December 16, 2021 Craic & Codology

Green party leader Eamon Ryan has hailed a ‘landmark moment’ in humanity’s fight against climate change after striking a historic deal with Santa Claus. Following tense negotiations, breakthrough was finally reached when Mr Claus agreed to phase out his practice of giving coal to naughty children by 2050. “Mr Claus represents one of the largest… Read more »

December 16, 2021 Craic & Codology

Simon Coveney Smartphone Bland, inanimate object which has become notorious for its inability to retain memory. Its hunger for power is infamous and will end up costing it dearly in the end. Automatically blocks calls from Katherine Zappone. HEPA Pig The must-have item for every child this Christmas season. Merely mentioning HEPA can result in… Read more »

December 16, 2021 Craic & Codology

Public health officials told media this week that they are “gravely concerned” about the increasing number of missed appointments. The tánaiste said there needs to be “increased urgency” in filling these slots. A source within the cabinet said: “Since the Katherine Zappone palaver, we haven’t been able to appoint any of our mates to highly… Read more »

December 16, 2021 Craic & Codology

Irish Times columnist Fintan O’Book has won the ‘Toole of the Year’ award for 2021. O’Book won Non-Fiction Book of the Year for You Don’t Know Yourselves Until I Tell You What To Think: A Personal History of Ireland Since The Beginning Of Time. “I wanted to tell the story of my life and the… Read more »

December 16, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Con Tagious Fear has tightened its grip on Ireland today as the Omicron threat remains the dominant news story variant across the country. A frightening 500,000 new cases of somebody contracting a grim headline was reported yesterday, as the easily transmissible reports continue to spread rapidly across newsrooms. Many attribute the worrying development to… Read more »

December 16, 2021 Craic & Codology

Host parties in second homes only Get ego-booster with fawning press interview/vanity photo shoot Reduce contact with any hacks who might ask difficult questions Keep distance from controversy Wash hands of policy decisions

December 16, 2021 Craic & Codology

Manchester United supporters have given an emotional welcome to the club’s latest interim manager, Ralf Rangnick – affectionately known (according to his agent) as the ‘Legend of Locomotiv’. Crowds gathered outside Old Trafford last night to pay their respects to the soft-spoken German genius whom they had never heard of until last weekend. Said one… Read more »

December 16, 2021 Craic & Codology

Katherine Zappone I was bitterly disappointed that the show’s producers didn’t take up my kind offer of replacing Samantha’s character on the new series. I too would love the opportunity to work in New York with some A-listers. Leo Varadkar A bunch of underworked, elitist divas who are obsessed with designer labels, the trappings of… Read more »

December 16, 2021 Craic & Codology

Due to growing fears over the new Omicron variant, the coalition has announced controversial plans to try to limit the incidence of Nphet on Ireland’s airwaves. “It’s paramount that we cut down these harmful transmissions,” said one government spokesperson. “We’ve seen worrying evidence that exposure to Nphet can cause dangerous levels of fear and mistrust… Read more »

December 16, 2021 Craic & Codology

Fellow icons slam the red-robed philanthropists grip on our Yuletide celebrations. The man hasn’t delivered for a year! Credit Rudolph for leading the line but Claus is just going through the motions! Where’s the passion?! He’s wearing the most famous red colours in the world and he’s hiding behind his beard. It’s a joke! –… Read more »

December 16, 2021 Craic & Codology

A right-to-die organisation has developed a self-build capsule, allowing political parties in terminal decline the chance to die peacefully. The unit is a replica of the Dáil chamber, where the coalition government is dying a slow death. “Once TDs go in, they’re never heard from again,” said a campaigner, “Currently, there are no signs of… Read more »

December 16, 2021 Craic & Codology

• Big Night In If you watch only one programme this year, make sure you join Dermot Whelan and Doireann Garrihy with special guests Tommy Tiernan, Mrs Brown, The 2 Johnnies, Nevin Maguire, Oliver Callan and Rachael Blackmore for a Christmas Day/New Year’s Eve spectacular introduced by country legend Daniel O’Donnell as he marks his… Read more »

December 16, 2021 Craic & Codology

Pushy in Boots Starring Vlad Varadkar as Pushy, Micheál Martin as Dick, and Eamon Ryan as Mistress Wishy-Washy. Special guest appearances by prissy panto dame Mary Lou McDonald and Danny Healy-Rae as Boo-Boo the Monkey. Fun for all the family. (“Oh no, it isn’t!”) Cinderfella Traditional contemporary, non-binary production sponsored by the Irish Times with… Read more »

December 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

Cabinet – Where the drinks are kept Motion – Sign the drinker is no longer unconscious The Speaker Of The House – Thing the music comes out of Standing Orders – Demanding someone gets up off the floor Table – Thing for drinking other people under Question Time – Who leaked the f**king video?! Second… Read more »

December 15, 2021 Craic & Codology

Fitness fanatics have hit out at the government’s new health regulations, which they claim are deeply discriminatory. Exercise lovers have accused Micheál Martin of doing “diddly squat” since becoming taoiseach, and relying on planks like Stephen Donnelly. Others have vented their frustrations over what they believe is the rank hypocrisy on display. “Members of cabinet… Read more »

December 2, 2021 Craic & Codology

Experts have warned that the worrying new ‘Omnicrony’ strain may have been circulating in Ireland for some time already. Political scientists are increasingly of the opinion that recent high-profile instances of government ministers coughing up lucrative gigs or confidential information for their close contacts are now directly attributable to Omnicronyism. “What with Zappergate and Leo’s… Read more »

December 2, 2021 Craic & Codology

Ryan’s Model Railway Have hours of fun with this toy metro train, as it’s about as close as you’ll get to one in Ireland for about two decades! Toy Tractor Perfect for staging your very own climate protest! See if you can get the government to continue subsidising your impressive carbon foorprint! Etch-a-Sketch Pretend you’re… Read more »

December 2, 2021 Craic & Codology

National Lottery officials have called for an urgent investigation into what they describe as a “suspicious pattern of behaviour” in recent months. The organisation said it was deeply concerned at rumours that several politicians were claiming to have ‘hit the jackpot’ since they were elected to the Dáil. This is believed to be a reference… Read more »

December 2, 2021 Craic & Codology

Three Little Pigs Housing minister Darragh O’Brien grows insanely jealous after the piggies manage to build more houses in an afternoon than he has in almost two years. Expect plenty of huffing and puffing about how he’s going to save his bacon. The Little Merman Convinced that he is a big fish, Leo Varadkar hopes… Read more »

December 2, 2021 Craic & Codology

Records show that the first report of a rare Sláintecaresus sighting was recorded in Ireland in 2017 BC (Before Covid), during the Harrisonic period. Legend has it that the meat of ‘the Sláinte thing’, as it was colloquially known, held great health benefits if anybody ever swallowed it. Unfortunately, sightings of the cumbersome creature were… Read more »

December 2, 2021 Craic & Codology

Conflicting reports from several ministers as to whether further restrictions would be reimposed has led to yet more public consternation. “We are doing our utmost to remove any confusion by changing and updating our advice as frequently as possible,” said one coalition spokesperson. When pressed on what, if any, additional restrictions were being considered, they… Read more »

December 2, 2021 Craic & Codology

The recent efforts of Farrell’s fearless 15 against New Zealand, plus an assortment of other nations, were truly herculean. With the World Cup now just two short years away, it behoves us all to start ratcheting up the pressure and expectations on this young team to never-before-seen levels. What’s more, it is incumbent on Dublin… Read more »

December 2, 2021 Craic & Codology

Rory McIlory As someone who frequently goes missing on the big stage when under the spotlight, I feel Peng Shuai’s pain. The number of times I’ve disappeared without a trace is truly remarkable. I just hope this distressing situation gets resolved soon. Mick Wallace The focus being given to this story by imperial western media… Read more »

December 2, 2021 Craic & Codology

Dublin hotel owners have promised Garth Brooks fans that they are prepared to exercise “some flexibility” when it comes to booking accommodation for next year’s concerts. “We fully appreciate that many visitors will not all have a strong cash flow to meet the necessary higher costs that we have no choice but to apply”, says… Read more »

December 2, 2021 Craic & Codology

Garth Brooks From one country superstar to another, it’s truly an honour to pay tribute to this son of Donegal. Daniel and I have both been described as music royalty, although, in fairness, only one of us has accepted an MBE. Jeffrey Donaldson Over the years people have remarked that I bear a striking resemblance… Read more »

December 2, 2021 Craic & Codology

By Pa Nicattack There were growing fears last night that reports on the new Omicron Covid-19 variant may prove super-resistant to all forms of hyperbolic description currently available to editors and publishers. “We’ve thrown the thesaurus at it this morning and we still haven’t managed to say how bad it is!” explained one struggling editor,… Read more »

December 2, 2021 Craic & Codology

The nation may have to review its evaluation of the late taoiseach as a new biography brings fresh insight on Charlie Haughey’s life through such prisms as: Religion: Charlie emerges as a deeply devout personality who would often reference Jesus Christ; such as when presented with a bill at Dublin’s Le Coq Hardi restaurant, or… Read more »

December 2, 2021 Craic & Codology

I can’t help but feel that the torching of police cars is a cry for more bicycle lanes across Europe’s streets. We must take heed and provide more cycle lanes if we’re to avoid our peaceful, low-energy marches turning into carnage. Minister for Greenery, Eamon Ryan This is the worst generation of rioters I’ve seen!… Read more »

December 2, 2021 Craic & Codology

Best work of fiction: Government’s Climate Action Plan Best cook book: Egg On My Face by Bertie Ahern Best sports book: Keeping A Low Profile by Roy Keane Best long story: Zapponegate by Simon Coveney Best horror story: The Irish Health Service by Stephen Donnelly Best mystery book: The Leak by Leo Varadkar Best fantasy… Read more »

December 2, 2021 Craic & Codology

BoJo was a toff who thought he was a leader But he knew it couldn’t last BoJo swapped his home in central London For a Peppa Pig World pass You’re gas, you’re gas You’re gas but you’re the PM You lie, you lie You lie and then you lie again Get lost, BoJo…

December 2, 2021 Craic & Codology

Bernard Durkan With his determination to maximise every opportunity the Kildare North TD would be the perfect choice to ensure that the right ball is played every time. Katherine Zappone The former TD would use her experience at playing the game to highlight to players the right channels to nip in on the blind side… Read more »

December 2, 2021 Craic & Codology

August 9, 1971 A wonderful day for Northern Ireland as new laws allow the police and army to round up a variety of yahoos and hooligans. The streets are instantly safer and the province enjoys their cup of tea even more that last night. January 30, 1972 A pleasant day with people tucking into their… Read more »

December 2, 2021 Craic & Codology

Google Ireland has issued a grovelling apology following a recent tax settlement with the Revenue Commissioners. The tech giant insisted it was “deeply sorry” for a financial mix-up which resulted in it having to hand over a massive cheque to the taxman . It’s believed the company top brass thought the much publicised “right to… Read more »

November 4, 2021 Craic & Codology

Hello Glasgow, or – as my good ancestors back in Éireann say – ‘Top o’ the morning to ya’. After two years of dealing with each other through Zoom, I’m glad that we were able to fly thousands of people here from around the world to discuss, in person, how we all need to change… Read more »