April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

The government has reconfirmed its commitment to neutrality, saying it plans to remain hopelessly indecisive for the foreseeable future. At present, it adheres to the so-called triple-lock mechanism, whereby Micheál Martin, Leo Varadkar and Eamon Ryan all remain equally ineffectual. “Citizens can rest assured that ministers remain completely indifferent to the problems facing the country,”… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

Irish Times journalists have expressed outrage at the government’s proposed latte levy, with many fearing taxes on wine-tasting and Pilates classes could be next. Now, many hacks in Tara Street fear they may have to forego their Leinster rugby season tickets. Raged one IT contributor: “This government is waging a dangerous war on Ireland’s middle… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

Religion: How often do people get on their knees and pray: Whenever they see their new energy bill Diet: Number who swallow anything Michael Healy-Rae says: Danny Exercise: Most practised exercise method for Eir customers: chasing shadows Health: Most common reaction to RTÉ licence fee: blood boiling Crime: Most commonly reported mugging: driver insurance

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

The Varadkar Wonderful packaging and intense marketing can’t hide the fact that this thing is completely hollow and has a tendency to sicken everybody. With the sell-by date rapidly approaching, it may soon be put back in its box. The Eamon Ryan Incredibly bland, and prone to cracking under even slight pressure. Government sources say… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Olly Garch As the fallout from the expulsion of Russian diplomats from Ireland continues, the Russian embassy has denied that any of its staff were engaged in spying activities from the Orwell Road address. Said one enraged Russian official: “It’s all very well for Minister Coveney, to sit in a private, sealed room, alongside… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

In plans announced by the Department of Education yesterday, old-fashioned written exams – which many candidates consider boring and irrelevant – are to be gradually replaced by a combination of online self-assessment and H1 grades. In addition, students entering the senior cycle in September 2023 will have the option of marking their own papers. Several exciting new… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

The GAA has announced a disciplinary investigation into Will Smith’s punching of Chris Rock at the Oscars. “It’s unacceptable to us in the GAA to see an act of such small-scale physical violence get the coverage it did,” said one GAA official. “Pretty much every week there’ll be videos circulating on social media of lads… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

Roman Abramovich The Russian oligarch’s allegedly close relations with President Putin would likely see him bring a unique insight into medical procedures and their consequences, especially in the fields of toxicology. Alan Kelly The former Labour leader has gained invaluable experience in nursing the ailing and the near-lifeless in recent years, which would be of… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

President Higgins has appealed to trade unions to take the lead in unleashing human potential and warned that soaring inflation is leading to a rise in Ireland’s ‘working poor’. “The working class used to mean salt-of-the-earth factory types who trod the cobbled backstreets of Galway and were too busy washing themselves in tin baths to… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

Welfare: Ministers will try and protect theirs Energy: Discourage voters from turning up the heat Food: Coalition to abolish Vat on sour grapes Transport: Stop Sinn Féin from derailing carbon taxes Clothing: Tell Eamon Ryan to put a sock in it Fuel: Prepare motorists for the hard road ahead Health: FG TDs getting cold feet… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

The government has come under renewed pressure from farmers’ lobbying groups to reverse its decision to expel four diplomats from the Russian embassy. Said one representative: “With the cost of fertiliser sky-rocketing, now’s not the time for the government to boot them out. Those Russian diplomats spout enough manure every time they open their mouths… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

Inflation Nation Has been galloping out of control for months now but very little effort is being made to rein it in. Owner Micheál Martin claims he has little intention of chasing after it, but even he recognises it’s a massive handicap. Hazel Chewed Up Flopped again in spectacular style during the Trinity Chase and… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

Having become disillusioned with the superficial world of People-Before-Profit, super-model Bella Hadid has sought to shine a light on the comparatively low-profile world of fashion. “I have grown tired of self-obsessed prima donnas like Mick Barry and Gino Kenny,” said Hadid. “Ditto Richard Boyd-Barrett and Paul Murphy. Sure, Trotskyist politics offers escapist entertainment, and the… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

As the Irish women’s rugby team impressed again on the pitch with a narrow 35-point defeat against France in the Six Nations, questions are being asked about why the performances have not been rewarded with the points they deserve. Among the inequalities faced by the Irish team are the fact that some of the opposition… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

By Jack Horgan-Groans The government is considering emergency measures to help curtail spiralling energy prices, with ministers forced to do something other than pay lip service to the issue. In particular, it is believed that the prospect of being voted out en masse sent an electrical charge through the cabinet. “There were sparks flying,” acknowledged… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

Minister Simon Coveney is making a rapid recovery following his harrowing ordeal at an event in Belfast recently. Organisers said they took the decision to evacuate Coveney from the building after receiving a security tip-off that Fine Gael was bombing in opinion polls. No group has yet claimed responsibility, but it’s believed virtually every section… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

Dessie Farrell Sometimes it can be hard to get workers to opt in to a boss’s plans. My advice is to get it up and running as soon as possible. You’ll end up paying a terrible price for not planning as the county board like to say. Robbie Keane Find a job you love and… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

Newly elected Labour leader Ivana Bacik says her party “has been very heartened” by the resurgence in Covid-19 cases across the country. “This is a virus that everyone in Ireland assumed was on its last legs and fading into oblivion”, explained the Dublin Bay South TD. “And yet here it is, rising from the ashes,… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

Global politics has ground to a halt following Tom Clonan’s victory in the Seanad byelection. The security analyst’s win in Ivana Bacik’s vacant Trinity seat is seen by many commentators as a game changer in international affairs, with Joe Biden and Vladimir Putin set to deliver live televised addresses in the forthcoming days. “No longer… Read more »

April 7, 2022 Craic & Codology

Guynecologist: Male doctor specialising in women’s health Pelvic floor: Foundations of the glass ceiling Unclenatal: Patriarchal medical term which means ‘before birth’ Jaundiced: Views disseminated by idle hacks griping about interview panels Morning sickness: How you feel after reading about this story Haemorrhaging: What happens to readership when they are exposed to it

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Ukrainian war refugees arriving in Ireland, having been given a warm welcome, after many of them vowed to do all in our power “to help the people of this most unfortunate country”. Many of the arrivals say their hearts were broken “to see such suffering” endured by their host families. “Day and night it’s an… Read more »

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

by Our Moscow Correspondent Phil Graves WHO IS he – this charismatic Chechen leader currently fighting alongside invading Russian forces in Ukraine? Ramazamadam Krazykov is widely seen as an integral part of the Kremlin’s military masterplan. He posted several videos last night – flanked by right-hand men Adam Depravov and Wazi Alkruk – that showed… Read more »

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Ukrainians arrive in the midlands AS UKRAINIAN refugees are welcomed with open arms here, the experience has left some refugees scarred. “Our truck had to swerve around craters in the road, so progress to reach safety was slow. Every town we passed looked bombed out. When we finally made it to our destination, we had… Read more »

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Under no circumstances should leaks be reported All dirty laundry to be dealt with and kept in-house Pets, especially lapdogs, are always welcome No loud music unless it’s Kylie Minogue Rubbish won’t be removed before the reshuffle Leo will continue to clean up until the next election Absolutely no squatters (Harris, McEntee, etc)

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Irish consumers struggling with spiralling heating costs, say they owe Green Party leader and environment minister Eamon Ryan “big time” for preventing them from “freezing in our own living rooms”. A smiling contented barber in Tipperary said, “Fair play, I was watching Minister Ryan fielding questions on Prime Time last night and my blood started… Read more »

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Labour Lane A once vibrant location that teemed with energetic ideologists plotting a better future for all but now sadly in tragic decline with the roof caving in and signs of dereliction everywhere. Montrose Meadows This tight-knit community is synonymous with persistent begging despite boasting some of the highest paid workers in the country. Residents… Read more »

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Joe Biden: Hey, old buddy! Good times for Micheál because it’s the first positive news he’s had in years. Leo Varadkar: Obviously, you have to feel sorry for somebody who’s clearly sinking fast. On the plus side, the taoiseach doesn’t really have any close contacts. Nancy Pelosi: Is that the quiet guy who was cowering… Read more »

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

With direct provision centres already under pressure, alternative accommodation is now being sought for the growing number of Ukrainian refugees coming into the country. Housing minister Darragh O’Brien has published an initial list for consideration: Labour Party HQ Located in the fashionable southside of Dublin within a short walking distance of Trinity College, immigrants will… Read more »

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Taoiseach Micheál Martin has moved to reassure the public nothing will change as a result of his exile in the United States. The Fianna Fáil leader has found himself stranded across the Atlantic following his Covid-19 diagnosis but has vowed to continue with his work from abroad policy. However, many political experts fear he could struggle… Read more »

March 24, 2022 Craic & Codology

Once again, we have witnessed a heartwarming/underwhelming performance by this inspirational/predictably undercooked team of uplifting/misfiring and young/past their prime players, whose tireless/woeful efforts to match and outmanoeuvre their opponents left supporters over the moon/sick as parrots and indicated, without a sliver of doubt that the team is on the cusp of an exhilarating/humiliating era. Credit/blame… Read more »