January 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

“Hey! Right! Hallelujah! Let’s hear it for Donny Trump. Yessiree! It’s so good to be right here with all you God-fearing Republican folk in Red Neck, Arizona. Yeah – let’s shoot some turkey. Welcome to my world. It’s a darn sight safer with Donald here as Commander-in-Chief and just a heart-beat away from the presidency…. Read more »

January 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

The world of sport was reeling last night as fresh claims emerged that dozens of players in the upper echelons of tennis may be under the influence of “massive doses” of a performance boosting substance during matches. Many of the game’s household names are said to have injected the substance – known on the circuit… Read more »

January 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

Dear constituent You may not remember me – I last called to your door five years ago. As I recall, you weren’t in on that occasion either. Since being elected as your TD, I have been active in a number of key areas, including climate change research, which involved trips to California, Malaysia and the… Read more »

January 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

Not used to doing something without being instructed first by Angela Merkel Still has to finish season five of Homeland Can’t work up nerve to defend austerity Too excited about Guns N’ Roses reunion Still room for more bullshit in manifesto           LATEST DEAD C POLL Who do you want to… Read more »

January 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

Advertisement  It’s the bored game no one’s talking about! In this exciting new game, you play a highly-paid party adviser with one challenge – forming a government in the aftermath of the election, at any cost! Use your negotiating skills to come to the best possible arrangement, and decide whether you will: build a bypass… Read more »

January 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

Louth County Council says it is “following with interest” reports of a possible ‘ninth planet’ existing in Earth’s solar system, as it attempts to relocate Traveller families it recently evicted. Said a council spokesman, “Certainly the planet would seem to provide ample space for play areas, parking and so on – and as far as… Read more »

January 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

Justice Minister Frances Fitzgerald has called for “reason and calm” amidst the ongoing controversy over GSOC and gardaí accessing journalists’ phone records. “We need a proper perspective here,” the minister is alleged to have told a close friend on the phone, according to a man whose niece is dating a garda. “Surely it’s better than… Read more »

January 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

Apartment measuring 15 sq m. Bed must be no more than 5cm from door, and ceiling no more than 4ft from floor. Contact Alan at Dept of Environment.  

January 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

As the election nears, Taoiseach Enda Kenny has assured voters that there will be no cuts to campaign spending by the Fine Gael party. “We have a modest E2bn war-chest and we’ll be using it wisely,” said Mr Kenny. “People can rest assured that there will be no cutbacks in key areas like health and… Read more »

January 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

LABOUR SUPPORTERS say they are shocked that FAI boss John Delaney is backing their candidate in Tipperary, Minister Alan Kelly. The soccer chief hit the streets of the Premier County with the TD, urging voters to get behind his friend in the upcoming election. “He always struck me as more of a Fianna Fáil guy,”… Read more »

January 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

In her latest bid to allay public concerns over access to phone records by gardaí and other state bodies, Garda Commissioner Noirín O’Sullivan has insisted that her organisation would only access private citizens’ records “in cases of extreme necessity”. “An Garda Síochána has no interest in journalists’ private lives,” said O’Sullivan. “We have no interest… Read more »

January 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

Like everyone else who didn’t know David Bowie, I knew him in a very special way that can only happen by knowing someone intimately through his music. To me, of course, the kind of relationship I shared with David was all the more meaningful for not knowing him in the usual sense. There have been… Read more »

January 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

GSOC agents who snooped on a number of Independent News & Media journalists came across a plot to flood the front pages with the latest celebrity gossip that ‘you need to know’. Expecting to uncover details of hidden political agendas, the agents were shocked to discover how Holly Carpenter ‘deals with haters and keyboard warriors’,… Read more »

January 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

by Our Security Staff, Conor Doolally A prominent journalist who cannot be named for legal reasons admitted last night that his telephone had not been hacked by gardaí at any stage over the past year. “When I found myself not being arrested at dawn, I immediately realised that something very peculiar was going on,” said the… Read more »

January 14, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Joky Corcoran Shocking results from the latest Millward Frown poll suggest that Irish people are becoming increasingly concerned about the number of extremists in their midst. In particular, alarm has grown about the prominence of the so-called Fine Gael organisation, headed up by the notoriously cutthroat duo of Enda bin Kenny and Mike al… Read more »

January 14, 2016 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Staff Martin Woeful The two ministers at the Department of Finance have paid tribute to each other, saying that their close personal relationship has been the key to Ireland’s continuing economic recovery. Announcing the latest Exchequer returns yesterday, Michael Noonan and Brendan Howlin posed for photographers and insisted that they had finally… Read more »

January 14, 2016 Craic & Codology

Taoiseach Enda Kenny has vehemently dismissed criticism of his government’s response to the country’s flood crisis, and insists it “reacted as quickly as possible” to the unfolding disaster. “I had scarcely finished my post-breakfast crossword before calling someone who knows who to ring for the helicopter,” says the FG leader. “I was very much aware… Read more »

January 14, 2016 Craic & Codology

Renua Ireland yesterday unveiled its 2016 election manifesto. The glossy full-colour 2-page document outlined the new party’s positions on a wide range of political issues, including taxation, crime and redressing the gender balance in government. “To kick-start the economy, we will bring in a compulsory flat tax rate of 0.23%,” said Lucinda Creighton. She also… Read more »

January 14, 2016 Craic & Codology

POLICITICANS FROM all the major political parties have dismissed calls for the introduction of a ‘clean candidates’ quota. An international democracy observation body has called for Ireland to ensure that 30 per cent of candidates running in local and general elections are not corrupt. However, there has been staunch resistance amongst political parties. “It’s totally artificial,”… Read more »

January 14, 2016 Craic & Codology

In response to North Korea’s latest nuclear test, the UN Security Council is gearing up to implement “significant” punitive measures against the Pyongyang government. In a statement released yesterday, Secretary General Ban Ki-moon warned North Korea that the UN would be re-issuing a new resolution condemning the reclusive state’s ability to further its nuclear weapons… Read more »

January 14, 2016 Craic & Codology

Towards the end of last year I discovered the joy of swimming and I would like to improve my strokes in deep water, especially as I believe that, with the help of Government policy, swimming will become an increasingly common activity in Ireland in the coming years. I would go so far as to say… Read more »

January 14, 2016 Craic & Codology

January 14, 2016 Craic & Codology

Email: guff@southsidetimes.con (no attachments – or anyone earning less than €100,000) Post: Nonsense Dept, Humbug Street, D2, Eire (beside UK) Follow Letters page on Twitter: @ITCrap Note: please provide name and address so we can weed out any non-professionals. Letters may be edited or cut – especially if from the northside   Failed rugby pundit… Read more »

January 14, 2016 Craic & Codology

by Our Media Staff Phillipa Column As speculation continues about who is to be RTÉ’s new director-general, several prominent names have emerged as front-runners for what has been described as “the biggest job in Irish broadcasting”. However, current deputy-director Kevin Bratwurst, a former BBC News executive, is being widely tipped as the favourite for the… Read more »

January 14, 2016 Craic & Codology

FOOTBALL BOSSES Sepp Blatter and Michel Platini are being head-hunted by all the major political parties ahead of the upcoming general election. The duo have been banned from football activities after an investigation by the Fifa Ethics Committee into a payment made by Blatter to Platini. Blatter claimed it was a ‘gentleman’s agreement’ and totally… Read more »

January 14, 2016 Craic & Codology

by Our Fever Staff Phil Space Is there too much coverage of the 1916 centenary in the national media? That is the crucial issue my editor has just asked me to address in this latest 900-word follow-up to yesterday’s piece on the historic commemorations. However, with just 75 days to go before the actual centenary… Read more »

December 17, 2015 Craic & Codology

Conor McGregor is celebrating his latest triumph after knocking out lightweight opponent Enda Kenny in just 13 seconds. In front of a packed house in Las Vegas, McGregor saw off the Mayo man in record time, leaving Kenny’s entourage – headed by Michael Noonan and Angela Merkel – to attempt to console the humiliated fighter…. Read more »

December 17, 2015 Craic & Codology

HUGH MCELVANEY says there are still plenty of wind farm opportunities in Monaghan and warned potential investors not to be put off by RTÉ’s shenanigans. The ex-Fine Gael councillor caught out the national broadcaster in a reverse sting, showing them up as part of a genius double jeopardy plot. But McElvaney is now concerned that… Read more »

December 17, 2015 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Staff – Phil Wallet THE Irish political scene was rocked today by the revelation that a local councillor had not asked for money in exchange for introducing an undercover RTÉ reporter to a network of influential government contacts. In an immediate reaction, other councillors from all the main parties condemned their colleague, saying,… Read more »

December 17, 2015 Craic & Codology

This is the season to be generous and just to prove that generosity works two ways, we at McElvaney’s ‘Planning and Investment Scheme Services ‘(PISS) are offering you these fabulous one-off reductions in our advisory service over the festive season.  Was:  Now Only:  Industrial Development:  €20,000  €15,000!!!  House Building:  €16,000  €12,000!!!  Home Extension:  €10,000  €8,000!!!… Read more »

December 17, 2015 Craic & Codology

By Our Meteorological Staff Pressure was growing on Republic of Ireland boss Martin O’Neill last night to include sensational weather star Teresa Mannion in his squad for next year’s European Championships. The calls to bring the Galway-based reporter to France follow her amazing performance in the televised confrontation with Hurricane Desmond recently. “We’re going to… Read more »

December 17, 2015 Craic & Codology

by Our Wet Office Staff, Jawn Waters WITH ADVERSE weather conditions continuing to cause havoc across Central Dublin last night, there were harrowing scenes in Kildare Street when unprecedented floods of tears left over a hundred people stranded and fearing for their political lives. Leinster House was particularly badly hit, with unprecedented floods rising to… Read more »

December 17, 2015 Craic & Codology

By Stephen ‘Phil’ Collins American defence officials say its airforce has been placed on “level 10 red alert” following news that Wexford TD Mick Wallace has been released from prison. “We are taking no chances”, says Senior Air Command Officer Larry Sodaguzzler. “This crazed, pink-shirted hippy and his partner in crime could strike again. They… Read more »

December 17, 2015 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Corr, Phil Column Having run out of minorities to attack, Donald Trump has called on his own supporters to be deported. At a rally where the Republican candidate stood amidst hundreds of his own fans, he shouted that in order to “make America great again” everyone would have to go. The unusual… Read more »

December 17, 2015 Craic & Codology

MOTORMOUTH CONOR McGregor has hailed Teresa Mannion for her outstanding display of reporting during Storm Desmond. The RTÉ employee went viral after her live report from a rain-lashed Salthill in Galway. The UFC star said: “She flailed around hysterically, talked absolute guff and generally hammed it up for the cameras, so I think she’d be… Read more »

December 17, 2015 Craic & Codology

In a harrowing Yuletide tale, two weary travellers were turned away from an inn in Limerick because there was no room. Echoing the story of the Nativity, the bedraggled couple were refused entry to accommodation after a long trek in stormy weather and had to return home. Denied the publicity that would have come with… Read more »