May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

WING AND A PRAYER: Barnier prayed for the soul of Theresa May, a key bargaining chip in her successful Tory leadership bid CHIEF BREXIT negotiator Michel Barnier was forced to do a decade of the rosary before addressing the Dáil, it has been revealed. The EU man spoke to TDs on Ireland’s special position regarding Britain’s… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

Redwater – 9pm, RTÉ One: Brit soap opera couple Charles and Camilla travel to a sleepy Irish village to find out how the Éire are doing. Rings are kissed and arses licked in this thoroughly embarrassing outing from the grovelling natives. The Meaning of Life with Gay Byrne – 10pm, RTÉ 2: Controversial religious programme…. Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Indo Group Political Editor Craven Doyle SINN Féin leader-in-waiting Mary Lou McDonald is no doubt keen to avoid jumping the gun by talking openly about her succession to the scruffy-bearded former IRA cannibal and traffic lights crasher “Grizzly” Gerry Adams (Good start – Ed). But her succession is all part of a well-planned long-term… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

HAVEN SENT: Top boffins say the disappearance of the warm front might force locals to take shelter in ramshackle operations like this one METEOROLOGISTS say a massive heavy weather front that has lingered across Haiti for over seven years is at last showing signs of evaporating. Storm Haven followed in the wake of Tycoon Denis… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

TODAY your Soaraway Sun gladly doffs its chapeau to French prez-in-waiting Emmanuel “Manny” Macron for showing tout le monde that grans are grey-t! She may have more lines than a Shakespearean play but Madame Macron (98) is still quite an “Eiffel!” to the young politician whose French resistance quickly folded as soon as she marched… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

Goldhawk takes a look back at some of the most memorable acts from this year’s Eurovision Song Contest. United Kingdom  – Theresa and the Tories  While this act is wildly popular in Britain, Theresa and her entourage have struggled to attract fans in Europe. Her strident tone coupled with hysterical backing singers have resulted in… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

– Debty Harry – Dire Straits – EL Owe – Aiken Stevens – Banananama – Simply-in-the-Red – Stone Broke Roses – The Crash – Johnny Cashflow – Muddy Waters

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

by our Good News Staff  – Hayley Feelgood FOLLOWING the amazing revelation that last week’s upbeat edition sold a lot of copies, the incredible surge in optimism now seems set to continue until at least 2025. In our latest specially commissioned poll carried out in a leading newspaper office yesterday, 98% of respondents say the… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

Mission Statement – ‘See No Evil’ History Headquartered in Dublin’s Phoenix Park, we are represented in every county in Ireland, working up to 24-hours per day on essential surveillance, breathalyser testing and combating gorse fires. The current Garda Commissioner is Nóirín O’Sullivan (though that could change any day now). Strategic Operations Core functions include prevention of… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

Favourite singer? Kate Bush Favourite band? Bush Favourite politician? George Bush Other career you might have chosen? Hedge fund manager Any vices? Benson & Hedges

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

RODDY COLLINS The combative League of Ireland veteran specialises in saving sinking ships so this may be right up his street. Showdowns with Vincent Browne would be compelling. Odds: 10/1 PEP GUARDIOLA Has spent past 12 months overseeing a bunch of overpaid, under-achieving primadonnas. A good fit. Odds: 5/1 ARSENE WENGER Considered a bit of… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

By our rugby correspondent Tony ‘Emergency’ Ward IT’s THE move they are all talking about. That awful pass by right-winger Varadkar to youth team call-up Harris in that top-of-the-operating-table clash played at Bedsyde Manor last week. The hospital pass, as it is known, put Harris in the unenviable position of being instantly double tackled and… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

ONE IS not a betting man, but were one to be so, then one could do a lot worse than place a few florins on Kilkenny for this year’s hockey hurling championship! One was struck by the confidence of King Brian when visiting the Cats’ camp! By Jove they will take some beating this year!… Read more »

May 17, 2017 Craic & Codology

Martyn Turner recalls his brave stand against Ireland’s blasphemy laws IT WAS 1995. The phone rang. It happens. It was The Irish Times. “You are being sued for blasphemy.” “So what?” I responded, “That’s the price you pay for creating hard-hitting editorial cartoons that challenge the very foundations of Catholic oppression.” As always, the editor… Read more »

May 3, 2017 Craic & Codology

OVER THE past few weeks we may have given the impression that an all Irish Champions Cup final was a foregone conclusion. Headlines such as ‘Up yours Froggies’ and ‘Who the f*%k are Saracens anyway?’ may have hinted that all Munster and Leinster needed to do was turn up at the respective stadiums to book… Read more »

May 3, 2017 Craic & Codology

Mission Statement We pride ourselves on being the ‘Paper of Record Losses’ Corporate History Since 1859, The Irish Times has been an integral and important part of Irish life. Its distinctive journalism has been influential and interactive, involving our audiences and driving a public-interest news agenda. That’s why we prioritise empowerment, vision, diversity, pluralism, inclusivity… Read more »

May 3, 2017 Craic & Codology

Serve: What woman does with breakfast the morning afterwards. Racket: Thing women make when they all complain about me at once. Love: Looking in the mirror Approach shot: Chat-up line (eg ‘How about it, bitch?’) Game: When she’s up for it Fault: Not mine that I’m so attractive Bounce: Function of a mattress Offensive Lob:… Read more »

May 3, 2017 Craic & Codology

Here they are – the two leading contenders en route to the Élysée Palace Emmanuel Macaroon The 39-year-old conservative presidential front-runner is widely regarded as a safe pair of hands. Youthful, inexperienced, charismatic, he has a proven reputation as a former banker. Macaroon defeated Eugenie Croissant, the Minister for Fraud and Mismanagement, to become the… Read more »

May 3, 2017 Craic & Codology

Outrageous. The more I absorb the enormity of its enormousness, the more I toss and turn ‘neath the darkened dreams of my dreamy slumber. Pyongyang! Pyongyang! Pyongyang! snaps the symphony of my bed springs in collusion with this atrocity. As my good friend Joyce once memorably confided to me in a dream: “Every dog has… Read more »

May 3, 2017 Craic & Codology

Andy Cash Phil Pockets Moore O’Demoolah Lotta Dosh Jack Pott M.T. Urcoffers Hans Outt Lewis Change Rich A. Sole Drew Downdelot Robin Blind

May 3, 2017 Craic & Codology

UFC champ Conor McGregor has called on GAA bosses to overturn Davy Fitzgerald’s eight-week sideline ban and has come up with an ingenious idea to keep the Wexford boss off the pitch. “We’ll put an octagon on the sideline,” shouted McGregor. “Davy would be locked in for the duration of the game but would be… Read more »

May 3, 2017 Craic & Codology

THE PUBLIC is being urged to report cheats who are abusing the generosity of the system. The Department of Social Protection urged people to take action following information they received about an underemployed man with a funny accent known to be a complete fraud. The man, known as Leo Varadkar, is believed to be travelling… Read more »

May 3, 2017 Craic & Codology

Breakfast Cheerios Smell the Coffee Takes the Biscuit Has Beans on Toast Sandwiches Hamfisted Cheesed off Dinner/Meat Porky pies Turkeys Lambs to the Slaughter (In humble pie) Fishy Cod Mullet Over Carp Flounder Just Desserts Custard Pie I Scream Fudge Labour Party Rebrand

May 3, 2017 Craic & Codology

An occasional service to Phoenix readers explaining the meaning of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy. This Week: ‘Charity’ The voluntary giving of help, typically in the form of money, to those in need. An organisation set up to provide help and raise money for those in need. Not to be confused with Sisters… Read more »

May 3, 2017 Craic & Codology

Jamestown, Sky 1, Friday – Period drama. Disinterested Tory geek Brokenshire is sent to balance the interests of two warring factions – one that he despises; another he doesn’t care about – in a far-flung corner of the Empire. How long can he go on pretending to know what he’s doing? Tediously predictable. THAT ST… Read more »

May 3, 2017 Craic & Codology

Excuses to date Possible next excuses Forming a government The next Star Wars film Sort out latest garda scandal Irish language in crisis Stoppin government from falling apart Next garda scandal Mayo in All-Ireland final Mayo in an All-Ireland final (Come off it!_Ed) Christmas Autumn floods Staring match against Alan Shatter The Puck Fair Shamrock… Read more »

May 3, 2017 Craic & Codology

Rory Best – Honoured and delighted to represent the Lions #allforone Robbie Henshaw – Delighted and honoured #allforConnacht Jared Payne – I’ll play with anyone #allforthecash CJ Stander – Wait till you see me singing the Lions anthem, bro #realpride Conor Murray – It’s just a stinger, I’ll be grand in a minute #mefuckingneck Johnny… Read more »

April 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

Not Bothered: 10-1 shot, fancied in last two outings but faded over last furlong Couldn’t Be Arsed: 2-1 favourite on last run before pulling up with line in sight Lazy Bones: 15-1, in with a shout but not a stayer Not A Fan Of The Stick: 50-1, gallant trier but reacts badly to encouragement Turf… Read more »

April 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

In recognition of yet another exciting Irish Grand National, the Phoenix looks back at the big winners and losers. Gerald’s Fancy This world-famous stable has always had a reputation for pulling fine fillies out of thin air. This was the case when trainer Kean romped his way throughout Fairyhouse with the much loved Gerald’s Fancy…. Read more »

April 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

RTÉ2; 9pm – Body Shopping: Cosmetic surgery programme. Watch brave south Dubliners take the plunge and piss their savings away on expensive procedures. Gory. BBC1; 10pm – Songs of Praise: Live from the celebrations at Green Party HQ after Trevor Sargent’s decision to pack in the politics for good to become a priest. Joyous.

April 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

Mission Statement Ethics? Don’t make us laugh Corporate History Independent News & Media is the market-leading media company in Ireland, creating print and digital content designed to engage with our audience. All that changed in 2012 when Denis O’Brien became its largest shareholder, a position he retains today. Social Responsibility The group is fully committed to… Read more »

April 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

THE AVERAGE rugby fan tells at least 15 people per week that he’s “not into the soccer”, according to a new study. The study also shows that the “not into the soccer” line is mostly used when a player is down pretending to be injured. The message from the rugger buggers is passed on mostly… Read more »

April 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

by Fred Fossil ENVIROMENTALISTS have warned that the latest studies show “time is fast running out” to curb the “dangerous emissions” from Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary if the planet is to be saved. “In the last five minutes the levels of hot air and putrid rubbish have soared, literally, to unprecedented heights,” says analyst Herbie… Read more »

April 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

Lord Mint of Polo ONLY a few short weeks after the new £1 coin was issued in the UK, a new £1 coin is to be issued. Minister for Coinage Lord Mint of Polo explained why. “The new £1 coin will be smaller than the old, er, new £1 coin and because of this the… Read more »

April 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

An occasional service to Phoenix readers explaining the meaning of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy. This week: ‘RAE’ The Urban Dictionary defines RAE as follows:- Very attractive, sexy, considerate and adorable. Hopeless (They got that bit right! – Ed) romantic, Rae will always tell you the truth about anything whether you like it or… Read more »

April 19, 2017 Craic & Codology

Fantasy Rugby – Gerry Thornley’s pre-match predictions Bolters – Eager hacks filing 10 new Lions articles daily “Ultimate honour” – Contractually obligatory soundbite from all players Japes – What the English lads were up to when arrested by New Zealand police “Four Nations coming together” – Four fringe players caught in prostitution sting