the tide has turned on Fianna Fáil Justice: Why are there different rules for Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil ministers? Conflict:… Read more »

September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

A chara, – It’s always upsetting to see any of our country’s leading public figures being humiliated in the media. However, the unedifying picture of the tánaiste preening himself in Dáil Éireann while trying to deny rampant cronyism within Fine Gael is particularly degrading. This perverse photograph is a blatant violation of privacy and reflects… Read more »

September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Michael Twee Thank you for the invitation To attend your celebration, But thinking of the desolation And the trauma of our nation, With years of devastation And Ireland ruined by deprivation I find I am in no position To traipse along to your rendition Of how we came to have partition. For as you… Read more »

September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

The Rotunda maternity hospital has said that it very much regrets allowing RTÉ camera crews to film a fly-on-the-wall documentary during the pandemic. Said a senior manager: “The aim was to present the human side of the maternity hospital experience, including the mix of joy and sadness – such as when expectant mothers tried to… Read more »

September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Kat Astrophe Taoiseach-in-waiting Leo Varadkar has apologised for the government’s ongoing failure to bring the Coveney/Zappone fiasco to an end. “In normal circumstances another, debacle should by now have befallen this administration to overshadow the present one”, explained the contrite Fine Gael leader. “Unfortunately, despite my sincerest attempts – such as ill-advisedly heading to… Read more »

September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

Phil Hogan His love of golf drove him out of bounds last year but he recently managed to emerge from the bunker and started collecting a tidy purse in Brussels. Badly stung by the Irish Water trap many years ago. Michael D Higgins Widely praised for his decision to turn down an invitation to play… Read more »

September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

Tony Blair While initially very popular, Bertie would eventually become a liability to his party and was instrumental in keeping them out of office. Although he never started any wars, he did engage in an atrocity of an ad for the News of the World. John Bruton An obscure relic from the past who is… Read more »

September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

South of The Border (Aye, aye, aye, aye) – Frank Sinatra Separate Lives – Phil Collins Borderline (You just keep on pushin’…) – Madonna Rule, Britannia! – The Orange Lodgers I Never Loved You Anyway – Corrs

September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

Fianna Fáil Dresses Exciting new collection from the Soldiers of Destiny with strong emphasis on natural splits. While it always looks like falling apart, it just about manages to stay in one piece. Warning: May attract ridicule from some hacks. Connacht Tracksuit Stylish athletics gear which is made from 100% recycled rubbish bins. The clothing… Read more »

September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

• Katherine Zappone booked as guest speaker for next ard fheis • Matt Barrett to respect the media’s privacy • Simon Coveney to start exploring EU job opportunities • Brendan Howlin to remind the public he exists • Ivana Bacik to pretend she likes Alan Kelly • Keep mentioning plan to double number of seats… Read more »

September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has expressed concern over the decision of Kilkenny GAA to renew Brian Cody’s contract, meaning he will lead the Cats for an unprecedented 24th season. “I don’t think it’s healthy for so much power to be invested in one man. Cody rules Kilkenny with an iron fist and ruthlessly crushes… Read more »

September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

I know it’s odd deleting texts from your phone, But who’d want to chat with Katherine Zappone? I know it’s a fiasco, How long can it last though? Someone tell Sinn Féin to leave me alone.

September 23, 2021 Craic & Codology

Committed private collector needs to dispose of every issue of The Phoenix magazine published since June 2001 (with possible exception of one), including the annuals. Open to offers for all or some. E-mail: magspast7@gmail.com

September 9, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Fionnan Spleen Foreign affairs minister Simon Coveney has been plunged into a fresh crisis, after shocking revelations emerged that his phone has been used for work. This marks a major departure from normal protocol, whereby the phone is used by hackers to send spam to EU ministers, or else by Coveney himself to gossip… Read more »

September 9, 2021 Craic & Codology

Engineers to investigate why walls keep closing in on Coveney and Varadkar Plasterers to help Greens with their chronic flakiness Ministers to stop leading everybody up the garden path about housing figures Darragh O’Brien to resume papering over the cracks Homelessness to keep going through the roof Government to try and stop its popularity sinking

September 9, 2021 Craic & Codology

Government TDs have voiced their concern at the rapid reopening of workplaces as pandemic restrictions start to lift. It’s believed some of them were even hoping to avoid returning to Leinster House until late October at the very least. One deputy who wished to remain anonymous said she was simply dreading heading back to the… Read more »

September 9, 2021 Craic & Codology

Reeling in the Jeers A nostalgic look back on RTÉ’s contribution to home-grown comedy with soundtrack by Mozart’s Requiem The Late, Late Snore Once again presenter Ryan Tubridy revitalises the nation with his trusted format panel of guests guaranteed to ensure an enhancing night’s sleep. What Planet Are You On? Documentary on TV licence fee… Read more »

September 9, 2021 Craic & Codology

Following their U-turn on explicit content, Goldhawk takes a look at some popular OnlyFans accounts: Micheál Martin Micheál exposes his massive shortcomings on a daily basis to his dwindling collection of admirers. He claims to be in rude health but always appears weak and flakey. Matt Cooper Recently announced he was leaving his TV platform… Read more »

September 9, 2021 Craic & Codology

Following the outcry after Tourism Ireland used the name ‘Londonderry’ on social media, politicians in the north have been suggesting solutions to the long-running dispute. Alliance leader Naomi Vague has called for a tastefully designed 26-metre concrete wall dividing the city into two brand new urban areas: “Dublinderry and Londonderry will allow everyone to put… Read more »