July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

Eat the breakfasht Write 115 Dáil questions Attend 4 funerals Have the dinner in the middle of the day More Dáil questions A few shlaps at the shmart Alecs above in Dublin Lishten to the death notices Attend 5 wakes

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

Spikes – Russian drug tests Head gear – Russian slang for steroids Finish line – Last bit of Russian cocaine Shooting – A doping method Time trial – Race to find clean urine

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

Day 5; April 23 I PICKED up my briefcase and strode confidently across the Dáil bar towards my target after adjusting my trilby over one eye, and pulling the mirrored sunglasses from the pocket of my beige trenchcoat. I can safely say, no one suspected me. He was of very pale pallor, suggesting a man… Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Rita Ann Higgins So, manky Galway is Capital of Culture But crappy Ireland is Capital of Vultures Where for our ogyny Their smelly Ass-its Are the pits The little sh*ts Only pay itty bits Country of Tax My arse It’s a farce!!!

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

Wallacer: A person who indulges in entertainment and celebration without regard to cost. See also: The Full Wallace: A lengthy session of self-indulgent activities usually involving copious helpings of food, drink and purchased in full at one’s own establishment.

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

SHOCK: Even Power himself wasn’t sure that he played golf THERE WAS shock and delight in Co Waterford with the announcement that golfer Seamus Power would join Pádraig Harrington at the Olympics. The two were brought in to replace Rory McIllroy and Graeme McDowell who were said to be “washing their hair that weekend”. “It came… Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

REPUBLICAN PARTY presidential candidate Donald Tramp has upstaged the Democratic National Convention and shocked observers by announcing that he intends turning Mexico into a patchwork of golf courses! “I intend re-naming the entire area ‘the Golf of Mexico’,” he added. When informed by one of his caddies (surely aides? – Ed) that the US did… Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

By S.A. Christie THE Chief Executive of the St Don of God charity has said that the secret top-up payments made to 14 senior managers were a mystery – “a gift of God if you like”. Brother Ignatious Payola explained the €1.64m payments by saying that “the Lord moves in mysterious ways” and that the… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

Pay day doldrums? Bills mounting up? Need a higher income? Why not chance your luck with a career in Dublin Bus? Some of our drivers now take home an astonishing €1m plus on top of a basic wage, overtime and bonuses!! Simply tick the right boxes and our bus numbers can be your lucky numbers!… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

PURE EVIL: Army bosses say the cows were out for blood and intent on doing serious harm to the soldiers. The Defence Forces have seen an increase in reports of troops suffering from post-traumatic stress over the last week after they assisted in a bankruptcy seizure.  ‘None of us signed up for this,’ said one… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Dee Faulter TAX-DODGING Barcelona footballer Lionel Messi said he was “honoured and humbled to be mentioned in the same breath as stars of the game like Mick Wallace and the gifted Ray Burke,” after his conviction last week. Speaking on the steps of the Barcelona court that found him guilty of avoiding a €3.4m… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Fin Sharkey RTE correspondent Theresa Mannion says she warned Joe O’Toole not to take up the position as Chairman of the Expert Commission on Water Charges. O’Toole, a former President of the Irish Congress of Trade Unions (ICTU), recently resigned his position following criticism of comments he made in relation to the funding of… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

The Passport Office recently experienced an increase in applications for Irish passports, many from outside this jurisdiction. Today we can exclusively reveal the names of some of these applicants: I. Paisley (Junior) Abu Isis and extended family. C Kinahan a.k.a. Joe Bloggs a.k.a. Christy K (All 4 applications refused) G Hutch (via Passport Express) R… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

By D.J. Vue Taoiseach Enda Kenny has defended the re-appointment of James Reilly as Fine Gael deputy leader “on the basis of his unique political experience.” Speaking to reporters at the opening of another gaffe (Surely day centre or even a pub?_Ed) yesterday, the Mayo leader explained that Dr Reilly was “well used to failure”… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

INDEPENDENT TD Mick Wallace has come under criticism from other members of the Dail after it was revealed that he paid his son Fionn €14,520 for ‘research’. Several TDs have taken issue with the fact that Wallace did not adhere to the traditional style of brown envelope favoured by most members of the house. “It’s… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

MINISTER Katherine ‘Zapper’ Zappone’s decision to vote against Mick Wallace’s fatal foetal  abnormalities bill in the Dail has angered abortion rights campaigners who view it as a betrayal of one of her election promises. However, Zapper has defended her decision noting that it was made after consultation with medical experts and the infallible Attorney General…. Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

MODEST: Football ace Ronaldo said afterwards that his sideline encouragement was crucial to the win Ireland’s Labour Party has hailed Portugal’s Euro 2016 win and wants members to “take heart and encouragement” from the Iberian nation’s triumph. In an emotive post-match reflection, a party spokesman said the Portuguese had “showed that perennial failures can eventually… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

CV Name: Tony Bliar Address: A big mansion somewhere Age: 63 Work experience: 1997 – 2007: UK Prime Minister 2007 – present: After-dinner speaker Strengths: u Can destroy defences from miles away u Can lead non-believing players into battle u Self-confident u Good form away from home. u Performs well for media u Promise to… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

Goldhawk’s newest Agony Aunt answers your questions: AT THIS time of year, readers often write me and ask: ‘ Aunty Mick, what can we do to keep our kids occupied during the long summer holidays?’ I’ve always believed children will find creative ways to entertain themselves once given some minor resources. Experience taught me that… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

‘FEELING FINE’: Blueshirt spokespersons say the mood in Cabinet is extremely positive By Pól Corr FINE Gael representatives have strongly dismissed claims that the party is ‘in disarray’ and heading for a major crisis. “Nothing could be further from the truth”, assured a party spokesman in a trembling voice yesterday. “Micheál Martin knows exactly what… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

FEROCIOUS: Fermanagh full-back Ni Fostaír goes up for a high ball TEMPERS have flared among county panels over plans for the make-up of a new All-Ireland Forum tournament (This can’t be right! __Ed). The planned championship has been nixed due to disagreement between key figures from Ulster and the rest of the country. Speaking at… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

Court Clerk: All rise! Defendant, Judge Skint: I wish my pension would! Judge Rich (for it is he): Why is this man before the court? Solicitor for Defence: He wants a job, Judge. His circumstances are very, very bad. Judge Skint: I used to be on the bench, you know, and it’s my wish that… Read more »

July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology

MONSTERS: Several Dubliners we spoke to compared the “evil” Luas drivers to the Nazis, ISIS and Pat Kenny! There was widespread delight in Dublin at the news that Luas drivers didn’t win the €23.8 million Lotto Jackpot last week. “It’s one thing to give it to Dublin Bus drivers,” said one concerned Joe Duffy listener…. Read more »

July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

To ensure no more Christy Ring final fiascos OR Laois substitute sagas, the GAA will trial a new counting system. The ABACUS: ♦ Can count up to 10 points per rod ♦ Is multi-coloured to avoid confusion when both teams refuse to change clashing jerseys ♦ CCCC, DRA and High Court compliant ♦ Extra rod… Read more »

July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

GUTTED: These Irish fans were off somewhere being sound and completely missed the match against France Neighbourly love was in short supply in Lyon yesterday as Ireland were sent crashing out of Euro 2016 by, of all sides, their closest European neighbours! The last 16 clash with France became a battling encounter with a distinct… Read more »

July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

Britain’s Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has stunned supporters and critics alike by calling on his country to “remain” a week after the EU referendum. Mr Corbyn, long seen as a Eurosceptic, was heavily criticised by the party for his tepid support for the Remain campaign. However, the bearded leader seems now to have become fully… Read more »

July 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

Pressure was growing on the FAI yesterday to allow Roy Keane to continue his daily press conferences. The former Man Utd midfielder proved an insightful and inspiring presence throughout Euro 2016 and many Irish people say they now “need his wisdom” on a daily basis to help them cope with life’s challenges. “I never tried… Read more »