August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology

Synchronised Downhill Two-Man Bobsleigh Enda Kenny and Mike Noonan Unsynchronised Indoor Two-Man Bedsleigh Maynooth Seminarians Drinking Marathon James Heffernan Wrestling (For Control Of Fine Gael) Leo Varadkar and Simon Coveney Sprint To Nearest PR Opportunity Shane Ross Swimming Out Of His Depth Simon Harris

August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology

POSH: Cian and his Leinster teammates in their younger days WOMEN throughout Ireland were last night calling on Irish rugby bosses to repeal prop Cian Healy from the game. The calls follow outrage over the player’s remarks about a Dublin wall mural, which were taken as insensitive by the pro-choice movement. Said one lobbyist: “For… Read more »

August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology

1. Hold a benefit concert, headlined, of course, by Niall Breslin, to raise funds necessary to bump mental health services spending from 6% of total health funding. 2. Niall Breslin’s book Me And My Mate Jeffrey to be placed on the SPHE course in Junior Cycle, to target the one in six young people aged… Read more »

August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology

Radovan Karadžic Jerry Kiernan By A. Pauling Kimmage TELEVISION stations across the globe say audience figures for the Olympic Games are plummeting following recent scandals and controversies surrounding participating sports. “We need another fast, it’s been too long since the last one,” says a worried BBC executive. In Ireland, a Cavan farmer confirmed the mood…. Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Pól Corr EMBATTLED leader Recep “Endagon” Kenny has survived another challenge to his leadership – but the war may not be over yet. The rebels first attempted to take over the national television station but instead only managed to invade the Saturday Night with Miriam studio where they were warmly welcomed by the audience… Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Niamh Borin THERE was widespread overcrowding at A&E departments all over the country this week, as the nation got to grips with the Sindo’s George Hook interview. An unprecedented wave of nausea swept the island on Sunday, when readers caught first glimpse of the story, headlined: “I got my kicks from wearing women’s knickers… Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

EQUESTRIAN: Reports from within the Irish camp have confirmed that team captain Enda Kenny will now compete in the equestrian events at Rio after all. Says a Team Ireland spokesman: “All the lads favoured Enda for the high jump last week but he wasn’t having it. So eventually we decided to let him stay in… Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

TOP SPORTS boffins have revealed that this year’s Olympics will be the hottest yet, with those Brazilian bombshells ready to set pulses racing at the games over the coming weeks. And our readers are in for a Rio treat as we shoehorn in every possible photo we can find of semi-clothed Brazilian babes flaunting their… Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

 By I. M. Gutted ENGLISH FANS have more than had enough of team boss Sam Allardyce following the national team’s failure to win a single game since the former Bolton, West Ham and Sunderland gaffer took over last week. Not only has the national side failed to win a match or score a goal since… Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

PANICKED: This tabloid news editor said he was “delighted” that he didn’t have to put another story about Graham Dwyer on the front page By Senan Sationalist THERE was widespread relief across Irish media outlets as a former Miss Bikini Ireland was caught up in the recent coup attempt in Turkey. Despite 232 deaths and… Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

INDEPENDENT TD Michael Healy-Rae has strongly denied having to ask the same question 115 times in the Dáil’s final session before Minister Simon Harris understood what he was saying. The denial comes as calls increase for the Dáil to set aside a separate session to deal with Deputy Healy-Rae’s representations amidst fears that the entire… Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

Details have emerged of the new evening schedule for the TV3-UTV Ireland hybrid: 7:30 The Cube Contestants are locked in the Cube with the Xposé presenters. The winner is the contestant whose ears bleed the least. 8:00 Paul Williams’s B&B Roadtrip Crime Journalist Paul Williams travels around Ireland visiting places you would never think of… Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

Eat the breakfasht Write 115 Dáil questions Attend 4 funerals Have the dinner in the middle of the day More Dáil questions A few shlaps at the shmart Alecs above in Dublin Lishten to the death notices Attend 5 wakes

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

Spikes – Russian drug tests Head gear – Russian slang for steroids Finish line – Last bit of Russian cocaine Shooting – A doping method Time trial – Race to find clean urine

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

Day 5; April 23 I PICKED up my briefcase and strode confidently across the Dáil bar towards my target after adjusting my trilby over one eye, and pulling the mirrored sunglasses from the pocket of my beige trenchcoat. I can safely say, no one suspected me. He was of very pale pallor, suggesting a man… Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Rita Ann Higgins So, manky Galway is Capital of Culture But crappy Ireland is Capital of Vultures Where for our ogyny Their smelly Ass-its Are the pits The little sh*ts Only pay itty bits Country of Tax My arse It’s a farce!!!

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

Wallacer: A person who indulges in entertainment and celebration without regard to cost. See also: The Full Wallace: A lengthy session of self-indulgent activities usually involving copious helpings of food, drink and purchased in full at one’s own establishment.

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

SHOCK: Even Power himself wasn’t sure that he played golf THERE WAS shock and delight in Co Waterford with the announcement that golfer Seamus Power would join Pádraig Harrington at the Olympics. The two were brought in to replace Rory McIllroy and Graeme McDowell who were said to be “washing their hair that weekend”. “It came… Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

REPUBLICAN PARTY presidential candidate Donald Tramp has upstaged the Democratic National Convention and shocked observers by announcing that he intends turning Mexico into a patchwork of golf courses! “I intend re-naming the entire area ‘the Golf of Mexico’,” he added. When informed by one of his caddies (surely aides? – Ed) that the US did… Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

‘FEELING FINE’: Blueshirt spokespersons say the mood in Cabinet is extremely positive By Pól Corr FINE Gael representatives have strongly dismissed claims that the party is ‘in disarray’ and heading for a major crisis. “Nothing could be further from the truth”, assured a party spokesman in a trembling voice yesterday. “Micheál Martin knows exactly what… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

FEROCIOUS: Fermanagh full-back Ni Fostaír goes up for a high ball TEMPERS have flared among county panels over plans for the make-up of a new All-Ireland Forum tournament (This can’t be right! __Ed). The planned championship has been nixed due to disagreement between key figures from Ulster and the rest of the country. Speaking at… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

Court Clerk: All rise! Defendant, Judge Skint: I wish my pension would! Judge Rich (for it is he): Why is this man before the court? Solicitor for Defence: He wants a job, Judge. His circumstances are very, very bad. Judge Skint: I used to be on the bench, you know, and it’s my wish that… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

MONSTERS: Several Dubliners we spoke to compared the “evil” Luas drivers to the Nazis, ISIS and Pat Kenny! There was widespread delight in Dublin at the news that Luas drivers didn’t win the €23.8 million Lotto Jackpot last week. “It’s one thing to give it to Dublin Bus drivers,” said one concerned Joe Duffy listener…. Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

By S.A. Christie THE Chief Executive of the St Don of God charity has said that the secret top-up payments made to 14 senior managers were a mystery – “a gift of God if you like”. Brother Ignatious Payola explained the €1.64m payments by saying that “the Lord moves in mysterious ways” and that the… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

Pay day doldrums? Bills mounting up? Need a higher income? Why not chance your luck with a career in Dublin Bus? Some of our drivers now take home an astonishing €1m plus on top of a basic wage, overtime and bonuses!! Simply tick the right boxes and our bus numbers can be your lucky numbers!… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

PURE EVIL: Army bosses say the cows were out for blood and intent on doing serious harm to the soldiers. The Defence Forces have seen an increase in reports of troops suffering from post-traumatic stress over the last week after they assisted in a bankruptcy seizure.  ‘None of us signed up for this,’ said one… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Dee Faulter TAX-DODGING Barcelona footballer Lionel Messi said he was “honoured and humbled to be mentioned in the same breath as stars of the game like Mick Wallace and the gifted Ray Burke,” after his conviction last week. Speaking on the steps of the Barcelona court that found him guilty of avoiding a €3.4m… Read more »