January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

Foreign eclairs minister Simon Covetous is to meet Russian ambassador Igor Dontrustmeaninch to raise issues about upcoming Russian navy tests off the coast of Cork. The minister is said to be concerned the Russkies may be packing second-rate lumpfish caviar and not the desired Beluga type mandatory at all Foreign Affairs get-togethers. Speaking aboard his… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

Concern is growing in government over Simon Coveney, after the foreign affairs minister completed an unprecedented 24-hour period without being caught up in a new controversy. In recent times, the minister has been dealing with the fall-out from the chronic debacle of the DFA champagne reception, which itself followed quickly on the heels of the… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

by Phil Pages THE ONSLAUGHT of recent ‘Toxic Men’ filler articles within Irish media circles continued yesterday with several hundred more sightings of provocative opinion pieces appearing throughout the country’s newspapers. “It’s outrageous that no reader is safe from these irate fillers, which can seemingly appear on the front pages at any time,” said one… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

Simon Coveney While he is officially meant to be participating in the skiing at this year’s tournament, most experts agree that he has been on the slide for months. Has told his supporters not to expect a Champagne performance. Norma Foley Her tendency to skate on thin ice means that she has an outside chance… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

Following the U-turn on proposals to allow Northern Ireland MPs to also work as MLAs, some prominent people give their take. Totes! I manage to lead a political party, help run the country, work as a volunteer vaccinator at a Covid centre, and still find time to head off to music festivals abroad. How do… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

Experts have announced that the world is at the beginning of a mass extinction event due to climate change. “One need look no further than Fine Gael’s popularity ratings to see that several once widespread species are in danger of disappearing,” warned one political scientist. “The electoral climate is rapidly changing and many groups are… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

AN APPEAL has been launched by the NUJ to raise funds so that hooked hacks can start to live a normal life again. Over the course of the past two years, thousands of journalists have become utterly dependent on Covid-19 related stories. Although in the early days, the articles were delivered on a slow release… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

Boundaries – Aesthetics are vitally important and I would recommend stonewalling as much as possible. Patio – It’s imperative to have a large area in which to entertain guests visiting for, er, work events. Maintenance – The noxious little weed Dominic Cummings is very bitter and can get out of control in the blink of… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

Deep unrest continues across Ireland as people claim they are being unfairly denied €1,000 bonuses. An Garda Many on-duty members were compelled to endure queueing on the street in all weathers to bring life-sustaining burgers, battered sausages and chips back to the squad car. Politicians The difficulties some TDs have encountered trying to claim their… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

Joe Quinn, vice-president of Mandate, the trade union representing former Debenhams workers, has sought to clarify his controversial comments on the workers’ strike. “Screenshots of my messages saying that picketing workers should’ve gotten ‘fuck all’, and that the book detailing their strike was doggerel of the highest order and should only be used as ‘toilet… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

Andy Farrell has said he is looking forward to the forthcoming Six Nations campaign. “The boys have been working non-stop and updating their Instagram pages hourly,” said Farrell. “They’ve been breaking records with their speed, especially when they spot a lucrative sponsorship deal. And given that we are so fancied to challenge this year, I… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

The government has welcomed RTÉ’s decision to transfer responsibility for the National Symphony Orchestra to the National Concert Hall. A spokesperson for RTÉ said that while the broadcaster was sad about the move, it was the right thing to do in order to save money. “Financing an orchestra doesn’t make any sense when so many… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

Micheál’s Meat Loaf Playlist I’d Do Anything for Fianna Fáil (But I won’t Do That) Go into coalition with Sinn Féin You Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth On Leo stealing all the limelight (Now Don’t be Sad ’cause) Two Out Of Three Ain’t Bad On Green party policies he’s implemented Dead Ringer… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

by Our Financial Staff Phil Boots IRELAND’S billionaires have increased their wealth by more than €18bn since the outbreak of Covid-19, according to a controversial report, with Oxfam claiming the country’s super-rich elite have been able to make a mint out of the pandemic-fuelled stock market boom. Reacting to the news, Mary Lou McDonald said:… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

There is mounting pressure for the State to adopt a hybrid Leaving Cert model this year, with students keen that their performances in video games such as ‘Hitman’ and ‘FIFA’ be acknowledged. There is also a growing view that points should be granted for Instagram likes and shares on Facebook and Twitter. “Norma Foley needs… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

Bar owners have reacted to the lifting of restrictions with a promise to return to “business as usual”. According to a spokesperson for the lobby – sorry, representative – group, for the trade, things are set to return to normal “quicker than you can shout ‘Time now ladies and gentlemen, please!’”. “It will be like… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

In common with all other newspapers, we may in recent times have given the impression that the Omicron variant heralded the end of civilisation as we know it. In particular, this may have been suggested by headlines such as ‘APOCALYPSE NOW’, ‘IT’S THE END OF THE WORLD’ and ‘WE’RE F****D’. However, with Ireland having passed… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

Wee Garda Winkie runs through the town Up streets and down streets, wearing his worst frown Crying, “When I signed up, I never had it planned To fight Covid from the front line – so I deserve a grand! Bah! Bah! Boris have you any wool? Yes I have indeed Jeff, my stock is rather… Read more »

January 27, 2022 Craic & Codology

Martin Roil, Books Corr Colm Tóibín has expressed his delight at being selected as the new laureate for Irish fiction, saying the acknowledgement of his literary genius was overdue. “I’m not one for accolades, though it has been said I am one of the literary giants of the age,” commented Tóibín. “I feel there is… Read more »

January 13, 2022 Craic & Codology

Leo Varadkar Has lost what little appeal he had left since stepping on Tony Holohan’s toes. His trademark strutting is clear for all to see, but he has struggled to get anybody to follow his lead because of his terrible poll efforts. Micheál Martin Lives in constant fear of the dreaded leadership manoeuvres, and is… Read more »

January 13, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Hazel Nutt Northern Ireland was immersed in another confection controversy last night as a man claimed that British and European leaders are discriminating against him by refusing to provide ‘the icing on the cake’ in accordance with his beliefs. “Myself and a lot of other blokes I relate to are being discriminated against because… Read more »

January 13, 2022 Craic & Codology

Dear DFA employee, You are cordially invited to an impromptu get-together in Iveagh House, which I unfortunately won’t be attending (in case Katherine Zappone asks of my whereabouts again). A selection of drinks and cocktails will be provided, including: Sex on the Breach To hell with the rules, this fruity number will get you in… Read more »

January 13, 2022 Craic & Codology

This is Jay. Many people will remember Jay for his dedicated efforts to nourish the hungry and sooth the thirsty in society for many years, even organising fun weekend brunches for those suffering from hangovers. Although he once believed a statue would be erected in his honour, instead, poor Jay’s gallant efforts at hospitality have… Read more »

January 13, 2022 Craic & Codology

AS THE beginning of 2022 marks a decade of centenaries in Irish history, the Orange Order has accused the UK government of “totally failing to properly celebrate” the centenary of Northern Ireland last year. The order’s grand secretary complained that a major opportunity to build unionist confidence had been missed. “It was a golden opportunity… Read more »

January 13, 2022 Craic & Codology

Pat Squeaky reports Following on from the revelations that a rogue fox urinated in the Department of the Taoiseach, and that dead rats were found in the Leinster House car park, a new pest crisis has emerged in the oireachtas, as TDs return after the Christmas break. “Half of them look like something the cat… Read more »

January 13, 2022 Craic & Codology

From the Book of Covid: Prophet Leo Comes A Cropper And in the year 20 a terrible plague didst strike the land and great was the fear and loathing amongst the people. But Hallelujah, there walked, though sometimes he didst jog, amongst them a prophet known as Leo. And many were the preachings of Leo,… Read more »

January 13, 2022 Craic & Codology

Block: Novak Djokovic meets Australian Border Force Spin: Scott Morrison holding another press conference Chip: Thing Djokovic has on his shoulder Court: Where visa dispute ends up Love: None lost between Djokovic and Morrison

January 13, 2022 Craic & Codology

THE GARDA Representative Association (GRA) has warned of a rising crime wave after revealing that the numbers of gardaÍ available for work has now fallen to 80% of the force. The crisis is expected to worsen in the coming days as the Omicron variant of Covid continues to spread among the boys and gals in… Read more »

January 13, 2022 Craic & Codology

Following on from the Operation Transformation controversy, a new storm has erupted over the RTÉ programming being fed to viewers, with particular anger over the array of comedy tripe, cheesy drama and waffly sports analysis. “Licence-payers’ blood pressure has gone through the roof,” said a medical expert. “The situation has reached crisis point, especially when… Read more »

January 13, 2022 Craic & Codology

The government’s entire agenda for 2022 has been thrown into chaos, with non-essential procedures having been called to a halt. The coalition had previously planned the usual schedule of self-promoting interviews, shameless PR stunts, meaningless soundbites and turgid social media posts over the next 12 months. Now the focus is on panic stations. “As always,… Read more »

January 13, 2022 Craic & Codology

The EU’s proposal to class investment in gas and nuclear energy development as ‘green’ has caused widespread outrage. Said one expert: “This is absolutely unacceptable. Associating the gas and nuclear industries with incredibly harmful ‘green’ policies and parties is utterly unfair. “While Chernobyl, for example, was a regrettable incident, just look at the disaster the… Read more »

January 13, 2022 Craic & Codology

After winning the New York Times’s ‘Worst prediction of 2021’ award, the tánaiste has issued more predictions for this year… Kilkenny footballers to win All Ireland Italy to win Six Nations Vogue Williams to adopt a low media profile Ronan Keating to release great album RTÉ to make funny comedy show

January 13, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Carl O’Whine A school in rural Ireland was left scrambling to arrange for substitute staff yesterday after a pupil unexpectedly turned up for class. The situation is unprecedented, as the Covid crisis results in deserted classrooms, with Leaving Cert students spending the day in bed. “I’ve almost completed the Hitman game I got for… Read more »

December 16, 2021 Craic & Codology

Green Lights Low-energy and high-maintenance unit which always manages to get tangled up in knots, despite the presence of big divisions. A deeply irritating tendency to keep blinking at key moments means they won’t be on everybody’s wishlist this Christmas. Varadkar Tinsel Flashy and breathtakingly lightweight, this brash strip is regularly accused of being all… Read more »