April 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

GREAT SCORE: Delaney and English are known for their reserved and graceful behaviour when out in public THERE were wild celebrations across Europe last night as news broke that UEFA was joining John Delaney. The football organisation was accepted into the FAI chief’s world where it will take up a new position alongside his girlfriend,… Read more »

April 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

BUST UP: O’Sullivan said she identified with the bloodied passenger who was removed from his position kicking and screaming GARDA COMMISSIONER Nóirín O’Sullivan has condemned the decision of United Airlines staff to forcibly remove a high flyer from his position. Dr David Dao was dragged kicking and screaming from the plane he was on when… Read more »

April 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

Favourite food: Sour grapes Favourite film: True Lies Favourite TV show: The Commish Favourite song: Thorn In My Side, The Eurythmics Favourite book: Clear and Present Danger Favourite musical instrument: Recorder Favourite animal: Weasel

April 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

Mission Statement – We enrich people’s lives – especially our own Corporate Responsibility We are committed to following the lead of our awesome founder, Steve Jobs, to spearhead digital communications innovation aimed at ecstatic customers who appreciate empathy, free virtual ear-plugs (in case Bono and the rest of U2 are around), stylish design, raindrops on… Read more »

April 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

CLASS ACT: Seamus Coleman being comforted here by teammate Shane Long after fi nding out Brendan O’Carroll had been given his own chat show RTÉ HAS defended its decision to show explicit replays of Brendan O’Carroll’s new show, All Round To Mrs Brown’s. The station was inundated with complaints following its decision to show graphic… Read more »

April 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

April 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

Breakfast: Smell the coffee; Hard cheese; Down the pan-cakes; Toast (Note: limited portions due to shortage of dough). (In the) Soups: Grasp the nettle; Tough tomato. Lunch: Making ends meat: Cooked goose & stuffed artichokers in sauce that’s also good for the gander; Humble pie; Future-at-steak with pickle. Fishing around: Floundering; Skate (on thin ice)… Read more »

April 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

A RECENT internal garda audit in the Templemore training college has uncovered some interesting expenditure claims. Items on the garda expenses account included: 5,000 gallons of whitewash 150 bitter pills 700 Dirty Harry box sets 14,500 cases of breath-taking arrogance 1 speechless Paul Williams 1 red-faced commissioner Countless redacted reports Dozens of spineless crime correspondents… Read more »

April 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

Due to an anticipated reconfiguration of personnel and procedures, vacancies are expected at all rank levels in the near future. Can you count to at least a million? Are you committed to the highest degree of integrity at all times? Have you a neck not unlike a jockey’s b**locks? Could you recognise Clare Daly if… Read more »

April 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

April 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

WORST OFFENDER: FF leader Michéal Martin has had to tear up his entire press strategy now that the word ‘unnacceptable’ has been nixed By our political staff, Pól Corr POLITICIANS across all parties were coming under growing pressure last night to accept that unacceptable was no longer an acceptable way to describe their feelings towards… Read more »

April 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

A WHEEL SHAME: Perdisatt says he pines for a time when he could have 15 pints, drive home and still forget where he parked his car the previous night A MAN who gave up drink-driving five years ago says he feels like a complete fool in the wake of the latest garda controversy. After hearing… Read more »

April 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

MONDAY TO SUNDAY (including Public Holidays) 0645 to privitisation – delayed 0700 to insolvency – on time 0715 to Labour Court – running behind schedule 0800 to Bus Éireann management office – cancelled 0900 from Shane Ross’s office to Bus Éireann HQ – delayed indefinitely 1000 protest strikes to front pages – running as normal… Read more »

April 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

WHAT can I say? I am very family orientated but the word mum simply doesn’t do my mother justice. It is far too limited to describe our relationship. For she is so much more than a mum to me; it’s like she is my personal secretary. That is how close we are! We have such… Read more »

April 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

Fine Gael – Full Clown Costume, including Red Noses Fianna Fáil – Cowboy Hat and Boots Sinn Féin – Balaclavas Labour – Full Chicken Suits Independents for Change – Marvels Avengers Masks Solidarity – Prisoners’ Fatigues Green Party – Kermit the Frog Outfits

April 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

by our Business Staff, Phil Pockets Robert Pitt Charismatic, courageous, seen as a safe pair of hands, INM’s chief executive (affectionately nicknamed “The Pits” by close colleagues) has built a solid reputation by protecting his own interests at all costs. His spat with Leslie Buckley has transformed the way the company is run beyond the… Read more »

April 5, 2017 Craic & Codology

BULLSHIT GRATIA BULLSHITUS Is now taking applications for enrolment into our new super hip-tech south Dublin school at the back of some industrial estate. Are you an ex-pat based in Ireland for whom school fees are paid by some multinational? Do you fancy spending more than you need to on school fees? Then send your… Read more »

March 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

RED SCARE: The WHO has issued a picture of this man, an early sufferer of the disease, as a warning of the disturbing physical symptoms patients can expect to present with THE WORLD HEALTH Organisation has confirmed an outbreak of Red C fever is expected to engulf the island of Ireland shortly. The horrifically tedious… Read more »

March 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

HORROR: Our artist’s impression of Dublin after SF takes power based on the current view of Talbot Street from Independent House THE latest nightmare vision of Sinn Féin holding the reins of power will send shockwaves through the country’s political system – unless readers haven’t already seen it on our front page every day this… Read more »

March 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

ULTIMATUM: County councillors, leaving the US, heard they could exit the country or give up their expenses A FRESH controversy has exploded over undocumented Irish people in the US, after a White House spokesman said there would be no special deal for county councillors visiting for St Patrick’s Day junkets. “Obviously we understand these people… Read more »

March 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Brendan O’Codder FAILURE by Fine Gael to elect Simon Coveney as its next leader will almost certainly bring cataclysmic repercussions for the party, for Ireland Inc and, indeed, for the planet. As this publication has repeatedly asserted (see also pages 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 18, 31 and sports supplement page 3-6 plus Cheltenham… Read more »

March 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

Mission Statement We value our employees almost as much as we value our tax-free profits Corporate Responsibility As a leading multinational tech employer, Facebook invests heavily in competitive flexible practices with trending algorithms, attractive salary incentivisation and the latest jargon. Work/Life Balance Facebook believes the modern workforce optimises for happiness in an open culture. Offering… Read more »

March 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

March 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

Priority List Legislation to give diaspora a vote in presidential elections Implementation of transgender toilets in urban centres All-Ireland poll on existence of the Labour Party Plebiscite on whether “referendums” or “referenda” is the correct plural Anything else that might possibly make the government more popular Deferred indefinitely Repeal of the Eighth Amendment Any similar… Read more »

March 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

An occasional service to Phoenix readers explaining the meaning of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy. This week – ‘TUAM’ The name TUAM is a cognate with the Latin term Tumulus (burial mound). The town’s ancient name was Tuaim Dá Ghualann, ie the burial mound of two shoulders (the Church and the State? – Ed)… Read more »

March 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

THE Late Late Show DNA tests have unearthed fascinating results. The long-running programme invited well-known Irish faces to submit DNA samples to determine their genetic ancestry as part of the St Patrick’s Day show. Broadcaster Eamon Dunphy was told his genetic make-up included strong evidence of a Vandal past and overwhelming Gaul. Kerry TD Michael Healy-Rae… Read more »

March 23, 2017 Craic & Codology

Brendan O’Connor’s Cutting Edge: In the new series of his hit chat show, Brendan interviews Niamh Horan, Ivan Yates and George Hook and many other Indo and Newstalk hacks about their lives, careers and shared love of Denis O’Brien. Cutting edge stuff. World Cup Qualifier: Ireland vs Wales: Which world class player will Eamon Dunphy… Read more »

March 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

SYMBOLIC MOVE: Although they are already largely protected under the law, supporters say the move to recognise TDs will ensure dignity for the often-misrepresented political community. By Our Political Staff, Martin Wail REPRESENTATIVES of the Travelling community have taken the historic step of recognising Ireland’s politicians. In a statement issued in Leinster House last night,… Read more »

March 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

Partially to blame for overcrowding in pubs on Saturday nights He’s not Gay In fact, he’s miserable Bus driver refuses to switch him off Caused my grandad to fall asleep at the wheel Has been talking shite for about 200 years! Don’t forget the wage packet

March 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

LAMBASTED: A Blueshirt knife-sharpener seen here with a practice kill HEALTH minister Simon Harris has urged the public to protect themselves against tetanus by availing of a free vaccination. The Wicklow TD made the appeal as dozens of Fine Gael politicians contracted lockjaw as a result of sharpening knifes for a piece of old mutton… Read more »

March 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

Toady-in-the-Hole Baloney with Crispy Fried Poodles Brown-nose Bread and Butter-up Tripe and Corny Dogs (backbone removed) on a bed of Lettuce-In * * * Suckling-Up-To-Trump Pig Chicken-Out and Duck-Issues Enda-for-the-Chop Soon Suey * * * Syrup and Waffle To drink: Chateau Sycofantion and a Selection of Arseliqueurs

March 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

UNDER PRESSURE: Adams, pictured here after Sinn Féin’s historic win, was clearly a man under stress PRESSURE is growing on Gerry Adams to resign following his party’s humiliating victory in the Northern Assembly election. Sinn Féin recorded a big increase in its share of the vote throughout the North and is now neck-and-neck with the… Read more »

March 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

RTÉ has reacted to permission to televise the Charleton Tribunal with a major restructuring of its schedule aimed at reflecting the historic relevance of the occasion. The new programmes guide will include the following: Operation Transformation: Watch as a new line-up of senior gardaí sweat it out while trying to stay exactly as they are… Read more »

March 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

Drag the lot of them in Drag the other crowd in too Have a right go at someone and smile Peer over spectacles while staring very intently at someone Scribble stuff down Open a window, for God’s sake! Lunch I’ll have the grouse with a Chardonnay Repeat as above Sign the Invoice (NB) Taxi to… Read more »

March 9, 2017 Craic & Codology

Exhibit No13: La Bour Parti Widely considered the most gruesome of all the exhibits, this body was actually buried only last February after being declared a dead loss by everyone. Alarmingly, however, it began digging its way out of the hole it had created for itself and is once again making an exhibition of itself…. Read more »