April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Jack Horgan-Groans The government is considering emergency measures to help curtail spiralling energy prices, with ministers forced to do something other than pay lip service to the issue. In particular, it is believed that the prospect of being voted out en masse sent an electrical charge through the cabinet. “There were sparks flying,” acknowledged… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

Minister Simon Coveney is making a rapid recovery following his harrowing ordeal at an event in Belfast recently. Organisers said they took the decision to evacuate Coveney from the building after receiving a security tip-off that Fine Gael was bombing in opinion polls. No group has yet claimed responsibility, but it’s believed virtually every section… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

Dessie Farrell Sometimes it can be hard to get workers to opt in to a boss’s plans. My advice is to get it up and running as soon as possible. You’ll end up paying a terrible price for not planning as the county board like to say. Robbie Keane Find a job you love and… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

Newly elected Labour leader Ivana Bacik says her party “has been very heartened” by the resurgence in Covid-19 cases across the country. “This is a virus that everyone in Ireland assumed was on its last legs and fading into oblivion”, explained the Dublin Bay South TD. “And yet here it is, rising from the ashes,… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

Global politics has ground to a halt following Tom Clonan’s victory in the Seanad byelection. The security analyst’s win in Ivana Bacik’s vacant Trinity seat is seen by many commentators as a game changer in international affairs, with Joe Biden and Vladimir Putin set to deliver live televised addresses in the forthcoming days. “No longer… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

Guynecologist: Male doctor specialising in women’s health Pelvic floor: Foundations of the glass ceiling Unclenatal: Patriarchal medical term which means ‘before birth’ Jaundiced: Views disseminated by idle hacks griping about interview panels Morning sickness: How you feel after reading about this story Haemorrhaging: What happens to readership when they are exposed to it

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Ukrainian war refugees arriving in Ireland, having been given a warm welcome, after many of them vowed to do all in our power “to help the people of this most unfortunate country”. Many of the arrivals say their hearts were broken “to see such suffering” endured by their host families. “Day and night it’s an… Read more »

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

by Our Moscow Correspondent Phil Graves WHO IS he – this charismatic Chechen leader currently fighting alongside invading Russian forces in Ukraine? Ramazamadam Krazykov is widely seen as an integral part of the Kremlin’s military masterplan. He posted several videos last night – flanked by right-hand men Adam Depravov and Wazi Alkruk – that showed… Read more »

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Ukrainians arrive in the midlands AS UKRAINIAN refugees are welcomed with open arms here, the experience has left some refugees scarred. “Our truck had to swerve around craters in the road, so progress to reach safety was slow. Every town we passed looked bombed out. When we finally made it to our destination, we had… Read more »

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Under no circumstances should leaks be reported All dirty laundry to be dealt with and kept in-house Pets, especially lapdogs, are always welcome No loud music unless it’s Kylie Minogue Rubbish won’t be removed before the reshuffle Leo will continue to clean up until the next election Absolutely no squatters (Harris, McEntee, etc)

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Irish consumers struggling with spiralling heating costs, say they owe Green Party leader and environment minister Eamon Ryan “big time” for preventing them from “freezing in our own living rooms”. A smiling contented barber in Tipperary said, “Fair play, I was watching Minister Ryan fielding questions on Prime Time last night and my blood started… Read more »

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Labour Lane A once vibrant location that teemed with energetic ideologists plotting a better future for all but now sadly in tragic decline with the roof caving in and signs of dereliction everywhere. Montrose Meadows This tight-knit community is synonymous with persistent begging despite boasting some of the highest paid workers in the country. Residents… Read more »

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Joe Biden: Hey, old buddy! Good times for Micheál because it’s the first positive news he’s had in years. Leo Varadkar: Obviously, you have to feel sorry for somebody who’s clearly sinking fast. On the plus side, the taoiseach doesn’t really have any close contacts. Nancy Pelosi: Is that the quiet guy who was cowering… Read more »

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

With direct provision centres already under pressure, alternative accommodation is now being sought for the growing number of Ukrainian refugees coming into the country. Housing minister Darragh O’Brien has published an initial list for consideration: Labour Party HQ Located in the fashionable southside of Dublin within a short walking distance of Trinity College, immigrants will… Read more »

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Taoiseach Micheál Martin has moved to reassure the public nothing will change as a result of his exile in the United States. The Fianna Fáil leader has found himself stranded across the Atlantic following his Covid-19 diagnosis but has vowed to continue with his work from abroad policy. However, many political experts fear he could struggle… Read more »

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Once again, we have witnessed a heartwarming/underwhelming performance by this inspirational/predictably undercooked team of uplifting/misfiring and young/past their prime players, whose tireless/woeful efforts to match and outmanoeuvre their opponents left supporters over the moon/sick as parrots and indicated, without a sliver of doubt that the team is on the cusp of an exhilarating/humiliating era. Credit/blame… Read more »

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

As Ireland looks forward to this weekend’s friendly against Belgium, Stephen Kenny has taken tactical inspiration from the pitch invader who tied himself to a goalpost during the recent Newcastle-Everton clash. Kenny explained that a similar defensive strategy may be required to prevent the Belgian superstars helping themselves to a hatful of goals. “Everyone knows… Read more »

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Vladimir Putin Kenny is in complete denial about the quagmire he has stumbled into and refuses to face up to reality. His ridiculous pronouncements that everything is going well should be called out for the propaganda that it is. Eamon Ryan There’s a lot to admire about his attitude to the beautiful game. By not… Read more »

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Best Actor Micheál Martin for his bravura performance in accusing the Russians of being reckless and irresponsible for threatening to use nuclear weapons. Best Direction Ivana Bacik for her quietly persuasive handling of her Labour colleagues in the bloodless coup against Alan ‘AK47’ Kelly. Best Make-Up Boris Johnson’s story that his government can be trusted… Read more »

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Turning up heat on customers Renewed energy for press releases Giving cold shoulder to critics Sparks flying in media coverage Raising temperature among bill payers

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Dyna Mite Vladimir Putin has appealed to both sides to “step back from the brink”, as tensions continue to mount in the bitter expenses dispute between the GPA and GAA. Putin took time out from a busy shooting session with Ukraine’s underage sector to express his concerns over the raging conflict: “Grievances like this… Read more »

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

A NEW expenses scandal has erupted in the GAA, after it emerged that a number of club managers haven’t received their usual under-the-counter payments in recent weeks. “Look, I’m in it for the love of the green,” said one manager currently in charge of several teams across all four provinces. “Like many hard-pressed club managers… Read more »

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

FILLING UP acres of newsprint with articles about fuel prices has dramatically increased, causing hardship to hapless readers. The crude approach looks set to continue as uncertainty surrounds international fuel supplies. “My editor has ordered me to keep pumping out these fillers,” said one hack. “He’s warned me if I don’t deliver sustainable output, it… Read more »

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

GUARANTEE OF PRIVACY: Data on this form is strictly confidential. Personal information will only be made available to Leo’s close pals in the medical world. 1. What is your full name? 2. How often do you fiddle your expenses? 3. At what address do you normally live? 4. Give details of all your other homes…. Read more »

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Scientists believe they have located the black hole in Government Buildings into which taxpayers’ money is continuously poured. The dire state of Ireland’s health, housing and public transport infrastructure has long mystified experts, but the key may lie in a phenomenon known as ‘quantum Dáil-hair’. “The rate at which public money is burned through is… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Leo Varadkar Political veteran who has plenty of experience in leading a group who have hit rock bottom, and are going nowhere in the opinion polls. May prove to be far too left wing for grandees such as Joan Burton, though. Ivana Bacik The Trinity law professor is the bookies’ favourite to land the gig… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Fine Gael’s popularity continues to plummet to embarrassing new levels in the latest Red C poll, with the party now lagging behind Vladimir Putin, as well as other notorious recent monsters like Charles Manson, Peter Sutcliffe, and Robert Mugabe. There is now a feeling among some commentators that Leo Varadkar’s leadership could be under threat…. Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Fianna Fáil to regulate Russian banking system Russian military to be transported solely by Ryanair Kremlin forced to grant asylum to Eddie Hobbs Ray D’Arcy to be broadcast into every home Force Putin to listen to an entire Simon Coveney speech Westlife to perform concert for Russian servicemen

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Coveney’s Cul-de-sac Spent years jockeying for position in the blueshirt sweepstakes but is now thought to be a definite non-runner. His manoeuvres during the Zappone hurdle proved beyond all doubt that he’s not at the races. DUP Dilemma This unstable outfit were widely ridiculed after it emerged their veteran rider Jeffrey Donaldson had allegedly thought… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Tensions remain high between two sworn enemies as they frantically battle each other for supremacy. Each side has accused the other of using increasingly desperate measures to gain the upper hand and of showing no mercy to innocent parties. The senseless slaughter occurs almost every week during leaders’ questions in Leinster House as the taoiseach… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

US president Joe Biden has promised a hard-hitting raft of press conferences, as the situation in Ukraine continues to deteriorate. “Putin will be met by an unprecedented barrage of rambling speeches,” thundered Biden. “I will unleash a mealy-mouthed, equivocation filled speech about taking extreme, but very limited action, the likes of which he has never… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Vladimir Putin has welcomed the decision of Alan Kelly to step down as leader of the Labour party. The Russian leader said it was the correct course of action, claiming Kelly was responsible for inflicting misery on thousands of innocent people. “It’s hard to respect someone who uses brutal tactics such as threatening to cut… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Jeffrey Donaldson Lent is the ideal time to kick some nasty habits and improve one’s lifestyle. My doctor said if I wanted to keep having my cake and eating it then I would have to compensate by taking up an exercise like jumping ship.   Alan Kelly On Ash Wednesday, Labour made its most difficult… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

09:00 – Business Pest/Dead C finds Labour less popular than Stalin, Ceausescu, RTÉ comedy output 11:00 – Meeting of Labour TDs and senators concludes Kelly to be the only person alive less charismatic than themselves 12:00 – Pub lunch 13:00 – PLP tells Kelly party aren’t getting message across; Kelly expresses surprise the party has… Read more »

March 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

There were growing demands across Ireland last night for Russian ambassador Yurily Talkenshite to be made stay in Ireland, following Russia’s brutal invasion of Ukraine. “Why should he be expelled to a comfortable dacha instead of suffer potholed roads, hospital waiting lists, and an RTÉ slew of dreadful comedy like the rest of us?” said… Read more »