September 22, 2022 Craic & Codology

CORGIS PRINCE ANDREW Part of the royal court Part of a royal court case Live in Buckingham Palace Still in the doghouse Bred by the queen Neutered by Charles Eat fillet steak Made a dog’s dinner on Newsnight Wear collars Avoided having collar felt Buried at royal residence Grave allegations Occasionally bite Epstein links came… Read more »

September 21, 2022 Craic & Codology

More figures in the sights of the Spanish authorities MIKE HATCHET-MAN Shady Dublin-based figure who insists his heavily guarded, multi-million compound was acquired through “entirely legitimate and non-suspect means”. His lawyers claim the recent deaths of several business associates were “attributable to heart attacks caused by poor lifestyle choices”. JOHN DIRTBAG Low-profile figure who maintains… Read more »

September 21, 2022 Craic & Codology

THE NUMBER of first-class honours degrees awarded by Irish universities has increased for the 17th year running. According to higher education minister Simon Harris: “I’m absolutely delighted to announce that, for the first time, 99.7% of graduates have achieved the top grade possible. We must be on target to pass 100% next year. It’s a… Read more »

September 21, 2022 Craic & Codology

Accolades continued to pour in for Aer Lingus last night as the world hailed the enormous contribution Ireland’s ‘national airline’ has made to energy saving and cost-of-living increases over recent times. “Halving journey times by not providing return flights for thousands of passengers was a fantastic way of cutting aeroplane emissions and probably prevented flooding… Read more »

September 21, 2022 Craic & Codology

Taoiseach Micheál Martin has said there are no plans to increase inheritance tax, with the next government set to inherit a total disaster from the coalition. Mr Martin acknowledged the roof was about the fall in on the Government’s head and the lights were about to go out. “Trying to sort out the unholy mess… Read more »

September 21, 2022 Craic & Codology

Russian leader Vladimir Putin has said he is deeply concerned at the huge amounts of ground Fine Gael is losing. A recent batch of opinion polls showed that the party was being completed routed in every part of the State they now occupied. It’s believed the leadership is in complete denial about the scale of… Read more »

September 21, 2022 Craic & Codology

Fianna Fáil was in turmoil and confusion yesterday after one of its most prominent politicians was found to have actually given a fully accurate account of an event that had cast doubt on his reputation. Insiders described a party “rocked on its heels” after former agriculture minister Barry Cowen was found not to have tried… Read more »

September 8, 2022 Craic & Codology

The Taoiseach has said the Government doesn’t want Paschal Donohoe’s ego to get any more inflated as the country prepares for an “unprecedentedly” hyped budget. Meanwhile, an unpublished report has called for full implementation of an “accommodation tax”, whereby the Government continues to bend over backwards to accommodate multinationals. “Paschal has got an enormous bulging… Read more »

September 8, 2022 Craic & Codology

by Phil Boots NEW FIGURES published by RTÉ show that a total of 119 of its very talented staff earned over €100,000 in basic salary last year. Said director general Dee Forbes 100: “Once again, these figures are a repeat of previous years and show just how well the licence system can work, especially for… Read more »

September 8, 2022 Craic & Codology

Ireland’s fittest family The nation’s favourite exercise programme is back and running out of steam faster than ever. Join the mentors as they put the TV audience through a very punishing routine that is guaranteed to drain their energy. Keys to my life Brendan Courtney spends time with some beloved politicians as they give us… Read more »

September 8, 2022 Craic & Codology

By R Eachtas Dublin’s anti-social behaviour problems deepened even further last night as reports emerged that a well-known gang widely blamed for causing misery and mayhem are poised to return to the city on September 15. Locals had hoped the gang, who like to call themselves ‘the Government’, had left the city for good last… Read more »

September 8, 2022 Craic & Codology

RTÉ star Ryan Tubridy has said he may leave the organisation for another career. The sensational news was greeted with dismay throughout broadcasting circles as friends lined up to salute the man they simply refer to as ‘Tubs’. “He always comes up with some decent PR guff around this time,” said one overpaid RTÉ colleague. “We… Read more »

September 8, 2022 Craic & Codology

Landlord and “accidental minister” Stephen Donnelly has said failing to remember he was a Cabinet member was a “major oversight”. Mr Donnelly said he had taken immediate steps to rectify the situation, including turning up to his office and trying to revive the country’s collapsing health service. “Unfortunately I was busy dealing with a property… Read more »

September 8, 2022 Craic & Codology

The GAA is to launch an urgent disciplinary investigation after a referee ended a club fixture fully conscious. A viral video capturing the end of the game shows the official making his way from the field without an escort and failing to be punched or headbutted. “These scandalous scenes have no place in our association,”… Read more »

September 8, 2022 Craic & Codology

Fine Gaelus A member of the venomous Blueshirt family, these nasty creatures are renowned for their cannibalistic behaviour and effortlessly aggressive demeanour. They hate to be cornered, especially about public services. Fianna Fáils Widow This once-dominant grouping are a pale shadow of their former selves and look to be on the endangered list. A soft… Read more »

September 8, 2022 Craic & Codology

Micheál Martin IT’S WONDERFUL to welcome someone who represents all that is wholesome and good about country music. Unfortunately, some people still condemn Garth Brooks over things that happened in the distant past but that’s part of being in the public eye. I myself am still criticised by a few individuals about failing to perform… Read more »

September 8, 2022 Craic & Codology

The Government has announced the appointment of Dara Calleary as a junior minister in an effort to encourage responsible energy usage. It’s believed the Mayo TD has been in standby mode for quite some time and Taoiseach Micheál Martin worried that it would be “lights out” for his leadership if he didn’t give Calleary a… Read more »

September 8, 2022 Craic & Codology

Nasa has confirmed the coalition parties are shortly to land on the moon, with most Cabinet ministers having been living on a different planet for quite some time. Recent media appearances by Government figures, in which they have insisted they are on top of the cost-of-living crisis, have confirmed they are in outer space. “They’ve… Read more »