February 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Soccer journalists are in a deep state of shock after it emerged that Damien Duff may not be their new messiah after all. Headlines such as ‘Duffer’s No Bluffer’, ‘Duff Avoids The Guff’, and ‘Can’t Get Enough Of The Wonderful Duff’ are now thought to look a bit premature following Shelbourne’s recent thumping. Duff admits… Read more »

February 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Best Picture: Niall Burgess And The Civil Servants Best Backdrop: Leo The Leak Best Prepared Script: Norma Foley’s Speeches Best Misuse Of Budget: Robert Watt’s Pay Rise Best Bit Part: Greens Lifetime Underachievement Award: Irish Soccer Team Best Overexposure: Marian Keyes Best Soft Focus: Ryan Tubridy

February 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

There has been a surprise reaction to the proposed new lobbying laws, with many in the corporate sector being unaware there were any TDs left to be bought off. However, the proposed toughening of legislation has alerted lobbyists to potential opportunities. “It’s astonishing there are still a few deputies who aren’t in the pockets of… Read more »

February 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

LEGO is delighted to announce that to celebrate the opening of a new retail store in Ireland, a special brick for the local market has been produced. Pre-order your exclusive LEGO Mica© brick now!

February 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Regionalism: Blame to be devolved at every opportunity Infrastructure: HSE to keep handing out hospital passes Budget: Robert Watt’s salary has used up most of it Trolleys: Continue to wheel out Paul Reid to deal with the pesky media Recruitment: Try to doctor waiting lists as much as possible Equipment: Sláintecare to be put on… Read more »

February 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

A prominent Fine Gael senator has hit out at the organisers of an outdoor rally organised by the National Women’s Council ahead of International Women’s Day. Speaking on RTÉ, Regina Doherty said it was “an absolute disgrace” to exclude speakers from the three government parties. “It’s both juvenile and sexist that we have not been… Read more »

February 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

The world of sport has been rocked to its foundations, after it was discovered an athlete competing at the Winter Olympics wasn’t at the centre of doping allegations. The development represents a major setback for the competition. “We completely condemn this outrageous act of genuine sportsmanship,” said an Olympic official. “We look forward to putting… Read more »

February 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Dee Sappear Britain’s Queen Elizabeth is “still pondering” whether to approach Ireland’s Labour party with a view to her beleaguered son Prince Andrew joining the ranks, according to sensational revelations. “Her Majesty is desperately keen to see Andrew hidden away and totally ignored,”said a palace insider. “Someone suggested Éire’s Labour party as an ideal… Read more »

February 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

by Our Security staff Phil Cells Garda commissioner Drew Harris has said he is “delighted” to have had his employment contract extended by two years until 2025. “My previous management role in the PSNI secret service has been a tremendous help in restructuring my attitude to policing here in the south,” he told reporters. “For… Read more »

February 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Storm Micheál Has caused complete mayhem across the country over the past two years, but full of bluster and likely to peter out shortly. Storm Leo Described by meteorologists as a total washout, but has still been responsible for the occasional leak. Storm Eamon Meekly follows the other two and is likely to be judged… Read more »

February 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Exclusive by all foreign correspondents Sources at this reporter’s Moscow hotel have said that Russia is continuing to send troops to the Ukrainian border, directly contradicting somebody I met in a bar last night, who stated that Vladimir Putin has begun withdrawing troops. What is certain is that Moscow is a fine city with exciting… Read more »

February 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Gail Force Families across Ireland were getting back to normal last night as one of the longest and strongest storms in the history of the state finally receded. Storm NPHET blew into Ireland in March 2020 and immediately cast huge clouds over everybody while it reigned. Millions were forced to baton down the hatches… Read more »

February 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Hopes are fading that a permanent resolution can be found to the nightmarish situation which we now find ourselves in. The world looked on in horror as both sides kept threatening all-out war if they didn’t get their way and all efforts to broker an acceptable solution have failed to gain any traction. “Ideologues on… Read more »

February 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Here they are – the frontrunners to fill Ivana Bacik’s Trinity College seat! Ursula Quill  Hotly tipped to take the hot seat: “I’m hoping to win, even though I know I will be mocked by socialists everywhere for supporting a fringe party such as Labour.” Patricia McKenna Intensely ambitious one-time Independent MEP who plans to… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

The northern executive has been enveloped by a fresh crisis, after a full day elapsed without a DUP minister resigning their post. Adding to the turmoil, party leader Jeffrey Donaldson refused to rule out further periods of extended calm. “Northern Ireland has grown used to the DUP being an embarrassing shambles,” said Donaldson. “While this… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

A glut of fillers about Russian navy exercises have been spotted in Irish newspapers, intelligence sources have confirmed. The exercises in pointless speculation have also been accompanied by a large build-up of graphs, maps and flashy illustrations. “I’m really in the trenches here,” said a leading newspaper designer. “There’s heavy shelling from editorial, with increased… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

by Our Arts Staff Colm Nist It barely seems credible that it is exactly one hundred years ago since Ireland began celebrating the centenary of James Joyce’s classic novel Ulysses. It all began with a huge Irish Times article by Jawn Banville in which he described Joyce’s book as “a masterpiece that is almost –… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

The Picture Of Sue Gray A top civil servant paints a terrible picture of a hedonistic chancer (Boris Johnson) who regularly sells his soul in order to retain power. As cracks start to appear, Boris worries about looking flakey and oily. The Houses Not On The Hill Bloodcurdling horror about a heroic group of Dún… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Leo the Leak to Corky Micheál No-one, my dear, can take your place That is my estimation For sure, not I, unless the guards Drop their investigation. Eoghan Harris to Alan English Through sleepless nights my tears run dry And Sundays are so grim! Could we begin again if I Dropped Barbara J Pym? Neil… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

A vacancy has arisen in our long-established administrative apology sector. This is a very challenging position, with new opportunities to exercise one’s talents opening up almost on a daily basis. The successful applicant will work as part of a busy team and be efficient in devising and dispatching contrite correspondence on a regular basis. Availability… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

1) Poses a threat to morale, which must be kept low at all times. 2) Government forgot to roll out broadband in the area. 3) Employee’s great craic at lunch. 4) Employee runs the office fantasy football league. 5) Office plants may die (again) without employee’s green fingers. 6) Employee’s a Shinner. 7) A good… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Students have reacted angrily to the return to an exams-only format for Leaving Cert 2022. In one survey, 98% said they would prefer a hybrid model including accredited grades by a favourite teacher of their choice. “I mean, it’s a total insult to our, like, basic human rights after all we’ve suffered to expect us… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Following Hazel Chu’s announcement that she is standing for election in the Seanad byelection to fill Ivana Bacik’s vacant seat, Goldhawk discovered some of the other positions the perenially unelected Chu has gone for in the past:  At three years old she applied to replace Charlie Haughey as leader of Fianna Fáil At 14 she… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Dessie Doesn’t inspire the same level of fear as its ruthless predecessor, and most people believe they can beat it. Experts believe Dessie will be tested extensively over the coming months and may disappear in late 2022. Watt Public concern about its massive rise hasn’t had any effect, even after Watt was recently detected in… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Minister Eamon Ryan has angrily denied allegations he hates roads after several Fine Gael backbenchers accused him of slow walking infrastructure projects, but has admitted that he does have concerns about the over-reliance on cars. “It’s obvious the government has run out of road and are driving people around the bend. Everyday a member of… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Pressure is growing on government to take decisive action, as ministers’ grotesquely inflated egos balloon to unprecedented proportions. The crisis comes amid growing unhappiness at the soaring cost of living, with many government TDs saying they are unable to afford extensions to their second and third homes. “It’s shocking how swollen ministers’ heads have gotten,”… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

The government celebrated the inaugural Chinese-Irish Lunar New Year, the ‘Year of the Celtic Tiger’ with a series of spectacular events. At a ceremony to launch the celebrations, the taoiseach noted that, “In addition to being a great bunch of lads, Chinese people are willing to spend at least €1m to live in Ireland through… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Exclusive by all sports columnist It seems like only this time last year I was writing how Dublin would win 20 All-Irelands in a row, but following their back-to-back losses to Mayo and Armagh, it’s now clear that Dessie Farrell’s sorry charges are in chronic disarray. There is no limit to how low they can… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

by Phillipa Space Last week we asked Bougie Times readers to have their say on remote working. Below is a selection of their responses. “My employer wants me to return to the office for a day a week. How am I expected to deal with this tyranny? It’s an affront to my human right to… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Retail: Simon Coveney will never have to pay the price for anything Transport: Fine Gael won’t hesitate to tell Eamon Ryan where to get off Childcare: Department of Health maintaining policy of babysitting Stephen Donnelly Home heating: Ask Jeffrey Donaldson and the DUP to stop adding fuel to the fire Retrofitting: Developers will politely tell… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Following the recent reports about Roy Keane and Sunderland, Russian president Vlad Putin said he fully supports a managerial return for the volatile Cork man. “Roy is a man after my own heart,” he said. “Takes no nonsense and unafraid to go on the offensive. He could even be a great statesman some day –… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Taoiseach Micheál Martin is considering a complete overhaul of the Irish military after glaring inadequacies were recently exposed. The Fianna Fáil leader is believed to be particularly concerned about the ability to stave off attacks from those with hostile intent. “Micheál said Jim O’Callaghan has been going under the radar for months now, and this… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

An Post is increasing postage costs next month, with the price of a national letter stamp rising to €1.25. The controversial decision was strongly defended by a company spokesperson yesterday: “This latest adjustment is entirely in keeping with our established price rise policy, going forward.” But postmaster and part-time Independent TD Michael Healy Rae hit… Read more »

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

(Top secret – strictly authorised personnel only) In case of outside attack, troops should adhere to following protocol… Somebody pick up nearest sling-shot Might be few hurls stashed under stairs Think there’s also a rolling pin somewhere in kitchen? Fresh supply of stones in front yard available for chucking Er… … That’s it

February 10, 2022 Craic & Codology

Following on from the huge attention garnered by Pam & Tommy, Disney has announced a follow-up mini-series entitled Leo & Micheál. The show will examine the duo’s dysfunctional relationship and dramatic ups and downs, including a disastrous period in government, when a series of leaks placed Leo in the harsh glare of the media spotlight…. Read more »