August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

Q. How do you feel after your performance? A. Incredible/Unbelievable/Amazing Q. What was the atmosphere like out there? A. Fantastic/Electric/ Awesome Q. And what about the Irish supporters? A. Unreal/Amazing/Incredible Q. What’s been the reaction of your family? A. Unbelievable/Incredible/Fantastic Q. Would you like to rant about being cheated now? A. Yes

August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

HEADS UP!: Dáithí Ó Sé’s decapitated body was lauded as a big improvement on the full version of Dáithí that hosted last year. THERE was a big shake up to the Rose of Tralee this year as organisers changed the format for the contest. Aiming to modernise the 57-year-old festival — which is not a… Read more »

August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

ENVIRONMENTAL experts claim Kerry TD Danny Healy-Rae is “caused by God” and say there is “not much we can do about it”. The shock assertion comes after the Independent politician poured cold water on the so-called “scientific fact” that climate change is man-made by emitting a massive blast of hot air. The Kerryman’s views on… Read more »

August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

On climate change: Any leprechaun in de country will tell ya ’tis caused by God’s volcanoes in order we have a ta in summer and clean roads in winter. De little peepul do never be wrong and ’tis they tipped off Noah so he could build de ark. On women’s rights: I shtrongly believe dat… Read more »

August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

Receives news by phone from a government lackey, dropping croissant and almost spilling morning latté Checks out story with more reliable lackey in Sindo office Puts on very cross face Goes to Rio with new pair of runners Loosens tie and waves finger at Pat Hickey while frowning heavily Declines Hickey’s offer of turkey sandwich… Read more »

August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

STOIC: Good to see Irish boxing fans haven’t loss the run of themselves in the wake of Katie’s defeat By May A. Culpa The Catholic Church has called for more people to attend Mass and for an increase in vocations amid growing speculation that God is losing patience with the country. “The apocalyptic defeat of… Read more »

August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

Judges for the 2016 Journalism Awards say entries have been of an exceptionally high standard, with “many pages reflecting the best wine stains and a 5% reduction in spittle and cigarette burns” compared to the previous entries in 2013. Among the favourites for top accolades are: Fintan O’Toole for his article: “Why I Am the… Read more »

August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

HUMBLE: Mild-mannered McGregor was so shocked by the result he declared Diaz the winner (“Pull the other one” _ Ed) DODGY JUDGES screwing fighters out of victory have been deemed “not too bad” this week after Conor McGregor claimed a strange win in the UFC. All of Ireland had been outraged after Olympic boxing judges… Read more »

August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

STANDING COUNT: The three synchronised judges receiving their prizes after the tournament THREE boxing judges shared the gold medal for synchronised judging when all three awarded 29 points to boxer Ugli Faceov in the final round, clinching victory for the Russian. In achieving this momentous feat, they managed to overcome the not inconsiderable hurdle of… Read more »

August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology

SHOO-IN: The baby has already been doing the rounds on Fox News REPUBLICAN strategists are furiously trying to convince the crying baby Donald Trump ejected from a recent rally to run for President. With mounting concern in the party over Trump’s campaign, some GOP members believe the baby’s superior communication skills make it an obvious… Read more »

August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology

RTÉ received 23 official complaints from viewers unhappy with the “sexual nature” of an interview conducted by Ray D’Arcy with Pamela Anderson. The viewers felt D’Arcy “completely screwed up the segment” and “made an absolute tit of himself”. The complaints follow on from previous disgruntlement over the “obscene” nature of the presenter’s salary. In recent… Read more »

August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology

A NEW mobile game is spelling danger for some unlucky players. An elderly man has become the latest victim of the curse of Popémon Go – the location-based augmented reality game. The 79-year-old , Jorge Mario Bergoglio, who is known to most people as “Francis” or “Il Papa,” or “Big Daddy Frank”, fell recently after… Read more »

August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Tess Tickles RTÉ says it will continue to screen its own special Dáil edition of smash hit Channel 4 programme Naked Attraction next season despite ongoing complaints from a disgusted public over the show’s content. Many viewers have labelled RTÉ’s Naked Opportunism programme as “cheap voyeurism”, as the participants shamelessly display their naked ambition… Read more »

August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology

Three men recently sent to jail for a €7bn fraud have come up with an ingenious solution to the problem of overcrowding in prisons, modelled on The Green Jersey Agenda (© P Neary). McAteer: Okay, let’s recap: how does it work? Bowe: It works like this: The three of us are immediately “loaned” out to… Read more »

August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology

ROCK BOTTOM: Labour Party TDs passed out at last month’s Longitude festival after too much prosecco TEENAGERS have slammed politicians for “spoiling music festivals for the rest of us” following James Heffernan’s multiple arrests at Indiependence. According to one teenager: “We all like to go to festivals and have a bit of fun, but these… Read more »

August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology

NOTORIOUS: McGregor was snapped in Dublin signing copies of a book about his last cancelled fight EXCITEMENT IS growing among fans of UFC as the date for the cancellation of Conor McGregor’s revenge fight against Nate Diaz comes closer. Everyone knows that the duo are to face off in UFC202 on August 20 as McGregor… Read more »

August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology

A Maltese Denis O’Brien IN THE most sensational development yet in his ongoing litigation campaigns, media mogul Denis O’Brien has initiated court proceedings against himself. Although commentators have been warned by the zillionaire Maltese, under threat of, er, litigation, speculation around the action is rife. “He was pursuing so many cases that the papers became… Read more »

August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology

Synchronised Downhill Two-Man Bobsleigh Enda Kenny and Mike Noonan Unsynchronised Indoor Two-Man Bedsleigh Maynooth Seminarians Drinking Marathon James Heffernan Wrestling (For Control Of Fine Gael) Leo Varadkar and Simon Coveney Sprint To Nearest PR Opportunity Shane Ross Swimming Out Of His Depth Simon Harris

August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology

POSH: Cian and his Leinster teammates in their younger days WOMEN throughout Ireland were last night calling on Irish rugby bosses to repeal prop Cian Healy from the game. The calls follow outrage over the player’s remarks about a Dublin wall mural, which were taken as insensitive by the pro-choice movement. Said one lobbyist: “For… Read more »

August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology

1. Hold a benefit concert, headlined, of course, by Niall Breslin, to raise funds necessary to bump mental health services spending from 6% of total health funding. 2. Niall Breslin’s book Me And My Mate Jeffrey to be placed on the SPHE course in Junior Cycle, to target the one in six young people aged… Read more »

August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology

Radovan Karadžic Jerry Kiernan By A. Pauling Kimmage TELEVISION stations across the globe say audience figures for the Olympic Games are plummeting following recent scandals and controversies surrounding participating sports. “We need another fast, it’s been too long since the last one,” says a worried BBC executive. In Ireland, a Cavan farmer confirmed the mood…. Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Niamh Borin THERE was widespread overcrowding at A&E departments all over the country this week, as the nation got to grips with the Sindo’s George Hook interview. An unprecedented wave of nausea swept the island on Sunday, when readers caught first glimpse of the story, headlined: “I got my kicks from wearing women’s knickers… Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Pól Corr EMBATTLED leader Recep “Endagon” Kenny has survived another challenge to his leadership – but the war may not be over yet. The rebels first attempted to take over the national television station but instead only managed to invade the Saturday Night with Miriam studio where they were warmly welcomed by the audience… Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

EQUESTRIAN: Reports from within the Irish camp have confirmed that team captain Enda Kenny will now compete in the equestrian events at Rio after all. Says a Team Ireland spokesman: “All the lads favoured Enda for the high jump last week but he wasn’t having it. So eventually we decided to let him stay in… Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

TOP SPORTS boffins have revealed that this year’s Olympics will be the hottest yet, with those Brazilian bombshells ready to set pulses racing at the games over the coming weeks. And our readers are in for a Rio treat as we shoehorn in every possible photo we can find of semi-clothed Brazilian babes flaunting their… Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

 By I. M. Gutted ENGLISH FANS have more than had enough of team boss Sam Allardyce following the national team’s failure to win a single game since the former Bolton, West Ham and Sunderland gaffer took over last week. Not only has the national side failed to win a match or score a goal since… Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

INDEPENDENT TD Michael Healy-Rae has strongly denied having to ask the same question 115 times in the Dáil’s final session before Minister Simon Harris understood what he was saying. The denial comes as calls increase for the Dáil to set aside a separate session to deal with Deputy Healy-Rae’s representations amidst fears that the entire… Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

Details have emerged of the new evening schedule for the TV3-UTV Ireland hybrid: 7:30 The Cube Contestants are locked in the Cube with the Xposé presenters. The winner is the contestant whose ears bleed the least. 8:00 Paul Williams’s B&B Roadtrip Crime Journalist Paul Williams travels around Ireland visiting places you would never think of… Read more »

July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology

PANICKED: This tabloid news editor said he was “delighted” that he didn’t have to put another story about Graham Dwyer on the front page By Senan Sationalist THERE was widespread relief across Irish media outlets as a former Miss Bikini Ireland was caught up in the recent coup attempt in Turkey. Despite 232 deaths and… Read more »