February 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

Ireland’s most damaging pill(ock)s: Drug Description Side Effects Endacetamol: Sleep-inducing laxative type Delusions of immortality Keanoothyroxine: Highly potent stimulant Terrifying mood swings, facial hair Dannyhealyrazephine: Enhances creativity Black and white vision Shanerossetine: Boosts the ego Paralysis Geldofizone: Restores self-importance Verbal diarrhoea, pain in the arse

February 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Anna Din   RESEARCHERS have revealed the shocking reasons why every Irish adult spends over €50,000 per week on pills (Alarmist nonsense _ Ed) to cope with life. According to Dr Ruth A. Round, of the Authority for Analysis, Research, Study and Examining (AARSE), the main causes of pill-popping are: Getting sued by Denis… Read more »

February 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

SPUD DAY’S WORK: Gardai say they’ve seized a large quantity of these powerful handguns that were destined for use by Dublin’s most hardened crims By Our Gangland Staff Paul “Scummer” Williams IN WHAT has been described as the latest development since yesterday’s edition in the feud between Dublin’s most notorious drug gangs, the ruthless Kinahan… Read more »

February 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

An occasional service to Phoenix readers explaining the meaning of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy. This Week – ‘Shortage of greens’ Current shortage of spinach, lettuce, courgettes, broccoli and aubergines due to the poor weather in Spain which produces half of Europe’s vegetables in winter. Can also refer to: 1) Reduced number of… Read more »

February 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

Hacks, make sure to include the following when writing your Federer pieces. Legend Superstar One of a kind Different to other sports stars in this era Best of all time Humble Tanned Epitomises what sport is all about

February 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

KICKED TO TOUCH: These spiffing chaps were positively gutted that they couldn’t read about their mates on the SCT THE GOVERNMENT is to launch an inquiry after a national newspaper failed to publish a full School’s Rugby supplement last week. All of the papers went big as the season kicked off but the Irish Independent’s… Read more »

February 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

A new column by Dermot Bannon AS AN architect I am often presented with exciting opportunities to exhibit my creative talents. With this in mind I was overjoyed to learn that the Israeli government wanted me to design a brand new rapid build development in east Jerusalem. The design plan I came up with is… Read more »

February 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

  Scotland game was rigged, bigly They are going to pay for that, I promise Ireland can still win the Grand Slam Johnny Sexton is 100% fit It was a toe injury, not a concussion, definitely not concussion, got that?

January 26, 2017 Craic & Codology

COLLISION CORPSE: As is tradition, Ross has denied rumours of a rift with RSA chief Liz O’Donnell despite evidence to the contrary TRANSPORT minister Shane Ross will introduce strict new laws to improve road safety and reduce congestion on major routeways. Speaking outside Leinster House today, the minister said the traffic situation in Dublin was… Read more »

January 26, 2017 Craic & Codology

BEST OF PALS: A distinguished intellectual and Noam Chomsky By Ian Kehoe LATE last year, I uncovered a shocking scandal that formed the basis of my acclaimed recent RTÉ documentary, The Greatness Of Ian Kehoe. In this groundbreaking exposé, I explain the vulture fund crisis that has rocked Irish finance and forced me to make… Read more »

January 26, 2017 Craic & Codology

All former bus lanes to be reassigned as ministerial car lanes. No more left turns. Lifetime ban on drivers who have consumed any alcohol. With the exception of a decent vintage Bordeaux, of course. At peak periods, simply form an orderly queue and occupy yourself usefully by checking your An end to low standards in… Read more »

January 26, 2017 Craic & Codology

SMASHING NEWS: Paisley Jr’s desision marks a slight departure from his father’s more exuberant brand of politics. By Chuck E R Law IN ANOTHER stunning development in Northern Irish politics, DUP MP Ian Paisley Jr has revealed that he “would love to join Sinn Féin if they would have me.” The Unionist politician made the… Read more »

January 26, 2017 Craic & Codology

CUSHTY: This totally legitimate businessman was already having a great year after making a killing on Euros tickets A DUBLIN city centre ticket tout has exclaimed his delight after U2’s Croke Park concert sold out in minutes, bringing memories of the old days flooding back. Moments after going on sale via Ticketmaster, second hand tickets… Read more »

January 26, 2017 Craic & Codology

HOLA! BUENO sera, amigos. Si, it’s your humble Supreme Pontiff greeting each and every one of the millions of pope-pickers worldwide in all-consuming love and deep compassion. All except those abominable minions of Satan whose unspeakable evil must surely stop them from sleeping at night. No names, but your education minister Ricardo Brutal immediately comes… Read more »

January 26, 2017 Craic & Codology

AS WE increasingly set into motion the UK’s strategy for leaving the European Union it is important to stress that Britain is not leaving Europe, just the Union bit of it. And let me categorically state that in disengaging from the commercial, cultural and legal processes operating within the EU, we in the UK are… Read more »

January 26, 2017 Craic & Codology

There will be no hard border between the Republic and the North unless there is Lads who don’t make it into England squads can still declare for Ireland RTÉ to continue to imitate BBC ideas for light entertainment shows Bob Geldof can go home any time he wants Britain will continue to take very seriously… Read more »

January 26, 2017 Craic & Codology

DEFEATED US presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has urged her supporters to get behind the presidency of Donald Trump. SPEAKING to reporters in New York, Mrs Clinton said: “The American people have made their bed and I hate to think they would look upon me as a wet blanket. We should follow the example of President… Read more »

January 26, 2017 Craic & Codology

I run for the presidency ✔ I win the Republican or Democrat nomination I don’t care which ✔ I win the contest bigly ✔ Everyone hates me ✔ They hate me so much they start to bury their differences ✔ The whole world unites to get rid of me before it’s too late – Watch this space But it is… Read more »

January 26, 2017 Craic & Codology

“I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute political opponents, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend my business interests, reality TV career and Vlad Putin’s geopolitical ambitions.” Topical Words – Compiled by Dick Shunery An occasional service to Phoenix readers explaining the meaning of certain words that have suddenly… Read more »

January 12, 2017 Craic & Codology

THE public was bracing itself last night for further outbreaks of Simon Harris as the current crisis in the health service worsened. Fears heightened as thousands more people complained of headaches, nausea and a chill down the spine after catching the minister on TV and radio talking about trolleys, corridors and what he’ll do next…. Read more »

January 12, 2017 Craic & Codology

HEALTH KICK: This man says he’s down to 500 fags at the same time thanks to the Irish Cancer Society’s brilliant new ad campaign IN A shock development, tens of thousands of Irish people have taken up smoking after a TV advertisement campaign by the Irish Cancer Society went horribly wrong. The provocative (“Insensitive and… Read more »

January 12, 2017 Craic & Codology

TAOISEACH Enda Kenny says he has “no plans at present” to follow Manchester City gaffer Pep Guardiola’s announcement that his retirement has “already started”. The gaffer made his announcement after a run of poor performances, particularly on homelessness and the health service. But the sport loving Fine Gael leader says “any talk of imminent retirement… Read more »

January 12, 2017 Craic & Codology

GUARDIOLA KENNY Managed Messi Managed messers In control of the opposition Opposition in control Looks after millionaires in blue shirts Looks after Blueshirts and millionaires Hails Claudio Bravo between the sticks Hails from the shticks

January 12, 2017 Craic & Codology

POWER IS A DRUG: And Alan Kelly is the reason they call it dope By Our Medical Staff CONCERN is growing among medical professionals about the proliferation of chemsex orgies around the country. In particular, a building on Kildare Street has become notorious for its shocking scenes of rampant excess. “I’ve never seen anything like… Read more »

January 12, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Kevin ‘Kev’ O’Sullivan ONE REALLY is rather taken aback by the fuss created by our publishing that somewhat colourful piece by Mr Pell. The reason we felt compelled to print the article was to awaken our otherwise intelligent and informed readers to the rather alarming fact that there are some very nasty chappies out… Read more »

January 12, 2017 Craic & Codology

NO-SHOW: Sources have revealed that Huberman was off being unfeasibly successful and well dressed at another event LEADING Irish celebrity Amy Huberman surprised onlookers at an event yesterday when she failed to make an appearance or be photographed for the newspapers. The multi-talented actress and style icon stunned the event’s organisers by not arriving at… Read more »

January 12, 2017 Craic & Codology

PALACE INTRIGUE: Over the years, Big Sam has developed a reputation as a stickler for nutrition and conditioning DISGRACED former Limerick FC manager Sam Allardyce has t faken up a new role as manager at Buckingham Palace! (Surely Crystal Palace? – Ed) Allardyce will be responsible for ensuring that the popularity of the Palace –… Read more »

January 12, 2017 Craic & Codology

NOD AND WINK: Did Obama have his fingers crossed when he said Yes We Can? BARACK OBAMA is set to scrap his pre-2008 election slogan Yes We Can for the less catchy No We Couldn’t as his presidency ends. He rose to power aided by the famous mantra but eight years on many of his… Read more »

December 14, 2016 Craic & Codology

GENEROUS: This INM executive expressed delight at the board’s warm and humane treatment of staff by the Entire Indo Staff CHAIRMAN of the board of INM Leslie Buckley has assured employees that senior management will do its utmost to resolve the pensions dispute as soon as possible. In a statement released yesterday, Mr Buckley said… Read more »

December 14, 2016 Craic & Codology

WE ALL BERTIED: Ahern, pictured here in a cupboard, will be remembered as one of our most dignified statesmen THE world of politics has been rocked to its foundations by the news that Bertie Ahern, who did himself and the Fianna Fail party (But particularly himself — Ed) some, er, sterling service, is thinking of… Read more »