June 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

1. Must invite Baldy over for a nice sip from the decanter 2. This’ll ease me nicely into retirement 3. I feel two feet taller already! 4. What the hell is this ‘socialist’ thing people keep asking me about? 5. Please, please God let Enda notice me and wave today! 6. I’ll never forget the… Read more »

June 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

An Garda Síochána have said they are giving “serious consideration” to appointing Canadian ambassador Kevin Vickers to a special role fighting gangland crime. Vickers last week tackled a protestor during a remembrance ceremony at Grangegorman Military Cemetery, and it is believed that he later single-handedly fought off a dozen men in an attempted robbery on… Read more »

June 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Des Aster As pressure builds on the Government to resolve Dublin’s gangland crime wave, Taoiseach Enda Kenny has made his most radical pledge yet to provide An Garda Síochána with the extra resources needed to stem the tide of savagery. “I have instructed the justice minister to make available as many notebooks and pencils… Read more »

June 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

by Our Examinations Staff  – Eddie Kation In an unprecedented piece of journalism yesterday, a national newspaper ran a lengthy news article that he nothing to do with this year’s Leaving Cert examinations. Said the editor: “I know it is unusual, but a real news story landed on my desk last night and I felt an… Read more »

June 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

Following the outrage over the latest gangland killing, Taoiseach Enda Kenny has revealed his plan to stop the violence. “I have ordered the construction of a large two-dimensional bat-shaped object,” said the Fine Gael leader. “We will place it over a giant floodlight and aim it into the night sky. We have done a lot… Read more »

June 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Our Police Corr – Frank Drebin Garda Commissioner Noirin O’Sullivan has vowed that “every cliché” will be exhaustively explored as the force deals with the fallout from the O’Higgins report. The Gardaí were sharply criticised by the Policing Authority last week and are also facing questions over the ongoing gangland killings. “Rest assured I’m doing… Read more »

May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Ben Denee – Royal correspondent A “furious and appalled” Queen Elizabeth now considers the Chinese government “almost as rude as Ronan O’Gara”, according to Buckingham Palace insiders. The shock revelation comes days after the Queen had confided privately to her umbrella that she considered the treatment of the British ambassador to China by Chinese officials… Read more »

May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology

Amnesty International have called for an end to the barbaric treatment of prisoners after Niamh Horan visited Wheatfield Prison for a Sindo piece. According a spokesman, this inhumane approach to reform needs to be stamped out immediately. “We’re not saying prison should be a holiday camp,” he commented, “but inflicting self-promoting Sindo hacks on the… Read more »

May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology

EUROVISION BOSSES have demanded an apology from Ireland after sending another turkey to the song contest. “We warned you about this,” said organisers, “after that Dustin thing. The EU built your roads, paid off your farmers and bailed you out after you ALL partied. And this is how you repay us? By sending an even… Read more »

May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology

WEST HAM chairman David Sullivan has blamed “low-quality glass” for the scenes that marred the Irons’ last home game at Upton Park. The Londoners were hosting Manchester United in the Premier League but the visitors’ bus was attacked by fans outside the ground. Videos and pictures showed home supporters throwing bottles at the bus windows… Read more »

May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Apalling Williams The Irish nation was in shock again last night as it emerged that gardaí in the Cavan/Monaghan division investigated a burglary at a house in the district in 2008. The shock finding reveals that the force dispatched a squad car in accordance with basic response procedure before a garda took statements from… Read more »

May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology

Chapter 12, Verse 10: Jesus, she doesn’t half go on And in the 16th year there didth walk amongst the people of the land a woman they called Sabina, wife of the Poet Michael of D with whom she didst abide in the Big House. And being rich of robes and high of heel Sabina… Read more »

May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Sikassa Parrot – football correspondent In a move set to rock the worlds of politics and football, Ireland’s Labour Party want Sunderland boss Sam Allardyce as its next leader, according to leaked information. The Black Cats gaffer is currently regarded as a hero on one half of Tyneside, having successfully guided the Premiership club out… Read more »

May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology

  PAUL McGUINNESS’S iPHONE PLAYLIST I Just Called Mossack Fonseca To Say I Love You Accountants Move In Mysterious Ways Panama Money Money Money Stayin’ Alive (And Offshore) Big Spender A View To A Killing You Sexy Shareholding

May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology

Re: The Mother of all Rows I hereby refer to recent issues whereby the arrival of the above mentioned has given birth to a fast-growing dispute. This department is expecting you to produce a maternity service free of cramping and it is inconceivable that I will allow this kind of situation to de foetus. Hence… Read more »

May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology

1. We should never forget the real victims in this sorry affair, ie. myself 2. My reputation has been restored – I’m the country’s smuggest politician again 3. And its greatest author – just remember my bonkbuster novel, phworr! 4. A simple Senate seat is the very least I deserve 5. I’m tired of people… Read more »

May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology

1 Nobody in An Garda Síochána has ever done anything wrong. 2 Especially not senior management. 3 Indeed, most of whistleblower McCabe’s allegations were overstated. 4 Anyway, the only gardaí to blame are those young inexperienced trainees. 5 But that’s all in the past now and everyone has been completely vindicated, including former Commissioner Callinan… Read more »

May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology

It emerged last night that all seven Labour Party deputies have now thrown their hats into the ring in the leadership contest. The current front-runners for the prestigious post are: l Brendan Howling, 60. Dynamic middle-of-centre pro-European who believes passionately in a new kind of collective non-leadership and in raffish grey suits. l Alan “AK47”… Read more »

May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology

Gimme – More interest from my account in Panama Hazard – The risk of dealing with Mossack Fonseca Moving Day – Time management team changed investment funds Wire-to-wire – How banking works

May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology

Labour Party TDs were last night declining to comment on speculation that they will lead Alan Kelly in opposition in the new Dáil. The party is understood to be considering the proposal from the South Tipperary TD following the resignation of its Tánaiste Joan Burton. “I feel it’s a great opportunity for the Labour Party… Read more »

May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Gall Williams The gangs at the centre of the feud in Dublin have revealed details of their shooting schedule for the coming weeks. In an unprecedented move, details of the planned shootings have been released in order to prevent the public and the authorities being inconvenienced. However, An Garda Síochána have stated that despite… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

64-page Election 2016 Round-Up Fionnan Sheen: Why is there so much about the multi-talented Independent candidate Averil Power in the papers? Henry McGoo asks why the Green Party manifesto is full of ridiculous claims about oil not lasting forever. Heidi Grossburger: What Renua’s Lucy Creighton can learn from America’s tough-talking political whirlwind, Sarah Palin. Fintan Tool… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

by Dan O’Whine The possibility set out in this column eight weeks ago – that I would still be repeating myself in two months’ time – has come to pass. Will the new era of Irish politics resemble more closely Sweden or Italy? It’s still too early to tell. It appears increasingly inevitable that a… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

After a “hastily-convened meeting” RTÉ has decided to confine its foremost political correspondent, Martina Fitzpatrick, to delivering her daily TV news reports from the safety of a darkened street. This follows a spate of outragous interruptions inside Government Buildings, as Ms Fitzperfectly filed her numerous reports on the ongoing negotiations on the formation of a… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

In his most passionate statement yet against suspending water charges, acting environment minister Alan Kelly has warned that “Ireland is on the road to becoming a vast, arid, uninhabitable dessert populated by wild camels and watched over by vultures feeding on the carcasses of dehydrated householders,” unless the taxation remains. Visibly emotional that his leadership… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

EUROVISION HOPEFUL Nicky Byrne has revealed that he ‘never wanted to sing again after Westlife’ and now his dream has come true. ‘After selling (out) so many records over the years I felt like I couldn’t continue in the entertainment business,’ he said. ‘Luckily for me, this Eurovision thing came up and now I am… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

Smug TD and confused negotiator Leo Varadkar has said he likes “Tory toff Boris Johnson’s way of doing business”. In an interview with The Oxford University Miner, Leo declared, “I like Johnson. He pretends to care about Brexit when really he’s manoeuvring to be PM. I think this is really admirable. It’s kind of like… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

Tens of thousands of Irish Catholics have reacted with disappointment to Pope Francis’s Joy of Love leaflet after it failed to meet their expectations. “I really thought this time he was going to go for it,” shrugged a disconsolate masochistic transvestite brothel owner in Cork. “But he stuck to old ways of thinking. I had… Read more »