July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

Scottish First Minister Nicola Sturgeon has urged Brexit refugees planning to flee to Scotland not to travel. The grim warning comes amidst fears that distressed Remainians may cross the border in a desperate hope that Scotland will acquire independence and stay within the European Union. However the SNP leader says Scotland would struggle to cope… Read more »

July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

UKIP Pleader Nigel Farage says he hopes Britain’s ‘special relationship’ with Ireland will not be compromised by the Brexit vote and believed Irish people will remain welcome in the UK, despite “being foreigners” in years to come. “There should be no problem,” says the beer-swilling patriot. “Most Paddies are even paler skinned than ourselves and… Read more »

July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

Day 1: The Vice-President will: Be met several times by a bunch of kids dressed in Scottish kilts and who will welcome him as if he is Donald Trump. Congratulate Enda (sic) Kenny on being re-elected Irish Taoiseach (pronounced ‘tea shock’ and nothing to do with Taoism mumbo-jumbo). Also pat Kenny on the head regarding… Read more »

July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

BRITMAGEDDON: The view looking east from Rosslare yesterday evening Giant, two-headed rats and vicious, sabre toothed sparrows – many chirping in Polish – have reportedly been sighted across Britain as the first signs of apocalyptic consequences of Britain exiting the European Union begin to emerge. From Sunderland to Slough and from Derby to Dover, families… Read more »

July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

NRA national chairman, A. Koward The National Rifle Association has issued a strongly worded statement in the aftermath of the Orlando nightclub massacre. “This is yet another unprovoked, unjustifiable attack against a marginalised and increasingly victimised group,” the statement read. “However, we will persevere and carry on as best we can, even in these difficult… Read more »

July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

There were growing demands last night for Irish rocker, saint and political activist Bob Geldof to step down from his role as Bob Geldof. The calls came from triumphant Leave campaigners against whom the Irishman fought in the EU referendum. Many insisted that the Irishman should now “shut his mouth forever and get a haircut”…. Read more »

July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

“To my mind and drawing from my personal experiences, there are very few psychopathic gays playing rugby who have drink problems and take heroin while practising cannibalism. At least not simultaneously. I reckon only about 4% of them want to get going in serious sport. Of course, I’ll get flack for calling it as it… Read more »

July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

Jubilant UKIP leader Nigel Farage says England must immediately commence its “cultural disengagement” from Europe and “reassert our great nation’s core values and heritage”. The pub-loving politician says he looks forward to a future of: Darts on schools’ curricula Cricket on every green The trains running late “P**s-warm beer” No more blokes with beards selling… Read more »

July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

I never really expected to be swept off my feet by my visit to the ‘Flying Taxi’ eatery on Dublin’s Westmoreland Street, but I have to say I didn’t expect to be left with such a bad taste in my mouth either! After a precursory glance around to take in my surroundings, I quickly opted… Read more »

July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

BANNED: Russia’s female track and field team captain NEWS of Team Russia’s track and field ban at the Rio Olympics 2016 has been met with dismay by members of the Spartak Gladiators ‘fan group’. The group, known for their energetic street support for Russian football and their use of baseball bats at fan “demonstrations”, had… Read more »

July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

In his latest guarantee on waste management, Environment Minister Simon ‘Simple’ Coveney has assured householders that there will be “no increase” in the jargon being dumped on people in regard to waste collection discussions “for at least a year.” Phrases such as ‘pay-by-weight’, ‘polluter pays’, ‘below-cost selling’ and even ‘delivering change’ have piled pressure on… Read more »

July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

TOP tennis totty Maria Sharapova will be sorely missed at this year’s Wimbledon. The ravishing Russian is set for a spell on the sidelines after tennis bosses [surely “chiefs” – Ed] served her with a suspension in June. The tennis ace was caught using a naughty substance after last year’s Australian Open and faces two… Read more »

July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

Labour Party hacks are confident they can get rid of the party’s remaining seven Dáil seats by rowing back on as many election promises as possible. In what is being lauded as a political masterstroke that is destined to help him jettison some votes, Labour leader Brendan Howlin said last week that the party won’t… Read more »

July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

SO-CALLED IRELAND fans who were caught on camera singing Boyzone and Westlife songs at Euro 2016 will be banned from attending all future football games at home and abroad, says the FAI. It is believed that some fans met former Boyzone lad Keith Duffy on the streets in La Rochelle and that started an impromptu… Read more »

June 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

Lock – What the Irish will be on after the 1st Test Bore War – Springboks thrashing Ireland again in the 3rd Test Apartheid – IRFU discrimination against Darren Cave Rainbow Nation – Formerly SA, now Ireland The Free State – What the Ulster players call the other lads

June 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

To commemorate the visit of HRH Charles, Prince of Wales and his wife Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall to Donegal, Good Friday Accessories Ltd present this limited edition pair of earthy mugs as timeless reminders of this unique visit. Moulded from authentic Royal Ascot horse dung interwoven with the UK’s top brass, this unique pair of… Read more »

June 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

And in that land at that time, lived a man who called himself the ‘Chosen One’. And he ruled over all the fields and the roads and the rivers and the winds. And great was his ambition to be ruler of all things that moved and did not move, even though many didst gnash their… Read more »

June 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

by Our Media Staff – Dee List RTÉ switchboards were completely jammed last night after the station was inundated with angry complaints about its latest mid-week chat show, Cutting Out Entertainment. The new panel programme involves C-list celebrity guests and various Sindo hacks who sit around scraping a small wooden barrel while host Brendan O’Connor talks… Read more »

June 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

1. Must invite Baldy over for a nice sip from the decanter 2. This’ll ease me nicely into retirement 3. I feel two feet taller already! 4. What the hell is this ‘socialist’ thing people keep asking me about? 5. Please, please God let Enda notice me and wave today! 6. I’ll never forget the… Read more »

June 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

An Garda Síochána have said they are giving “serious consideration” to appointing Canadian ambassador Kevin Vickers to a special role fighting gangland crime. Vickers last week tackled a protestor during a remembrance ceremony at Grangegorman Military Cemetery, and it is believed that he later single-handedly fought off a dozen men in an attempted robbery on… Read more »

June 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Des Aster As pressure builds on the Government to resolve Dublin’s gangland crime wave, Taoiseach Enda Kenny has made his most radical pledge yet to provide An Garda Síochána with the extra resources needed to stem the tide of savagery. “I have instructed the justice minister to make available as many notebooks and pencils… Read more »

June 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

by Our Examinations Staff  – Eddie Kation In an unprecedented piece of journalism yesterday, a national newspaper ran a lengthy news article that he nothing to do with this year’s Leaving Cert examinations. Said the editor: “I know it is unusual, but a real news story landed on my desk last night and I felt an… Read more »

June 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

Following the outrage over the latest gangland killing, Taoiseach Enda Kenny has revealed his plan to stop the violence. “I have ordered the construction of a large two-dimensional bat-shaped object,” said the Fine Gael leader. “We will place it over a giant floodlight and aim it into the night sky. We have done a lot… Read more »

June 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Our Police Corr – Frank Drebin Garda Commissioner Noirin O’Sullivan has vowed that “every cliché” will be exhaustively explored as the force deals with the fallout from the O’Higgins report. The Gardaí were sharply criticised by the Policing Authority last week and are also facing questions over the ongoing gangland killings. “Rest assured I’m doing… Read more »

May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Ben Denee – Royal correspondent A “furious and appalled” Queen Elizabeth now considers the Chinese government “almost as rude as Ronan O’Gara”, according to Buckingham Palace insiders. The shock revelation comes days after the Queen had confided privately to her umbrella that she considered the treatment of the British ambassador to China by Chinese officials… Read more »

May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology

Amnesty International have called for an end to the barbaric treatment of prisoners after Niamh Horan visited Wheatfield Prison for a Sindo piece. According a spokesman, this inhumane approach to reform needs to be stamped out immediately. “We’re not saying prison should be a holiday camp,” he commented, “but inflicting self-promoting Sindo hacks on the… Read more »

May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology

EUROVISION BOSSES have demanded an apology from Ireland after sending another turkey to the song contest. “We warned you about this,” said organisers, “after that Dustin thing. The EU built your roads, paid off your farmers and bailed you out after you ALL partied. And this is how you repay us? By sending an even… Read more »

May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology

WEST HAM chairman David Sullivan has blamed “low-quality glass” for the scenes that marred the Irons’ last home game at Upton Park. The Londoners were hosting Manchester United in the Premier League but the visitors’ bus was attacked by fans outside the ground. Videos and pictures showed home supporters throwing bottles at the bus windows… Read more »

May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Apalling Williams The Irish nation was in shock again last night as it emerged that gardaí in the Cavan/Monaghan division investigated a burglary at a house in the district in 2008. The shock finding reveals that the force dispatched a squad car in accordance with basic response procedure before a garda took statements from… Read more »